1
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A-hem! A-hem!
2
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Bernard, is it important?
I must finish these Defence papers.
3
00:01:00,007 --> 00:01:02,601
- This is more urgent, Minister.
- What is it?
4
00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:07,204
Your Christmas cards, Minister.
They can't be postponed any longer.
5
00:01:08,487 --> 00:01:11,126
- Eugh. Which is which?
- They're labelled.
6
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These you sign Jim; these Jim Hacker; these
Jim and Annie; these Annie and Jim Hacker;
7
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- these Love from Annie and Jim.
- And those?
8
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Those are printed and those have cyclostyled
signatures so you needn't write anything.
9
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Make sure none of them should have been
personally signed Jim or Jim Hacker
10
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or Jim and Annie or Annie and Jim Hacker
or Love from Annie and Jim.
11
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:37,557
- What about those?
- Constituency cards. Your agent left them.
12
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As you see, they've been divided up. Those
you sign Jim; those Jim Hacker; those Jim and...
13
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Thank you, Bernard! I think I've got the gist.
14
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- Is that it?
- Apart from the ones at Party headquarters.
15
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- Party HQ? I didn't do those last year.
- You weren't Party Chairman last year.
16
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Oh. Do I have to send this one?
17
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- Why not?
- It's to Maurice in Brussels.
18
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He forced through the plan
to standardise the Euro sausage.
19
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Euro sausage?
20
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:10,046
Next year we'll be waving goodbye
to the good old British sausage,
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forced to accept some foreign muck
like salami or bratwurst or something.
22
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They can't stop us eating the British sausage!
23
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They can stop us calling it a sausage.
It'll be called the emulsified high-fat offal tube!
24
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And you swallowed it?
25
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It's my job to implement EEC regulations.
It could finish my career.
26
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- What have they got against our sausage?
- Don't you ever read the papers you give me?
27
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I glanced at it, but it rather put me off.
28
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Apparently, there's not enough meat in it.
29
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"The average British sausage consists of
32.5% fat, 6.5% rind,
30
00:02:50,007 --> 00:02:55,081
"20% water, 10% rusk, 5% seasoning,
preservative and colouring
31
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"and only 26% meat,
32
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"which is mostly gristle, head meat, other offcuts
33
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"and mechanically-recovered meat...
34
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"...steamed off the carcasses."
35
00:03:08,687 --> 00:03:11,599
I don't feel particularly... I had one...
36
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I had one for breakfast.
37
00:03:14,247 --> 00:03:17,000
Perhaps the EEC commissioner is right.
38
00:03:17,167 --> 00:03:21,046
He may be, but it'll be
extremely unpopular with the voters.
39
00:03:21,207 --> 00:03:24,597
We shall just have to grit our teeth
and bite on the bullet.
40
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:29,761
You can't bite a bullet when gritting your teeth.
If you do that, you can't get a bullet...
41
00:03:29,927 --> 00:03:31,246
Sorry.
42
00:03:31,407 --> 00:03:36,640
By the way, you were going to advise me
what presents to get for the private office.
43
00:03:36,807 --> 00:03:40,720
That's up to you. Bottles of sherry
for the assistant secretaries,
44
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:45,165
large boxes of mints for the diary secretary
and correspondence secretary
45
00:03:45,327 --> 00:03:48,125
and small boxes of mints for the rest.
46
00:03:48,287 --> 00:03:51,085
- What about my Personal Private Secretary?
- That's me.
47
00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:57,637
- Ah, yes, of course! What should I give you?
- You don't have to give me anything.
48
00:03:57,807 --> 00:04:00,765
- I know, but I'd like to.
- Oh, Minister...
49
00:04:00,927 --> 00:04:04,044
- Well, anything, really.
- Such as?
50
00:04:04,207 --> 00:04:06,641
Well, really I would like a surprise.
51
00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:12,001
What sort of surprise should I give you?
52
00:04:12,167 --> 00:04:14,886
A bottle of champagne is the customary surprise.
53
00:04:16,407 --> 00:04:20,446
- What time is my meeting with Humphrey?
- That's been cancelled.
54
00:04:20,607 --> 00:04:24,043
Sir Humphrey had an urgent meeting
with the Cabinet Secretary.
55
00:04:24,207 --> 00:04:28,803
The Cabinet Secretary.
Always makes me feel rather nervous.
56
00:04:28,967 --> 00:04:33,085
In some ways, Sir Arnold is
the most powerful chap in the country.
57
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Permanent access to the PM, controls
Cabinet agenda, controls access to everything.
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I wonder what he's up to?
59
00:04:44,967 --> 00:04:46,878
- By the way, Humphrey...
- Yes?
60
00:04:47,047 --> 00:04:49,800
I've decided to retire early.
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Oh! Have you, Arnold?
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In the New Year.
63
00:04:56,247 --> 00:04:57,566
Ah...
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00:04:59,447 --> 00:05:04,726
My successor has to be someone
who can be firm with our political masters.
65
00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:07,720
Absolutely. No nonsense with that lot!
66
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:10,640
- But tactful...
- Exactly.
67
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- Suave, charming, emollient...
- And above all, sound.
68
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,041
Sound? Oh, yes, sound.
69
00:05:18,207 --> 00:05:22,041
So my duty is to convey
a recommendation to the Prime Minister
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00:05:22,207 --> 00:05:27,998
as to which of the present Permanent
Secretaries best meets these stringent criteria.
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00:05:30,927 --> 00:05:33,043
And, er...
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00:05:34,207 --> 00:05:38,644
...Have you, er...
Er, er, is there, er... Does anyone, er...
73
00:05:38,807 --> 00:05:45,360
You see, in this job, the problem isn't really
finding the answers, it's finding the questions.
74
00:05:45,527 --> 00:05:49,156
We need the man who can find the key question.
75
00:05:56,167 --> 00:05:59,637
By the way, Arnold,
to change the subject completely,
76
00:05:59,807 --> 00:06:04,597
- what will you be doing when you retire?
- Ah, very good question!
77
00:06:05,607 --> 00:06:09,282
- Very good question.
- There might be jobs you could pick up,
78
00:06:09,447 --> 00:06:14,157
ways you could serve the country,
which your successor, whoever he might be,
79
00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:17,444
could put your way -
er, persuade you to undertake!
80
00:06:18,807 --> 00:06:23,358
I had been giving it some thought.
I'll be chairman of the Banque Occidentale
81
00:06:23,527 --> 00:06:27,361
and there'll be directorships
of IBM and BP and so on.
82
00:06:27,527 --> 00:06:29,722
- But I was thinking...
- Yes?
83
00:06:29,887 --> 00:06:34,119
The Chairmanship of the Opera House Trust
will be coming up next year.
84
00:06:34,287 --> 00:06:39,486
- Chairman of Covent Garden...
- And the chancellorship of Oxford.
85
00:06:39,647 --> 00:06:43,526
The deputy chairmanship
of the Bank of England would be a...
86
00:06:43,687 --> 00:06:47,475
...A challenge?
- A challenge, exactly.
87
00:06:47,647 --> 00:06:50,400
And head of the Security Commission.
88
00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:55,118
The presidency of the Anglo-Caribbean
Association would give one...
89
00:06:55,287 --> 00:06:58,404
...a chance to be of service.
90
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,205
Precisely!
91
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:03,165
Especially during the winter months.
92
00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:08,955
I'm sure any successor worth his salt
could arrange these.
93
00:07:09,127 --> 00:07:12,915
Do you think so?
That's very reassuring, very reassuring.
94
00:07:13,087 --> 00:07:15,681
But there is another thing.
95
00:07:15,847 --> 00:07:21,683
Certain advice one may have given the Prime
Minister could, if it emerged, be misinterpreted.
96
00:07:21,847 --> 00:07:25,806
- Er, what sort of advice?
- All sensible and reasonable,
97
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:29,118
but advice about using troops during strikes.
98
00:07:29,287 --> 00:07:32,438
A very sensible precaution
that they should be armed,
99
00:07:32,607 --> 00:07:36,486
but, taken out of context, machine guns...
100
00:07:36,647 --> 00:07:39,764
Oh, I'm sure that need never come out.
101
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:45,877
And I did suggest negotiations with South Africa
about reactivating the Simonstown naval base.
102
00:07:46,047 --> 00:07:51,246
Absolutely sensible strategically, of course,
and a great help with the Falklands,
103
00:07:51,407 --> 00:07:56,003
but if one were in line for
Secretary-General of the Commonwealth...
104
00:07:56,167 --> 00:08:00,797
Embarrassing. And you would be in line
to be Secretary-General of the Commonwealth.
105
00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:03,401
Would I? How gratifying!
106
00:08:04,047 --> 00:08:10,805
And I'm sure that the right successor would see
no problem in keeping those files under wraps.
107
00:08:10,967 --> 00:08:12,286
Good.
108
00:08:12,447 --> 00:08:15,007
Anyway, to get back to our original point,
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00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:20,924
I think my colleagues and I can see our way
forward to placing your name top of the list.
110
00:08:21,807 --> 00:08:23,240
I see.
111
00:08:24,447 --> 00:08:29,077
May I ask how many other names
will be on the list?
112
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:32,683
Oh, I don't think there's anyone else
who's up to scratch.
113
00:08:32,847 --> 00:08:35,042
Have another drink.
114
00:08:36,007 --> 00:08:41,957
By the way, I've accepted the presidency
of the Campaign for Freedom of Information.
115
00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:46,405
Freedom of Information?! What on earth for?
116
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:51,960
Well, it's very popular with the Opposition, and
today's Opposition is tomorrow's government,
117
00:08:52,127 --> 00:08:56,245
and it will mean one can ensure
that the freedom is not abused.
118
00:08:57,407 --> 00:09:01,719
So, here's to the continuity of sound government.
119
00:09:01,887 --> 00:09:04,526
And freedom of information.
120
00:09:04,687 --> 00:09:08,396
- Whenever it's in the national interest.
- Oh, yes!
121
00:09:11,007 --> 00:09:13,202
(HE HUMS)
122
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:25,005
- Minister, I have some very grave news.
- Yes, Humphrey?
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00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:27,920
The relationship, which I might tentatively aver
124
00:09:28,087 --> 00:09:33,400
has been not without a degree of reciprocal
utility, and even occasional gratification,
125
00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:37,719
is approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation
and, to be brief,
126
00:09:37,887 --> 00:09:41,277
is in the propinquity
of its ultimate, regrettable, termination.
127
00:09:47,967 --> 00:09:49,286
I see.
128
00:09:51,527 --> 00:09:54,599
- I'm... on my way out.
- What?
129
00:09:54,767 --> 00:10:00,239
There comes a time when one has to accept
what fate has in store, when one passes on...
130
00:10:00,407 --> 00:10:01,920
Passes on?!
131
00:10:02,087 --> 00:10:04,521
...to pastures new, perhaps greener...
132
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:10,205
...and places oneself finally in the service
of one who is greater than any of us.
133
00:10:10,367 --> 00:10:13,996
- Humphrey, I'm so sorry!
- Thank you, Minister.
134
00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:18,285
- Does Lady Appleby know?
- She's suspected it for some time.
135
00:10:18,447 --> 00:10:21,086
- When did they tell you?
- This afternoon.
136
00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:24,603
- How long do they give you?
- Just a few weeks.
137
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:26,086
Weeks?!
138
00:10:26,247 --> 00:10:29,398
It'll give me enough time to sort everything out.
139
00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:32,400
Humphrey, you're so terribly brave!
140
00:10:32,567 --> 00:10:38,403
One is a little anxious. One is always wary of
the unknown, but I have faith I'll muddle through.
141
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:46,076
Minister, what's the matter?
142
00:10:46,527 --> 00:10:48,836
I'm sorry, Humphrey.
143
00:10:49,007 --> 00:10:53,125
It's just we've had our ups and downs, but...
144
00:10:53,287 --> 00:10:56,279
Oh, Minister, don't take on so!
145
00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:59,727
We'll still see one another regularly.
146
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:06,725
- Yes, once a week at least.
- What?
147
00:11:06,887 --> 00:11:09,879
- I haven't told you where I'm going yet.
- Eh?
148
00:11:11,007 --> 00:11:14,477
I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet.
149
00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:19,676
- Secretary to the Cabinet?
- Why, what did you think?
150
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,997
I... I thought... I thought...
151
00:11:23,727 --> 00:11:27,083
Sorry about crying.
I'm not myself today, a little tired.
152
00:11:27,727 --> 00:11:30,719
Overwrought. Things have been, you know...
153
00:11:30,887 --> 00:11:32,639
I am so sorry.
154
00:11:32,807 --> 00:11:37,722
Perhaps as Cabinet Secretary designate
I should suggest some lightening of the load...
155
00:11:37,887 --> 00:11:41,562
- No, no. Don't misunderstand me. I'm fine, fine!
- Good, good.
156
00:11:41,727 --> 00:11:45,037
- So, you're going to be Cabinet Secretary.
- Yes.
157
00:11:45,207 --> 00:11:47,767
- Cabinet Secretary!
