1
00:00:43,287 --> 00:00:45,278
(CAR DOOR OPENS)

2
00:00:48,487 --> 00:00:51,081
- What is it today, sir?
- The Ministry.

3
00:00:51,247 --> 00:00:54,683
All morning on Health Service administration.

4
00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:57,202
A chap just now on the radio

5
00:00:57,367 --> 00:01:01,485
said the trouble with health,
education and transport

6
00:01:01,647 --> 00:01:04,844
is that people in Government
go to private hospitals

7
00:01:05,007 --> 00:01:08,124
and send their kids to private schools!

8
00:01:08,287 --> 00:01:10,847
Comedy programme, was it?

9
00:01:11,007 --> 00:01:13,999
And go to work in chauffeur-driven cars!

10
00:01:15,687 --> 00:01:18,360
Think there's something in it, sir?

11
00:01:18,527 --> 00:01:21,758
If you and Sir Humphrey
went to work on a number 27...

12
00:01:21,927 --> 00:01:23,246
Quite impracticable!

13
00:01:23,407 --> 00:01:27,923
We work long enough hours as it is,
without having to wait at bus stops.

14
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:31,762
- You'd need more efficient buses.
- Certainly would.

15
00:01:31,927 --> 00:01:34,964
Yes, that's what he was saying.

16
00:01:35,927 --> 00:01:39,966
Same with the Health Service.
You a member of BUPA, sir?

17
00:01:40,127 --> 00:01:43,563
- Anything on the radio, Roy?
- "Yesterday in Parliament".

18
00:01:43,727 --> 00:01:45,285
Don't bother...

19
00:01:45,447 --> 00:01:48,837
<i>(RADl0) Mr Lanford,</i>
<i>opposition member for Birmingham,</i>

20
00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:52,124
<i>asked the Administrative</i>
<i>Affairs Minister, James Hacker,</i>

21
00:01:52,287 --> 00:01:55,802
<i>about reducing administrators</i>
<i>in the Health Service.</i>

22
00:01:56,447 --> 00:02:00,963
<i>(HACKER) We have already</i>
<i>achieved a reduction of 11.3%</i>

23
00:02:01,127 --> 00:02:03,357
<i>in administrative staff</i>

24
00:02:03,527 --> 00:02:06,803
<i>and are actively pursuing</i>
<i>further economies.</i>

25
00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:10,846
<i>(LANF0RD) Would you explain</i>
<i>how his assurance to the House</i>

26
00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:15,922
<i>squares with this minute</i>
<i>from his own department?</i>

27
00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:19,716
<i>(REP0RTER) Then Mr Lanford</i>
<i>dramatically produced a paper.</i>

28
00:02:19,887 --> 00:02:23,766
<i>(LANF0RD) I quote,</i>
<i>"If admin staff were reclassified</i>

29
00:02:23,927 --> 00:02:25,918
<i>"from administrative to technical..."</i>

30
00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:27,440
<i>(MPs CHEERING)</i>

31
00:02:27,607 --> 00:02:32,237
<i>"...and the comparison changed</i>
<i>from the financial to calendar year,</i>

32
00:02:32,407 --> 00:02:37,686
<i>"then the figures will show</i>
<i>a fall of 11.3%. "</i>

33
00:02:37,847 --> 00:02:41,442
<i>Would the Minister care to comment</i>
<i>on this shabby deception?</i>

34
00:02:42,647 --> 00:02:45,286
Bit of a googly, sir.

35
00:02:46,247 --> 00:02:49,603
<i>(HACKER) I... er... I... erm...</i>

36
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:54,079
<i>I have no knowledge of the document</i>
<i>you're brandishing.</i>

37
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:58,803
<i>(LANF0RD) I shall give</i>
<i>the file reference to the Minister</i>

38
00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:04,325
<i>in exchange for an assurance</i>
<i>of a full independent enquiry.</i>

39
00:03:04,487 --> 00:03:05,920
<i>(JEERING)</i>

40
00:03:06,847 --> 00:03:08,963
<i>(HACKER) I will give that assurance.</i>

41
00:03:09,127 --> 00:03:13,086
<i>(REP0RTER) The House</i>
<i>read the Scottish Fisheries' Bill...</i>

42
00:03:13,247 --> 00:03:16,683
That's a bit rough, innit?
"A full independent enquiry"!

43
00:03:17,967 --> 00:03:22,085
- You were dropped in it there.
- I think I got away with it.

44
00:03:22,247 --> 00:03:26,479
Lucky they didn't ask you
about that new hospital, sir.

45
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:31,562
They finished it 15 months ago,
and it's still got no patients.

46
00:03:31,727 --> 00:03:34,366
The DHSS can't afford to staff it.

47
00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:38,440
It's got staff, 500 administrators.

48
00:03:38,607 --> 00:03:40,802
- Just no patients.
- Who told you?

49
00:03:40,967 --> 00:03:44,357
My mate Charlie, a driver for the Health Secretary.

50
00:03:48,207 --> 00:03:50,118
- I'm appalled!
- So am I.

51
00:03:50,287 --> 00:03:52,164
The incompetence of it!

52
00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:54,841
I can't think what came over you.

53
00:03:55,007 --> 00:03:56,520
I beg your pardon!

54
00:03:56,687 --> 00:04:01,363
- A full independent enquiry.
- Humphrey, that's not what I meant.

55
00:04:01,527 --> 00:04:04,644
- But you mentioned incompetence.
- Yours, Humphrey, yours!

56
00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:08,045
- Mine?!
- You dropped me into it?

57
00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:13,042
We can't foresee a small omission
from the brief, but a full enquiry?!

58
00:04:13,207 --> 00:04:17,166
I don't want an enquiry, but if
you're drowning and thrown a rope...

59
00:04:17,327 --> 00:04:20,080
That wasn't a rope, it was a noose!

60
00:04:20,247 --> 00:04:22,442
You should've stood up for the department!

61
00:04:22,607 --> 00:04:25,599
I prepared thoroughly
for yesterday's Question Time,

62
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:31,717
but nowhere was the suggestion you'd juggled
the figures so I'd mislead the House!

63
00:04:31,887 --> 00:04:36,802
You wanted the figures reduced?
So we reduced the figures!

64
00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:41,438
- Yes, but not the administrators.
- Of course not.

65
00:04:41,607 --> 00:04:46,476
- That's not what I meant.
- Minister, one isn't a mind-reader!

66
00:04:46,647 --> 00:04:50,003
- You said reduce them, so we did.
- And another thing:

67
00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:52,635
How did this get out? Another leak?

68
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,804
This isn't a department, it's a colander!

69
00:04:56,967 --> 00:05:01,324
How can we govern responsibly,
if backbenchers get all the facts?

70
00:05:01,487 --> 00:05:06,322
- The enquiry gives us some time.
- So does a time-bomb!

71
00:05:06,487 --> 00:05:09,126
- Is there a disposal squad?
- Disposal squad?

72
00:05:09,287 --> 00:05:13,121
Couldn't we get the independent
enquiry to exonerate us?

73
00:05:14,487 --> 00:05:18,480
- Do you mean rig it?
- No, no, no, no!

74
00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:20,239
Well... yes.

75
00:05:20,927 --> 00:05:22,246
Minister!

76
00:05:23,127 --> 00:05:25,561
It depends on who the chairman is.

77
00:05:25,727 --> 00:05:29,037
- He absolutely has to be sound.
- Sound?

78
00:05:29,207 --> 00:05:34,600
He will know what is required.
He will perceive the implications.

79
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:38,476
He will have a sympathetic insight
into the problems.

80
00:05:38,647 --> 00:05:41,525
In short, he will be "sound".

81
00:05:41,687 --> 00:05:43,439
You mean... bent?

82
00:05:43,607 --> 00:05:45,598
No, of course not!

83
00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:48,918
He will be a man of broad understanding...

84
00:05:49,087 --> 00:05:51,760
How about... a retired politician?

85
00:05:51,927 --> 00:05:54,600
...and unimpeachable integrity.

86
00:05:54,767 --> 00:05:56,962
Yes, I see what you mean.

87
00:05:57,127 --> 00:05:59,243
- A businessman?
- Oh, really!

88
00:05:59,407 --> 00:06:02,365
- An academic?
- No, no, no.

89
00:06:02,527 --> 00:06:07,601
- Who've you got in mind?
- Perhaps a retired civil servant.

90
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:11,646
- Good thinking, Humphrey.
- Sir Maurice Williams.

91
00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:13,957
Might not he be too independent?

92
00:06:14,127 --> 00:06:18,040
- Well, he's hoping for a peerage.
- Not through this?

93
00:06:18,207 --> 00:06:22,041
No, but the right finding
will earn him Brownie points!

94
00:06:22,207 --> 00:06:25,961
- Brownie points?!
- They all add up towards the badge!

95
00:06:27,447 --> 00:06:30,484
- Well, Sir Maurice it is.
- Thank you, Minister.

96
00:06:30,647 --> 00:06:33,161
Thank you... Brown Owl.

97
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:34,646
Oh!

98
00:06:37,007 --> 00:06:39,157
Good morning, Bernard.

99
00:06:39,927 --> 00:06:43,397
- Two points... the Cuban refugees.
- Not that again?

100
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:46,923
It's about our refusal
to do any more for them.

101
00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:50,875
It's not my fault, it's the Treasury.
You can't beat the Treasury!

102
00:06:51,047 --> 00:06:52,844
I shall say nothing.

103
00:06:53,007 --> 00:06:58,525
One more public humiliation and I'll
become a political refugee myself!

104
00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:03,078
- And the other point?
- The alleged empty hospital.

105
00:07:03,247 --> 00:07:07,206
As I warned you, the driver's network
is not wholly reliable.

106
00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:10,279
- Roy's wrong.
- Thank heavens for that!

107
00:07:10,447 --> 00:07:14,235
- How did you find out?
- The private secretaries' network.

108
00:07:14,407 --> 00:07:15,726
And?

109
00:07:15,887 --> 00:07:20,597
In fact, there are only 342
administrative staff at the hospital.

110
00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:25,158
The other 170 are porters, cleaners,
laundry workers, cooks, etc.

111
00:07:25,327 --> 00:07:26,885
And medical staff?

112
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,117
Oh, none of them.

113
00:07:29,887 --> 00:07:32,321
- None?
- No!

114
00:07:32,487 --> 00:07:35,285
We are talking
about St Edward's Hospital?

115
00:07:35,447 --> 00:07:38,200
Yes. It's brand-new and fully-staffed.

116
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:41,086
Unfortunately, there were cutbacks,

117
00:07:41,247 --> 00:07:44,205
so there was no money for medical services.

118
00:07:44,367 --> 00:07:48,076
A hospital with over 500 non-medical
staff and no patients?

119
00:07:48,247 --> 00:07:50,283
- There's one patient.
- One?

120
00:07:50,447 --> 00:07:54,645
The deputy administrator fell over
scaffolding and broke his leg.

121
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,365
Good God!

122
00:07:56,527 --> 00:08:00,645
Thank heavens I wasn't asked about this!
Why hasn't it got out?

123
00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:04,004
It's been contrived to look like a building site,

124
00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:07,318
and so far no one's realised it's operational!

125
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,763
You know, scaffolding, skips, the normal thing?

126
00:08:11,287 --> 00:08:14,916
Normal?! I'd better look at it
before the opposition does.

127
00:08:15,087 --> 00:08:18,363
Yes, it's surprising the press haven't found out.

128
00:08:18,527 --> 00:08:21,360
Fortunately, most journalists are so incompetent,

129
00:08:21,527 --> 00:08:24,121
they wouldn't know today is Wednesday.

130
00:08:24,287 --> 00:08:27,245
It's actually Thursday, Minister.

131
00:08:31,647 --> 00:08:33,922
Let's sit down there.

132
00:08:34,087 --> 00:08:36,920
Why is your Minister interested in this hospital?

133
00:08:37,087 --> 00:08:40,716
He's greatly concerned that it has no patients.

134
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:43,640
- It takes all sorts.
- Yes.

135
00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:45,923
- Evening.
- Good evening.

136
00:08:47,007 --> 00:08:51,876
How can there be patients
when it has no nursing staff?

137
00:08:54,127 --> 00:08:56,516
- Thank you.
- Splendid.

138
00:08:56,687 --> 00:08:58,962
- Sir Humphrey?
- Thank you.

139
00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:05,445
We've found at the DHSS
that it takes time to get things going.

140
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:11,323
First of all, you have to sort out
the smooth running of the hospital.

141
00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:15,275
Having patients around would be no help at all.

142
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:18,281
They'd just be in the way.

143
00:09:18,447 --> 00:09:23,885
- Tell him this is the run-in period.
- Yes, yes, the run-in period.

144
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:27,804
How long is the run-in period going to last?

145
00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:30,845
My Minister's agreed to an independent enquiry.

146
00:09:31,007 --> 00:09:35,205
- You know what I think about that.
- Yes, I know, but...

147
00:09:35,887 --> 00:09:40,961
...we are going to get some
patients into St Edward's...

148
00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:43,439
...eventually?

149
00:09:44,287 --> 00:09:46,039
Aren't we?

150
00:09:46,207 --> 00:09:48,198
It's possible.

151
00:09:49,967 --> 00:09:52,765
Certainly our present intention.

152
00:09:53,847 --> 00:09:55,838
In a year or two.

153
00:09:56,767 --> 00:10:00,919
Probably... when the financial
situation has eased up a bit.

154
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:02,520
Not till then?

155
00:10:02,687 --> 00:10:06,965
How can I open 40 new wards
when I'm closing everywhere else?

156
00:10:07,127 --> 00:10:12,121
- Treasury wouldn't wear it.
- My Minister may want to shut the place.

157
00:10:12,287 --> 00:10:14,482
Impossible! What about the unions?

158
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:19,445
- Are the unions active there yet?
- Good point.

159
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:25,999
Remember that firebrand agitator
at Southwark Hospital?

160
00:10:27,607 --> 00:10:30,565
Billy Fraser, odious man. Could be useful.

161
00:10:30,727 --> 00:10:33,366
Time he was moved on.

162
00:10:37,007 --> 00:10:41,398
The Health Service is an advanced
case of galloping bureaucracy!

163
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:44,479
Oh, certainly not galloping!

164
00:10:46,727 --> 00:10:48,957
A gentle canter at the most.

165
00:10:49,127 --> 00:10:53,245
- Instances flood into this office.
- From whom, Minister?

166
00:10:53,407 --> 00:10:56,683
MPs, constituents,
doctors, nurses, the public.

167
00:10:56,847 --> 00:10:58,678
Trouble makers!

168
00:10:58,847 --> 00:11:01,645
- The public?!
- They're the worst.

169
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:03,640
Listen to this.

170
00:11:03,807 --> 00:11:06,879
"Stethoscope requisition: Due to current situation,

171
00:11:07,047 --> 00:11:11,120
"it is not possible to issue
the extra stethoscopes applied for.

172
00:11:11,287 --> 00:11:17,476
"We can, however, supply
longer tubes for your existing stethoscopes."

173
00:11:18,407 --> 00:11:21,956
- Well?
- Doesn't that strike you as odd?

174
00:11:22,127 --> 00:11:25,085
- If they have long tubes...
- No, no.

175
00:11:25,247 --> 00:11:28,717
No, not longer stethoscopes,
MORE stethoscopes.

176
00:11:28,887 --> 00:11:31,560
If they had really long tubes,

177
00:11:31,727 --> 00:11:36,642
the doctor could stand in one place
and listen to all the chests.

178
00:11:40,407 --> 00:11:42,523
What about nurses' uniforms?

179
00:11:42,687 --> 00:11:45,838
"Apparently the latest
consignment of nurses' coats

180
00:11:46,207 --> 00:11:50,359
"is made of a see-through material;
nurses issued with these

181
00:11:50,527 --> 00:11:55,078
"are requested to report
to the Director of Uniform Surveillance

182
00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:59,798
"who will assess the extent of the problem."

183
00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:04,358
- Nice work if you can get it.
- Humphrey, I'm serious!

184
00:12:05,407 --> 00:12:10,640
"Please note that the soft toilet
rolls are for patients not staff.

185
00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:15,597
"It would appear that staff have
been using the soft toilet rolls

186
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:18,440
"for one reason or another."

187
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:24,239
"St Stephen's Mortuary
will be closed over Christmas.

188
00:12:24,407 --> 00:12:27,604
"During the holiday,
medical staff are to cooperate

189
00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,759
"in keeping pressure off this department."

190
00:12:32,287 --> 00:12:34,596
A very civil and reasonable request.

191
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:40,399
You think the rest of the year
doctors work hard to keep it busy?

192
00:12:40,967 --> 00:12:43,765
These are a few isolated examples.

193
00:12:43,927 --> 00:12:49,206
The Health Service is as efficient
as the Government allows it.

194
00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:52,279
Nonsense! The figures speak for themselves.

195
00:12:52,447 --> 00:12:57,475
In ten years, the number of
administrators has risen by 40,000.

196
00:12:57,647 --> 00:13:01,083
The number of hospital beds
has fallen by 60,000.

197
00:13:01,247 --> 00:13:07,243
The annual cost of the Health
Service has gone up by �1.5 billion!

198
00:13:07,407 --> 00:13:11,400
If only British industry
could match this growth record.

199
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:15,446
You think spending more money on fewer patients

200
00:13:15,607 --> 00:13:18,041
so we can employ more administrators

201
00:13:18,207 --> 00:13:22,041
is a good way of spending the taxpayer's money?

202
00:13:22,207 --> 00:13:23,526
Certainly.

203
00:13:23,687 --> 00:13:27,362
This money is solely to make sick people better.

204
00:13:27,527 --> 00:13:30,405
No, no, no, Minister.

205
00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:33,127
It is to make everybody better.

206
00:13:33,287 --> 00:13:37,644
Better for showing the extent
of their care and compassion.

207
00:13:37,807 --> 00:13:43,086
You see, when money is allocated
to the Health or Social Services,

208
00:13:43,247 --> 00:13:46,637
Parliament and the country feel... cleansed.

209
00:13:47,647 --> 00:13:51,242
Purified. Absolved. It is a sacrifice.

210
00:13:51,407 --> 00:13:53,284
Dreadful claptrap!

211
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:59,525
After the sacrifice, nobody questions
what happened to the offering.

212
00:13:59,687 --> 00:14:05,637
- The public does care if it's misspent.
- They care it's not seen to be misspent.

213
00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:11,006
That's not true. Look at the uproar
over mental hospital scandals.

214
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:13,044
My point exactly.

215
00:14:13,207 --> 00:14:16,722
Those abuses had been going on happily for years.

216
00:14:16,887 --> 00:14:20,880
Nobody was concerned
what was being done with their money.

217
00:14:21,047 --> 00:14:25,438
- What outraged them was being told!
- A cynical smokescreen!

218
00:14:25,607 --> 00:14:30,920
Do we not agree there's no point
in a hospital run solely for the staff?

219
00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:36,081
- That's not how I would express it.
- It's how I would.

220
00:14:36,247 --> 00:14:38,238
Indeed.

221
00:14:39,247 --> 00:14:42,717
- How would you express it?
- At the end of the day,

222
00:14:42,887 --> 00:14:46,004
one of a hospital's prime functions is patient care.

223
00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:47,486
One?

224
00:14:47,647 --> 00:14:51,560
Until we have the money
for nursing and medical staff,

225
00:14:51,727 --> 00:14:55,766
it's a function we can't pursue.
In 18 months or so...

226
00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:59,124
- 18 months?
...we can open some wards.

227
00:14:59,287 --> 00:15:01,642
No, it's got to be now.

228
00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:06,277
I suppose we could form
an inter-departmental committee

229
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,564
to examine the feasibility of monitoring a proposal

230
00:15:09,727 --> 00:15:12,400
for admitting patients earlier.

231
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:15,884
- How long would that take to report?
- Not long.

232
00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:19,483
How long? About 18 months...!

233
00:15:20,207 --> 00:15:23,802
I suggest we get rid of all the staff there

234
00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:28,483
and use the money to open
closed wards in other hospitals.

235
00:15:28,647 --> 00:15:34,040
When we can afford it, we open
St Edward's with medical staff.

236
00:15:34,207 --> 00:15:37,995
Do that and you'll delay
the opening for patients for years.

237
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:41,523
You talk as if the staff have nothing to do!

238
00:15:41,687 --> 00:15:44,042
- What do they do?
- Really, Minister!

239
00:15:44,207 --> 00:15:47,279
There's a large number
of extremely busy departments.

240
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:51,122
Firstly, the Contingency Department
for fires, strikes, air raids,

241
00:15:51,287 --> 00:15:54,597
nuclear war, epidemics, food or water poisoning.

242
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:58,806
In such a crisis, the hospital
is a key centre for survival.

243
00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:01,640
Then, the Data and Research Department,

244
00:16:01,807 --> 00:16:06,278
conducting a full-scale demographic
survey of the catchment area.

245
00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:09,917
We have to anticipate the future
requirements for maternity,

246
00:16:10,087 --> 00:16:14,126
geriatrics, paediatrics
and the male/female balance.

247
00:16:14,287 --> 00:16:17,359
Thirdly, there's Finance - projected accounts,

248
00:16:17,527 --> 00:16:20,280
balance sheets and cash-flow budgets.

249
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:25,567
Then, the Purchasing Department
for purchasing medical equipment,

250
00:16:25,727 --> 00:16:29,959
examining estimates, looking
at price lists and catalogues...

251
00:16:30,127 --> 00:16:32,004
Purchasing what?

252
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:33,725
Everything, Minister.

253
00:16:33,887 --> 00:16:37,846
Everything from brain scanners
to Brasso! May I continue?

254
00:16:38,007 --> 00:16:39,326
Be briefer.

255
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:44,325
Would that I could, Minister,
but you need to understand.

256
00:16:44,487 --> 00:16:47,365
Fifth, the Technical Department
for evaluations.

257
00:16:47,527 --> 00:16:51,884
Sixth, the Building Department
dealing with Phase 3 plans,

258
00:16:52,047 --> 00:16:57,041
costing and so forth for the final
phase to be completed by 1994.

259
00:16:57,207 --> 00:17:00,040
Then, there's Maintenance, Cleaning and Catering,

260
00:17:00,207 --> 00:17:04,246
Personnel in charge of leave,
National Health Insurance, salaries,

261
00:17:04,407 --> 00:17:09,561
as well as staff welfare officers
to look after the 500 employees.

262
00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:12,605
- And finally, Administration.
- Administrators!

263
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:15,156
More administrators administrating
other administrators!

264
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,887
This is important work, Minister.

265
00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:21,722
The typing pool, stationery,
office furniture and equipment.

266
00:17:21,887 --> 00:17:26,802
- Liaison between departments.
- Are you being serious or not?

267
00:17:26,967 --> 00:17:31,245
- What do you mean?
- There are NO patients!

268
00:17:31,407 --> 00:17:34,479
That is what a hospital's for. Patients!

269
00:17:34,647 --> 00:17:37,559
Ill people! Healing the sick!

270
00:17:37,727 --> 00:17:43,404
But all these vital tasks must
be done with or without patients.

271
00:17:44,087 --> 00:17:45,998
Why?

272
00:17:46,927 --> 00:17:49,805
- Why?
- Why?

273
00:17:51,007 --> 00:17:53,202
I don't understand.

274
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:56,086
How else can I express it? Why?

275
00:17:56,247 --> 00:17:58,920
Would you sack the army because there's no war?

276
00:17:59,087 --> 00:18:02,921
Completely different!
A hospital must produce results.

277
00:18:03,087 --> 00:18:08,719
We don't measure our success
by results but by activity.

278
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:13,244
Those 500 people are seriously overworked!

279
00:18:15,847 --> 00:18:19,283
The full establishment should be 650.

280
00:18:19,447 --> 00:18:21,881
May I show you the paperwork?

281
00:18:22,047 --> 00:18:25,278
No, Humphrey. Enough is enough. Sack them!

282
00:18:25,887 --> 00:18:28,799
Out of the question, Minister.

283
00:18:28,967 --> 00:18:32,482
We need administrators
or the hospital will never open.

284
00:18:32,647 --> 00:18:36,117
- Sack the ancillary staff.
- The unions won't wear it.

285
00:18:36,287 --> 00:18:41,156
Sack half and use the money
to get doctors and nurses,

286
00:18:41,327 --> 00:18:43,682
and open some wards!

287
00:18:43,847 --> 00:18:47,681
No, Humphrey, that's my last word. My last word!

288
00:18:47,847 --> 00:18:49,917
You may go!

289
00:18:51,407 --> 00:18:55,559
Very well, Minister.
I shall have a word with the unions.

290
00:18:56,567 --> 00:19:00,082
- But I don't hold out much hope.
- Go!

291
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:05,763
That seems to be everything.
Thank you for coming.

292
00:19:12,247 --> 00:19:14,966
Thank you very much.

293
00:19:16,047 --> 00:19:18,083
Very good meeting.

294
00:19:18,247 --> 00:19:21,478
- Got time for a drink?
- A quick one.

295
00:19:21,647 --> 00:19:24,207
The usual? Make yourself at home.

296
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:25,766
Thank you.

297
00:19:31,527 --> 00:19:35,236
What are we going to do about St Edward's?

298
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:37,477
St Edward's Hospital?

299
00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:41,322
Not much of a case. Can't fight you on it.

300
00:19:42,127 --> 00:19:44,197
What do you mean?

301
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:49,600
We realise you can't keep ancillary
staff on in an empty hospital.

302
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:52,965
Isn't that a bit defeatist?

303
00:19:53,887 --> 00:19:55,923
What?

304
00:19:56,087 --> 00:19:59,682
- Surely, you can stick up for them?
- You want us to...?

305
00:19:59,847 --> 00:20:02,964
It's not just your workers, you know?

306
00:20:03,127 --> 00:20:08,565
The 342 civil servants must have
some workers to administer.

307
00:20:08,727 --> 00:20:13,562
- Civil servants are never laid off.
- We live in disturbing times.

308
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:19,202
You mean, if we take industrial
action, you'll support us?

309
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:22,677
My dear Brian, I am the Permanent Secretary.

310
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:25,805
My task is to turn the wheels of government.

311
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:29,357
I couldn't possibly countenance any such action.

312
00:20:30,487 --> 00:20:36,357
But... if there were effective opposition
from the ancillary workers,

313
00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:39,246
the civil servants would have to stay.

314
00:20:39,407 --> 00:20:40,965
And the Minister?

315
00:20:41,127 --> 00:20:45,518
The Minister doesn't know
his ACAS from his NALGO.

316
00:20:50,607 --> 00:20:53,280
I haven't got much of a case.

317
00:20:53,447 --> 00:20:57,599
Hospital empty for 15 months,
wards not open for another year.

318
00:20:57,767 --> 00:21:01,965
Pull yourself together. Think of your
members' wives and children.

319
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:05,164
Their... cats... budgies!

320
00:21:05,327 --> 00:21:07,761
They're resigned to it by now.

321
00:21:08,527 --> 00:21:12,042
Is Billy Fraser resigned to it?

322
00:21:12,727 --> 00:21:15,195
Yes... but he's over at Southwark.

323
00:21:16,087 --> 00:21:18,965
Do you want to bet?

324
00:21:19,407 --> 00:21:20,806
You mean...?

325
00:21:22,127 --> 00:21:27,326
Well, that's a different matter,
with some real shop-floor militancy.

326
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:30,763
You see? Unity. Solidarity.

327
00:21:31,527 --> 00:21:34,485
- Thanks for the drink.
- Thank you, Brother.

328
00:21:34,647 --> 00:21:39,038
Please give my kind regards
to our fraternal comrades.

329
00:21:41,807 --> 00:21:46,403
<i># We shall not</i>
<i>We shall not be moved #</i>

330
00:22:09,687 --> 00:22:13,396
Minister, this is Mrs Rogers,
the chief administrator.

331
00:22:13,567 --> 00:22:17,719
- Nice to meet you.
- Billy Fraser, committee chairman.

332
00:22:17,887 --> 00:22:22,563
- How nice to meet you.
- I wouldn't be too sure.

333
00:22:29,047 --> 00:22:31,845
This is 'F' ward.

334
00:22:37,127 --> 00:22:40,642
(RACKET OF TYPEWRITERS AND PHONES)

335
00:22:44,487 --> 00:22:47,285
(PHONES RING INCESSANTLY)

336
00:22:50,887 --> 00:22:53,685
And this is 'J' theatre.

337
00:22:56,327 --> 00:23:02,880
- How much did all this cost?
- With radiotherapy... two and a quarter million.

338
00:23:03,047 --> 00:23:08,758
- It's appalling it's not used!
- No, a very good thing in some ways.

339
00:23:08,927 --> 00:23:12,522
Prolongs its life, cuts down running costs.

340
00:23:12,687 --> 00:23:14,803
But there are no patients!

341
00:23:14,967 --> 00:23:17,640
But essential work has to go on.

342
00:23:17,807 --> 00:23:20,367
Aren't patients essential work?

343
00:23:20,527 --> 00:23:24,202
Running an organisation
of 500 people is a big job.

344
00:23:24,367 --> 00:23:27,882
But if they weren't here, they wouldn't be here!

345
00:23:28,047 --> 00:23:30,117
This is wrong. It won't do.

346
00:23:30,287 --> 00:23:33,359
Either get some patients or I'll close it.

347
00:23:33,527 --> 00:23:38,476
- Well, in the course of time...
- Not in the course of time. Now!

348
00:23:38,647 --> 00:23:44,040
Get rid of 300 staff, get some
doctors and get some patients!

349
00:23:44,207 --> 00:23:48,439
Without those 300 people
this hospital wouldn't function!

350
00:23:48,607 --> 00:23:50,643
And it's functioning now?

351
00:23:50,807 --> 00:23:55,005
Minister, it's one of the best-run
hospitals in the country.

352
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:57,965
It's up for a Florence Nightingale Award.

353
00:23:58,127 --> 00:24:02,757
- What, pray, is that?
- "The Most Hygienic Hospital".

354
00:24:03,327 --> 00:24:06,763
I've said my last word. 300 staff must go.

355
00:24:06,927 --> 00:24:12,684
- 300 jobs lost?!
- Surgery with a skeleton staff?!

356
00:24:12,847 --> 00:24:17,796
Don't do any surgery. Do varicose
veins, piles... Do something!

357
00:24:17,967 --> 00:24:21,721
- You mean 300 jobs lost?!
- Yes, I do.

358
00:24:21,887 --> 00:24:25,596
A hospital is a place for healing of the sick!

359
00:24:25,767 --> 00:24:30,045
It's employment for my members,
and you want to sack them.

360
00:24:30,207 --> 00:24:32,801
Is that your compassionate society?

361
00:24:32,967 --> 00:24:35,959
Compassionate to patients
rather than your members!

362
00:24:36,127 --> 00:24:38,721
We'll come out on strike.

363
00:24:39,487 --> 00:24:41,762
Very well, do that.

364
00:24:41,927 --> 00:24:46,478
Who can it harm? Do, please!
Strike, the sooner the better!

365
00:24:46,647 --> 00:24:51,960
Take the administrators with you.
Then we shan't have to pay you.

366
00:25:01,647 --> 00:25:05,879
- How about a drink before home?
- Yes. Thank you, Minister.

367
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:10,325
- That went well at the hospital.
- Yes, Minister.

368
00:25:10,487 --> 00:25:13,843
- I wasn't standing any argument.
- No, Minister.

369
00:25:14,007 --> 00:25:18,364
Threatening to strike!
Played right into my hands. Cheers!

370
00:25:18,527 --> 00:25:21,325
Aren't we missing the news?

371
00:25:22,607 --> 00:25:28,523
<i>0ur diplomatic correspondent</i>
<i>says the US is pressuring the UK</i>

372
00:25:28,687 --> 00:25:31,076
<i>to take Cuban refugees.</i>

373
00:25:31,247 --> 00:25:33,522
<i>The Government has made no comment.</i>

374
00:25:33,687 --> 00:25:35,564
Got no money.

375
00:25:35,727 --> 00:25:42,360
<i>All workers in London hospitals</i>
<i>are to go on strike at Friday midnight.</i>

376
00:25:43,087 --> 00:25:45,647
Right... What?!

377
00:25:45,807 --> 00:25:48,401
<i>A row has blown up at St Edwards</i>

378
00:25:48,567 --> 00:25:52,924
<i>over the proposed laying-off</i>
<i>of 170 ancillary workers.</i>

379
00:25:53,087 --> 00:25:55,555
<i>We spoke to activist Billy Fraser.</i>

380
00:25:55,727 --> 00:25:58,719
<i>We're striking against unemployment.</i>

381
00:25:58,887 --> 00:26:02,243
<i>We can bring London's hospitals</i>
<i>to a complete standstill.</i>

382
00:26:02,887 --> 00:26:07,563
<i>There'll be no blood transfusions,</i>
<i>no cancer treatment, nothingl</i>

383
00:26:07,727 --> 00:26:10,639
<i>Till we have the compassionate society.</i>

384
00:26:10,807 --> 00:26:15,881
- <i>How can you do this to patients?</i>
- <i>It's Mr Hacker that's doing it.</i>

385
00:26:16,047 --> 00:26:20,359
<i>But you're inflicting terrible</i>
<i>sanctions on the innocent public.</i>

386
00:26:20,527 --> 00:26:25,726
<i>I'd like to take this opportunity</i>
<i>to assure the general public,</i>

387
00:26:25,887 --> 00:26:30,278
<i>every stone will be left unturned</i>
<i>in a search for a settlement.</i>

388
00:26:32,567 --> 00:26:36,765
Have you seen the news?
You said you'd talk to the unions!

389
00:26:36,927 --> 00:26:41,205
- What are we going to do?
- We have a more serious problem.

390
00:26:41,367 --> 00:26:44,598
Sir Maurice's independent enquiry
about the department.

391
00:26:44,767 --> 00:26:46,883
It's unfavourable to us.

392
00:26:47,047 --> 00:26:49,117
You said he was sound!

393
00:26:49,287 --> 00:26:53,326
I know, but he's also working as chairman

394
00:26:53,487 --> 00:26:56,126
of the Refugee Resettlement Committee.

395
00:26:56,287 --> 00:27:00,599
There are more Brownie points
for refugees than enquiries!

396
00:27:00,767 --> 00:27:02,485
Precisely, Minister.

397
00:27:02,647 --> 00:27:05,605
We've no money to re-house the refugees.

398
00:27:06,127 --> 00:27:08,687
- Minister?
- I don't want to talk!

399
00:27:08,847 --> 00:27:10,997
It's Number 10...

400
00:27:14,967 --> 00:27:16,400
Hello, Ji...

401
00:27:16,567 --> 00:27:18,159
Yes. Quite.

402
00:27:18,327 --> 00:27:19,646
I see.

403
00:27:19,807 --> 00:27:22,037
Not at all. Thank you.

404
00:27:22,607 --> 00:27:24,996
They've seen Fraser on the news.

405
00:27:25,167 --> 00:27:28,000
They want a peace formula soon!

406
00:27:28,167 --> 00:27:34,800
Sir Maurice says he'll be satisfied
only if the UK will house 1,000 refugees.

407
00:27:34,967 --> 00:27:39,483
But we haven't the money.
Or for 1,000 hospital beds...

408
00:27:40,567 --> 00:27:44,242
- How many refugees?
- 1,000.

409
00:27:44,407 --> 00:27:47,479
1,000 refugees? 1,000 beds!

410
00:27:47,647 --> 00:27:53,085
Minister, that hospital is
for sick British not healthy foreigners!