- Mm-hmm.
158
00:11:47,927 --> 00:11:50,600
- Secretary to the Cabinet!
- YES!
159
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:54,396
- That's a great honour. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
160
00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:58,037
- 'Course, that means that you and I...
- Alas, yes.
161
00:11:58,207 --> 00:12:01,119
- How shall I manage?
- Probably even better without me.
162
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:04,484
Yes, I probably... No, no, certainly not, no!
163
00:12:04,647 --> 00:12:10,085
So you're going to do for the Prime Minister
what you've always done to me.
164
00:12:10,247 --> 00:12:11,646
For me!
165
00:12:12,687 --> 00:12:15,155
PM's right-hand man.
166
00:12:15,327 --> 00:12:19,240
- Advising on issues.
- Quite so.
167
00:12:19,407 --> 00:12:23,286
And, er, and people, no doubt.
168
00:12:23,447 --> 00:12:25,244
Minister?
169
00:12:26,567 --> 00:12:28,956
- Humphrey...
- Yes, Minister?
170
00:12:29,127 --> 00:12:33,484
I want you to know
I think you've been absolutely wonderful.
171
00:12:34,127 --> 00:12:38,996
Highest admiration for all you've done.
Wonderful work. Wonderful work.
172
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:42,716
- Finest tradition of the service.
- Minister, you're too kind.
173
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,357
I just hope you feel that I... In my...
174
00:12:48,127 --> 00:12:50,322
When things are... Well, it...
175
00:12:50,487 --> 00:12:52,682
If it should come up, er...
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00:12:52,847 --> 00:12:56,078
I think we've made
a jolly good team here, you and I?
177
00:12:56,247 --> 00:13:01,367
- I couldn't have wished for a better Minister.
- Humphrey, you're too kind!
178
00:13:02,207 --> 00:13:05,165
When are you going to tell the staff?
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00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:08,239
On Friday evening, just before it's promulgated.
180
00:13:08,407 --> 00:13:13,765
- I will bid them farewell at the Christmas party.
- That will certainly make it a happy occasion!
181
00:13:14,607 --> 00:13:18,122
- And sad.
- Sad, yes, sad.
182
00:13:18,287 --> 00:13:20,039
Terribly sad.
183
00:13:21,327 --> 00:13:24,046
- Enjoying yourself?
- Yes, thank you, Minister.
184
00:13:24,207 --> 00:13:27,517
- Enjoying yourself?
- Yes, Minister. Lovely party.
185
00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:32,238
- Yes, it's frightfully good fun.
- Always good to let your hair down.
186
00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:40,199
Right, now I think it's time I said a few words.
187
00:13:41,127 --> 00:13:44,437
This is a very, very special occasion for us all.
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00:13:44,607 --> 00:13:47,838
Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men.
189
00:13:48,007 --> 00:13:50,123
Sorry, persons!
190
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:55,961
It's always good to have this little get-together
amongst the people who've served me, er...
191
00:13:56,127 --> 00:14:01,326
...worked with me... for me... no, with me
here at the Department of Adminis...
192
00:14:03,527 --> 00:14:05,563
...Ministry of Administr...
193
00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,478
...at the DAA.
194
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:13,604
We're a team, like the Cabinet,
except we're all on the same side...
195
00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:18,879
Not that the Cabinet...
Well, I meant... really, the shadow Cabinet.
196
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:23,164
Let's keep politics out of this. Season of goodwill.
197
00:14:24,327 --> 00:14:27,319
That's why Parliament doesn't sit over Christmas!
198
00:14:31,007 --> 00:14:34,636
Season of goodwill. Even to one's officials!
199
00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:40,486
Well, what can I say? Humphrey.
200
00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:44,117
(BERNARD) Sir Humphrey Appleby!
(ALL) Sir Humphrey Appleby!
201
00:14:44,287 --> 00:14:49,998
Thank you. I'd just like to thank you all for
all the hard work you've done all these years.
202
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:56,561
An occasion like this engenders a certain
emotional ambiguity and personal ambivalence.
203
00:14:56,727 --> 00:15:00,003
- What's he ambigulous about?
- While one is, one should say,
204
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:04,319
honoured by the cause of one's departure,
one is saddened by the fact of it -
205
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:11,006
in particular, saddened to leave the service of
a Minister without parallel in one's experience.
206
00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:13,317
I say, that's jolly decent.
207
00:15:13,487 --> 00:15:16,160
- A unique partnership.
- Absolutely unique.
208
00:15:16,327 --> 00:15:19,763
So I should end by wishing
a happy Christmas to you all,
209
00:15:19,927 --> 00:15:24,523
but in particular to a Minister whom,
in the brief time we've had him with us
210
00:15:24,687 --> 00:15:28,999
we've watched grow in standing,
stature and sureness of touch.
211
00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:32,637
So, seasonal felicitations to you all,
212
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:37,756
but please, please, do remember
the Home Secretary's campaign for the holiday:
213
00:15:37,927 --> 00:15:40,521
Don't drink and drive this Christmas.
214
00:15:40,687 --> 00:15:43,360
I'll drink to that! ...Oh, dear, I'm sorry!
215
00:15:46,887 --> 00:15:51,517
- I do wish you'd let me drive, Jim.
- I'm driving perfectly stably.
216
00:15:51,687 --> 00:15:54,599
True, but we have to get home before dawn!
217
00:16:25,687 --> 00:16:28,440
Good evening, Cinstable. Happy Crispsmas.
218
00:16:28,607 --> 00:16:31,519
- May I see your licence, sir?
- Certainly.
219
00:16:31,687 --> 00:16:35,077
- Aren't you Mr Jim Hacker?
- That's right.
220
00:16:35,247 --> 00:16:40,116
- What seems to be the trouble?
- Any reason you were driving so slowly?
221
00:16:40,287 --> 00:16:42,721
I didn't want the kerb to hit me...
222
00:16:42,887 --> 00:16:46,004
I didn't want to hit the kerb.
223
00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:49,557
Look, I've got a silver badge somewhere.
224
00:16:49,727 --> 00:16:54,676
- I see. Perhaps Constable Evans can drive you.
- It's all right, Officer. I'll drive.
225
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,123
OK, Mrs Hacker.
If you're in a proper state to drive.
226
00:16:58,287 --> 00:17:01,996
I don't drink, Officer.
Well, not when my husband's driving.
227
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:06,121
Nor do I, hardly.
228
00:17:10,047 --> 00:17:14,484
- There we are.
- Nice little place you have here, Humphrey.
229
00:17:14,647 --> 00:17:18,435
- Thank you.
- You handled your first Cabinet meeting well.
230
00:17:18,607 --> 00:17:23,203
- What was it like sitting next to the PM?
- Do sit down, Minister.
231
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:29,397
I've asked you to drop in for a coffee because
the Home Office informs me of a traffic incident.
232
00:17:29,567 --> 00:17:30,886
Oh.
233
00:17:31,047 --> 00:17:34,039
- Yes, I see.
- It's entirely your own affair...
234
00:17:34,207 --> 00:17:36,767
- Precisely.
- But the PM takes a grave view.
235
00:17:36,927 --> 00:17:41,717
- He feels Ministers should set an example.
- You're not ticking me off, are you?
236
00:17:41,887 --> 00:17:46,324
Far be it from me, I'm only a servant
of the Cabinet, a humble functionary.
237
00:17:46,487 --> 00:17:49,718
But I need to assure the Home Office
it won't occur again.
238
00:17:49,887 --> 00:17:54,358
- What do they give us silver badges for?
- It's a very special privilege, Minister.
239
00:17:54,527 --> 00:17:59,647
It allows us to pass through police cordons
and park in prohibited areas and so forth.
240
00:17:59,807 --> 00:18:02,924
It is not to protect drunks who drive cars.
241
00:18:04,727 --> 00:18:09,755
I will not be lectured by a functionary,
even one as humble as your good self.
242
00:18:09,927 --> 00:18:14,717
- I'm a Minister of the Crown.
- Yes, of course. I do apologise.
243
00:18:14,887 --> 00:18:18,926
I will inform the Crown of the incident
if that is your wish.
244
00:18:22,807 --> 00:18:24,365
I...
245
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:29,638
Now I think of it,
you can tell the Home Office I take the point.
246
00:18:29,807 --> 00:18:34,756
- Thank you, Minister.
- Does the Home Secretary himself know?
247
00:18:34,927 --> 00:18:37,202
It hardly matters.
248
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:41,804
I'm afraid the Home Secretary
has not been as lucky as you were,
249
00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:44,606
which is why he wasn't at Cabinet.
250
00:18:46,407 --> 00:18:51,242
As you're aware, he initiated this
"Don't drink and drive at Christmas" campaign
251
00:18:51,407 --> 00:18:53,682
and ordered the police to "get tough".
252
00:18:53,847 --> 00:18:55,599
Well, unfortunately...
253
00:18:56,487 --> 00:19:01,515
...he, too, was picked up last night
for drunken driving in his own constituency.
254
00:19:02,487 --> 00:19:05,479
Have you seen the first edition of the Standard?
255
00:19:11,447 --> 00:19:15,440
- Where on earth was his security man?
- He'd given him the slip.
256
00:19:15,607 --> 00:19:18,599
You know how cunning these drunks can be.
257
00:19:20,487 --> 00:19:24,036
Couldn't they have hushed it up?
Silver badge job?
258
00:19:24,207 --> 00:19:30,396
His case was rather different. He caused
a lorry to overturn. It was full of nuclear waste.
259
00:19:32,927 --> 00:19:38,797
Then he rebounded from the lorry into a private
car driven by the editor of a local newspaper.
260
00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:40,286
Oh, no.
261
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:43,405
- Inevitably, it leaked out.
- The nuclear waste?
262
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,159
No, the story.
263
00:19:47,007 --> 00:19:50,602
- The Home Secretary will have to resign.
- Alas, yes.
264
00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:53,235
- What will happen to him?
- Well...
265
00:19:53,407 --> 00:19:59,164
I gather he was as drunk as a lord, so after a
discreet interval, they'll probably make him one!
266
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,520
He's obviously been held up.
267
00:20:04,727 --> 00:20:07,525
You can stamp some cards if you like.
268
00:20:07,687 --> 00:20:09,757
- Aren't they to constituents?
- Yes.
269
00:20:09,927 --> 00:20:15,684
That's not government business, that's political
activity. I'm not allowed to help with that.
270
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,281
- If they're to journalists?
- That'd be OK.
271
00:20:18,447 --> 00:20:20,722
- They're to journalists.
- Fine.
272
00:20:21,207 --> 00:20:25,405
I suppose licking is an essential part
of relationships with the press.
273
00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:31,645
- I hear the reshuffle is about to be announced.
- It may be on the news.
274
00:20:31,807 --> 00:20:36,005
I like to watch the news. It's my best chance
of finding out where Jim is.
275
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:41,161
(NEWSREADER)... There was no question of
American military personnel getting involved.
276
00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:45,320
We've j'ust had a newsflash
from Number 10 Downing Street.
277
00:20:45,487 --> 00:20:48,604
The Prime Minister
is to retire early in the New Year.
278
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:51,645
He does not want to serve
in another Parliament,
279
00:20:51,807 --> 00:20:55,083
giving his successor a good run-up
to the next election.
280
00:20:55,247 --> 00:20:58,364
We'll bring you further news as soon as we can.
281
00:20:58,527 --> 00:21:00,802
(ALL) Have you heard?
(ALL) Yes!
282
00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:04,801
- The emergency Cabinet meeting was to tell us.
- Why so suddenly?
283
00:21:04,967 --> 00:21:10,724
He said to give his successor a good run-up to
the next election, so that can't be the reason.
284
00:21:10,887 --> 00:21:14,562
- Why, then?
- Some extraordinary rumours are going about.
285
00:21:14,727 --> 00:21:17,480
The left say he's a secret CIA agent.
286
00:21:17,647 --> 00:21:22,767
- The right say he's a secret KGB agent.
- Minister, I've heard something quite different,
287
00:21:22,927 --> 00:21:27,717
that there is £1 million-worth of diamonds
from South Africa in a Downing Street safe,
288
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:30,037
- but it's only a rumour.
- Is that true?
289
00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:31,526
Yes.
290
00:21:32,607 --> 00:21:36,122
So, there ARE all those diamonds
in Downing Street!
291
00:21:36,287 --> 00:21:38,676
- Are there?
- You said there were!
292
00:21:38,847 --> 00:21:40,599
- I didn't.
- You did!
293
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:44,396
- I said is the rumour true, you said yes!
- True it's a rumour.
294
00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,876
- You heard it was true!
- True I heard it!
295
00:21:47,047 --> 00:21:51,518
- Sorry to cut in, but do you believe it?
- I believe I heard it.
296
00:21:51,687 --> 00:21:55,157
- Oh, about the diamonds? No.
- Is it impossible?
297
00:21:55,327 --> 00:21:58,285
No, but it's never been officially denied.
298
00:21:58,447 --> 00:22:02,804
First rule of politics:
Never believe anything until it's officially denied.