411
00:27:53,247 --> 00:27:56,637
- There's a huge waiting list.
- Didn't you just say

412
00:27:56,807 --> 00:28:00,686
Sir Maurice's enquiry was likely
to come down against us?

413
00:28:00,847 --> 00:28:03,919
- That's a...
- That what you want?

414
00:28:05,287 --> 00:28:07,801
I see your point, Minister.

415
00:28:07,967 --> 00:28:12,483
Bernard, reinstate all the workers
at St Edward's.

416
00:28:12,647 --> 00:28:15,957
Tell Sir Maurice we can offer a new hospital,

417
00:28:16,127 --> 00:28:18,721
with accommodation for 1,000 refugees.

418
00:28:18,887 --> 00:28:22,926
Tell the press it was my decision
and that everybody's happy.

419
00:28:23,087 --> 00:28:27,126
- Do want to give a quote, Minister?
- Why not? Say...

420
00:28:27,287 --> 00:28:31,838
"It was a tough decision, but a necessary one.

421
00:28:33,927 --> 00:28:37,966
"If Britain is to retain the name of..."

422
00:28:38,127 --> 00:28:41,802
- "The compassionate society"?
- Thank you.

423
00:28:41,967 --> 00:28:44,720
"...the compassionate society."
Got that?

424
00:28:44,887 --> 00:28:47,321
Yes, Minister.

425
00:30:14,647 --> 00:30:17,036
We can't economise in accommodation?

426
00:30:17,207 --> 00:30:19,323
(WOMAN) 'Fraid not, Minister.

427
00:30:19,487 --> 00:30:23,639
- Data-processing equipment?
- Not possible.

428
00:30:23,807 --> 00:30:28,198
- The further education budget?
- Sadly, it can't be.

429
00:30:29,487 --> 00:30:32,957
At least the universities won't cost us as much,

430
00:30:33,127 --> 00:30:37,006
with overseas students paying fees
covering education costs.

431
00:30:37,167 --> 00:30:41,922
- Unless you make exceptions...?
- No, sorry, no exceptions.

432
00:30:42,087 --> 00:30:43,998
At least, that's one saving.

433
00:30:44,167 --> 00:30:47,842
- Minister, it's...
- Yes, of course.

434
00:30:48,007 --> 00:30:50,601
That's all, I'm afraid. Meeting over.

435
00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:53,122
- Thank you
- Thank you.

436
00:30:53,287 --> 00:30:55,198
Before Sir Humphrey comes,

437
00:30:55,367 --> 00:31:00,077
Number 10 asked you to approve
recommendations for the honours list.

438
00:31:00,247 --> 00:31:02,681
That's the eighth time you've asked.

439
00:31:02,847 --> 00:31:06,078
Are honours the most serious
concern of this department?

440
00:31:06,247 --> 00:31:10,957
They are to the people on the list.
Some haven't slept for days!

441
00:31:11,127 --> 00:31:15,359
What are they worried about?
Ministers never veto honours.

442
00:31:15,527 --> 00:31:19,122
It's possible.
They're worried about the delay.

443
00:31:19,287 --> 00:31:23,280
How do people know they're listed?
It's marked "Strictly Confidential".

444
00:31:23,447 --> 00:31:25,199
Oh, Minister...

445
00:31:27,047 --> 00:31:28,605
Silly of me.

446
00:31:28,767 --> 00:31:32,726
If they'd put some of that effort
into cutting expenditure...

447
00:31:32,887 --> 00:31:36,004
How can I make people want economies

448
00:31:36,167 --> 00:31:39,762
in the same way they want OBEs and KCBs?

449
00:31:39,927 --> 00:31:43,442
I've been thinking... No, no, no.

450
00:31:43,607 --> 00:31:46,246
- What?
- No, no, nothing...

451
00:31:46,967 --> 00:31:48,366
Spit it out.

452
00:31:48,887 --> 00:31:53,483
It's not my place, and I couldn't
possibly recommend it...

453
00:31:53,647 --> 00:31:57,765
Suppose you were to refuse
to recommend any honours

454
00:31:57,927 --> 00:32:02,921
for civil servants who hadn't cut
their budgets by 5%...?

455
00:32:03,967 --> 00:32:06,925
- Bernard!
- Sorry, Minister...

456
00:32:07,087 --> 00:32:10,204
No, Bernard! It's brilliant!

457
00:32:11,607 --> 00:32:16,123
It's the answer. It's the only hold
we have over the civil servants.

458
00:32:16,287 --> 00:32:19,757
I can't stop their pay rises or their promotions.

459
00:32:19,927 --> 00:32:24,443
I don't even write their reports,
but I can withhold their honours!

460
00:32:24,607 --> 00:32:27,883
- Well done.
- You thought of it, Minister.

461
00:32:28,047 --> 00:32:32,279
- No, no, you thought of it.
- No, you thought of it.

462
00:32:33,247 --> 00:32:35,636
Please!

463
00:32:38,047 --> 00:32:42,086
Just a touch, please. Thank you very much.

464
00:32:42,247 --> 00:32:46,160
Splendid dinner. I always enjoy my visits here.

465
00:32:46,327 --> 00:32:49,558
I'm afraid this could be your last.

466
00:32:49,727 --> 00:32:53,515
Why? Did I pass the port the wrong way?

467
00:32:53,687 --> 00:32:57,521
- Tell him, Bursar.
- The college's going to the wall.

468
00:32:57,687 --> 00:33:03,125
It's your new policy of charging
overseas students full rates.

469
00:33:03,287 --> 00:33:05,596
Other Oxford colleges can cope,

470
00:33:05,767 --> 00:33:10,522
but we've always had many
overseas students here at Baillie.

471
00:33:10,687 --> 00:33:14,236
You simply charge them a full fee, no problem.

472
00:33:14,407 --> 00:33:18,320
Unless they can't pay �4,000 a year.
They won't come.

473
00:33:18,487 --> 00:33:24,801
I've been all over the USA, selling
them the idea of an Oxford education.

474
00:33:24,967 --> 00:33:27,879
Africa is crawling with British professors

475
00:33:28,047 --> 00:33:32,677
frantically trying to flog
sociology courses to the natives.

476
00:33:32,847 --> 00:33:37,079
And India and the Middle East.
Competition is cut-throat.

477
00:33:37,247 --> 00:33:41,559
Why not fill up vacancies
with British undergraduates?

478
00:33:41,727 --> 00:33:44,878
I don't think that's awfully funny, Humphrey.

479
00:33:46,007 --> 00:33:51,035
- I wasn't trying to be funny.
- Anything but home students!

480
00:33:51,207 --> 00:33:56,565
- Why?
- We only get 500 a head for them.

481
00:33:56,727 --> 00:34:01,482
We'd have to take 400
to replace a mere 50 foreigners.

482
00:34:01,647 --> 00:34:06,118
The staff/student ratio would go from 1:10 to 1:34.

483
00:34:06,287 --> 00:34:11,566
We'd have classrooms, dormitories...
like Wormwood Scrubs!

484
00:34:12,367 --> 00:34:15,120
Or the University of Sussex!

485
00:34:18,047 --> 00:34:23,246
The Master thinks the pictures
may fetch �20-30,000.

486
00:34:23,407 --> 00:34:25,716
The pictures and silver together

487
00:34:25,887 --> 00:34:29,277
might just pay the mortgage interest.

488
00:34:29,447 --> 00:34:32,041
Dear, oh, dear!

489
00:34:32,207 --> 00:34:36,723
Or we could get the Government
to treat us as an exception.

490
00:34:36,887 --> 00:34:39,560
Interestingly, Humphrey,

491
00:34:39,727 --> 00:34:44,881
it seems to be your Minister
who has the authority.

492
00:34:48,967 --> 00:34:54,280
How might one persuade a Minister
of the importance of Baillie College?

493
00:34:54,447 --> 00:34:58,565
Why not get him down to a High Table dinner?

494
00:34:58,727 --> 00:35:03,676
Is he of the intellectual calibre
to understand our case?

495
00:35:04,567 --> 00:35:06,797
Oh, yes!

496
00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:10,518
It's intelligible to anyone

497
00:35:10,687 --> 00:35:13,804
with the intellectual calibre of Winnie the Pooh!

498
00:35:13,967 --> 00:35:15,764
Quite!

499
00:35:15,927 --> 00:35:20,921
And Hacker is of the intellectual
calibre of Winnie the Pooh?

500
00:35:22,367 --> 00:35:24,164
Oh, yes!

501
00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:27,078
On his day.

502
00:35:30,327 --> 00:35:32,636
- Morning, Minister.
- Morning, Humphrey.

503
00:35:32,807 --> 00:35:34,604
Two things, Minister.

504
00:35:34,767 --> 00:35:40,205
Firstly, the departmental
recommendations for the honours list.

505
00:35:40,367 --> 00:35:43,564
- The honours list again!
- Yes, Minister.

506
00:35:43,727 --> 00:35:48,323
- Let's leave that for the moment.
- We can't leave it, Minister.

507
00:35:48,487 --> 00:35:51,797
- It's getting near the five weeks.
- Five weeks?

508
00:35:51,967 --> 00:35:54,925
All recipients are notified five weeks before.

509
00:35:55,087 --> 00:35:57,157
It gives them time to refuse.

510
00:35:57,327 --> 00:36:00,922
When did a civil servant last refuse an honour?!

511
00:36:01,087 --> 00:36:03,840
Somebody in the Treasury refused a knighthood.

512
00:36:04,007 --> 00:36:07,443
- When?
- I think it was 1496.

513
00:36:08,087 --> 00:36:11,204
- Why?
- He'd already got one.

514
00:36:11,367 --> 00:36:14,598
- If you've approved the list...
- Humphrey...

515
00:36:14,767 --> 00:36:18,077
...did you know that 20%
of honours go to civil servants?

516
00:36:18,247 --> 00:36:21,045
A fitting tribute to their devotion to duty.

517
00:36:21,207 --> 00:36:23,277
That's what they get paid for.

518
00:36:23,447 --> 00:36:27,326
The rest of us have to do
something special to get an honour.

519
00:36:27,487 --> 00:36:32,356
They work for years with the mentally
handicapped to get an MBE.

520
00:36:32,527 --> 00:36:35,758
Your knighthoods simply come up with the rations.

521
00:36:35,927 --> 00:36:39,761
Minister, her Majesty's
civil servants spend their lives

522
00:36:39,927 --> 00:36:45,365
working for a modest wage
and at the end retire into obscurity.

523
00:36:45,527 --> 00:36:49,486
Honours are a small reward for a lifetime of loyal,

524
00:36:49,647 --> 00:36:54,880
self-effacing discretion
and devoted service to the nation.

525
00:36:55,047 --> 00:36:57,402
- "A modest wage"?
- Alas, yes.

526
00:36:57,567 --> 00:37:00,877
You get over �30,000 a year!

527
00:37:01,047 --> 00:37:05,757
- That's �7,000 more than I get.
- But still relatively modest.

528
00:37:05,927 --> 00:37:08,805
Relative to whom?

529
00:37:08,967 --> 00:37:11,322
Elizabeth Taylor, for example.

530
00:37:12,127 --> 00:37:14,687
You are not relative to Elizabeth Taylor.

531
00:37:15,207 --> 00:37:17,801
There are important differences.

532
00:37:17,967 --> 00:37:21,596
Indeed, yes. She didn't get a first at Oxford.

533
00:37:21,767 --> 00:37:23,803
And retire into obscurity?!

534
00:37:23,967 --> 00:37:29,087
You take a massive pension
and become directors of oil companies.

535
00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:31,283
But very obscure directors.

536
00:37:31,447 --> 00:37:35,759
You're in no danger of the sack.
In industry, you get the boot.

537
00:37:35,927 --> 00:37:39,078
In the civil service,
if you screw up, I get the boot!

538
00:37:39,247 --> 00:37:42,922
- Very droll, Minister. The list...
- No, Humphrey.

539
00:37:43,087 --> 00:37:47,444
I'll not approve any honour
to any civil servant who hasn't earned it.

540
00:37:48,287 --> 00:37:51,643
- What do you mean, "earned it"?
- I mean "earned it".

541
00:37:51,807 --> 00:37:56,642
- Done something to deserve it.
- But that's unheard of!

542
00:37:57,167 --> 00:38:02,195
My new policy is to withhold
all honours from civil servants

543
00:38:02,367 --> 00:38:07,919
who do not make a cut
in their budgets of 5% per year.

544
00:38:09,847 --> 00:38:12,156
Your silence indicates approval?

545
00:38:12,327 --> 00:38:16,286
It does not! Where did you get
that preposterous idea?

546
00:38:17,087 --> 00:38:18,440
It...

547
00:38:21,727 --> 00:38:26,721
...just came to me.
- It's ridiculous! Unheard of!

548
00:38:26,887 --> 00:38:29,447
The whole idea is... It's...

549
00:38:29,607 --> 00:38:32,644
It strikes at the very roots of...

550
00:38:32,807 --> 00:38:35,401
It's the beginning of the end!

551
00:38:35,567 --> 00:38:39,799
The thin end of the wedge! A Bennite solution!

552
00:38:39,967 --> 00:38:42,561
What next? Abolition of the monarchy?

553
00:38:42,727 --> 00:38:44,365
Don't be absurd.

554
00:38:44,527 --> 00:38:47,803
The system has worked so well in the past.

555
00:38:47,967 --> 00:38:49,286
It hasn't.

556
00:38:49,447 --> 00:38:53,679
- Give it a fair trial.
- I thought you might say that...

557
00:38:53,847 --> 00:39:00,605
The Most Noble Order of the Garter
was founded in 1348 by Edward III.

558
00:39:00,767 --> 00:39:03,679
It's at the end of its trial period now.

559
00:39:03,847 --> 00:39:08,602
Minister, if you block honours pending economies,

560
00:39:08,767 --> 00:39:12,237
you might create a dangerous precedent.

561
00:39:12,407 --> 00:39:17,561
If we do the right thing now,
we'll have to do the right thing next time?

562
00:39:17,727 --> 00:39:20,958
- Nothing would get done at all!
- On the contrary.

563
00:39:21,127 --> 00:39:25,325
- Many things must be done, but...
...nothing done for the first time!

564
00:39:25,487 --> 00:39:26,806
No, Minister!

565
00:39:26,967 --> 00:39:32,758
I'm fully seized of your aims,
and I'll try to put them into practice.

566
00:39:32,927 --> 00:39:34,246
To that end,

567
00:39:34,407 --> 00:39:38,559
I recommend we set up a committee
with broad terms of reference,

568
00:39:38,727 --> 00:39:42,561
so we're in a position to think
through the various implications

569
00:39:42,727 --> 00:39:45,878
and decide based on long-term considerations

570
00:39:46,047 --> 00:39:50,120
rather than rush prematurely
into precipitate and ill-conceived actions

571
00:39:50,287 --> 00:39:54,075
which might have unforeseen repercussions.

572
00:39:55,007 --> 00:39:57,646
You mean "no"?

573
00:39:57,807 --> 00:40:02,642
I mean, as far as one can see,
in the fullness of time...

574
00:40:02,807 --> 00:40:05,480
No, no, no, Humphrey.

575
00:40:05,647 --> 00:40:07,797
You know me: Action now!

576
00:40:07,967 --> 00:40:10,561
(MUTTERS) Action now.

577
00:40:10,727 --> 00:40:13,719
Nobody in their right mind can want honours.

578
00:40:13,887 --> 00:40:17,004
They encourage sycophancy, snobbery, jealousy,

579
00:40:17,167 --> 00:40:20,204
and civil servants shouldn't get them all!

580
00:40:20,367 --> 00:40:24,804
- But Minister...
- No, no! I'm sorry. I have decided.

581
00:40:24,967 --> 00:40:27,800
- Your other point?
- Other point?

582
00:40:27,967 --> 00:40:30,800
- You had two.
- Did I?

583
00:40:30,967 --> 00:40:34,562
Yes, I'm sorry. The shock!

584
00:40:35,247 --> 00:40:40,924
Yesterday, I had representations
from Baillie College, Oxford.

585
00:40:41,087 --> 00:40:46,559
Grants for overseas students...
They'll lose millions a year.

586
00:40:46,727 --> 00:40:49,878
They must just take more British students.

587
00:40:50,047 --> 00:40:53,801
Nothing would please them more, but you see...

588
00:40:53,967 --> 00:40:56,845
...Baillie has many foreign students,

589
00:40:57,007 --> 00:40:59,077
and there could be repercussions

590
00:40:59,247 --> 00:41:02,717
at the schools of tropical medicine,
international law,

591
00:41:02,887 --> 00:41:06,004
and the Arabic department
may have to close down.

592
00:41:06,167 --> 00:41:09,762
We can't educate foreigners
at the taxpayer's expense.

593
00:41:09,927 --> 00:41:11,679
Not just foreigners.

594
00:41:11,847 --> 00:41:17,285
If the diplomatic service had nowhere
to immerse its recruits,

595
00:41:17,447 --> 00:41:22,282
the results could be catastrophic,
with a pro-Israeli Foreign Office!

596
00:41:23,047 --> 00:41:25,607
What would happen to our oil policy?

597
00:41:25,767 --> 00:41:28,486
Its recruits must go elsewhere.

598
00:41:28,647 --> 00:41:31,081
Where else would they learn Arabic?

599
00:41:31,247 --> 00:41:33,283
Arabia?

600
00:41:33,447 --> 00:41:36,120
Baillie College has an outstanding record.

601
00:41:36,287 --> 00:41:39,836
- It's filled our jails for years.
- Jails?

602
00:41:40,007 --> 00:41:43,841
Yes. The letters "JB" are the finest
honour in the Commonwealth.

603
00:41:44,007 --> 00:41:47,602
- "JB"?
- "Jailed by the British".

604
00:41:47,767 --> 00:41:50,679
Gandhi, Nkrumah, Makarios,

605
00:41:50,847 --> 00:41:54,840
Ben-Gurion, Kenyatta, Nehru, Mugabe.

606
00:41:55,007 --> 00:42:00,081
The list of leaders is endless
and contains several of our students.

607
00:42:00,247 --> 00:42:02,203
"Our students"?

608
00:42:02,367 --> 00:42:06,406
Humphrey... which college did you go to?

609
00:42:06,567 --> 00:42:08,956
That is quite beside the point.

610
00:42:09,127 --> 00:42:12,119
I like being beside the point.

611
00:42:12,287 --> 00:42:15,802
Humour me, Humphrey.
Which college did you go to?

612
00:42:15,967 --> 00:42:19,676
Was it Baillie, by any strange coincidence?

613
00:42:19,847 --> 00:42:25,399
It so happens... I am a Baillie man,
but that has nothing to do with it!

614
00:42:25,567 --> 00:42:27,398
No, of course not.

615
00:42:27,567 --> 00:42:29,797
Perish the thought. Naughty.

616
00:42:30,767 --> 00:42:32,962
Yes? The division, Minister.

617
00:42:33,127 --> 00:42:36,437
That rather settles it. No more time.

618
00:42:36,607 --> 00:42:39,075
Am I voting "aye" or "no"?

619
00:42:39,247 --> 00:42:42,523
- "No". It's a...
- I don't want to know what it is.

620
00:42:42,687 --> 00:42:46,680
I don't want to go through the wrong door.

621
00:42:49,047 --> 00:42:50,958
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

622
00:42:54,927 --> 00:42:56,246
Arnold?

623
00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:59,001
Humphrey! Do sit down.

624
00:43:00,247 --> 00:43:03,205
Hope you don't mind my dragging you here.

625
00:43:03,367 --> 00:43:07,997
- No, please.
- I was worried about your Minister.

626
00:43:08,647 --> 00:43:11,480
Linking honours to economies.

627
00:43:11,647 --> 00:43:14,161
That? A lot of nonsense.

628
00:43:14,327 --> 00:43:17,717
Good. You mean it's not true?

629
00:43:18,887 --> 00:43:24,166
Not exactly. That is, he did just mention it.

630
00:43:24,847 --> 00:43:28,442
- But...
- But what?

631
00:43:28,607 --> 00:43:32,839
I can't find any effective arguments against it.

632
00:43:33,047 --> 00:43:35,800
- It's the thin end of the wedge.
- That's what I said.

633
00:43:35,967 --> 00:43:38,800
- A Bennite solution.
- I said that.

634
00:43:38,967 --> 00:43:41,527
- Where will it end?
- That's what I said.

635
00:43:42,167 --> 00:43:45,716
No, it's intolerable, but...

636
00:43:47,287 --> 00:43:48,959
...irresistible.

637
00:43:49,127 --> 00:43:53,405
I'm not reprimanding you,
I don't know the facts well enough.

638
00:43:53,567 --> 00:43:57,958
I'd like your assurance
that he won't be putting it into practice.

639
00:43:58,127 --> 00:44:00,197
I certainly hope he won't.

640
00:44:00,367 --> 00:44:03,484
I'm not sure that hopes are good enough.

641
00:44:03,647 --> 00:44:08,402
If he applied it to your department,
the contagion would spread!

642
00:44:08,567 --> 00:44:10,285
Every department!

643
00:44:11,087 --> 00:44:16,480
- Presumably, we can count on you?
- I shall certainly try.

644
00:44:18,807 --> 00:44:23,517
- But... it's rather tricky.
- You know what you're doing.

645
00:44:23,687 --> 00:44:28,477
This could cause people
to reflect on your soundness.

646
00:44:28,647 --> 00:44:31,605
I've no doubts about you myself, but...

647
00:44:31,767 --> 00:44:36,283
- I thought a chat would be useful.
- Absolutely. Thank you.

648
00:44:36,447 --> 00:44:40,645
By the way, I had our college
master on the phone.

649
00:44:40,807 --> 00:44:43,799
- He said you dined at Baillie.
- Right!

650
00:44:44,367 --> 00:44:49,077
I assured them your Minister would
treat them as a special case.

651
00:44:50,967 --> 00:44:53,561
Yes... Yes...

652
00:44:53,727 --> 00:44:57,686
I've got the Minister coming
to a benefactors' dinner.

653
00:44:57,847 --> 00:45:00,202
Good. Sound man.

654
00:45:00,367 --> 00:45:05,122
I must be getting over to Number 10.
Thanks for dropping in.

655
00:45:05,287 --> 00:45:06,606
Pleasure...

656
00:45:07,447 --> 00:45:09,358
...Arnold.

657
00:45:15,527 --> 00:45:20,282
Sir Humphrey saw the Cabinet Secretary
and got the most frightful wigging.

658
00:45:20,447 --> 00:45:25,362
Really tore him off a strip because
of your economies-honours scheme.

659
00:45:25,527 --> 00:45:29,805
- Your scheme.
- We've been through all that.

660
00:45:29,967 --> 00:45:32,356
Sorry. My scheme.

661
00:45:33,327 --> 00:45:36,000
Why wig someone as high up as Humphrey?

662
00:45:36,167 --> 00:45:39,842
Normally, it's civilised,
but this time it was no-holds-barred.

663
00:45:40,007 --> 00:45:43,556
Sir Arnold said he wasn't
actually reprimanding him.

664
00:45:43,727 --> 00:45:46,525
- Bad as that, was it?
- Yes.

665
00:45:46,687 --> 00:45:51,556
He suggested some people
might not think he was sound.

666
00:45:51,727 --> 00:45:54,082
- A real punch-up!
- Indeed.

667
00:45:54,247 --> 00:45:58,684
What has Sir Arnold to fear?
He has all the honours he could want.

668
00:45:58,847 --> 00:46:01,281
- He has his "G".
- "G"?

669
00:46:01,447 --> 00:46:05,281
- You get your "G" after your "K".
- You speak in riddles.

670
00:46:05,447 --> 00:46:09,679
First you get the CMG,
then the KCMG and the GCMG,

671
00:46:09,847 --> 00:46:13,362
the Command of the Order
of St Michael and St George,

672
00:46:13,527 --> 00:46:15,802
Knight Grand Cross of St George.

673
00:46:15,967 --> 00:46:20,404
In the service, CMG stands for "Call Me God".

674
00:46:20,567 --> 00:46:24,355
And KCMG for "Kindly Call Me God".

675
00:46:25,807 --> 00:46:27,445
And GCMG?

676
00:46:27,607 --> 00:46:30,599
"God Calls Me God".

677
00:46:31,607 --> 00:46:35,680
Why should Sir Arnold worry?
He has his full quota of honours.

678
00:46:35,847 --> 00:46:37,166
Nowhere near!

679
00:46:37,327 --> 00:46:40,717
There's a peerage, the CH,
the OM, the Knight of the Thistle...

680
00:46:40,887 --> 00:46:43,162
Knight of the Thistle? Who for?

681
00:46:43,327 --> 00:46:47,764
- Scotsmen and donkeys?!
- There's a distinction.

682
00:46:47,927 --> 00:46:51,363
You haven't met the Scottish Nationalists!

683
00:46:51,527 --> 00:46:56,521
- How do they award the Thistle?
- A committee sits on it.

684
00:46:59,847 --> 00:47:04,363
Does Humphrey think I'll change university policy

685
00:47:04,527 --> 00:47:06,438
over High Table dinner?

686
00:47:06,607 --> 00:47:10,600
I believe Baillie College give
a very good dinner, Minister.

687
00:47:11,287 --> 00:47:16,042
- How much further?
- A few minutes. The M40's good.

688
00:47:17,927 --> 00:47:20,521
So's the M4...

689
00:47:20,687 --> 00:47:24,236
Why did we get two really good roads to Oxford

690
00:47:24,407 --> 00:47:30,243
before any to Southampton
or Dover or any of the ports?

691
00:47:30,407 --> 00:47:34,446
Nearly all our Permanent Secretaries
went to Oxford, Minister,

692
00:47:34,607 --> 00:47:39,283
and most Oxford colleges give very good dinners.

693
00:47:39,447 --> 00:47:42,405
- The Cabinet allow that?
- Certainly not.

694
00:47:42,567 --> 00:47:45,957
They said no motorway to take
civil servants to Oxford,

695
00:47:46,127 --> 00:47:49,676
unless there was one to take
Ministers hunting in the shires.

696
00:47:49,847 --> 00:47:53,965
That's why the M1 stopped in Leicestershire!

697
00:47:54,127 --> 00:47:56,687
Oh, come!

698
00:47:59,127 --> 00:48:02,403
What about the M11 just completed?

699
00:48:02,567 --> 00:48:05,081
Doesn't Cambridge give as good dinners?

700
00:48:05,247 --> 00:48:07,807
Yes, of course, but it's been years

701
00:48:07,967 --> 00:48:12,722
since Transport had a Permanent
Secretary from Cambridge.

702
00:48:14,647 --> 00:48:16,365
(CHATTER)

703
00:48:26,087 --> 00:48:30,160
For a college on the edge
of bankruptcy, not a bad dinner!

704
00:48:30,327 --> 00:48:33,683
The Fitzwalter Dinner is paid for by endowment,

705
00:48:33,847 --> 00:48:36,645
a great 16th-century benefactor.

706
00:48:36,807 --> 00:48:41,835
Most nights we eat Mother's Pride
and processed cheese.

707
00:48:42,007 --> 00:48:45,363
You need a 20th-century benefactor.

708
00:48:45,527 --> 00:48:49,964
- Interesting you should say that.
- Why?

709
00:48:50,127 --> 00:48:52,482
Benefactors are few and far between.

710
00:48:52,647 --> 00:48:57,323
Isaac Wolfson is only the second man
to have a college named after him

711
00:48:57,487 --> 00:49:00,047
- at Oxford and Cambridge.
- Who's the first?

712
00:49:00,207 --> 00:49:02,084
Jesus.

713
00:49:02,247 --> 00:49:05,159
- Jesus?
- Jesus... Christ.

714
00:49:07,847 --> 00:49:10,486
Some of our most revered benefactors are men

715
00:49:10,647 --> 00:49:14,162
who saved the college
from the depredations of Government.

716
00:49:14,327 --> 00:49:17,842
Their names are remembered
and hallowed for centuries.

717
00:49:18,007 --> 00:49:21,602
- It's a sort of immortality.
- Really?

718
00:49:21,767 --> 00:49:24,520
What did these benefactors do?

719
00:49:24,687 --> 00:49:29,317
Take Sir William de Vere, his coat
of arms are there and in chapel.

720
00:49:29,487 --> 00:49:33,958
He diverted the baronial army
away from Baillie in the 15th century.

721
00:49:34,127 --> 00:49:38,086
He had the soldiers billetted
at St George's College.

722
00:49:38,247 --> 00:49:43,719
- I didn't know there was a St George's.
- There isn't. Not since that.

723
00:49:43,887 --> 00:49:49,120
Then, there's George Monkton,
whom Monkton Quad's named after.

724
00:49:49,287 --> 00:49:53,485
He stopped Cromwell melting
all the college silver down

725
00:49:53,647 --> 00:49:55,399
to pay for his army.

726
00:49:55,607 --> 00:50:00,476
He told them the silver was better
quality at Trinity, Cambridge!

727
00:50:01,447 --> 00:50:05,838
Now, it looks like there'll be
no college left to remember.

728
00:50:06,007 --> 00:50:11,718
Unless we can solve
the problem of overseas students.

729
00:50:11,887 --> 00:50:13,479
(MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)

730
00:50:13,647 --> 00:50:17,242
Well, of course, one would like to...

731
00:50:17,407 --> 00:50:18,965
...help oneself.

732
00:50:19,127 --> 00:50:22,085
Er... help one's friends.

733
00:50:22,247 --> 00:50:24,715
Help the college.

734
00:50:24,887 --> 00:50:28,721
- Nothing to do with the honour.
- Of course not! Ignoble thought.

735
00:50:28,887 --> 00:50:32,880
The Minister believes
it's a politician's duty to help others.

736
00:50:33,047 --> 00:50:35,686
(SLURRING)
Absolutely. Name of the game.

737
00:50:35,847 --> 00:50:39,760
That's why we go into politics, to help others.

738
00:50:40,847 --> 00:50:43,998
I'm an idealist, nothing to do with the honour.

739
00:50:44,167 --> 00:50:47,557
Most of the honour comes after you're dead.

740
00:50:47,727 --> 00:50:51,640
Not much satisfaction from having
your name on the silver sconce

741
00:50:51,807 --> 00:50:54,879
when you're six feet under!

742
00:50:57,207 --> 00:51:01,678
Incidentally, Master,
to change the subject completely...

743
00:51:03,967 --> 00:51:07,039
...when do you award
your honorary doctorates?

744
00:51:07,207 --> 00:51:11,439
The ceremony's not for a few months,
but we have to decide in two weeks.

745
00:51:11,607 --> 00:51:14,326
- Doctorate?
- Aren't they decided?

746
00:51:14,487 --> 00:51:17,638
There is one Doctorate of Law still to be decided.

747
00:51:17,807 --> 00:51:22,517
We're wondering whether it should go
to a judge or someone in Government.

748
00:51:22,687 --> 00:51:25,155
(SLURS) Judge?!

749
00:51:26,887 --> 00:51:31,005
You don't want to make a judge a Doctor of Law!

750
00:51:31,167 --> 00:51:34,955
The politicians make the laws and pass the laws.

751
00:51:35,127 --> 00:51:39,359
If it wasn't for politicians,
the judges wouldn't be able to judge.

752
00:51:39,527 --> 00:51:42,564
There'd be no laws to judge!

753
00:51:42,727 --> 00:51:44,604
- Yes, indeed.
- Quite!

754
00:51:44,767 --> 00:51:48,442
They'd have nothing to do.
Queues of unemployed judges...

755
00:51:48,607 --> 00:51:51,326
...in silly wigs!

756
00:51:53,407 --> 00:51:55,477
It's all right for judges.

757
00:51:55,647 --> 00:52:00,437
They don't have to suck up
to TV producers, lie to journalists.

758
00:52:00,607 --> 00:52:04,395
They don't have to pretend
to like their Cabinet colleagues.

759
00:52:04,567 --> 00:52:06,683
I'll tell you something else...

760
00:52:07,327 --> 00:52:11,957
...if judges had to put up
with some of my colleagues,

761
00:52:12,127 --> 00:52:15,836
they'd bring capital punishment back tomorrow!

762
00:52:16,727 --> 00:52:18,365
Bloody good job, too!

763
00:52:18,527 --> 00:52:20,961
I'll tell you another thing...

764
00:52:21,127 --> 00:52:25,006
...I can't send him to prison.

765
00:52:26,087 --> 00:52:28,282
Can't send him to prison.

766
00:52:28,447 --> 00:52:33,760
If I were a judge, I could whiz
old Humpy off to the Scrubs.

767
00:52:34,367 --> 00:52:37,643
Feet wouldn't touch. Clang bang!
See you in three years.

768
00:52:37,807 --> 00:52:43,120
One third remission for good conduct.
I can't do that!

769
00:52:44,407 --> 00:52:46,523
I have to listen to him.

770
00:52:46,687 --> 00:52:49,406
Oh, God!

771
00:52:50,127 --> 00:52:53,005
On and on and on!

772
00:52:53,167 --> 00:52:57,957
Some of his sentences
are longer than Judge Jeffreys'!

773
00:52:58,127 --> 00:53:01,802
No, no, no. Politicians are much more deserving.

774
00:53:01,967 --> 00:53:05,277
You don't want to give
your doctory honourates to judges.

775
00:53:05,447 --> 00:53:07,677
Definitely not!

776
00:53:07,847 --> 00:53:10,964
Beautifully argued, Minister.

777
00:53:11,127 --> 00:53:15,166
I see now... we shouldn't give it to a judge.

778
00:53:15,607 --> 00:53:19,839
- You put the case most expertly.
- Almost like a Doctor of Law.

779
00:53:20,007 --> 00:53:23,556
I can see you there now in the Sheldonian,

780
00:53:23,727 --> 00:53:26,764
standing there in those magnificent crimson robes,

781
00:53:26,927 --> 00:53:31,796
receiving your doctorate in front
of an assembly of eminent scholars.

782
00:53:31,967 --> 00:53:34,481
(HUMPHREY) Wonderful.
(MASTER) Marvellous.

783
00:53:34,647 --> 00:53:37,719
How funny you should say that.

784
00:53:37,887 --> 00:53:41,402
I was just thinking the same thing.

785
00:53:46,767 --> 00:53:49,327
Morning, Minister. Morning, Bernard.

786
00:53:50,527 --> 00:53:53,678
Most enjoyable dinner last night.

787
00:53:53,847 --> 00:53:59,126
I wonder if we could have
a private chat. Forgive us, Bernard.

788
00:53:59,287 --> 00:54:02,165
Minister...

789
00:54:02,327 --> 00:54:05,956
...the master of Baillie has asked me to enquire

790
00:54:06,127 --> 00:54:10,120
whether you'd accept an honorary doctorate of law.

791
00:54:10,927 --> 00:54:12,645
Me? Good heavens!

792
00:54:12,807 --> 00:54:15,844
- It's... not an offer.
- No, of course not.

793
00:54:16,007 --> 00:54:20,159
Of course, in view of your
well-known hostility to honours...

794
00:54:20,327 --> 00:54:23,478
Don't be silly. This is quite different.

795
00:54:23,647 --> 00:54:25,558
Not entirely, Minister.

796
00:54:25,727 --> 00:54:30,721
It's a matter of accepting it
without doing anything to deserve it,

797
00:54:30,887 --> 00:54:35,278
as you might put it
in your refreshingly blunt fashion.

798
00:54:35,447 --> 00:54:38,041
I'm a Cabinet Minister!

799
00:54:38,207 --> 00:54:41,995
- Isn't that what you're paid for?
- Yes, but... No!