299
00:22:02,967 --> 00:22:06,437
- Will there be a general election?
- There's no need.
300
00:22:06,607 --> 00:22:09,997
The majority's big enough.
We'll just choose a new leader.
301
00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:12,681
- Do you want the job?
- Me? No chance!
302
00:22:12,847 --> 00:22:15,361
It'll either be Eric or Duncan.
303
00:22:15,527 --> 00:22:18,439
It should have been Ray. He was Deputy Leader.
304
00:22:18,607 --> 00:22:21,485
But as he's had to resign as Home Secretary...
305
00:22:22,127 --> 00:22:27,121
- Of course! That's why the PM resigned!
- (BERNARD) Why?
306
00:22:27,287 --> 00:22:33,044
He's always hated Ray. He just hung on
to make sure his deputy didn't get the leadership!
307
00:22:34,567 --> 00:22:36,159
Like Attlee and Morrison.
308
00:22:36,327 --> 00:22:40,957
So the resignation is to give time for
the new leader to be run in before the election?
309
00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:46,360
- Now that the Home Secretary's been run in!
- Eric wants my support for the leadership.
310
00:22:46,527 --> 00:22:50,759
He could be the right man.
He's been a fairly successful Chancellor.
311
00:22:50,927 --> 00:22:54,761
I've already indicated that I'm... on his side.
312
00:22:54,927 --> 00:22:58,602
- What about Duncan?
- Yes, Duncan could be the man.
313
00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:01,565
He's done fairly well at the Foreign Office.
314
00:23:01,727 --> 00:23:05,800
- I think I'll support Duncan.
- You're supporting Eric AND Duncan?
315
00:23:05,967 --> 00:23:10,199
It's all very well, but if I support Eric
and Duncan gets it, that's it.
316
00:23:10,367 --> 00:23:14,485
- If I support Duncan and Eric gets it, that's it.
- Don't support either!
317
00:23:14,647 --> 00:23:17,844
- Whoever gets it, that's it.
- So who are you supporting?
318
00:23:18,007 --> 00:23:19,759
Duncan.
319
00:23:22,807 --> 00:23:24,286
Or Eric.
320
00:23:25,327 --> 00:23:29,525
Duncan's so divisive.
It really would be for the good of the party,
321
00:23:29,687 --> 00:23:33,236
- the good of the country...
- Eric, I don't see how I can.
322
00:23:33,407 --> 00:23:37,320
Your support would be crucial.
You're universally popular...
323
00:23:37,487 --> 00:23:40,001
- I don't know...
- Good public image...
324
00:23:40,167 --> 00:23:42,556
- Yes...
- Regarded as sound.
325
00:23:42,727 --> 00:23:45,639
- Am I?
- So, if you put your weight behind me...
326
00:23:45,807 --> 00:23:49,004
You see my problem as chairman of the party.
327
00:23:49,167 --> 00:23:53,080
- What would happen if Duncan got it? Disaster!
- Well...
328
00:23:53,247 --> 00:23:56,523
Tell you what.
I wouldn't keep him at the Foreign Office.
329
00:23:57,407 --> 00:23:59,875
I'd look for a new Foreign Secretary.
330
00:24:04,967 --> 00:24:08,039
But as I said, I must appear impartial.
331
00:24:09,207 --> 00:24:13,758
But if there could be ways of hinting
at my support for you...
332
00:24:14,607 --> 00:24:17,599
...in a perfectly impartial way...
333
00:24:23,247 --> 00:24:28,275
- But Duncan, as chairman of the party...
- As such you carry even more weight.
334
00:24:28,447 --> 00:24:31,723
You haven't got any real enemies.
Not yet, anyway.
335
00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:34,765
But it's my job to be impartial.
336
00:24:34,927 --> 00:24:38,966
- If Eric got into Number 10 it'd be catastrophic.
- Yes...
337
00:24:39,127 --> 00:24:42,164
Jim, we're on the same side, aren't we?
338
00:24:43,127 --> 00:24:44,640
- Yes.
- Good.
339
00:24:44,807 --> 00:24:48,277
I'm going to win and I never forgive people
who let me down.
340
00:24:51,087 --> 00:24:53,965
I can't make my support too public.
341
00:24:54,127 --> 00:24:58,405
It doesn't have to be public,
just so long as everybody knows.
342
00:24:59,487 --> 00:25:03,765
Then when I'm in Number 10,
and Eric's in Northern Ireland...
343
00:25:07,687 --> 00:25:12,203
- we know who'll be the next Chancellor, don't we?
- Do we?
344
00:25:13,647 --> 00:25:15,877
You mean...?
345
00:25:16,487 --> 00:25:19,399
Unless you fancy Northern Ireland yourself?
346
00:25:28,047 --> 00:25:31,960
How are things
at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information?
347
00:25:32,127 --> 00:25:34,402
Sorry, I can't talk about that.
348
00:25:39,367 --> 00:25:45,476
So, will the new PM be our eminent Chancellor,
or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?
349
00:25:45,647 --> 00:25:48,445
Well, which do you think it should be?
350
00:25:48,607 --> 00:25:53,397
Difficult. Like asking which lunatic
should run the asylum.
351
00:25:53,567 --> 00:25:58,687
Trouble is, they're both interventionists,
with notions about running the country themselves
352
00:25:58,847 --> 00:26:01,680
- if they became PM.
- Have we any allies?
353
00:26:01,847 --> 00:26:04,520
Quite a few, the Chief Whip particularly.
354
00:26:04,687 --> 00:26:09,317
He's worried that whichever gets the job
will antagonise the other's supporters
355
00:26:09,487 --> 00:26:13,765
- and split the party.
- So we need a compromise candidate.
356
00:26:13,927 --> 00:26:15,963
Hmm. Malleable.
357
00:26:16,127 --> 00:26:17,685
- Flexible.
- Likeable.
358
00:26:17,847 --> 00:26:19,838
- No firm opinions.
- No bright ideas.
359
00:26:20,007 --> 00:26:25,604
- Not intellectually committed.
- No strength of purpose to change anything.
360
00:26:25,767 --> 00:26:29,885
Someone who can be
manipulated, professionally guided.
361
00:26:30,047 --> 00:26:33,960
And leave the business of government
in the hands of the experts.
362
00:26:53,487 --> 00:26:56,763
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!
It's impossible.
363
00:26:56,927 --> 00:27:03,446
Why? A lot of the government
would welcome a less-interventionist leader.
364
00:27:03,607 --> 00:27:07,236
- Not the other two candidates!
- They might be persuaded.
365
00:27:07,407 --> 00:27:12,162
- What, to stand aside?
- Yes. Have you seen their Ml5 files?
366
00:27:12,887 --> 00:27:17,199
- No.
- Always send for Cabinet Ministers' Ml5 files
367
00:27:17,367 --> 00:27:19,881
if you enjoy a good laugh!
368
00:27:21,927 --> 00:27:23,997
- Oh, Bernard.
- Sir.
369
00:27:24,167 --> 00:27:26,601
- Just...
- Thank you very much.
370
00:27:26,767 --> 00:27:28,917
- Do sit down.
- Thank you.
371
00:27:31,287 --> 00:27:34,165
- Happy New Year, by the way.
- Thank you.
372
00:27:34,327 --> 00:27:35,840
Right.
373
00:27:36,007 --> 00:27:37,360
So...
374
00:27:37,527 --> 00:27:44,080
...this is our very last piece of DAA business.
- Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir Humphrey.
375
00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:45,760
Ah, well.
376
00:27:46,767 --> 00:27:50,123
Bernard, just let me ask you something.
377
00:27:50,847 --> 00:27:53,884
What would you say to your present master...
378
00:27:56,287 --> 00:27:58,755
...as the next Prime Minister?
379
00:28:01,927 --> 00:28:03,804
- The Minister?
- Yes.
380
00:28:03,967 --> 00:28:05,844
- Mr Hacker?
- Yes.
381
00:28:06,647 --> 00:28:09,241
- As Prime Minister?
- Yes.
382
00:28:11,007 --> 00:28:15,205
- Are you in a hurry?
- Just checking it's not April 1st.
383
00:28:19,727 --> 00:28:24,039
Are you suggesting your Minister
is not up to the job of Prime Minister?
384
00:28:24,207 --> 00:28:26,880
Oh, no, Sir Arnold, it's not for me to, er...
385
00:28:27,047 --> 00:28:31,120
Well, I mean...
Of course, I'm... I'm sure he's, er...
386
00:28:32,847 --> 00:28:34,360
Oh, gosh!
387
00:28:34,527 --> 00:28:38,964
There is a body of opinion
that sees many advantages in the appointment.
388
00:28:39,127 --> 00:28:41,516
- For Britain.
- For Britain.
389
00:28:41,687 --> 00:28:44,759
- Yes, well, yes...
- So we trust you
390
00:28:44,927 --> 00:28:50,604
to ensure your Minister does nothing incisive
or divisive over the next few weeks.
391
00:28:50,767 --> 00:28:56,922
- Avoids anything controversial.
- Expresses no firm opinion about anything.
392
00:28:57,727 --> 00:29:03,484
- Now, is that quite clear?
- I think that's what he was planning anyway.
393
00:29:08,927 --> 00:29:13,842
What's it all for, Bernard? What are we all doing?
What does it all mean?
394
00:29:14,007 --> 00:29:16,646
I didn't read theology, Minister.
395
00:29:16,807 --> 00:29:20,356
The waste of it all.
Take that EEC reception last night.
396
00:29:20,527 --> 00:29:26,636
Humphrey introduced me to an official
who pays farmers to produce surplus food
397
00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:32,757
and then he introduced me to another official
who pays others to destroy all the surpluses.
398
00:29:32,927 --> 00:29:38,399
Then they pay thousands of bureaucrats
to push masses of paper round to make it all work.
399
00:29:38,567 --> 00:29:43,846
- Doesn't the futility of it all depress you?
- Not really. I'm a civil servant.
400
00:29:46,087 --> 00:29:48,920
I've been talking to Eric and Duncan.
401
00:29:49,767 --> 00:29:52,839
I think I've promised to support Eric's candidature.
402
00:29:53,007 --> 00:29:56,841
- I see.
- Then I think I promised to support Duncan's.
403
00:29:57,007 --> 00:30:02,161
- That sounds very even-handed, Minister.
- But I can't keep both promises. Sherry?
404
00:30:02,327 --> 00:30:06,639
- Thank you. They were only political promises.
- Yes... What do you mean?
405
00:30:07,047 --> 00:30:11,040
I mean, like your manifesto promises,
people understand.
406
00:30:11,207 --> 00:30:12,526
Yes.
407
00:30:12,687 --> 00:30:18,444
Trouble is, I can't remember either of them
making any categorical promises to me.
408
00:30:18,607 --> 00:30:22,919
- Then you have no problem.
- I have. I've still to decide who to support.
409
00:30:23,087 --> 00:30:26,682
It's not just picking the winner.
My support could tip the balance.
410
00:30:26,847 --> 00:30:31,557
The question is, do I want to be Foreign
Secretary or Chancellor of the Exchequer?
411
00:30:31,727 --> 00:30:34,400
- Neither, do you?
- Why not?
412
00:30:34,567 --> 00:30:37,127
They're both such terrible jobs!
413
00:30:37,287 --> 00:30:40,518
You're talking about two
of the top three Cabinet jobs.
414
00:30:40,687 --> 00:30:42,086
I realise that.
415
00:30:42,247 --> 00:30:45,956
- As a civil servant, you don't understand politics.
- Sorry.
416
00:30:46,127 --> 00:30:48,687
To be a success, you have to be in the limelight.
417
00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:53,875
You have a very high profile as Chancellor of
the Exchequer, and that has to be good for votes.
418
00:30:54,047 --> 00:30:57,926
- You see now, don't you?
- But with respect, Minister...
419
00:30:58,087 --> 00:31:02,126
The Chancellor is Mr Killjoy.
Raising taxes on beer and cigarettes
420
00:31:02,287 --> 00:31:06,565
and cutting down public spending
goes down badly with the electorate.
421
00:31:08,207 --> 00:31:13,600
Maybe I don't want to be Chancellor
of the Exchequer. There's no escape in that job.
422
00:31:13,767 --> 00:31:18,887
No, Minister. Unless you're sent to the Foreign
and Commonwealth Office as a punishment.
423
00:31:19,047 --> 00:31:21,720
- Punishment?
- It's an even worse job.
424
00:31:21,887 --> 00:31:24,321
- No votes in Foreign Affairs?
- Exactly.
425
00:31:24,487 --> 00:31:28,036
The FCO loves foreigners,
but the British people don't.
426
00:31:28,207 --> 00:31:29,799
Quite.
427
00:31:30,367 --> 00:31:34,440
As far as world politics goes,
the Foreign Office is an irrelevance.
428
00:31:34,607 --> 00:31:38,998
We've no real power.
We're just an American missile base!
429
00:31:39,167 --> 00:31:40,646
Yes, Minister.