800
00:54:42,687 --> 00:54:44,200
Yes, but...

801
00:54:44,367 --> 00:54:49,282
I can't refuse a vote of confidence
in the Government, not just oneself.

802
00:54:49,447 --> 00:54:53,759
No, quite. As I say, it's not certain, it's...

803
00:54:56,407 --> 00:54:59,319
(HUMPHREY HUMS TO HIMSELF)

804
00:54:59,487 --> 00:55:02,285
Humphrey, to change the subject completely,

805
00:55:02,447 --> 00:55:06,998
I'd like to do what I can for Baillie
in this overseas students business.

806
00:55:07,167 --> 00:55:08,759
Oh, good!

807
00:55:08,927 --> 00:55:12,363
But wouldn't I need a pretext... a reason?

808
00:55:12,527 --> 00:55:14,438
No, Minister, no problem.

809
00:55:14,607 --> 00:55:18,566
The Palace has been under pressure
from certain African leaders.

810
00:55:18,727 --> 00:55:20,797
We can't embarrass the Palace,

811
00:55:20,967 --> 00:55:25,358
so we'll redesignate Baillie
as a Commonwealth Education Centre.

812
00:55:26,367 --> 00:55:33,079
But where am I to find the money?
I'm set on 5% cuts across the board.

813
00:55:33,247 --> 00:55:36,398
If that's achieved, anything's possible.

814
00:55:36,567 --> 00:55:40,276
- The committee are waiting.
- Very well, show them in.

815
00:55:40,447 --> 00:55:44,998
I suppose we could achieve the cuts
in this department,

816
00:55:45,167 --> 00:55:50,321
if the absurd idea of linking
honours to cuts were to be shelved.

817
00:55:52,407 --> 00:55:54,921
- I see.
- Yes...

818
00:55:57,407 --> 00:56:01,002
(HUMPHREY) Thank you, Bernard.
(HACKER) Morning.

819
00:56:01,167 --> 00:56:04,876
Now, minutes of the previous meeting?

820
00:56:05,047 --> 00:56:07,959
Matters arising: Accommodation.

821
00:56:08,127 --> 00:56:09,765
Oh, yes!

822
00:56:09,927 --> 00:56:15,320
I'm happy to be able to tell you
that we have found a 5% cut,

823
00:56:15,487 --> 00:56:17,876
by selling an office in High Wycombe.

824
00:56:18,047 --> 00:56:19,878
- Oh, really?
- Yes.

825
00:56:20,047 --> 00:56:22,083
- Yes, very good.
- Yes.

826
00:56:22,247 --> 00:56:23,646
Stationery acquisition?

827
00:56:23,807 --> 00:56:28,562
We've discovered a new stock control
system to reduce expenditure.

828
00:56:28,727 --> 00:56:33,118
- By how much?
- About 5%, wasn't it?

829
00:56:33,767 --> 00:56:36,565
Excellent! Parks and Forestry?

830
00:56:36,727 --> 00:56:40,766
If we delay the new computers,
we can make a saving.

831
00:56:40,927 --> 00:56:42,804
- By how much?
- Yes...?

832
00:56:42,967 --> 00:56:45,435
- About 5%.
- Yes, about 5%.

833
00:56:45,607 --> 00:56:48,997
- Really?
- That cuts data processing, too.

834
00:56:49,167 --> 00:56:51,761
- By...?
- By...

835
00:56:51,927 --> 00:56:54,316
By about 5%.

836
00:56:54,487 --> 00:56:57,047
- This is most satisfying.
- Yes.

837
00:56:57,207 --> 00:56:59,880
Incidentally, while I think of it,

838
00:57:00,047 --> 00:57:05,679
have you finished with the list
for the honours secretary?

839
00:57:05,847 --> 00:57:08,680
Yes, Humphrey. No problem there.

840
00:57:08,847 --> 00:57:11,236
Bernard will give it to you.

841
00:57:11,407 --> 00:57:15,116
- Thank you, Bernard.
- All right, Humphrey?

842
00:57:15,287 --> 00:57:18,040
Yes, Doctor... er, Minister.

843
00:58:45,486 --> 00:58:49,320
Minister, there's something
in the press you should see.

844
00:58:49,486 --> 00:58:52,796
- About me?
- I'm afraid it's in Private Eye.

845
00:58:52,966 --> 00:58:58,245
- Private Eye?
- Yes... They're exposing something.

846
00:58:59,126 --> 00:59:02,755
Not that character reference
I gave for Dr Savundra?

847
00:59:02,926 --> 00:59:05,963
- That party at Poulson's?
- I didn't know about those.

848
00:59:06,126 --> 00:59:10,517
No, that's the thing they make up
in that squalid little rag!

849
00:59:10,686 --> 00:59:14,474
- What is it?
- Perhaps you'd better read it.

850
00:59:18,406 --> 00:59:20,920
- Good God!
- Frightful, isn't it?

851
00:59:21,926 --> 00:59:25,157
- May I come in, Minister?
- Listen to this.

852
00:59:25,326 --> 00:59:29,239
What's that? Oh, Private Eye? Splendid!

853
00:59:29,406 --> 00:59:32,637
"The saga of the top secret Guthrie Report,

854
00:59:32,806 --> 00:59:37,118
"revealed to the Eye last week,
continues to embarrass Ministers.

855
00:59:37,286 --> 00:59:41,279
"It seems one of the present Cabinet
subjected to phone-tapping,

856
00:59:41,446 --> 00:59:44,722
"bugging and 24-hour surveillance
while in opposition

857
00:59:44,886 --> 00:59:48,196
"was none other than the egregious Jim Hacker."

858
00:59:48,366 --> 00:59:50,834
What's "egregious" mean?

859
00:59:51,006 --> 00:59:53,964
I think it means "outstanding".

860
00:59:54,126 --> 00:59:55,844
Oh...?

861
00:59:56,846 --> 00:59:59,599
In one way or another.

862
00:59:59,766 --> 01:00:05,318
"...Jim Hacker, whose department
administers 23,000 other administrators.

863
01:00:05,486 --> 01:00:09,195
"Ironically, it is egregious Jim's
department that is now responsible

864
01:00:09,366 --> 01:00:13,678
"for supplying all the government's
computerised bugging equipment.

865
01:00:13,846 --> 01:00:19,239
"Presumably, this makes him
the government's chief bugger."

866
01:00:19,406 --> 01:00:20,725
Wonderful!

867
01:00:20,886 --> 01:00:23,161
- Is this true?
- Which, Minister?

868
01:00:23,326 --> 01:00:27,160
That I was under surveillance
and am now responsible for bugging.

869
01:00:27,326 --> 01:00:31,285
Surely, you don't believe what
you read in that squalid little rag.

870
01:00:31,446 --> 01:00:35,359
- Never mind. Is it true?
- Don't take it too seriously.

871
01:00:35,526 --> 01:00:38,882
Well, I do! This says
I was under total surveillance.

872
01:00:39,046 --> 01:00:43,562
An MP and free citizen!
It cuts at the very heart of democracy!

873
01:00:43,726 --> 01:00:46,365
It contravenes human rights.

874
01:00:46,526 --> 01:00:47,879
Oh, yes...

875
01:00:48,046 --> 01:00:52,358
Surveillance is indispensable
in the battle against organised crime.

876
01:00:52,526 --> 01:00:55,916
You're not describing politicians
as organised crime?

877
01:00:56,086 --> 01:00:58,805
Disorganised crime, too, of course!

878
01:00:58,966 --> 01:01:03,562
Humphrey! I once wrote a leader
on this as editor of "Reform"

879
01:01:03,726 --> 01:01:08,083
and started a nationwide petition
against bureaucratic busybodies,

880
01:01:08,246 --> 01:01:10,043
bugging and phone-tapping.

881
01:01:10,206 --> 01:01:14,438
Now I learn from Private Eye,
Humphrey, not from you,

882
01:01:14,606 --> 01:01:17,837
that I'm responsible for it, and you never told me.

883
01:01:18,006 --> 01:01:20,440
You didn't ask.

884
01:01:20,606 --> 01:01:25,555
Thank God for a free press
and for one open, fearless journal!

885
01:01:25,726 --> 01:01:31,596
- You said it was a squalid rag.
- Sharpen up your antennae.

886
01:01:31,766 --> 01:01:35,554
Learn to adapt more flexibly
to a developing situation.

887
01:01:35,726 --> 01:01:37,682
I see. I'm sorry.

888
01:01:37,846 --> 01:01:41,998
Where are the transcripts
of these bugged conversations?

889
01:01:42,166 --> 01:01:44,760
They were put into a report.

890
01:01:44,926 --> 01:01:47,963
- Who got these reports?
- The Home Secretary gets them.

891
01:01:48,126 --> 01:01:50,686
Gets them? Gets them?

892
01:01:50,846 --> 01:01:54,202
Not about you, Minister. Not now.

893
01:01:54,366 --> 01:01:58,405
Now he'll be getting reports
about Her Majesty's opposition.

894
01:01:59,286 --> 01:02:03,359
- Who gives them to him?
- Ml5, presumably.

895
01:02:03,526 --> 01:02:07,041
- You seem very calm about all this.
- Yes, Minister.

896
01:02:07,206 --> 01:02:11,722
I think it's horrifying, a distinguished citizen -

897
01:02:11,886 --> 01:02:16,004
if I may say so, an extremely
distinguished British citizen -

898
01:02:16,166 --> 01:02:19,158
who's given his life's service to his country,

899
01:02:19,326 --> 01:02:23,160
finds these faceless bureaucrats
have listened to his every word.

900
01:02:23,326 --> 01:02:28,195
All his phone calls.
His rows with his wife and daughter.

901
01:02:28,366 --> 01:02:31,802
His private arrangements
with his accountant! Not that I...!

902
01:02:31,966 --> 01:02:34,639
- No, quite so.
- Well, why, Humphrey?

903
01:02:34,806 --> 01:02:37,684
- Why surveillance or why you?
- Both!

904
01:02:37,846 --> 01:02:41,759
- It's the same answer.
- Why split it into two questions?

905
01:02:41,926 --> 01:02:45,680
I didn't want to risk answering
a question you weren't asking.

906
01:02:45,846 --> 01:02:48,918
I'm asking you now.
Why was I under surveillance?

907
01:02:49,086 --> 01:02:51,646
It's perfectly obvious. Do you mind?

908
01:02:51,806 --> 01:02:57,164
Before the election, it was rumoured you'd be
appointed Defence Secretary.

909
01:02:57,326 --> 01:02:58,645
So?

910
01:02:58,806 --> 01:03:03,277
If the PM was giving you defence,
in the national interest,

911
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:08,201
that Ml5 must be satisfied
you weren't a security risk.

912
01:03:08,366 --> 01:03:12,644
- My privacy was invaded!
- Better than your country, Minister.

913
01:03:14,086 --> 01:03:16,759
Have you ever been under surveillance?

914
01:03:16,926 --> 01:03:19,759
- Me, Minister?!
- You.

915
01:03:19,926 --> 01:03:22,724
I'm a civil servant!

916
01:03:23,446 --> 01:03:25,880
So were Burgess and MacLean.

917
01:03:26,046 --> 01:03:28,765
- Oh, well...
- And Philby!

918
01:03:28,926 --> 01:03:31,156
They weren't Permanent Secretaries.

919
01:03:31,646 --> 01:03:37,243
One becomes a Permanent Secretary
after a life of reliability and integrity.

920
01:03:37,406 --> 01:03:41,115
The rigorous selection procedures winnow out all

921
01:03:41,286 --> 01:03:44,756
but the most upright
and honourable public servants.

922
01:03:44,926 --> 01:03:50,000
- And what about Ministers?
- They have many dazzling qualities!

923
01:03:50,166 --> 01:03:52,919
Including...?

924
01:03:55,366 --> 01:04:01,077
Enviable intellectual suppleness
and moral manoeuvrability.

925
01:04:01,246 --> 01:04:03,476
What are you trying to say?

926
01:04:03,646 --> 01:04:07,719
You can't trust them! Not you, of course, Minister.

927
01:04:07,886 --> 01:04:11,640
Ministers, unlike civil servants,
are selected at random

928
01:04:11,806 --> 01:04:14,604
by prime ministerial whim,

929
01:04:14,766 --> 01:04:18,441
in recognition of dubious services rendered,

930
01:04:18,606 --> 01:04:22,440
or to avoid appointing someone of real ability.

931
01:04:23,766 --> 01:04:27,315
Not you, Minister! You certainly are to be trusted.

932
01:04:27,486 --> 01:04:32,241
You might almost be a civil servant yourself!

933
01:04:32,406 --> 01:04:35,398
- Is that a compliment?
- Indeed. The ultimate compliment.

934
01:04:37,406 --> 01:04:40,079
Would you trust every Cabinet colleague

935
01:04:40,246 --> 01:04:42,840
never to betray a confidence?

936
01:04:44,006 --> 01:04:48,318
- And all the opposition front bench?
- You must be joking!

937
01:04:48,486 --> 01:04:51,159
You were in the opposition at the time.

938
01:04:51,326 --> 01:04:55,319
Be that as it may,
I have decided I'm going to stop it.

939
01:04:55,486 --> 01:05:01,197
- But this is a Home Office matter.
- Nevertheless, I'll make it harder.

940
01:05:01,366 --> 01:05:05,996
If I'm responsible for bugging,
I want some democratic safeguards.

941
01:05:06,166 --> 01:05:11,194
Are you about to suggest that people
won't be put under surveillance

942
01:05:11,366 --> 01:05:15,279
until they've signed a form agreeing to it?

943
01:05:15,446 --> 01:05:21,078
No, we'll have a select committee
to vet every application,

944
01:05:21,566 --> 01:05:26,401
and no surveillance to last over two
weeks without a further application.

945
01:05:26,566 --> 01:05:30,798
Will you set the wheels in motion,
please, Humphrey?

946
01:05:30,966 --> 01:05:32,957
Very well, Minister.

947
01:05:35,086 --> 01:05:38,396
Bernard, send a minute to each Cabinet member.

948
01:05:38,566 --> 01:05:42,275
I'll plant a question for a backbencher to ask.

949
01:05:42,446 --> 01:05:47,520
"Can you assure us no colleagues
have ever been under surveillance?"

950
01:05:47,686 --> 01:05:51,315
- That should shake him.
- It certainly will.

951
01:05:51,486 --> 01:05:55,559
Ask Walter Fowler of the Express
to meet me for a drink.

952
01:05:55,726 --> 01:05:59,355
- What for, Minister?
- First law of political indiscretion:

953
01:05:59,526 --> 01:06:02,757
Always have a drink before you leak.

954
01:06:11,766 --> 01:06:14,644
- Will it make a story?
- Yes.

955
01:06:14,806 --> 01:06:18,765
"Minister fights
for phone-tap safeguard." Yes!

956
01:06:18,926 --> 01:06:24,284
- Where will they run it?
- High up on the home news page.

957
01:06:24,446 --> 01:06:28,359
- Not on page one?
- Can I attribute it?

958
01:06:28,526 --> 01:06:31,563
- "Minister speaks out"?
- No, no, no.

959
01:06:31,726 --> 01:06:37,119
Then, where did I get the story?
I can't say, "Officially announced."

960
01:06:37,286 --> 01:06:39,925
"Government spokesman"?

961
01:06:41,806 --> 01:06:44,525
How about, "Sources close to Minister"?

962
01:06:44,686 --> 01:06:49,043
Hold on, I don't want everybody
to know I told you!

963
01:06:49,206 --> 01:06:52,596
Couldn't you do, "Speculation
is growing in Westminster"?

964
01:06:52,766 --> 01:06:54,757
A bit weak.

965
01:06:55,846 --> 01:06:57,484
"Unofficial spokesman"?

966
01:06:57,646 --> 01:07:00,683
Used that twice this week already!

967
01:07:00,846 --> 01:07:04,395
The Cabinet's leaking like a sieve, isn't it?

968
01:07:05,766 --> 01:07:10,635
Couldn't we attribute it to a leading
member of the sieve... Cabinet?

969
01:07:10,806 --> 01:07:12,444
No...

970
01:07:14,246 --> 01:07:18,478
How would you like to be "an informed source"?

971
01:07:18,646 --> 01:07:21,285
OK. "Informed source."

972
01:07:21,446 --> 01:07:25,485
Quite a joke, isn't it,
describing someone as "informed"

973
01:07:25,646 --> 01:07:29,639
when his Permanent Secretary
is Sir Humphrey Appleby?!

974
01:07:35,326 --> 01:07:40,275
Everything we said on the phone,
recorded and transcribed.

975
01:07:40,446 --> 01:07:43,961
- It's humiliating!
- It is a little humiliating.

976
01:07:44,126 --> 01:07:48,916
That Ml5 know you talk at home
the same as you talk in public.

977
01:07:49,086 --> 01:07:54,524
The gross national product, borrowing
requirements, draft agendas...

978
01:07:54,686 --> 01:07:58,235
I didn't mean that! I meant our private talk.

979
01:07:58,406 --> 01:08:01,443
I hadn't thought of that..."Got the car keys?"

980
01:08:01,606 --> 01:08:06,521
"I thought you had them!"
That'll bring the government down!

981
01:08:06,686 --> 01:08:10,474
- You're not taking it seriously.
- What gives you that idea?

982
01:08:10,646 --> 01:08:14,798
They might've heard what we said... in bed!

983
01:08:15,646 --> 01:08:18,922
Why? Do you snore in code?

984
01:08:20,046 --> 01:08:23,959
- You trying to tell me something?
- Since you ask,

985
01:08:24,126 --> 01:08:28,438
why don't we go away
for the weekend like we used to?

986
01:08:28,606 --> 01:08:31,040
Yes. Why not? What the hell!

987
01:08:31,206 --> 01:08:33,959
- Let's go to Kingsbury Down.
- Where?

988
01:08:34,126 --> 01:08:37,914
Only where we spent our honeymoon, darling!