430
00:31:40,807 --> 00:31:43,640
Between the devil and the deep blue sea.
431
00:31:43,807 --> 00:31:47,038
Unless... Of course, there is one other option.
432
00:31:47,207 --> 00:31:49,801
- What other option?
- Do the middle job.
433
00:31:49,967 --> 00:31:55,644
Middle job? What, Home Secretary? Responsible
for all the muggings, jailbreaks and race riots?
434
00:31:55,807 --> 00:31:59,925
- No, thank you!
- No, be the one who takes all the credit.
435
00:32:01,047 --> 00:32:03,845
What do you mean? You mean...?
436
00:32:05,127 --> 00:32:07,516
You don't mean...?
437
00:32:10,407 --> 00:32:13,319
You do mean...?
438
00:32:13,887 --> 00:32:16,799
How's it all looking from the Chief Whip's office?
439
00:32:16,967 --> 00:32:20,801
If Eric gets it
we'll have a party split in three months.
440
00:32:20,967 --> 00:32:23,242
If it's Duncan, it'll take three weeks.
441
00:32:23,407 --> 00:32:27,116
Geoffrey, the PM's asked me
to take you into my confidence.
442
00:32:27,287 --> 00:32:33,237
I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are,
how shall I say, security question marks
443
00:32:33,407 --> 00:32:35,875
over both the current candidates.
444
00:32:36,047 --> 00:32:39,926
- What question marks?
- Alas, I can say no more.
445
00:32:41,847 --> 00:32:45,442
The only person I can disclose this to
in the PM's absence,
446
00:32:45,607 --> 00:32:49,316
and as it is essentially a party matter,
is the chairman of the party.
447
00:32:49,487 --> 00:32:51,921
- Jim Hacker.
- He's promised to join us.
448
00:32:52,087 --> 00:32:56,478
But in the meantime, do you think the party
can find a compromise candidate?
449
00:32:56,647 --> 00:33:03,200
- Could be any one of half a dozen.
- Have you considered the party chairman?
450
00:33:04,047 --> 00:33:06,083
Jim Hacker?!
451
00:33:08,287 --> 00:33:10,482
Jim Hacker...
452
00:33:10,647 --> 00:33:12,956
Yes, it is possible, isn't it?
453
00:33:13,127 --> 00:33:17,006
After all, there have been
less likely Prime Ministers.
454
00:33:17,767 --> 00:33:19,280
Yes...
455
00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:21,720
Who?
456
00:33:22,847 --> 00:33:25,486
Oh, there must have been!
457
00:33:25,647 --> 00:33:27,763
(BUZZER)
458
00:33:27,927 --> 00:33:31,761
Yes? Oh, all right. Send him in.
459
00:33:34,847 --> 00:33:37,281
Minister, so good of you to call.
460
00:33:37,447 --> 00:33:39,199
- Henry.
- Morning.
461
00:33:39,367 --> 00:33:41,676
Do sit down. Minister...
462
00:33:41,847 --> 00:33:45,237
...I have a problem and I need your help.
463
00:33:45,407 --> 00:33:48,285
Oh, dear! Can't you run the country on your own?
464
00:33:51,047 --> 00:33:55,120
- It is a rather grave matter, I'm afraid.
- Yes, of course.
465
00:33:56,207 --> 00:34:01,406
It's to do with the leadership election. The PM
felt we had no alternative but to call you in.
466
00:34:01,567 --> 00:34:03,285
That bad, eh?
467
00:34:04,127 --> 00:34:06,925
There are certain items of confidential information
468
00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:10,921
which, while in theory might be susceptible
of innocent interpretation,
469
00:34:11,087 --> 00:34:14,966
do nevertheless contain
a sufficient element of ambiguity,
470
00:34:15,127 --> 00:34:19,325
so that were they to be presented
in a less than generous manner,
471
00:34:19,487 --> 00:34:23,162
might be a source
of great embarrassment and even hazard
472
00:34:23,327 --> 00:34:29,004
were they to impinge upon the deliberations
of an office of more than usual sensitivity.
473
00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:31,478
I'm sorry?
474
00:34:34,487 --> 00:34:39,003
- He's talking about security question marks.
- Security? What do you mean?
475
00:34:39,167 --> 00:34:42,204
- Secrets.
- I know what security means.
476
00:34:42,367 --> 00:34:45,837
- But what do you mean?
- I'm not allowed to know.
477
00:34:46,007 --> 00:34:47,804
- Why not?
- Security.
478
00:34:50,887 --> 00:34:55,278
So, since in the PM's absence
you are deputising on party matters,
479
00:34:55,447 --> 00:34:59,565
may I show you the security file
on the Chancellor of the Exchequer?
480
00:34:59,727 --> 00:35:03,163
Technically, I can't show you any of it, but, er...
481
00:35:07,087 --> 00:35:11,205
...under the circumstances,
I feel I can show you relevant items.
482
00:35:11,367 --> 00:35:15,076
Here's a summary of the reports
from the security services.
483
00:35:16,407 --> 00:35:18,318
Special Branch...
484
00:35:18,487 --> 00:35:20,045
There we are.
485
00:35:20,207 --> 00:35:22,846
Interview with his driver.
486
00:35:25,607 --> 00:35:28,758
And the PM's confidential memo.
487
00:35:30,087 --> 00:35:33,284
- Strictest secrecy, of course.
- Of course.
488
00:35:36,687 --> 00:35:38,598
Dirty old...!
489
00:35:41,047 --> 00:35:43,800
You wouldn't have thought he had the time,
490
00:35:43,967 --> 00:35:46,197
a workaholic like Eric.
491
00:35:46,367 --> 00:35:50,519
I've found that people who are highly active
in one area of life
492
00:35:50,687 --> 00:35:53,326
tend to be equally active in all the others.
493
00:35:53,487 --> 00:35:55,637
You wouldn't think he went in for...
494
00:35:55,807 --> 00:35:59,959
I understand the current expression
is horizontal jogging, Minister.
495
00:36:03,527 --> 00:36:07,202
All this was some time ago
and it doesn't seem very conclusive.
496
00:36:07,367 --> 00:36:10,677
That's why the PM thought it all right
for him to be Chancellor.
497
00:36:10,847 --> 00:36:14,078
But the Yugoslavian one
and the two South Africans,
498
00:36:14,247 --> 00:36:17,125
not to mention the shady lady from Argentina...
499
00:36:17,287 --> 00:36:22,077
- And it's thought she's just a cover anyway.
- Cover? What for?
500
00:36:22,247 --> 00:36:23,726
Good heavens!
501
00:36:23,887 --> 00:36:29,519
If all these ladies were just covers,
what on earth were his real requirements?
502
00:36:30,767 --> 00:36:33,804
- I really can't tell you.
- Ooh!
503
00:36:34,967 --> 00:36:39,995
So it was thought that Defence
and the Foreign Office might be too delicate.
504
00:36:40,167 --> 00:36:43,523
- I can see that!
- Then, if he were PM...
505
00:36:43,687 --> 00:36:47,123
he'd be head of security services as well.
It's unthinkable.
506
00:36:47,287 --> 00:36:53,157
- You're saying it's got to be Duncan.
- I was coming to that. This is his file.
507
00:36:54,007 --> 00:36:56,316
Special Branch again.
508
00:36:56,487 --> 00:36:59,320
Then we have the Fraud Squad...
509
00:37:00,447 --> 00:37:02,517
Inland Revenue...
510
00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:06,760
Secret auditors' reports, Bank of England
foreign exchange division...
511
00:37:06,927 --> 00:37:09,282
How much do you want?
512
00:37:09,447 --> 00:37:12,564
All this was technically legal at the time, wasn't it?
513
00:37:12,727 --> 00:37:17,562
Yes, it may have been technically, but it ruled
him out of consideration for the Treasury.
514
00:37:17,727 --> 00:37:20,605
How did they get all this - Ml5?
515
00:37:20,767 --> 00:37:25,079
Er, well, let's just say
it's all been gone into quite enough.
516
00:37:25,247 --> 00:37:27,283
Like the shady lady!
517
00:37:29,527 --> 00:37:34,282
- Isn't it all astounding, all this?
- I don't know. I haven't seen it!
518
00:37:36,887 --> 00:37:41,722
- Humphrey, don't think me foolish...
- Oh, Minister, perish the thought!
519
00:37:41,887 --> 00:37:46,085
- Forgive me, Geoffrey. Why are you here?
- We dare not allow these scandals.
520
00:37:46,247 --> 00:37:50,286
If they are so embarrassing,
it would embarrass the country and the party
521
00:37:50,447 --> 00:37:52,915
if either of them became head of government.
522
00:37:53,087 --> 00:37:56,875
- We can't be caught with our trousers down.
- Like Eric!
523
00:37:58,647 --> 00:38:00,365
I see.
524
00:38:01,407 --> 00:38:03,523
Yes, this is serious.
525
00:38:03,687 --> 00:38:05,643
- Very serious.
- Very serious.
526
00:38:05,807 --> 00:38:10,244
- What could happen if one them became PM?
- Something very serious indeed.
527
00:38:10,407 --> 00:38:12,602
- Very serious.
- I see.
528
00:38:13,047 --> 00:38:16,801
- Serious repercussions...
- Serious repercussions...
529
00:38:16,967 --> 00:38:19,401
...of the utmost seriousness.
530
00:38:19,887 --> 00:38:22,401
Yes, that is serious.
531
00:38:22,567 --> 00:38:27,561
In fact, I would go so far as to say
that it could hardly be more serious.
532
00:38:29,887 --> 00:38:33,323
Well, I think we're all agreed, then, this is serious.
533
00:38:33,487 --> 00:38:34,920
Yes.
534
00:38:35,087 --> 00:38:37,282
What happens now?
535
00:38:37,447 --> 00:38:40,280
The party needs to agree
on another candidate, quick.
536
00:38:40,447 --> 00:38:44,884
- The Chief Whip wondered if you had any ideas.
- As you're Party Chairman.
537
00:38:45,047 --> 00:38:47,515
Well, it's rather difficult.
538
00:38:47,687 --> 00:38:53,478
You're looking for somebody with outstanding
qualities, a potential Prime Minister.
539
00:38:53,647 --> 00:38:56,320
- Someone who's sound.
- Yes.
540
00:38:57,447 --> 00:38:58,926
Likeable.
541
00:39:00,887 --> 00:39:02,525
Flexible.
542
00:39:02,687 --> 00:39:04,917
Yes. Normal.
543
00:39:07,447 --> 00:39:09,085
- Solvent.
- Yes.
544
00:39:09,247 --> 00:39:12,603
And acceptable to both wings of the party.
545
00:39:12,767 --> 00:39:16,680
And someone who understands
how to take advice, Minister.
546
00:39:16,847 --> 00:39:18,963
Yes. Well...
547
00:39:19,567 --> 00:39:22,400
Gosh! Who can I suggest?
548
00:39:24,367 --> 00:39:27,757
- Have you thought of doing the job yourself?
- Me?!
549
00:39:27,927 --> 00:39:31,078
- Why not?
- Wouldn't you want to be Prime Minister?
550
00:39:31,247 --> 00:39:36,241
I'd love to be, but... It's a very big job.
I'm not sure I could. Prime Minister!
551
00:39:36,407 --> 00:39:40,798
Perhaps the Minister feels
he's not absolutely Prime Ministerial calibre.
552
00:39:40,967 --> 00:39:45,961
- There isn't any doubt about that, Humphrey.
- No, not in my mind. But you seem hesitant.
553
00:39:46,127 --> 00:39:49,676
Modesty forbids.
But I have no doubt I can do the job.
554
00:39:49,847 --> 00:39:53,999
- Modestly put, Minister.
- There's only one fly in the ointment.
555
00:39:54,167 --> 00:39:59,161
You're a bit of an outsider. Can you organise
some public success in the next few days?
556
00:39:59,327 --> 00:40:03,366
A tall order.
I'm up to my neck in the Euro sausage!
557
00:40:05,367 --> 00:40:09,440
Won't it be enough to start campaigning,
let people know I want the job?
558
00:40:09,607 --> 00:40:13,600
Quite the reverse!
Better to let people know you DON'T want it.
559
00:40:13,767 --> 00:40:17,203
- Would that be enough?
- If you tell everybody that, yes.
560
00:40:17,367 --> 00:40:22,043
Leave the campaigning to me.
Say you have no ambitions in that direction.
561
00:40:22,207 --> 00:40:26,485
Yes. But supposing somebody says,
"Does that mean you refuse to stand?"
562
00:40:26,647 --> 00:40:31,402
- You know how the media try to trap you.
- Minister, it's not my place, but, er,
563
00:40:31,567 --> 00:40:36,800
previously the acceptable answer has been,
"While one does not seek the office,
564
00:40:36,967 --> 00:40:40,004
"one has pledged oneself
to the service of one's country,
565
00:40:40,167 --> 00:40:44,843
"and if one's friends were to persuade one
that was the best way one could serve,
566
00:40:45,007 --> 00:40:51,799
"one might have to accept the responsibility
whatever one's own private wishes might be."
567
00:40:58,007 --> 00:41:02,683
"...private wishes might be."
Yes, I think I've got that.
568
00:41:02,847 --> 00:41:06,044
So, it's a three-way election, then.
569
00:41:06,207 --> 00:41:10,200
Ideally, it should be an unopposed election.
Unity sits well with the public.
570
00:41:10,367 --> 00:41:13,518
- The party will welcome that.
- Eric and Duncan won't!
571
00:41:13,687 --> 00:41:16,406
Eric and Duncan must be persuaded to withdraw.
572
00:41:17,767 --> 00:41:23,717
- Oh. You mean you'll have a word with them.
- I can't. I haven't seen the files.
573
00:41:23,887 --> 00:41:27,800
- Humphrey, then.
- No, it's an internal party matter.
574
00:41:27,967 --> 00:41:30,845
- It would be most improper.
- Well, who...
575
00:41:32,887 --> 00:41:34,843
You don't mean...?
576
00:41:35,007 --> 00:41:38,158
- I can't!
- No one else can.
577
00:41:38,847 --> 00:41:43,796
You want me to tell one of my colleagues
he's a swindler and the other he's a pervert!
578
00:41:44,767 --> 00:41:49,124
Not in so many words! Say you don't believe
they've done anything wrong.
579
00:41:49,287 --> 00:41:53,678
- Just let them know you know something.
- They'll tell me to mind my own business!
580
00:41:53,847 --> 00:41:59,399
Then you say, as Chairman, it's your duty to see
the information reaches those who need to know.
581
00:41:59,567 --> 00:42:04,960
The Party Executive, major contributors,
elder statesmen, patrons, the Palace, perhaps.
582
00:42:06,127 --> 00:42:10,040
Tell each of them
they have no alternative but to pull out
583
00:42:10,207 --> 00:42:13,244
and support someone who will protect them.
584
00:42:13,407 --> 00:42:16,319
You want me to protect them?
585
00:42:16,487 --> 00:42:20,799
It's nobody else's business
as long as security's not involved.
586
00:42:20,967 --> 00:42:25,995
- I don't have the stomach for the task.
- You have no choice now that you know.
587
00:42:26,167 --> 00:42:30,843
Nobody else knows that I know.
Let's just forget all about it!
588
00:42:31,807 --> 00:42:35,243
- That would be very courageous.
- Courageous? Why?
589
00:42:35,407 --> 00:42:41,118
If anything were to happen and it later emerged
you had the information and suppressed it...
590
00:42:41,287 --> 00:42:46,805
- You mean you'd leak it?
- Covering up for your chums...
591
00:42:46,967 --> 00:42:50,960
Greater love hath no man than this,
that he should lay down his career.
592
00:42:51,127 --> 00:42:53,402
Humphrey, you're threatening me!
593
00:42:55,207 --> 00:42:57,675
No, Minister, I'm helping you.
594
00:42:59,487 --> 00:43:03,685
You see, Jim, there's one other quality
Prime Ministers need.
595
00:43:03,847 --> 00:43:05,883
The killer instinct.
596
00:43:07,127 --> 00:43:09,243
The killer instinct.
597
00:43:09,807 --> 00:43:11,286
Yes.
598
00:43:13,727 --> 00:43:15,479
Ah, thanks.
599
00:43:15,647 --> 00:43:21,119
- Well, here's to Number 10, eh?
- Thanks... I mean, yes.
600
00:43:30,367 --> 00:43:32,085
What's up, Jim?
601
00:43:32,247 --> 00:43:34,158
Duncan...
602
00:43:34,327 --> 00:43:37,524
...I have a problem.
- You're not going to support me.
603
00:43:37,687 --> 00:43:39,757
- Yes. No.
- Yes, no?
604
00:43:39,927 --> 00:43:41,280
Exactly.
605
00:43:41,447 --> 00:43:44,757
Some information has come my way.
606
00:43:44,927 --> 00:43:47,885
- Oh, yes?
- Serious information.
607
00:43:48,047 --> 00:43:54,839
- Concerning your personal... financial operations.
- I beg your pardon?
608
00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:59,046
- About the collapse of Continental and General.
- That was just bad luck.
609
00:43:59,207 --> 00:44:02,404
The transfer of funds
to directors' nominee companies.
610
00:44:02,567 --> 00:44:05,877
- There's nothing wrong with that.
- Technically, but...
611
00:44:06,047 --> 00:44:09,926
...in conjunction with a similar case
at Offshore Securities?
612
00:44:11,807 --> 00:44:15,322
- Where did you get all this?
- Sorry, but if you're running for PM
613
00:44:15,487 --> 00:44:20,925
I shall feel obliged to share what I know
with senior party members.
614
00:44:21,087 --> 00:44:27,037
If it came out into the open, there'd have to be
an enquiry by the Inland Revenue, Fraud Squad.
615
00:44:29,087 --> 00:44:32,636
None of that need matter
if it's all above-board.
616
00:44:32,807 --> 00:44:35,924
And I'm sure it is, if you say so, Duncan.
617
00:44:40,527 --> 00:44:44,406
- There was nothing improper.
- Good, then I'm free to talk about it,
618
00:44:44,567 --> 00:44:47,639
- bring it all out into the open.
- Hold on!
619
00:44:47,807 --> 00:44:51,641
Financial matters can be misinterpreted.
People will misunderstand.
620
00:44:51,807 --> 00:44:53,399
How true.
621
00:44:53,567 --> 00:44:57,845
Look, Jim, I'm not sure
that I really want Number 10.
622
00:44:59,447 --> 00:45:04,282
The Foreign Office is a better job in many ways.
But I won't support Eric.
623
00:45:05,687 --> 00:45:08,155
Suppose Eric didn't get it?
624
00:45:08,967 --> 00:45:14,837
How would it be if you were to transfer
all your support to someone else?
625
00:45:15,007 --> 00:45:16,326
Who?
626
00:45:16,487 --> 00:45:20,002
It would have to be somebody
who recognised your qualities,
627
00:45:20,167 --> 00:45:22,886
who'd want you to stay at the Foreign Office.
628
00:45:23,047 --> 00:45:26,642
Someone who could be discreet
about Continental and General.
629
00:45:27,487 --> 00:45:30,001
Someone you could trust.
630
00:45:30,807 --> 00:45:32,877
An old friend.
631
00:45:36,847 --> 00:45:39,236
Do you mean you?
632
00:45:39,407 --> 00:45:43,525
Me? I have absolutely no ambition
in that direction.
633
00:45:43,687 --> 00:45:45,882
You DO mean you!
634
00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:51,438
- I see.
- You do realise this is serious, Eric?
635
00:45:51,607 --> 00:45:54,997
- Yes. And you're not going to help me, right?
- Yes.
636
00:45:55,167 --> 00:45:57,283
- You are or you're not?
- Yes.
637
00:45:57,447 --> 00:46:01,963
- Jim!
- I'm going to help you, but not to become PM.
638
00:46:02,127 --> 00:46:07,042
- You said you were.
- Until I heard about the lady from Argentina.
639
00:46:07,567 --> 00:46:10,525
- And others.
- I see.
640
00:46:11,007 --> 00:46:13,601
As Party Chairman I have my duty.
641
00:46:13,767 --> 00:46:18,557
It'd be a disaster for the party
if you became PM and all this came out.
642
00:46:18,727 --> 00:46:22,800
I wouldn't care to have to explain it
to Her Majesty.
643
00:46:22,967 --> 00:46:24,798
Would you?
644
00:46:25,807 --> 00:46:27,957
I'll withdraw.
645
00:46:28,127 --> 00:46:30,561
I think that's very sensible.
646
00:46:31,447 --> 00:46:34,439
So we'll say no more about it to anyone.
647
00:46:34,607 --> 00:46:36,359
Thanks, Jim.
648
00:46:36,527 --> 00:46:41,555
- So Duncan will get Number 10. My God!
- Not if I can help it.
649
00:46:41,727 --> 00:46:44,525
- Who, then?
- Cheers.
650
00:46:46,607 --> 00:46:49,644
- You don't mean YOU?
- Me?
651
00:46:49,807 --> 00:46:55,643
Our children are reaching the age where Annie
and I are hoping to spend more time together.
652
00:46:55,807 --> 00:46:57,684
You DO mean you!
653
00:47:00,447 --> 00:47:02,961
- Minister.
- Humphrey, what's the hurry?
654
00:47:03,127 --> 00:47:06,119
I've arranged a brief meeting
with the European Commissioner.
655
00:47:06,287 --> 00:47:08,118
Maurice? He flew out this morning.
656
00:47:08,287 --> 00:47:10,676
- His flight's been delayed.
- So?
657
00:47:10,847 --> 00:47:14,522
We might persuade him
to solve our sausage problem.
658
00:47:14,687 --> 00:47:16,678
- How?
- (PHONE RINGS)
659
00:47:16,847 --> 00:47:19,281
Excuse me... Yes?
660
00:47:19,447 --> 00:47:22,837
Oh, yes, ask him to come in, will you?
Thank you.
661
00:47:24,047 --> 00:47:25,560
Leave it to me.
662
00:47:27,087 --> 00:47:30,363
Just, er, just give me support when I ask for it.
663
00:47:32,367 --> 00:47:35,359
- Ah, Maurice, how nice to see you.
- Humphrey.
664
00:47:35,527 --> 00:47:39,486
- You know each other.
- Jim, to what do I owe this pleasure?
665
00:47:42,247 --> 00:47:45,444
The Minister asked me to arrange this meeting
666
00:47:45,607 --> 00:47:48,963
- to see if you could help us with a problem.
- Problem.
667
00:47:49,127 --> 00:47:50,480
Of course.
668
00:47:50,647 --> 00:47:55,198
The problem is that the EEC
is becoming very unpopular over here.
669
00:47:55,367 --> 00:47:57,437
- Isn't that so?
- Very unpopular.
670
00:47:57,607 --> 00:47:59,643
- You want to restore its image?
- Yes.
671
00:47:59,807 --> 00:48:01,445
- No.
- No.
672
00:48:02,527 --> 00:48:05,997
The Minister feels there would be more votes...
673
00:48:06,167 --> 00:48:09,603
...that he would be better expressing
the views of the British people
674
00:48:09,767 --> 00:48:14,443
by joining the attack on the EEC
rather than leaping to its defence.
675
00:48:14,607 --> 00:48:18,361
- Exactly.
- But your party's committed to support us!
676
00:48:20,367 --> 00:48:23,723
The Minister's point, as I understand it,
677
00:48:23,887 --> 00:48:27,402
is that the commitment
is to the concept and the treaty.
678
00:48:27,567 --> 00:48:30,525
- Treaty.
- It's not committed to the institutions,
679
00:48:30,687 --> 00:48:33,599
nor to the practices, nor to individual policies.
680
00:48:33,767 --> 00:48:38,602
The Minister was giving me an example
the other day, weren't you, Minister?
681
00:48:41,087 --> 00:48:44,397
- About food production.
- Oh, yes.
682
00:48:44,567 --> 00:48:49,561
I've discovered one of your officials
pays farmers to produce masses of surplus food
683
00:48:49,727 --> 00:48:53,037
while the next office pays people
to destroy the surpluses.
684
00:48:53,207 --> 00:48:55,767
- That's not true!
- No?
685
00:48:55,927 --> 00:48:58,805
It's not the next office, not even the same floor!
686
00:49:00,207 --> 00:49:04,439
- The Minister has hundreds of similar examples.
- Hundreds.
687
00:49:04,607 --> 00:49:09,965
The nub of the problem is, the Minister is
starting to think that a member of the Cabinet
688
00:49:10,127 --> 00:49:13,358
ought to start telling
the British people about them.
689
00:49:13,527 --> 00:49:16,041
But that would be intolerable!
690
00:49:16,207 --> 00:49:19,005
Even the Italians wouldn't stoop that low!
691
00:49:19,167 --> 00:49:25,322
The Italians aren't being asked to redesignate
salami as emulsified high-fat offal tubing.
692
00:49:27,247 --> 00:49:28,726
Ah!
693
00:49:30,327 --> 00:49:32,716
And what are you proposing?
694
00:49:32,887 --> 00:49:37,756
After all, we are committed to harmonisation.
We cannot call it a sausage.
695
00:49:37,927 --> 00:49:40,236
What do you suggest?
696
00:49:41,087 --> 00:49:43,806
Well, politics is about presentation.
697
00:49:43,967 --> 00:49:47,198
Why don't we call it "the British sausage"?
698
00:49:47,847 --> 00:49:50,884
British sausage? Saucisse Anglaise.
699
00:49:51,047 --> 00:49:54,437
Salsiccia Inglese. Britisherwurst.
700
00:49:54,607 --> 00:49:59,237
Yes, I think we could...
recommend that to the Commission.
701
00:49:59,407 --> 00:50:00,726
Splendid!
702
00:50:00,887 --> 00:50:05,119
The Minister's always said the EEC
is a splendid institution, haven't you?