989
01:08:38,086 --> 01:08:39,405
Yes...

990
01:08:39,566 --> 01:08:41,682
Where you first explained to me

991
01:08:41,846 --> 01:08:47,876
the effect of velocity of circulation
on the net growth of money supply.

992
01:08:48,046 --> 01:08:50,435
Yeah... I remember.

993
01:08:50,606 --> 01:08:53,404
Did you get that, boys?

994
01:08:56,446 --> 01:08:59,916
The Minister... on a death list?

995
01:09:00,086 --> 01:09:03,840
Well, who are the International Freedom Army?

996
01:09:04,006 --> 01:09:08,045
- We do not, as yet, know.
- Why assassinate the Minister?

997
01:09:08,206 --> 01:09:10,197
He's so harmless!

998
01:09:11,406 --> 01:09:14,716
Nevertheless, we cannot risk the Minister's life.

999
01:09:14,886 --> 01:09:17,798
- No. That means the full...?
- Quite!

1000
01:09:19,206 --> 01:09:22,881
- Morning, Minister!
- Morning, Minister, how are you?

1001
01:09:23,046 --> 01:09:27,756
- Sorry I'm late. Didn't sleep well.
- Sorry to hear that.

1002
01:09:27,926 --> 01:09:30,281
Actually, I feel like death.

1003
01:09:31,926 --> 01:09:34,724
Perhaps that's just as well.

1004
01:09:38,046 --> 01:09:40,879
- See this morning's Express?
- Indeed.

1005
01:09:41,046 --> 01:09:45,244
- "Minister acts to curb phone taps."
- Wonder where they got that.

1006
01:09:45,726 --> 01:09:48,604
A leak, I suppose. Terrible, isn't it?

1007
01:09:48,766 --> 01:09:50,085
Terrible.

1008
01:09:50,246 --> 01:09:51,395
It only reaffirms my determination to act.

1009
01:09:54,046 --> 01:09:57,561
Are you sure you've considered
all the implications?

1010
01:09:58,086 --> 01:10:00,475
Yes. Free citizens have a right to privacy.

1011
01:10:00,646 --> 01:10:05,674
But suppose Ml5 had reason
to believe these free citizens were,

1012
01:10:05,846 --> 01:10:08,963
to take a purely hypothetical example,

1013
01:10:09,126 --> 01:10:11,435
planning to assassinate a Minister?

1014
01:10:12,166 --> 01:10:16,603
The freedom of the British people
is worth more than a Minister's life.

1015
01:10:16,766 --> 01:10:18,722
Freedom is indivisible.

1016
01:10:18,886 --> 01:10:21,525
Ministers are expendable.

1017
01:10:22,326 --> 01:10:28,242
A man in public life must expect
to be the target of cranks and fanatics.

1018
01:10:28,406 --> 01:10:33,082
It is a Minister's duty to set his life at naught.

1019
01:10:33,246 --> 01:10:38,479
He must be able to stand up and say,
"Here I am! Do your worst!"

1020
01:10:39,406 --> 01:10:42,364
And not cower in craven terror

1021
01:10:42,526 --> 01:10:45,165
behind electronic equipment,

1022
01:10:45,326 --> 01:10:47,203
secret microphones

1023
01:10:47,366 --> 01:10:53,475
and all the hideous apparatus...
of the police state.

1024
01:10:53,846 --> 01:10:56,918
- Ahem...
- I don't want to hear about it.

1025
01:10:57,086 --> 01:11:00,396
I must say one more thing on this matter.

1026
01:11:00,566 --> 01:11:02,363
Very well. Be brief.

1027
01:11:02,526 --> 01:11:05,677
Special Branch have found
your name on a death list.

1028
01:11:05,846 --> 01:11:08,406
That has no bearing on the situation.

1029
01:11:08,566 --> 01:11:10,204
What?!

1030
01:11:11,486 --> 01:11:16,401
Special Branch have found
your name on a death list.

1031
01:11:16,566 --> 01:11:19,797
- A death list...?
- An assassination.

1032
01:11:19,966 --> 01:11:24,323
I know what you mean by death list,
but what do you mean?

1033
01:11:25,446 --> 01:11:29,803
I don't think I can put it
any more clearly, Minister.

1034
01:11:29,966 --> 01:11:32,196
To put it absolutely bluntly,

1035
01:11:32,366 --> 01:11:35,836
investigations have proved
the existence of documents

1036
01:11:36,006 --> 01:11:38,281
whose provenance is unestablished

1037
01:11:38,446 --> 01:11:41,961
but whose effect would be
to precipitate a bye-election.

1038
01:11:42,126 --> 01:11:44,356
What do you mean?

1039
01:11:44,526 --> 01:11:47,199
You're on a death list, Minister.

1040
01:11:47,366 --> 01:11:48,958
Who and why?

1041
01:11:49,126 --> 01:11:53,005
The International Freedom Army,
a new urban guerrilla group.

1042
01:11:53,166 --> 01:11:57,045
- What've they got against me?
- As you may recall,

1043
01:11:57,206 --> 01:11:59,959
there have been rumours of a Cabinet reshuffle,

1044
01:12:00,126 --> 01:12:04,756
and your name was linked
with the Ministry of Defence.

1045
01:12:04,926 --> 01:12:09,317
- Who can they be?
- An Irish splinter group?

1046
01:12:09,486 --> 01:12:15,322
Baader-Meinhof, PLO or Black
September or home-grown loonies!

1047
01:12:15,486 --> 01:12:17,920
Anarchists, Maoists, Libyans,

1048
01:12:18,086 --> 01:12:21,601
Iranians or the Italian Red Brigade,
for all we know.

1049
01:12:21,766 --> 01:12:27,443
But they're all connected, so it could be
a new group of freelance killers.

1050
01:12:28,646 --> 01:12:31,240
Special Branch don't know where to start.

1051
01:12:31,406 --> 01:12:35,240
- The list isn't just me?
- Not just you, Minister.

1052
01:12:35,406 --> 01:12:38,443
- There must be hundreds on...
- Just three.

1053
01:12:39,806 --> 01:12:41,797
Just three.

1054
01:12:41,966 --> 01:12:43,524
(BUZZER)

1055
01:12:43,686 --> 01:12:47,156
Yes? Commander Forest of Special Branch.

1056
01:12:47,326 --> 01:12:48,839
- Shall I...?
- Please do.

1057
01:12:49,006 --> 01:12:53,363
The Home Secretary wants
detectives to protect you.

1058
01:12:53,526 --> 01:12:56,165
- This man will inform you.
- Detectives?!

1059
01:12:56,326 --> 01:12:58,999
They can't protect you
against the assassin's bullet!

1060
01:12:59,166 --> 01:13:04,923
Certainly not, but they can determine
the assassin is brought to trial.

1061
01:13:05,086 --> 01:13:10,001
After the victim has been gunned down, of course.

1062
01:13:10,566 --> 01:13:13,399
Commander Forest of Special Branch.

1063
01:13:13,566 --> 01:13:15,796
- Morning, Commander.
- Morning, sir.

1064
01:13:15,966 --> 01:13:17,638
- Sit down.
- Thank you.

1065
01:13:17,806 --> 01:13:21,355
You've been told about this list, sir?

1066
01:13:21,526 --> 01:13:24,836
List? What list? Oh, list, yes.

1067
01:13:25,006 --> 01:13:28,078
I'll brief you on the standard
hazards and precautions.

1068
01:13:28,246 --> 01:13:32,034
- Thank you, Bernard.
- Do I have to take it seriously?

1069
01:13:32,206 --> 01:13:35,243
In a sense, that's up to you. We advise...

1070
01:13:35,406 --> 01:13:40,719
Most people might be in a frightful funk,
but it's all in a day's work!

1071
01:13:40,886 --> 01:13:44,083
- I admire your courage, sir.
- Thank you.

1072
01:13:44,246 --> 01:13:45,599
Right, well...

1073
01:13:45,766 --> 01:13:47,563
Shoot. I mean...!

1074
01:13:48,926 --> 01:13:51,998
Assassination hazards fall into four categories:

1075
01:13:52,166 --> 01:13:56,921
Bullets, bombs, poisons
and so-called accidents.

1076
01:13:57,086 --> 01:13:59,964
There's also gassing,
throttling, stabbing, drowning,

1077
01:14:00,126 --> 01:14:05,325
garrotting and ritual disembowelling,
but they are uncommon in the UK.

1078
01:14:05,486 --> 01:14:08,205
- All right, then.
- Start with bullets.

1079
01:14:08,366 --> 01:14:11,881
There's your assassin
on a tall building or in a car,

1080
01:14:12,046 --> 01:14:14,435
your killer in a crowd and phut!

1081
01:14:15,086 --> 01:14:18,522
There's the unexpected house caller,
your marksman in a van,

1082
01:14:18,686 --> 01:14:21,075
and the revolver through your car window.

1083
01:14:21,246 --> 01:14:25,239
So avoid crowds
and keep away from windows.

1084
01:14:28,566 --> 01:14:35,039
Commander, could I suggest
bullet-proof curtains for the office?

1085
01:14:35,206 --> 01:14:38,562
- Bullet-proof!
- By lunchtime, sir.

1086
01:14:38,726 --> 01:14:42,719
We'll fit them in your London flat
when we do the place over.

1087
01:14:42,886 --> 01:14:46,276
- Do it over?
- The usual locks, security alarms.

1088
01:14:46,446 --> 01:14:49,916
24-hour patrols by local staff, phone taps.

1089
01:14:50,086 --> 01:14:51,838
Just the usual?!

1090
01:14:52,006 --> 01:14:54,725
You'll have bodyguards round the clock.

1091
01:14:54,886 --> 01:14:59,801
Never answer your door in person
and keep car windows locked.

1092
01:14:59,966 --> 01:15:02,526
Never draw up by the pavement at lights.

1093
01:15:02,686 --> 01:15:05,519
You don't want a terrorist to jump in!

1094
01:15:05,686 --> 01:15:07,358
- No.
- Course not!

1095
01:15:07,526 --> 01:15:13,442
If he draws his car in front of yours,
ram the axle and sweep it aside,

1096
01:15:15,126 --> 01:15:19,597
Bombs! Car bombs you know,
but never open letters.

1097
01:15:19,766 --> 01:15:22,485
For the time being, we'll re-direct them.

1098
01:15:22,646 --> 01:15:27,845
Now, poisons... Be suspicious
of gifts of food, chocolates.

1099
01:15:28,006 --> 01:15:31,794
Check the milk bottle caps
every morning for hypodermic holes.

1100
01:15:31,966 --> 01:15:35,925
Don't forget the poisoned umbrella
jabbed into the calf.

1101
01:15:39,206 --> 01:15:40,958
Now... accidents.

1102
01:15:41,126 --> 01:15:45,438
Never walk along the edge
of pavements, rivers, railway platforms.

1103
01:15:45,606 --> 01:15:48,757
We don't want to make it too easy for them.

1104
01:15:48,926 --> 01:15:52,362
Especially the electric railway -
so avoid the Tube.

1105
01:15:52,526 --> 01:15:55,199
Electrocution... another favourite.

1106
01:15:55,366 --> 01:16:01,521
A little tinkering with the telly,
toaster, electric blanket and Bob's your uncle!

1107
01:16:01,686 --> 01:16:04,359
Your late uncle.

1108
01:16:07,166 --> 01:16:09,919
They have to be checked. Any questions?

1109
01:16:13,446 --> 01:16:18,998
Good! Here's your list of standard
safety precautions.

1110
01:16:19,166 --> 01:16:22,681
- I'll be in touch.
- Thank you, Commander.

1111
01:16:25,166 --> 01:16:28,602
If you're pushed out of a window
with railings underneath,

1112
01:16:28,766 --> 01:16:31,326
try and land on your head.

1113
01:16:31,486 --> 01:16:33,363
Quicker!

1114
01:16:38,046 --> 01:16:43,245
Humphrey... how do we find
these terrorists before they find me?

1115
01:16:43,406 --> 01:16:49,117
Phone tapping and surveillance
of suspects is the best way,

1116
01:16:49,286 --> 01:16:54,041
but it does incur intolerable
intrusion on individual privacy.

1117
01:17:00,566 --> 01:17:02,522
On the other hand...

1118
01:17:02,686 --> 01:17:07,282
the people's representatives
must represent the people.

1119
01:17:07,446 --> 01:17:11,405
Any threat to them is a threat
against democracy, isn't it?

1120
01:17:13,166 --> 01:17:15,157
How?

1121
01:17:15,806 --> 01:17:18,479
These threats constitute

1122
01:17:18,646 --> 01:17:22,844
an attack on the people's
inalienable democratic right

1123
01:17:23,006 --> 01:17:28,558
to have leaders of their choice, who must
be protected by every possible means,

1124
01:17:28,726 --> 01:17:32,605
no matter how much we might regret
the necessity for doing so.

1125
01:17:32,766 --> 01:17:35,917
Beautifully argued, Minister. My view exactly.

1126
01:17:36,086 --> 01:17:39,078
Or else you're a dead duck.

1127
01:17:39,646 --> 01:17:41,557
Good God! What's that?

1128
01:17:41,726 --> 01:17:43,956
- The petition's arrived.
- Petition?

1129
01:17:44,126 --> 01:17:46,845
Against phone tapping and surveillance.

1130
01:17:47,006 --> 01:17:51,124
The one you started in opposition.
2.25 million signatures.

1131
01:17:51,286 --> 01:17:53,117
But we need surveillance!

1132
01:17:53,286 --> 01:17:56,483
It's an essential weapon
in our fight against crime, right?

1133
01:17:56,646 --> 01:17:59,399
I couldn't have put it better myself.

1134
01:17:59,566 --> 01:18:05,163
- I see. Shall I file it?
- Shred it! No one must find it.

1135
01:18:05,326 --> 01:18:08,716
In that case, I think it's best I file it.

1136
01:18:38,246 --> 01:18:41,283
Great way to spend a second honeymoon!

1137
01:18:41,446 --> 01:18:42,765
Table for...?

1138
01:18:42,926 --> 01:18:44,359
- Eight!
- Two.

1139
01:18:44,526 --> 01:18:47,518
I've a nice table by the window.

1140
01:18:47,686 --> 01:18:50,120
- We've chosen the target's table.
- Target?

1141
01:18:50,286 --> 01:18:53,642
Sorry, Minister. Over there by the kitchen door.

1142
01:18:58,366 --> 01:19:00,243
You sit here, sir.

1143
01:19:00,406 --> 01:19:04,797
Constable Ross will be watching
the kitchen door, your escape route.

1144
01:19:04,966 --> 01:19:09,881
We're not expecting assassins here,
since we only booked this morning.

1145
01:19:10,046 --> 01:19:16,235
I'll sit by the window.
If you hear gunshots, get under the table.

1146
01:19:16,406 --> 01:19:18,761
I'm not really worried.

1147
01:19:21,806 --> 01:19:23,762
(POP!)

1148
01:19:25,926 --> 01:19:29,555
It was just a champagne cork, darling.

1149
01:19:30,446 --> 01:19:32,437
Just practising.

1150
01:19:34,126 --> 01:19:36,765
(DETECTIVE) I'll have spaghetti bolognaise,

1151
01:19:36,926 --> 01:19:42,796
then T-bone steak, peas,
beans, cauliflower and chips,

1152
01:19:42,966 --> 01:19:47,960
and a bottle of Ch�teau
Baron Philippe de Rothschild 1961.

1153
01:19:49,646 --> 01:19:52,240
Takes it out of you, this job.

1154
01:19:57,006 --> 01:19:59,076
- Beautiful, isn't it?
- Beautiful.

1155
01:19:59,246 --> 01:20:01,476
Quiet and peaceful.

1156
01:20:01,646 --> 01:20:03,762
Lovely to get away from it all.

1157
01:20:03,926 --> 01:20:05,917
Lovely.

1158
01:20:15,846 --> 01:20:18,076
- This all right for you?
- Lovely.

1159
01:20:18,246 --> 01:20:21,044
Not James Bond? I thought it was "Belle du Jour".

1160
01:20:21,206 --> 01:20:25,199
Yes, but they didn't want to see a foreign film.

1161
01:20:33,646 --> 01:20:35,637
(OMINOUS MUSIC)

1162
01:20:46,086 --> 01:20:48,077
(MUSIC BUILDS)

1163
01:21:03,966 --> 01:21:05,285
(GUNSHOT)

1164
01:21:10,126 --> 01:21:12,117
I can't stand this.

1165
01:21:22,366 --> 01:21:26,757
- Target in there now?
- Yeah, with his wife.

1166
01:21:26,926 --> 01:21:30,601
- They going out again?
- Nah, turned in for the night.

1167
01:21:30,766 --> 01:21:34,395
They don't seem to be enjoying the holiday.

1168
01:21:34,566 --> 01:21:36,557
Wonder why...?

1169
01:21:37,326 --> 01:21:39,521
I can't sleep here.

1170
01:21:39,686 --> 01:21:41,483
I'm going home.

1171
01:21:44,406 --> 01:21:46,874
What the hell's all this?

1172
01:21:47,046 --> 01:21:51,039
(DETECTIVE) Local force, sir,
showing they're doing their bit.

1173
01:22:03,446 --> 01:22:04,765
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

1174
01:22:05,166 --> 01:22:07,805
Come in. Oh, you're in!

1175
01:22:07,966 --> 01:22:11,242
- May I just check the windows?
- Go ahead.

1176
01:22:16,566 --> 01:22:18,682
Thank you. Goodnight, sir.

1177
01:22:18,846 --> 01:22:20,643
Sleep well.

1178
01:22:22,566 --> 01:22:26,479
Don't worry, darling. You'll get used
to being a famous man's wife.

1179
01:22:26,646 --> 01:22:28,045
I hope so.

1180
01:22:28,206 --> 01:22:31,881
I don't want to be a famous man's widow!