703
00:50:05,287 --> 00:50:06,766
Splendid!
704
00:50:12,527 --> 00:50:16,600
- The European correspondents are here now.
- Good. Let 'em in.
705
00:50:16,767 --> 00:50:18,519
Send them in.
706
00:50:18,687 --> 00:50:22,760
- This is about the Euro sausage problem?
- That's right, Bernard.
707
00:50:22,927 --> 00:50:25,760
- That you've solved it.
- No, Bernard.
708
00:50:25,927 --> 00:50:29,840
Solved problems aren't news.
To the press, bad news is good news.
709
00:50:30,007 --> 00:50:34,444
I'm not going to give them a non-story today.
I'll give them a disaster today
710
00:50:34,607 --> 00:50:37,405
- and a triumph tomorrow.
- I see.
711
00:50:38,127 --> 00:50:40,641
- Good morning, gentlemen!
- (ALL) Morning.
712
00:50:40,807 --> 00:50:43,640
Do sit down. Good of you to come.
713
00:50:43,807 --> 00:50:49,564
This is on a lobby basis, non-attributable.
We've got some trouble coming up with Brussels.
714
00:50:49,727 --> 00:50:54,676
Somebody's going to tell you some time,
so I might as well tell you myself.
715
00:50:54,847 --> 00:51:00,285
The trouble is, Brussels is about
to make the British sausage illegal
716
00:51:00,447 --> 00:51:03,200
- under EEC regulations.
- Minister...
717
00:51:03,367 --> 00:51:08,885
...not making the sausage illegal, just the name.
- Thank you, Bernard. I'll deal with that later.
718
00:51:09,047 --> 00:51:12,278
- What do you mean, "illegal"?
- Effectively illegal.
719
00:51:12,447 --> 00:51:17,840
The pork sausage will have to contain
75% lean pork. The same for the beef sausage.
720
00:51:20,887 --> 00:51:23,685
75% lean pork too?
721
00:51:24,287 --> 00:51:26,721
75% lean beef.
722
00:51:26,887 --> 00:51:30,721
- It would make it a luxury food.
- When's this being promulgated?
723
00:51:30,887 --> 00:51:37,042
Next month, probably. They'll deny it, probably
tell you they're just discussing changing its name.
724
00:51:37,207 --> 00:51:40,882
- What is the government going to do?
- I just don't know.
725
00:51:41,047 --> 00:51:43,845
It's a big problem.
I won't pretend we've got an answer.
726
00:51:45,247 --> 00:51:48,000
Well, I must rush. Any more questions?
727
00:51:48,167 --> 00:51:51,398
- When can we use this?
- Tomorrow, as far as I'm concerned.
728
00:51:51,567 --> 00:51:55,845
Bernard will give you a drink
in the press office. Thanks for coming.
729
00:51:56,887 --> 00:52:00,880
You realise the press will be printing
something that isn't true?
730
00:52:01,047 --> 00:52:02,446
Really?
731
00:52:03,247 --> 00:52:05,124
How frightful!
732
00:52:07,807 --> 00:52:12,403
(RADl0) Today's story about the proposed
European ban on the British sausage
733
00:52:12,567 --> 00:52:15,127
has caused a maj'or political storm.
734
00:52:15,287 --> 00:52:18,996
Westminster sources say the sausage
could be another banana skin.
735
00:52:19,167 --> 00:52:22,398
It adds to the government's problems
with the succession.
736
00:52:22,567 --> 00:52:27,277
Members are troubled by the fact that
the two obvious candidates for the leadership
737
00:52:27,447 --> 00:52:30,245
represent the extreme wings of the party.
738
00:52:30,407 --> 00:52:34,685
Pressure is mounting for them to withdraw
in favour of a compromise candidate.
739
00:52:34,847 --> 00:52:39,363
No other contender
seems to have caught the public imagination.
740
00:52:39,527 --> 00:52:42,166
- Now sport...
- Turn it off, Donald.
741
00:52:44,087 --> 00:52:48,717
- Is it true about the compromise candidate?
- I believe so.
742
00:52:48,887 --> 00:52:53,244
- Where DO they get their information?
- I can't imagine, Bernard!
743
00:52:53,407 --> 00:52:56,604
Anyway, I never said compromise.
I said moderate.
744
00:52:57,847 --> 00:53:02,682
Incidentally, why are BBC TV and ITN
covering your speech this evening?
745
00:53:02,847 --> 00:53:04,838
I can't imagine, Bernard.
746
00:53:05,007 --> 00:53:10,639
I know that fire and safety policy in government
buildings is awfully important, but...
747
00:53:10,807 --> 00:53:15,164
Maybe someone suggested
I was going to raise other issues as well.
748
00:53:15,687 --> 00:53:19,282
- Who?
- I can't imagine, Bernard.
749
00:53:21,967 --> 00:53:26,279
I am a good European.
I believe in the European ideal.
750
00:53:26,447 --> 00:53:31,282
Never again shall we repeat the bloodshed
of the two world wars.
751
00:53:31,447 --> 00:53:34,007
Europe is here to stay.
752
00:53:34,167 --> 00:53:39,241
But this does not mean that
we have to bow the knee to every directive
753
00:53:39,407 --> 00:53:42,717
from every little bureaucratic Bonaparte
in Brussels.
754
00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:47,324
We are a sovereign nation still.
We are British and proud of it!
755
00:53:51,127 --> 00:53:55,484
We have made enough concessions
to the European Commissar for Agriculture.
756
00:53:55,647 --> 00:53:59,196
When I say Commissar, I use the word advisedly.
757
00:53:59,367 --> 00:54:02,643
We've swallowed the wine lake
and the butter mountain,
758
00:54:02,807 --> 00:54:06,561
we've watched our French friends
beating up British lorry drivers
759
00:54:06,727 --> 00:54:09,036
carrying British lamb to the French.
760
00:54:09,207 --> 00:54:12,438
We have bowed and scraped, doffed our caps,
761
00:54:12,607 --> 00:54:17,635
tugged our forelocks and turned the other cheek,
but I say enough is enough!
762
00:54:20,567 --> 00:54:25,402
The Europeans have gone too far.
They are now threatening the British sausage.
763
00:54:25,567 --> 00:54:31,358
They want to standardise it, by which they mean
they'll force us to eat salami and bratwurst
764
00:54:31,527 --> 00:54:36,999
and other garlic-ridden greasy foods
that are totally alien to the British way of life.
765
00:54:37,167 --> 00:54:41,285
Do you want salami for breakfast
with your egg and bacon? I don't! I won't!
766
00:54:44,407 --> 00:54:49,003
They've turned our pints into litres
and our yards into metres.
767
00:54:49,167 --> 00:54:53,399
We gave up the tanner, the threepenny bit,
the two-bob piece and the half crown,
768
00:54:53,567 --> 00:54:57,276
but they cannot and WILL not
destroy the British sausage.
769
00:55:00,007 --> 00:55:01,804
Not while I'm here!
770
00:55:04,367 --> 00:55:09,600
In the words of Martin Luther, here I stand.
I can do no more.
771
00:55:15,287 --> 00:55:18,802
- Strong stuff, Minister.
- I feel strongly about it.
772
00:55:18,967 --> 00:55:23,802
I sometimes wonder whether you media people
realise how strongly we others feel
773
00:55:23,967 --> 00:55:27,642
about Britain, about our country.
We love it and we're proud of it.
774
00:55:27,807 --> 00:55:30,879
You're at odds with government policy
over the EEC?
775
00:55:31,047 --> 00:55:34,357
I'm very happy with government policy,
Sir Ludovic.
776
00:55:34,527 --> 00:55:40,284
Just a guess. But it's never been government
policy to abolish the British sausage.
777
00:55:40,447 --> 00:55:44,565
Sausages are not only good to eat,
they're full of top-quality nourishment.
778
00:55:44,727 --> 00:55:48,402
Brussels denies wanting
to abolish the British sausage.
779
00:55:48,567 --> 00:55:53,277
They would. They know what they're up against.
They know the strength of British opinion.
780
00:55:53,447 --> 00:55:56,644
Your speech got a lot of coverage
and a lot of praise.
781
00:55:56,807 --> 00:56:00,402
- Was there any significance in the timing?
- Sorry?
782
00:56:00,567 --> 00:56:05,516
Your party is looking for a new leader
and your name's been mentioned a few times.
783
00:56:05,687 --> 00:56:08,440
Oh. Quite a lot, I believe.
784
00:56:09,367 --> 00:56:12,439
But no, I've no ambitions at all in that direction.
785
00:56:12,607 --> 00:56:15,485
So you definitely won't let your name go forward?
786
00:56:16,767 --> 00:56:18,962
Well, Ludo... All I've...
787
00:56:21,087 --> 00:56:25,763
All I've ever wanted to do is serve my country.
I've never sought office.
788
00:56:25,927 --> 00:56:30,955
But if my colleagues persuaded me the best
place to serve it from was 10 Downing Street,
789
00:56:31,127 --> 00:56:35,837
I might perhaps reluctantly be persuaded
to undertake the responsibility
790
00:56:36,007 --> 00:56:38,885
whatever my own private wishes might be.
791
00:56:39,047 --> 00:56:42,403
If you're not in the running, who will you vote for?
792
00:56:42,567 --> 00:56:46,276
Well, it's far too early to say. But I will say this.
793
00:56:46,447 --> 00:56:48,802
This is a time for healing.
794
00:56:48,967 --> 00:56:55,122
A time to stress what we agree about,
not what we disagree about.
795
00:56:55,287 --> 00:57:00,680
We should be looking for the good
in our opponents, not always looking for faults.
796
00:57:00,847 --> 00:57:03,964
There's good in everyone, you know, Ludo.
797
00:57:05,287 --> 00:57:07,926
- Except the French!
- Except...
798
00:57:12,047 --> 00:57:14,038
Even the French.
799
00:57:21,287 --> 00:57:25,565
Minister, a message came from Central House
while you were in committee.
800
00:57:25,727 --> 00:57:27,046
Yes?
801
00:57:27,207 --> 00:57:30,995
- They brought the party meeting forward.
- Brought it forward?
802
00:57:31,167 --> 00:57:36,924
The committee will decide if they're going to
bring up another candidate to oppose you.
803
00:57:37,087 --> 00:57:43,276
- The Chief Whip will phone as soon as it's over.
- W-W-Will he... W-What will they... What if...
804
00:57:43,447 --> 00:57:45,836
Which phone?
805
00:57:46,007 --> 00:57:48,043
- What?
- Which phone will he ring on?
806
00:57:48,207 --> 00:57:50,767
Oh. Er, this one, probably.
807
00:57:51,767 --> 00:57:53,405
Or this one.
808
00:57:54,847 --> 00:57:56,326
Either, really.
809
00:57:56,487 --> 00:58:00,446
If Duncan and Eric withdraw,
which they will, they might not support me.
810
00:58:00,607 --> 00:58:05,078
- That means an election.
- You're the favourite candidate for both sides,
811
00:58:05,247 --> 00:58:08,205
- so you'll be unopposed.
- That's what they say.
812
00:58:09,407 --> 00:58:12,160
Oh, well... No point in worrying about it.
813
00:58:13,607 --> 00:58:17,282
- Might as well sit down and relax.
- (PHONE RINGS)
814
00:58:18,927 --> 00:58:20,440
Yes?
815
00:58:22,007 --> 00:58:23,440
Yes.
816
00:58:25,647 --> 00:58:26,966
Yes.
817
00:58:29,087 --> 00:58:30,406
Yes.
818
00:58:30,567 --> 00:58:33,081
Bernard has an urgent message.
819
00:58:33,807 --> 00:58:36,605
Minister, the Palace have been on the phone.
820
00:58:36,767 --> 00:58:40,999
- The Palace? Why?
- Will you be free to kiss hands at five o'clock?
821
00:58:41,167 --> 00:58:43,886
In the event of an unopposed recommendation.
822
00:58:44,047 --> 00:58:45,366
Well, I...
823
00:58:47,687 --> 00:58:50,565
I think I might be able to make that.
824
00:59:00,567 --> 00:59:02,364
Bernard...
825
00:59:02,527 --> 00:59:05,041
Supposing... You know if I...
826
00:59:06,767 --> 00:59:08,086
Er...
827
00:59:08,247 --> 00:59:11,000
I'd still want a Principal Private Secretary.
828
00:59:12,487 --> 00:59:15,365
- Do you think, er...
- Oh, Minister.
829
00:59:16,367 --> 00:59:17,800
Gosh!
830
00:59:19,887 --> 00:59:22,924
- That'll be all right, won't it, Humphrey?
- Well...
831
00:59:23,087 --> 00:59:25,442
The Prime Minister's word is law.
832
00:59:29,087 --> 00:59:31,601
(PHONE RINGS)
833
00:59:32,887 --> 00:59:34,206
Yes?
834
00:59:36,007 --> 00:59:37,326
Yes.
835
00:59:38,447 --> 00:59:39,766
Yes.
836
00:59:41,247 --> 00:59:43,044
Yes, he's here.
837
00:59:45,287 --> 00:59:47,164
I'll tell him.
838
00:59:47,927 --> 00:59:50,487
It... It... It... Is...
839
00:59:51,487 --> 00:59:53,603
Is it me?
840
00:59:53,767 --> 00:59:56,076
Yes, Prime Minister!
841
01:01:45,726 --> 01:01:48,115
What time is he coming?
842
01:01:48,286 --> 01:01:51,198
Any time. Should be here now.
843
01:01:51,726 --> 01:01:56,038
- Perhaps something's happened to him.
- You think he's missed his bus?
844
01:01:56,206 --> 01:01:57,878
No, no, no.
845
01:01:58,046 --> 01:02:02,756
I mean something may have... happened.
846
01:02:06,166 --> 01:02:07,963
Who is he, exactly?
847
01:02:08,126 --> 01:02:13,120
All I know is he's an army officer with something
to tell me he wouldn't divulge on the phone.
848
01:02:13,286 --> 01:02:15,516
- It's probably nothing.
- Perhaps.
849
01:02:15,686 --> 01:02:18,120
Remember Churchill, the wilderness years?
850
01:02:18,926 --> 01:02:23,636
He found out about our military inadequacy
from army officers.
851
01:02:23,806 --> 01:02:28,197
So while he was in the wilderness
he could leak stories to the press
852
01:02:28,366 --> 01:02:31,563
and embarrass the government. I could do that!
853
01:02:32,846 --> 01:02:35,406
But you're IN the government.
854
01:02:36,726 --> 01:02:38,364
Oh, yes!
855
01:02:39,206 --> 01:02:40,844
(DOORBELL)
856
01:02:41,006 --> 01:02:42,758
I'll get it.
857
01:02:49,086 --> 01:02:51,361
- Major Saunders?
- Yes, sir.
858
01:02:51,526 --> 01:02:53,164
Come in.
859
01:02:58,446 --> 01:03:00,118
Follow me.
860
01:03:03,806 --> 01:03:07,560
- It's all right. My wife, Annie.
- Good evening.
861
01:03:07,726 --> 01:03:09,523
- Drink?
- Thanks.
862
01:03:09,686 --> 01:03:11,005
- Scotch?
- Thanks.
863
01:03:11,166 --> 01:03:12,997
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
864
01:03:14,046 --> 01:03:17,675
- No need to keep thanking me.
- Thanks. I mean, sorry.
865
01:03:17,846 --> 01:03:21,521
- No need to apologise, either.
- Sorry. I mean, thanks.
866
01:03:21,686 --> 01:03:26,157
- Shall I go and let you talk in private?
- Please stay, if that's OK with you.
867
01:03:26,326 --> 01:03:31,480
- Yes. No secrets from Annie. I tell her everything.
- Several times, usually!
868
01:03:33,126 --> 01:03:37,404
- So, is this highly confidential?
- It is, rather, yes.
869
01:03:37,566 --> 01:03:40,956
- Shall I turn on the radio?
- Is there something good on?
870
01:03:43,006 --> 01:03:47,079
- In case we're being bugged.
- Oh. Is that likely?
871
01:03:47,246 --> 01:03:50,636
- Who's in charge of bugging politicians?
- Ah...
872
01:03:50,806 --> 01:03:53,320
Yes, come to think of it, I am!
873
01:03:53,486 --> 01:03:55,363
That's all right, then.
874
01:03:56,966 --> 01:04:01,835
Could I say that what I'm about
to tell you I'm telling you on a personal basis?
875
01:04:02,006 --> 01:04:04,804
Fine... What do you mean, exactly?
876
01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:08,800
I'm telling you personally
and not as Minister for Administrative Affairs.
877
01:04:08,966 --> 01:04:13,596
- But I am Minister of Administrative Affairs.
- But I'm not telling you in that role.
878
01:04:13,766 --> 01:04:19,079
- I'm telling you as a journalist.
- Journalist? I thought you were an army officer?
879
01:04:19,246 --> 01:04:23,239
- No, YOU'RE a journalist.
- I'm a minister.
880
01:04:23,846 --> 01:04:27,361
But what were you
before you became a minister?
881
01:04:27,526 --> 01:04:30,404
Your starter for ten, no conferring!
882
01:04:30,566 --> 01:04:32,079
I get your drift.
883
01:04:32,246 --> 01:04:36,876
You're telling me what you're telling me,
though I don't know yet what you're telling me,
884
01:04:37,046 --> 01:04:39,401
as the former editor of "Reform".
885
01:04:39,566 --> 01:04:41,841
Yes. You were a very fine editor.
886
01:04:42,006 --> 01:04:44,725
- I wouldn't say that.
- You've often said that!
887
01:04:45,566 --> 01:04:51,516
But how do I prevent myself, as a minister, from
knowing what you'll tell me as a former editor?
888
01:04:51,686 --> 01:04:54,246
I can't prevent the minister from knowing.
889
01:04:54,406 --> 01:04:57,159
- He means it's a question of hats.
- Yes.
890
01:04:57,326 --> 01:05:01,604
I'm not wearing my ministerial hat tonight,
but I ought to warn you,
891
01:05:01,766 --> 01:05:07,204
if I need to be told what you tell me, I shan't
hesitate in my duty to keep myself informed!
892
01:05:10,686 --> 01:05:15,282
Fine. Now, who's in charge
of selling British weapons to foreigners?
893
01:05:15,446 --> 01:05:18,040
- Bzzz. Hacker, LSE.
- Shut up, Annie.
894
01:05:21,126 --> 01:05:26,883
You wrote an article in "Reform" about the sale
of British weapons to undesirable foreigners.
895
01:05:27,046 --> 01:05:29,685
Yes, it was called "The Dreadful Trade".
896
01:05:29,846 --> 01:05:34,237
Perfectly patriotic to manufacture arms
for our own defence or our allies'.
897
01:05:34,406 --> 01:05:37,239
Although not all our allies are very commendable.
898
01:05:37,406 --> 01:05:44,118
But we must not sell weapons to bolster
the regimes of foreign despots, Nazi dictators...
899
01:05:44,286 --> 01:05:47,164
- Or terrorists.
- Terroris... Terrorists?
900
01:05:48,406 --> 01:05:52,718
Terrorists. As I told you,
I've recently returned from Rome.
901
01:05:52,886 --> 01:05:56,595
- NATO, wasn't it?
- A military delegation to NATO.
902
01:05:56,766 --> 01:06:02,284
While I was there, they showed me something
they'd captured in a raid on a terrorist HQ.
903
01:06:02,446 --> 01:06:07,725
It was a computerised bomb detonator.
Very new, very secret, and very lethal.
904
01:06:07,886 --> 01:06:12,437
- Who showed it to you?
- I can't possibly say. It's a confidence.
905
01:06:12,606 --> 01:06:15,439
I see. Computerised bomb detonator?
906
01:06:15,606 --> 01:06:20,885
You set it to calculate the weight of the victim,
speed of his car, so you're sure to get him,
907
01:06:21,046 --> 01:06:25,756
and you can reprogram it remotely,
by radio, after setting it.
908
01:06:25,926 --> 01:06:30,124
Gosh. I don't associate Italians
with that sort of technology!
909
01:06:32,766 --> 01:06:37,999
- It wasn't made in Italy. It was made here.
- Made in Britain?
910
01:06:38,166 --> 01:06:42,637
Under a Ministry of Defence contract
and paid for by the British taxpayer.
911
01:06:42,806 --> 01:06:45,559
- And used by Italian terrorists?
- Yes.
912
01:06:45,726 --> 01:06:48,604
- Where did they get them?
- That's what I want to know.
913
01:06:48,766 --> 01:06:51,200
You haven't told anybody else?
914
01:06:51,366 --> 01:06:54,961
If I make an official report,
I have to disclose my sources.
915
01:06:55,126 --> 01:06:58,118
But if I tell someone
near the top of government...
916
01:06:58,286 --> 01:07:00,880
Er, AT the top, actually.
917
01:07:03,166 --> 01:07:07,364
Yes... that secret British equipment
was being supplied to Italian terrorists,
918
01:07:07,526 --> 01:07:10,245
- then he would, er...
- Absolutely.
919
01:07:10,406 --> 01:07:12,442
What would he?
920
01:07:13,246 --> 01:07:18,479
Find out how it's being done. The investigation
would have to start in Britain at the top level.
921
01:07:18,646 --> 01:07:20,204
Fine.
922
01:07:20,366 --> 01:07:24,439
But you told me you were telling me
on a personal level.
923
01:07:24,606 --> 01:07:30,238
Yes, but now you know personally, if not officially,
you can use your personal knowledge
924
01:07:30,406 --> 01:07:35,196
to start official investigations
to get official confirmation of personal suspicions
925
01:07:35,366 --> 01:07:38,676
so what you now know personally,
but not officially,
926
01:07:38,846 --> 01:07:42,122
you will then know officially as well as personally.
927
01:07:42,286 --> 01:07:45,596
You're not related to Sir Humphrey Appleby
by any chance?
928
01:07:46,806 --> 01:07:49,036
- Who?
- Never mind!
929
01:07:49,206 --> 01:07:52,357
- I felt I had to tell someone.
- Absolutely.
930
01:07:52,526 --> 01:07:56,075
Well, now I know, personally.
931
01:07:56,246 --> 01:07:59,556
Marvellous. Going to do something
about it, aren't you?
932
01:08:00,646 --> 01:08:03,479
- Absolutely, indeed I am.
- Right away?
933
01:08:03,646 --> 01:08:05,477
Right away.
934
01:08:07,006 --> 01:08:09,315
What are you going to do?
935
01:08:10,846 --> 01:08:14,839
I'm going to think
about what you've told me. Right away.
936
01:08:16,806 --> 01:08:22,881
- And then?
- Then I will consider various courses of action.
937
01:08:23,046 --> 01:08:26,482
- Without delay.
- You'll take action without delay.
938
01:08:26,646 --> 01:08:31,640
- I will consider taking action without delay.
- Are you related to Sir Humphrey Appleby?
939
01:08:31,806 --> 01:08:35,401
- Like another drink?
- No, I must be off.
940
01:08:35,566 --> 01:08:40,321
- Can I rely on you to tackle this shocking matter?
- Indeed you can.
941
01:08:41,046 --> 01:08:43,162
- Goodbye.
- Goodnight.
942
01:08:44,726 --> 01:08:47,843
- Goodnight, Major.
- Goodnight, sir.
943
01:08:55,126 --> 01:08:57,356
- What do you think?
- You'll do something?
944
01:08:57,526 --> 01:08:59,801
I certainly will, if it's right.
945
01:08:59,966 --> 01:09:02,605
But I can't believe it's true.
946
01:09:02,766 --> 01:09:04,916
Could it happen?
947
01:09:05,566 --> 01:09:07,761
Couldn't. Could it?
948
01:09:08,766 --> 01:09:13,840
It's not just that it shouldn't. It couldn't.
And if it could, it wouldn't. Would it?
949
01:09:14,006 --> 01:09:17,123
You ARE related to Sir Humphrey Appleby!
950
01:09:19,566 --> 01:09:24,924
Humphrey, I must talk to you about something
which concerns me deeply.
951
01:09:25,086 --> 01:09:27,395
Really profoundly important.
952
01:09:27,566 --> 01:09:32,481
The amendment to the order on stock control
in government establishments?
953
01:09:32,646 --> 01:09:37,162
The procedure for renewal of local authority
leaseholds in development areas?
954
01:09:37,326 --> 01:09:42,241
No, what concerns me is a great issue
really of life and death.
955
01:09:42,406 --> 01:09:44,966
Shouldn't that wait till after work?
956
01:09:46,566 --> 01:09:50,115
- It is work.
- Really? Please go on.
957
01:09:50,286 --> 01:09:54,723
How do British armaments manufacturers
sell their arms to foreigners?
958
01:09:54,886 --> 01:09:58,481
You get an export licence
from the Department of Trade.
959
01:09:58,646 --> 01:10:01,114
Private firms can sell their arms abroad?
960
01:10:01,286 --> 01:10:04,437
- Companies and government agencies.
- To whom?
961
01:10:04,606 --> 01:10:07,120
- Foreign governments, usually.
- Is that all?
962
01:10:07,286 --> 01:10:10,562
Well, sometimes you can sell
to an arms dealer, third party.
963
01:10:10,726 --> 01:10:14,958
A man in Manchester buys
on behalf of a party in the Channel Islands
964
01:10:15,126 --> 01:10:16,923
with contacts in Luxembourg...
965
01:10:17,086 --> 01:10:20,283
There's no real control
over who the arms go to in the end?
966
01:10:20,446 --> 01:10:24,837
Indeed there is. The dealer has to provide
an end user certificate
967
01:10:25,006 --> 01:10:28,157
which is a signature
acceptable to the government
968
01:10:28,326 --> 01:10:31,238
that the ultimate customer is an approved user.
969
01:10:31,406 --> 01:10:33,044
Is that a real guarantee?