1181
01:22:33,126 --> 01:22:35,196
But... I don't follow.

1182
01:22:35,366 --> 01:22:37,755
You want to stop phone tapping,

1183
01:22:37,926 --> 01:22:43,239
you get this petition of 2.25 million
signatures to boost your case,

1184
01:22:43,406 --> 01:22:47,319
and you won't even give me
a quote saying you welcome it.

1185
01:22:49,686 --> 01:22:52,484
A promise to implement
its recommendations?

1186
01:22:52,646 --> 01:22:55,240
- It's not that simple.
- Why not?

1187
01:22:55,406 --> 01:23:00,161
- There are security implications.
- There always were.

1188
01:23:02,806 --> 01:23:07,880
OK, I'll make an even bigger story:
"Minister rejects his own petition."

1189
01:23:08,046 --> 01:23:10,002
Now, hold on! I...

1190
01:23:10,166 --> 01:23:13,158
Are you accepting it or rejecting it?

1191
01:23:14,286 --> 01:23:16,038
No.

1192
01:23:18,326 --> 01:23:25,118
My editor asks if being on this death list
has altered your views on phone tapping.

1193
01:23:25,766 --> 01:23:28,519
Heavens! What an extraordinary idea!

1194
01:23:28,686 --> 01:23:32,725
- So why this change of tune?
- No change of tune.

1195
01:23:32,886 --> 01:23:34,205
(KNOCK)

1196
01:23:34,366 --> 01:23:38,962
- Can Sir Humphrey see you?
- Humphrey! What can I do for you?

1197
01:23:39,126 --> 01:23:41,720
- Excuse us.
- Won't be a minute.

1198
01:23:41,886 --> 01:23:43,604
I'll wait out there.

1199
01:23:43,766 --> 01:23:45,085
Good weekend?

1200
01:23:45,246 --> 01:23:48,443
Marvellous.
Me, Annie and half of Special Branch.

1201
01:23:48,606 --> 01:23:53,316
- Rozzers with guns. Unforgettable!
- The burdens of office!

1202
01:23:53,486 --> 01:23:57,923
- This can't go on.
- You said it! It isn't going to.

1203
01:23:58,086 --> 01:24:01,237
Special Branch is withdrawing your protection.

1204
01:24:01,406 --> 01:24:05,558
Wait a minute! I didn't mean... Why?

1205
01:24:06,326 --> 01:24:10,558
They've suffered an acute
personnel establishment shortfall.

1206
01:24:10,726 --> 01:24:14,355
- They're what?
- Short-staffed. No more protection.

1207
01:24:14,526 --> 01:24:16,039
Short-staffed?!

1208
01:24:16,206 --> 01:24:21,121
There's a more dangerous threat
to the Soviet premier at Chequers.

1209
01:24:21,286 --> 01:24:24,517
- But he's Russian, I'm British!
- In fact,

1210
01:24:24,686 --> 01:24:28,998
Special Branch believe the threat
to your life has diminished.

1211
01:24:29,166 --> 01:24:30,918
How do they know?

1212
01:24:31,086 --> 01:24:33,680
Surveillance of a conversation.

1213
01:24:33,846 --> 01:24:36,918
- What did it say?
- It's of no...

1214
01:24:37,086 --> 01:24:38,758
I've a right to know.

1215
01:24:38,926 --> 01:24:41,520
Well, it was to the effect that,

1216
01:24:41,686 --> 01:24:45,645
in view of the nebulous
and inexplicit nature of your remit,

1217
01:24:45,806 --> 01:24:51,483
the arguably marginal and peripheral
nature of your influence on decisions

1218
01:24:51,646 --> 01:24:53,716
within the political process,

1219
01:24:53,886 --> 01:24:57,162
there could be a case
for restructuring their action priorities

1220
01:24:57,326 --> 01:25:02,320
so as to eliminate your liquidation
from their immediate agenda.

1221
01:25:03,846 --> 01:25:06,041
They said that?

1222
01:25:06,206 --> 01:25:08,720
That was the gist of it.

1223
01:25:10,446 --> 01:25:12,482
What's it mean in English?

1224
01:25:12,646 --> 01:25:19,040
Well, it means that they don't think
you're really important enough

1225
01:25:19,206 --> 01:25:22,278
for it to be worth assassinating you.

1226
01:25:30,926 --> 01:25:32,245
Oh!

1227
01:25:33,086 --> 01:25:37,398
- I don't agree, of course.
- You mean...?

1228
01:25:37,566 --> 01:25:39,397
What?

1229
01:25:39,566 --> 01:25:42,922
- They should assassinate me?
- No, no, no!

1230
01:25:43,086 --> 01:25:46,840
- I'm not important enough?
- No, no...

1231
01:25:47,006 --> 01:25:49,520
I mean you are important enough,

1232
01:25:49,686 --> 01:25:52,962
but they shouldn't assassinate you anyway.

1233
01:25:53,966 --> 01:25:57,720
That's marvellous. Not that I was ever worried.

1234
01:25:57,886 --> 01:25:59,604
(KNOCK)

1235
01:25:59,926 --> 01:26:01,723
Mr Fowler's waiting.

1236
01:26:01,886 --> 01:26:04,320
Yes, bring him in.

1237
01:26:04,486 --> 01:26:08,320
Have we still got that petition?
If so, show Mr Fowler.

1238
01:26:08,486 --> 01:26:13,355
- The petition? But you said...
- Yes, I did, but bring it in.

1239
01:26:14,526 --> 01:26:17,962
- Antennae, Bernard.
- Yes! Yes, indeed.

1240
01:26:18,126 --> 01:26:21,198
- The petition you were pleased...?
- That's right.

1241
01:26:21,366 --> 01:26:23,243
God!

1242
01:26:24,166 --> 01:26:27,522
- The paper must have an answer.
- Of course.

1243
01:26:27,686 --> 01:26:30,883
I want you to know
I welcome this petition warmly!

1244
01:26:31,046 --> 01:26:36,404
It's not just the sort of thing
you can sweep under the carpet.

1245
01:26:36,566 --> 01:26:40,115
As for death lists, well, Ministers are dispensable,

1246
01:26:40,286 --> 01:26:43,562
but freedom is indivisible, right, Humphrey?

1247
01:26:43,726 --> 01:26:45,717
Yes, Minister.

1248
01:28:11,580 --> 01:28:14,219
Humphrey, what are you havering about?

1249
01:28:14,380 --> 01:28:17,850
I'm simply saying we can't take
the Minister's approval for granted.

1250
01:28:18,020 --> 01:28:20,614
The Italian government
have offered a massive contract

1251
01:28:20,780 --> 01:28:24,056
to manufacture propanol
at our Merseyside plant,

1252
01:28:24,220 --> 01:28:28,532
which means saving a plant
we were going to have to close,

1253
01:28:28,700 --> 01:28:32,488
saving jobs, earning export royalties.

1254
01:28:32,660 --> 01:28:36,892
- He has to give us the go-ahead.
- But if the Minister thinks...

1255
01:28:37,060 --> 01:28:38,732
Ministers don't think!

1256
01:28:40,740 --> 01:28:42,651
Don't talk to me about Ministers.

1257
01:28:42,820 --> 01:28:46,369
I've been chairman of British
Chemical Corporation for ten years,

1258
01:28:46,540 --> 01:28:50,169
and in that time dealt
with nineteen different Ministers.

1259
01:28:50,340 --> 01:28:52,774
They've usually not had time to see me,

1260
01:28:52,940 --> 01:28:57,889
because they're too busy bribing
Trade Union leaders not to strike.

1261
01:28:58,060 --> 01:29:01,211
- They've never bribed anybody.
- Oh, no?

1262
01:29:01,380 --> 01:29:04,850
"Have a quango, Tom;
a knighthood, Dick; a peerage, Harry."

1263
01:29:05,020 --> 01:29:08,695
- But the Minister's worried...
- Of course he's worried!

1264
01:29:08,860 --> 01:29:13,980
If I'd never done anything to worry
those vote-grabbing baby-kissing jellies,

1265
01:29:14,140 --> 01:29:16,608
we'd have gone down the tube years ago!

1266
01:29:16,780 --> 01:29:20,739
- But propanol contains metadioxin.
- So what?

1267
01:29:20,900 --> 01:29:24,654
Dioxin was released at Seveso.
It can damage the foetus.

1268
01:29:24,820 --> 01:29:29,098
That's dioxin, for Christ's sake!
Metadioxin is an inert compound.

1269
01:29:29,260 --> 01:29:32,536
It's been given a clean bill
of health by Washington.

1270
01:29:32,700 --> 01:29:35,976
The Henderson Committee,
which you set up, will give it the OK, too.

1271
01:29:36,140 --> 01:29:39,974
I know, Wally, but the name
could be politically sensitive.

1272
01:29:40,140 --> 01:29:42,973
But I've taken metadioxin out of the proposal.

1273
01:29:43,140 --> 01:29:45,574
- I call it propanol.
- Very wise of you.

1274
01:29:45,740 --> 01:29:49,130
- You told me to.
- Very wise of me!

1275
01:29:49,300 --> 01:29:55,136
But the Minister may raise
no objections, it just needs tact.

1276
01:29:55,300 --> 01:29:58,815
Fine. In that case, there's no problem.

1277
01:29:58,980 --> 01:30:04,737
I'll have a tactful word with Hacker
and persuade the blancmange myself.

1278
01:30:05,340 --> 01:30:08,571
Don't take this amiss, Wally,

1279
01:30:08,740 --> 01:30:14,690
but I might just be able to manage
without your unique... brand of tact.

1280
01:30:16,180 --> 01:30:19,058
- This is wonderful news, Humphrey.
- Yes, Minister.

1281
01:30:19,220 --> 01:30:24,692
We turn a run-down plant from
loss-maker into a profitable unit,

1282
01:30:24,860 --> 01:30:27,693
the largest manufacturer of propanol in Europe.

1283
01:30:27,860 --> 01:30:31,489
- Yes, Minister.
- Equipment made in UK factories.

1284
01:30:31,660 --> 01:30:35,573
Income for the local authorities,
foreign exchange from exports.

1285
01:30:35,740 --> 01:30:37,970
- Too good to be true!
- It is true.

1286
01:30:38,140 --> 01:30:42,292
Good old propanol... What is propanol, actually?

1287
01:30:42,860 --> 01:30:47,251
It used to be made with dioxin
until the Seveso explosion,

1288
01:30:47,420 --> 01:30:52,050
then they developed a safe compound,
metadioxin.

1289
01:30:52,220 --> 01:30:56,771
The Italian factory is sealed off
so they've asked the BCC to make it.

1290
01:30:56,940 --> 01:30:59,170
- An ill wind.
- Quite so.

1291
01:30:59,340 --> 01:31:02,616
- But this stuff is perfectly safe?
- Perfectly.

1292
01:31:02,780 --> 01:31:07,171
Weak Ministers might have doubts
over the similarity of the names,

1293
01:31:07,340 --> 01:31:11,856
but no one with any backbone would
be deflected from such a beneficial project

1294
01:31:12,020 --> 01:31:14,250
on such a useless pretext.

1295
01:31:14,460 --> 01:31:18,055
I know just the sort of Minister
you mean. Political jellyfish.

1296
01:31:18,220 --> 01:31:21,053
Terrified of taking any decision.

1297
01:31:21,220 --> 01:31:24,212
After all, every decision
upsets someone, doesn't it?

1298
01:31:24,380 --> 01:31:28,498
Good government is doing
what's right, not just what's popular.

1299
01:31:28,660 --> 01:31:31,493
- Absolutely, Minister.
- But this will be popular?

1300
01:31:31,660 --> 01:31:35,335
- Very popular.
- Humphrey, I want to be sure.

1301
01:31:35,500 --> 01:31:40,255
You not asking me to make
a courageous decision, are you?

1302
01:31:40,420 --> 01:31:42,536
Of course not, Minister.

1303
01:31:42,700 --> 01:31:45,737
Good, good. Should I take it to Cabinet?

1304
01:31:45,900 --> 01:31:48,573
- I think the less said, the better.
- Why?

1305
01:31:48,740 --> 01:31:51,174
Although metadioxin is totally harmless,

1306
01:31:51,340 --> 01:31:54,650
the name may cause anxiety in ignorant minds.

1307
01:31:54,820 --> 01:31:58,529
Humphrey, you're talking
about my Cabinet colleagues.

1308
01:31:58,700 --> 01:32:00,656
I was referring to the Friends of the Earth.

1309
01:32:00,820 --> 01:32:02,139
(PHONE RINGS)

1310
01:32:03,100 --> 01:32:06,775
Yes? Joan Littler has arrived,
MP for Liverpool South West.

1311
01:32:06,940 --> 01:32:08,578
Know what she wants?

1312
01:32:08,740 --> 01:32:13,097
She's the Prime Minister's PPS,
and the new plant is in her constituency.

1313
01:32:13,260 --> 01:32:18,129
- Show her in. If you'll excuse us?
- The PM's PPS? I think I'll stay.

1314
01:32:18,780 --> 01:32:21,340
Joan Littler,
member for Liverpool South West.

1315
01:32:21,500 --> 01:32:25,254
- Do you know Humphrey Appleby?
- Delighted to meet you.

1316
01:32:25,420 --> 01:32:27,217
Do take a seat.

1317
01:32:27,380 --> 01:32:29,894
- Thank you, Bernard.
- Bernard...

1318
01:32:31,500 --> 01:32:34,060
Now, what can I do for you?

1319
01:32:34,220 --> 01:32:38,771
Jim, what's the British Chemical
Corporation up to in my constituency?

1320
01:32:38,940 --> 01:32:43,570
They'll be announcing a very
exciting project, with new jobs.

1321
01:32:43,740 --> 01:32:47,415
Yes... but there's some
very worrying rumours.

1322
01:32:47,580 --> 01:32:50,048
- Such as?
- Rumours of dangerous chemicals.

1323
01:32:50,220 --> 01:32:52,575
All chemicals are dangerous...

1324
01:32:52,740 --> 01:32:57,052
The Minister means the rumours
are unfounded, no cause for alarm.

1325
01:32:57,220 --> 01:33:01,896
Can I have your assurance
there'll be a full public enquiry?

1326
01:33:02,620 --> 01:33:04,099
Not a bad idea...

1327
01:33:04,260 --> 01:33:08,731
The Minister was about to say
there's no need for an enquiry.

1328
01:33:08,900 --> 01:33:14,611
- A report will be issued shortly.
- I came here to talk to Jim.

1329
01:33:14,780 --> 01:33:18,455
- You are talking to him.
- But he's not answering, you are!

1330
01:33:19,460 --> 01:33:22,054
- The Minister and I are of one mind.
- Whose? Yours?

1331
01:33:25,100 --> 01:33:30,094
I've heard this factory made
the chemical that poisoned Seveso!

1332
01:33:30,260 --> 01:33:32,376
- That's not true.
- Isn't it?

1333
01:33:32,540 --> 01:33:36,453
The chemical in Seveso was dioxin.
This is metadioxin.

1334
01:33:36,620 --> 01:33:40,090
- That's virtually the same thing.
- Just a similar name.

1335
01:33:40,260 --> 01:33:43,696
It's the same name with "meta"
stuck on the front.

1336
01:33:43,860 --> 01:33:48,058
- That makes all the difference.
- Why? What does "meta" mean?

1337
01:33:50,180 --> 01:33:54,173
- What does "meta" mean, Humphrey?
- "With", "after" or "beyond".

1338
01:33:54,340 --> 01:33:59,368
From the Greek, of course.
"After" dioxin or "beyond" dioxin.

1339
01:33:59,540 --> 01:34:03,613
If it's in the accusative,
it's "beyond or after",

1340
01:34:03,780 --> 01:34:07,739
with the genitive it's "with",
as in Latin, as you no doubt recall.

1341
01:34:07,900 --> 01:34:11,370
The ablative is used for words
needing "with" to precede them.

1342
01:34:11,540 --> 01:34:15,419
But of course, there isn't an ablative in Greek.

1343
01:34:15,580 --> 01:34:18,572
- Well done, Bernard.
- Thank you.

1344
01:34:21,220 --> 01:34:24,576
- You see?
- Not exactly, no.

1345
01:34:24,740 --> 01:34:28,210
- I thought that was perfectly plain.
- What I insist on knowing

1346
01:34:28,380 --> 01:34:32,771
is what is the actual difference
between dioxin and metadioxin.

1347
01:34:32,940 --> 01:34:37,013
Metadioxin is an inert compound of dioxin.

1348
01:34:37,180 --> 01:34:39,933
I think I follow that, Humphrey,

1349
01:34:40,100 --> 01:34:43,570
but could you explain it a little more clearly?

1350
01:34:43,740 --> 01:34:47,016
- In what sense, Minister?
- What does "inert" mean?

1351
01:34:47,180 --> 01:34:49,819
It means it's not...

1352
01:34:50,940 --> 01:34:52,737
...ert.

1353
01:34:55,940 --> 01:34:58,454
Wouldn't "ert" a fly.

1354
01:34:59,260 --> 01:35:03,048
- What did you say, Bernard?
- Nothing, Minister.

1355
01:35:03,220 --> 01:35:06,769
- What does that mean in practical terms?
- You mean chemically?

1356
01:35:06,940 --> 01:35:10,649
- Yes, chemically.
- What does it mean chemically?

1357
01:35:10,820 --> 01:35:13,732
I can't explain it in layman's language...

1358
01:35:13,900 --> 01:35:17,415
- Do you know any chemistry?
- Of course not, Minister.

1359
01:35:17,580 --> 01:35:20,492
I was in the scholarship form.

1360
01:35:20,660 --> 01:35:22,173
Classics.

1361
01:35:22,340 --> 01:35:25,730
- And what's a compound?
- Don't you know any chemistry?

1362
01:35:25,900 --> 01:35:28,573
No. Do you?

1363
01:35:28,740 --> 01:35:33,291
- We ought to, oughtn't we?
- A compound is a...

1364
01:35:33,460 --> 01:35:39,057
You know what compound interest is?
Yes, well, a jolly good thing.

1365
01:35:39,220 --> 01:35:41,973
That's the sort of thing a compound is.

1366
01:35:43,620 --> 01:35:45,099
That's it, then.

1367
01:35:45,260 --> 01:35:49,538
To sum up, I think we're all
of the same mind, broadly speaking.

1368
01:35:49,700 --> 01:35:52,419
We're ready to go ahead.

1369
01:35:52,580 --> 01:35:55,572
I've said no such thing!

1370
01:35:57,260 --> 01:35:59,979
The only difference is in the name,

1371
01:36:00,140 --> 01:36:04,019
dioxin and metadioxin, like... Littler and Hitler.

1372
01:36:04,620 --> 01:36:07,612
Not that you're like Hitler
because your name's similar!

1373
01:36:08,140 --> 01:36:10,335
- That's not the point.
- What is the point?

1374
01:36:10,500 --> 01:36:13,412
The point is this factory is in my constituency!

1375
01:36:13,580 --> 01:36:17,050
It'll be good for the constituency,
more jobs, more money.

1376
01:36:17,220 --> 01:36:20,929
The only people we'll offend
are a few environmentalists.

1377
01:36:21,100 --> 01:36:24,251
At most, it won't cost us more than 100 votes.

1378
01:36:24,940 --> 01:36:28,649
My majority is 91.

1379
01:36:28,820 --> 01:36:32,449
Not to mention the three marginal
constituencies bordering mine!

1380
01:36:32,620 --> 01:36:34,576
Could I intervene just once more?

1381
01:36:34,740 --> 01:36:38,369
The case for the BCC manufacturing
propanol is overwhelming.

1382
01:36:38,540 --> 01:36:39,859
Overwhelming.

1383
01:36:40,020 --> 01:36:43,899
Great jobs, increased income
and secure, profitable export orders.

1384
01:36:44,060 --> 01:36:45,618
- Export orders.
- Furthermore...

1385
01:36:45,780 --> 01:36:49,136
the drug has been declared safe by Washington,

1386
01:36:49,300 --> 01:36:51,609
- Washington.
- We're preparing a report, too.

1387
01:36:51,780 --> 01:36:53,611
The Minister is confident

1388
01:36:53,780 --> 01:36:57,853
that this scheme is to the advantage
of your constituency and the country.

1389
01:36:58,020 --> 01:37:01,649
If it proves not to be safe,
I won't allow its manufacture here.

1390
01:37:01,820 --> 01:37:06,530
But if the report says it is safe,
that'd be absurd, wouldn't it?

1391
01:37:07,220 --> 01:37:10,257
I'm not satisfied with that, Jim.

1392
01:37:10,420 --> 01:37:13,696
Remember that the party made you an MP,

1393
01:37:13,860 --> 01:37:18,456
and you can't be a Minister
if your party loses the next election.

1394
01:37:22,460 --> 01:37:24,655
You still don't look happy, Minister.

1395
01:37:24,820 --> 01:37:29,177
Suppose the report isn't as conclusive as you say.

1396
01:37:29,340 --> 01:37:32,696
- Oughtn't I to meet this Henderson?
- No need.

1397
01:37:32,860 --> 01:37:36,694
He's a brilliant Cambridge
biochemist, chosen with some care.

1398
01:37:36,860 --> 01:37:40,136
Suppose he produces a cautious,
wait-and-see report?

1399
01:37:40,300 --> 01:37:43,292
We don't publish it.
We use the American report instead.

1400
01:37:43,460 --> 01:37:45,098
Fine!

1401
01:37:46,300 --> 01:37:50,134
- You mean we suppress it?
- No, we just don't publish it.

1402
01:37:50,300 --> 01:37:54,771
- What's the difference?
- All the difference in the world!

1403
01:37:54,940 --> 01:37:57,579
Suppression is the instrument of dictatorships.

1404
01:37:57,740 --> 01:38:00,652
We don't talk of that sort of thing
in a free country.

1405
01:38:00,820 --> 01:38:03,254
We take a democratic decision not to publish.

1406
01:38:04,620 --> 01:38:08,374
Fine. What am I to say
to the press and parliament?

1407
01:38:08,540 --> 01:38:11,657
"We hoped the report would say
it was a wise decision."

1408
01:38:11,820 --> 01:38:15,449
"But we've cocked it up so we'll
pretend the report doesn't exist."

1409
01:38:15,620 --> 01:38:17,895
- Very droll.
- What would I say?

1410
01:38:18,060 --> 01:38:20,972
There's a Government procedure for suppress...

1411
01:38:21,140 --> 01:38:24,052
...deciding not to publish reports.
- Really?

1412
01:38:24,220 --> 01:38:26,415
You simply discredit them.

1413
01:38:26,580 --> 01:38:28,571
Good heavens!

1414
01:38:29,900 --> 01:38:31,652
How?

1415
01:38:32,700 --> 01:38:36,409
Stage One, give your reasons
in terms of the public interest.

1416
01:38:36,580 --> 01:38:40,971
- Hint at security considerations...
- Mind if I make a note?

1417
01:38:41,140 --> 01:38:46,168
This could be useful for discrediting
some of the party's idiotic research documents.

1418
01:38:46,340 --> 01:38:51,653
The report could put pressure on
Government and be misinterpreted.

1419
01:38:51,820 --> 01:38:55,529
Anything could be misinterpreted.
The Sermon on the Mount could be!

1420
01:38:55,700 --> 01:39:01,696
Indeed, it could be argued the Sermon
should not have been published.

1421
01:39:02,580 --> 01:39:04,810
A most irresponsible document.

1422
01:39:04,980 --> 01:39:07,448
All that stuff about the meek inheriting the earth

1423
01:39:07,620 --> 01:39:11,659
could do irreparable damage
to the defence budget.

1424
01:39:11,820 --> 01:39:14,095
I suppose you're right. What else?

1425
01:39:14,260 --> 01:39:18,731
Say it's better to wait for a more
detailed study over longer time.

1426
01:39:19,340 --> 01:39:22,173
- Suppose there isn't one?
- Commission one.

1427
01:39:22,340 --> 01:39:24,695
Gives you even more time to play with.

1428
01:39:24,860 --> 01:39:28,409
- All this is Stage One?
- Yes. In Stage Two...

1429
01:39:28,580 --> 01:39:31,014
discredit the evidence you're not publishing.

1430
01:39:31,180 --> 01:39:35,810
- How, if you're not publishing it?
- It's easier if it's not published.

1431
01:39:35,980 --> 01:39:39,052
Do it by press leaks, of course,
not directly.

1432
01:39:39,220 --> 01:39:42,576
Say it leaves important questions unanswered,

1433
01:39:42,740 --> 01:39:44,537
the evidence is inconclusive,

1434
01:39:44,700 --> 01:39:47,658
the figures are open to other interpretations,

1435
01:39:47,820 --> 01:39:51,335
that certain findings are contradictory,

1436
01:39:51,500 --> 01:39:55,254
and that some of the main
conclusions have been questioned.

1437
01:39:55,420 --> 01:39:58,696
- Suppose they haven't?
- Then question them!

1438
01:39:58,860 --> 01:40:00,771
Then they have!

1439
01:40:01,580 --> 01:40:04,890
But you'd have to go through it
with a fine-toothed comb.

1440
01:40:05,060 --> 01:40:09,212
No, no, no. You'd say all these
things without reading it.

1441
01:40:09,380 --> 01:40:11,496
There's always some questions unanswered.

1442
01:40:11,660 --> 01:40:14,777
- Such as?
- The ones that weren't asked.

1443
01:40:15,820 --> 01:40:18,573
- That's Stage Two?
- Yes. In Stage Three...

1444
01:40:18,740 --> 01:40:21,493
you undermine recommendations.

1445
01:40:21,660 --> 01:40:24,174
"Not a basis for long-term decisions."

1446
01:40:24,340 --> 01:40:29,573
"Not sufficient information
on which to base a valid assessment."

1447
01:40:29,740 --> 01:40:33,733
"Not really any need for
a fundamental rethink of policies."

1448
01:40:33,900 --> 01:40:37,893
"Broadly speaking,
endorses current practice." It's easy.

1449
01:40:38,060 --> 01:40:39,891
- That works?
- Nearly always.

1450
01:40:40,060 --> 01:40:42,813
- Suppose it doesn't?
- Move on to Stage Four.

1451
01:40:42,980 --> 01:40:47,735
- Stage Four?
- Discredit the man who produced the report.

1452
01:40:47,900 --> 01:40:49,492
Off the record.

1453
01:40:49,660 --> 01:40:53,699
Say that he's harbouring a grudge
against the Government

1454
01:40:53,860 --> 01:40:58,729
or, better still, that he used to be
a consultant to a multi-national company.

1455
01:40:58,900 --> 01:41:02,495
- Supposing he wasn't?
- Then he's hoping to be.

1456
01:41:02,660 --> 01:41:05,379
Everybody's hoping
to be a consultant to a multi-national.

1457
01:41:05,540 --> 01:41:10,819
Or he's trying for a knighthood
or vice-chancellorship.

1458
01:41:10,980 --> 01:41:13,574
There are endless possibilities.

1459
01:41:13,740 --> 01:41:15,139
Excuse me.

1460
01:41:15,300 --> 01:41:19,578
The press officer rang to say
there's an item on the news.

1461
01:41:19,740 --> 01:41:21,970
Yes, yes. Why wasn't I told?

1462
01:41:22,140 --> 01:41:25,337
The BCC aren't obliged to clear it with us.

1463
01:41:26,940 --> 01:41:30,250
<i>... a row has blown up on Merseyside</i>

1464
01:41:30,420 --> 01:41:34,493
<i>about a plan for the BCC</i>
<i>to manufacture propanol</i>

1465
01:41:34,660 --> 01:41:36,890
<i>under licence for the Italian government.</i>

1466
01:41:37,060 --> 01:41:39,733
<i>Apparently, propanol contains metadioxin,</i>

1467
01:41:39,900 --> 01:41:43,370
<i>which the BCC claims</i>
<i>to be completely harmless.</i>

1468
01:41:43,540 --> 01:41:46,008
<i>It is a compound of dioxin,</i>

1469
01:41:46,180 --> 01:41:52,255
<i>the chemical released</i>
<i>after an explosion at Seveso in July 1976,</i>

1470
01:41:52,420 --> 01:41:55,617
<i>spreading poisonous dust</i>
<i>over a 4-mile radius.</i>

1471
01:41:57,420 --> 01:42:02,335
<i>0n Merseyside, protesters voiced</i>
<i>their opposition to the BCC scheme</i>

1472
01:42:02,500 --> 01:42:04,411
<i>outside the factory gates.</i>

1473
01:42:04,580 --> 01:42:07,572
<i>(CR0WD SH0UTING AND JEERING)</i>

1474
01:42:10,580 --> 01:42:13,458
<i>I'll tell you what we'll do.</i>

1475
01:42:13,620 --> 01:42:17,613
<i>Sir Wally can take his poison</i>
<i>chemicals somewhere elsel</i>

1476
01:42:17,780 --> 01:42:19,850
<i>I've a daughter expecting a baby,</i>

1477
01:42:20,020 --> 01:42:24,411
<i>and my grandchild's not gonna be</i>
<i>deformed for them bloody Eyeties' sakel</i>

1478
01:42:26,060 --> 01:42:30,338
<i>If the Government cared about people,</i>
<i>they'd never allow itl</i>

1479
01:42:31,060 --> 01:42:35,212
<i>The BCC said a report</i>
<i>on the safety of propanol</i>

1480
01:42:35,380 --> 01:42:38,895
<i>was due to be published shortly</i>
<i>by the Department of Administrative Affairs.</i>

1481
01:42:39,540 --> 01:42:42,293
<i>And now abroad again...</i>

1482
01:42:45,020 --> 01:42:49,059
- This metadioxin is dynamite.
- It's totally harmless.

1483
01:42:49,220 --> 01:42:51,450
Only chemically, not politically.

1484
01:42:51,620 --> 01:42:55,090
- It can't hurt anyone.
- It could finish me off!

1485
01:42:56,100 --> 01:42:59,775
Yes? Minister, Number 10 on the phone.

1486
01:42:59,940 --> 01:43:04,013
The political office - the PM's just seen the news.

1487
01:43:10,980 --> 01:43:12,971
Hello, Jim here!

1488
01:43:13,820 --> 01:43:16,050
Yes, I just saw that, too.

1489
01:43:16,220 --> 01:43:20,498
We don't need to be too worried
about a little local difficulty.

1490
01:43:20,660 --> 01:43:24,369
Not in view of the jobs and exports...

1491
01:43:25,100 --> 01:43:27,091
No, not many jobs.

1492
01:43:28,020 --> 01:43:29,976
Ninety, I think.

1493
01:43:30,140 --> 01:43:31,937
Yes, but...

1494
01:43:32,500 --> 01:43:34,297
You do, do you?

1495
01:43:34,460 --> 01:43:36,416
Yes, well...

1496
01:43:36,580 --> 01:43:40,573
I was coming round to that viewpoint myself.

1497
01:43:46,580 --> 01:43:48,457
Humphrey...

1498
01:43:51,780 --> 01:43:54,897
- Something just struck me.
- I noticed.

1499
01:43:57,220 --> 01:43:59,336
There are arguments against this scheme.

1500
01:44:00,020 --> 01:44:04,935
- Minister, you've already agreed...
- It could lead to a loss of...

1501
01:44:05,100 --> 01:44:08,410
...public confidence.
- You mean votes?

1502
01:44:08,580 --> 01:44:14,098
Votes? No, no. It's not the votes
that are a consideration at all.

1503
01:44:14,260 --> 01:44:16,854
But you see, it's the public will.

1504
01:44:17,020 --> 01:44:18,738
This is a democracy...

1505
01:44:18,900 --> 01:44:22,688
- and the people don't like it.
- The people are ignorant and misguided.

1506
01:44:22,860 --> 01:44:25,579
It was the people who elected me!

1507
01:44:27,740 --> 01:44:30,857
In a week, the whole thing will have blown over,

1508
01:44:31,020 --> 01:44:35,457
and in a year's time,
we'll have a safe and successful factory.

1509
01:44:35,620 --> 01:44:37,178
A week's a long time in politics.

1510
01:44:37,340 --> 01:44:39,331
A year's a short time in Government.

1511
01:44:39,500 --> 01:44:42,617
You're in Government, I'm in politics
and the PM is not pleased.

1512
01:44:42,780 --> 01:44:46,853
- With the greatest respect...
- Going to insult me again?

1513
01:44:47,020 --> 01:44:49,090
You're putting party before country.

1514
01:44:49,260 --> 01:44:51,569
Can't you think of a new clich�?

1515
01:44:51,740 --> 01:44:56,655
Minister, a new clich� could be said
to be a contradiction in terms.

1516
01:44:56,820 --> 01:44:59,653
Humphrey, you lead a sheltered life.

1517
01:44:59,820 --> 01:45:02,254
I intend to survive and I'm not crossing the PM.

1518
01:45:02,420 --> 01:45:07,210
Why must you be so concerned
with climbing the greasy pole?

1519
01:45:07,380 --> 01:45:09,848
The greasy pole is important. I have to climb it.

1520
01:45:10,020 --> 01:45:11,931
Why?

1521
01:45:12,660 --> 01:45:14,537
'Cause it's there!

1522
01:45:17,220 --> 01:45:20,895
The editor of the Times, please.
Thank you, Bernard.

1523
01:45:24,740 --> 01:45:27,573
How come the Times knows
about the report before I do?

1524
01:45:27,740 --> 01:45:30,777
- There's been a leak.
- I know that!

1525
01:45:30,940 --> 01:45:34,455
It was "Confidential". I only got a draft last night.

1526
01:45:34,620 --> 01:45:36,929
- At least it wasn't "Restricted".
- Why?

1527
01:45:37,100 --> 01:45:40,410
"Restricted" means
it was in the papers yesterday.

1528
01:45:40,580 --> 01:45:44,539
"Confidential" means it won't be
in the papers till today.

1529
01:45:44,700 --> 01:45:46,531
Who leaked this? Humphrey?

1530
01:45:46,700 --> 01:45:49,772
- I'm sure he didn't, Minister.
- Are you?

1531
01:45:49,940 --> 01:45:53,171
- He probably didn't.
- No?

1532
01:45:53,340 --> 01:45:58,095
- It might have been someone else.
- These leaks are a disgrace!

1533
01:45:58,260 --> 01:46:02,219
- People think it's the politicians.
- It has been known.

1534
01:46:04,380 --> 01:46:08,089
In my opinion, we're far more
leaked against than leaking.

1535
01:46:08,900 --> 01:46:13,416
"Political cowardice to reject
the BCC proposal... craven expediency."

1536
01:46:13,580 --> 01:46:15,571
"Hacker has no choice."

1537
01:46:15,740 --> 01:46:18,129
Humphrey thinks he's got me committed!

1538
01:46:18,300 --> 01:46:22,339
It's an unofficial leak of a draft report.
You're committed to nothing.

1539
01:46:22,500 --> 01:46:25,572
Does the report give you a way out?

1540
01:46:26,420 --> 01:46:29,457
Sir Wally McFarlane is waiting to see you.

1541
01:46:29,620 --> 01:46:33,056
All right. But he's wasting his time.

1542
01:46:33,820 --> 01:46:37,210
- Come in, please, Sir Wally.
- Thank you. Morning.

1543
01:46:37,380 --> 01:46:39,814
- Morning.
- May I join you, Minister?

1544
01:46:41,260 --> 01:46:45,014
- If you like. Do sit down.
- Thank you, Jim.

1545
01:46:45,180 --> 01:46:48,172
- Now...
- Thank you, Bernard.

1546
01:46:50,140 --> 01:46:52,495
Sorry about that.

1547
01