970
01:10:33,206 --> 01:10:38,439
Would you be surprised if a British aircraft
carrier turned up in the Central African Republic?
971
01:10:40,446 --> 01:10:44,439
I, for one, Minister, would be very surprised.
It's 1,000 miles inland!
972
01:10:47,606 --> 01:10:51,315
You know what I mean.
What about smaller weapons?
973
01:10:51,486 --> 01:10:56,560
It's officially impossible. Stringent security,
rigorous inspections, meticulous scrutiny.
974
01:10:56,726 --> 01:10:58,876
You mean it's all a facade?
975
01:11:02,686 --> 01:11:04,005
Ah.
976
01:11:04,166 --> 01:11:10,036
- I think this conversation should end here.
- No, it's as I thought.
977
01:11:10,206 --> 01:11:16,839
A confidential source has disclosed to me that
British arms are being sold to Italian terrorists.
978
01:11:17,006 --> 01:11:20,760
I see. May I ask
who this confidential source was?
979
01:11:20,926 --> 01:11:23,486
Humphrey, I said it was confidential.
980
01:11:23,646 --> 01:11:27,639
Sorry. I naturally assumed
that meant you were going to tell me.
981
01:11:28,366 --> 01:11:32,723
- You don't seem worried.
- It happens all the time. It's not our problem.
982
01:11:32,886 --> 01:11:36,276
So does robbery with violence.
Does that worry you?
983
01:11:36,446 --> 01:11:38,482
No, Minister. Home Office problem.
984
01:11:39,326 --> 01:11:43,399
Humphrey, we're letting terrorists
have murderous weapons!
985
01:11:43,566 --> 01:11:45,955
- WE'RE not.
- Well, who is?
986
01:11:46,126 --> 01:11:49,880
Who knows? Department of Trade?
Ministry of Defence? Foreign Office?
987
01:11:50,046 --> 01:11:52,685
We, Humphrey, the British government.
988
01:11:52,846 --> 01:11:57,124
Innocent lives set at risk by British arms
in the hands of terrorists.
989
01:11:57,646 --> 01:12:00,638
Only Italian lives, not British lives, Minister.
990
01:12:01,526 --> 01:12:05,405
- Could be British tourists abroad.
- Tourists? Foreign Office problem.
991
01:12:05,566 --> 01:12:09,923
- Humphrey, we have to do something.
- With respect, we have to do nothing.
992
01:12:10,086 --> 01:12:12,839
- What do you mean?
- The sale of arms abroad
993
01:12:13,006 --> 01:12:16,282
is one area of government
we do not examine too closely.
994
01:12:16,446 --> 01:12:18,880
- I have to, now I know.
- Say you don't know.
995
01:12:19,046 --> 01:12:21,958
- Are you suggesting I lie?
- Not you, Minister, no.
996
01:12:22,126 --> 01:12:25,277
- Well, who should lie?
- Sleeping dogs, Minister.
997
01:12:27,086 --> 01:12:29,680
- I'm going to raise this.
- No, I beg you.
998
01:12:29,846 --> 01:12:33,725
A rule of government is never look
into anything you don't have to,
999
01:12:33,886 --> 01:12:37,356
never start an enquiry
unless you know what its findings will be.
1000
01:12:37,526 --> 01:12:40,677
I can't believe this!
We're talking about good and evil.
1001
01:12:40,846 --> 01:12:43,724
- Church of England problem.
- No, Humphrey!
1002
01:12:43,886 --> 01:12:50,519
- Our problem. We are discussing right and wrong.
- I'm not. It's misuse of government time.
1003
01:12:53,166 --> 01:12:57,921
- Selling arms to terrorists is wrong.
- Either you sell arms or you don't.
1004
01:12:58,086 --> 01:13:02,079
If you sell them,
they end up with people who can afford them.
1005
01:13:02,246 --> 01:13:04,680
But not terrorists?
1006
01:13:04,846 --> 01:13:09,476
I suppose we could put
a government health warning on the rifle butts!
1007
01:13:10,166 --> 01:13:13,158
"This gun can seriously damage your health."
1008
01:13:13,326 --> 01:13:18,525
You may take this lightly, but we cannot close
our eyes to something as morally wrong as this.
1009
01:13:18,686 --> 01:13:21,280
If you insist on discussing moral issues,
1010
01:13:21,446 --> 01:13:26,122
something is either morally wrong or it isn't.
It can't be slightly morally wrong.
1011
01:13:26,286 --> 01:13:30,040
- Don't quibble.
- Government isn't about morality.
1012
01:13:30,206 --> 01:13:34,802
- Really? What is it about?
- Stability. Keeping things going.
1013
01:13:34,966 --> 01:13:39,244
Preventing anarchy. Stopping society
falling to bits. Still being here tomorrow.
1014
01:13:39,406 --> 01:13:41,715
- What for?
- I beg your pardon?
1015
01:13:41,886 --> 01:13:45,322
What is the purpose of government
if not for doing good?
1016
01:13:45,486 --> 01:13:49,638
Government isn't about good and evil.
It's about order or chaos.
1017
01:13:49,806 --> 01:13:54,322
It's in order for Italian terrorists
to get British bombs?
1018
01:13:54,486 --> 01:13:57,125
- You don't care?
- It's not my job to care.
1019
01:13:57,286 --> 01:14:01,199
That's what politicians are for.
My job is to carry out policy.
1020
01:14:01,366 --> 01:14:06,440
- Even if you think it's wrong?
- Almost all government policy is wrong, but...
1021
01:14:06,606 --> 01:14:09,120
...frightfully well carried out!
1022
01:14:11,326 --> 01:14:15,160
Have you ever known a civil servant
resign on a matter of principle?
1023
01:14:15,886 --> 01:14:18,923
I should think not! What an appalling suggestion!
1024
01:14:20,726 --> 01:14:26,198
For the first time, I fully understand that you
are purely committed to means and not ends!
1025
01:14:26,366 --> 01:14:31,486
As far as I'm concerned, and all my colleagues,
there is no difference between means and ends.
1026
01:14:31,646 --> 01:14:35,275
If you believe that, Humphrey, you will go to hell.
1027
01:14:38,526 --> 01:14:41,518
Minister, I had no idea you had a theological bent.
1028
01:14:42,846 --> 01:14:47,442
- You are a moral vacuum.
- If you say so, Minister.
1029
01:14:47,606 --> 01:14:51,963
- Time for your lunch appointment.
- You're keeping very quiet, Bernard.
1030
01:14:52,126 --> 01:14:55,482
- What would you do about all this?
- I would keep very quiet.
1031
01:14:56,846 --> 01:15:01,317
- So may we drop the matter of arms sales?
- No, we may not!
1032
01:15:01,486 --> 01:15:06,321
I'm going to tell the Prime Minister personally.
Make an appointment, Bernard.
1033
01:15:06,486 --> 01:15:09,284
This is the sort of thing he wants to know about.
1034
01:15:09,446 --> 01:15:13,758
I assure you, this is the sort of thing
he wants NOT to know about.
1035
01:15:13,926 --> 01:15:16,520
We shall see about that.
1036
01:15:18,886 --> 01:15:20,524
Indeed we will.
1037
01:15:22,606 --> 01:15:24,403
What's the matter, Bernard?
1038
01:15:24,566 --> 01:15:27,478
- Nothing really, Sir Humphrey.
- You look unhappy.
1039
01:15:27,646 --> 01:15:32,515
- I was wondering if the minister was right.
- Very unlikely. What about?
1040
01:15:32,686 --> 01:15:37,282
About ends and means.
Will I end up as a moral vacuum, too?
1041
01:15:39,886 --> 01:15:42,116
Oh, I hope so, Bernard.
1042
01:15:44,086 --> 01:15:46,441
If you work hard enough.
1043
01:15:46,606 --> 01:15:49,200
Makes me feel rather downcast.
1044
01:15:49,366 --> 01:15:53,644
If it's our job to carry out government policies,
shouldn't we believe in them?
1045
01:15:53,806 --> 01:15:56,525
Oh, what an extraordinary idea!
1046
01:15:57,246 --> 01:15:59,396
- Why?
- Bernard...
1047
01:15:59,566 --> 01:16:06,165
I have served 11 governments in the past
30 years. If I'd believed in all their policies,
1048
01:16:06,326 --> 01:16:10,638
I'd have been passionately committed
to keeping out of the Common Market,
1049
01:16:10,806 --> 01:16:13,366
and passionately committed to joining it.
1050
01:16:13,526 --> 01:16:17,485
I'd have been utterly convinced
of the rightness of nationalising steel
1051
01:16:17,646 --> 01:16:20,285
and of denationalising it and renationalising it.
1052
01:16:21,366 --> 01:16:26,394
Capital punishment? I'd have been a fervent
retentionist and an ardent abolitionist.
1053
01:16:26,566 --> 01:16:31,515
I'd have been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite,
a grammar school preserver and destroyer,
1054
01:16:31,686 --> 01:16:35,076
a nationalisation freak and a privatisation maniac,
1055
01:16:35,246 --> 01:16:40,001
but above all, I would have been
a stark-staring raving schizophrenic!
1056
01:16:40,766 --> 01:16:42,722
So what do we believe in?
1057
01:16:42,886 --> 01:16:49,041
At this moment, Bernard, we believe in stopping
the minister from informing the Prime Minister.
1058
01:16:49,206 --> 01:16:52,881
- But why?
- Because once the Prime Minister knows,
1059
01:16:53,046 --> 01:16:56,038
there will have to be an enquiry, like Watergate.
1060
01:16:56,206 --> 01:17:00,722
The investigation of a trivial break-in
led to one ghastly revelation after another
1061
01:17:00,886 --> 01:17:03,764
and finally the downfall of a president.
1062
01:17:03,926 --> 01:17:07,601
The golden rule is don't lift lids off cans of worms.
1063
01:17:07,766 --> 01:17:11,315
- No, Sir Humphrey.
- Everything is connected to everything else.
1064
01:17:11,486 --> 01:17:14,046
- Who said that?
- The Cabinet Secretary?
1065
01:17:14,926 --> 01:17:17,520
Nearly right. Actually, it was Lenin.
1066
01:17:19,886 --> 01:17:23,720
How do you stop a Cabinet Minister
talking to a Prime Minister?
1067
01:17:23,886 --> 01:17:26,798
- Interesting question. You tell me.
- I don't know.
1068
01:17:26,966 --> 01:17:29,844
Work it out. You're supposed to be a high-flier.
1069
01:17:30,006 --> 01:17:34,841
Or are you really a low-flier
supported by occasional gusts of wind?
1070
01:17:36,606 --> 01:17:41,521
Well, YOU can't stop the minister
seeing the PM, can you?
1071
01:17:41,686 --> 01:17:44,883
- I can't.
- Nor can the private office at No. 10.
1072
01:17:45,046 --> 01:17:48,277
- Correct.
- It has to be someone high up in government.
1073
01:17:48,446 --> 01:17:51,085
- Getting warmer.
- Someone close to the PM.
1074
01:17:51,246 --> 01:17:54,079
Someone who can frighten the minister...
1075
01:17:54,246 --> 01:17:57,238
- The Chief Whip?
- Excellent, you've learnt a lot.
1076
01:17:57,406 --> 01:18:00,955
- So, how do you crack the whip?
- I'm sorry?
1077
01:18:02,166 --> 01:18:04,964
How do you mobilise the Chief Whip?
1078
01:18:05,126 --> 01:18:09,483
The minister's asked me to phone
the PM's private office for an appointment,
1079
01:18:09,646 --> 01:18:12,638
so if you had a word with the Cabinet Secretary,
1080
01:18:12,806 --> 01:18:17,834
and he had a word with the diary secretary,
and they all had a word with the Whip's office...
1081
01:18:19,846 --> 01:18:24,681
...then when the minister arrived, the Whip
could meet him and say the PM is busy
1082
01:18:24,846 --> 01:18:28,316
and asked him to have a word
with the minister instead.
1083
01:18:29,046 --> 01:18:31,162
Excellent, Bernard.
1084
01:18:31,966 --> 01:18:34,958
You should have taken a degree in engineering!
1085
01:18:36,086 --> 01:18:39,681
- What are you doing?
- You wanted the Cabinet Secretary.
1086
01:18:39,846 --> 01:18:43,839
I do, indeed. Now, do you,
as the minister's private secretary,
1087
01:18:44,006 --> 01:18:47,999
feel obliged to tell the minister
of this conversation?
1088
01:18:50,126 --> 01:18:52,003
What conversation?
1089
01:18:53,926 --> 01:18:56,918
Well done, Bernard. You'll be a moral vacuum yet!
1090
01:19:04,966 --> 01:19:06,445
Ah, Jim.
1091
01:19:06,606 --> 01:19:08,881
My dear chap, how nice to see you.
1092
01:19:09,046 --> 01:19:12,959
- Vic, I was hoping to see the Prime Minister.
- Yes.
1093
01:19:13,126 --> 01:19:16,596
The PM's rather busy today.
Asked me to see you instead.
1094
01:19:16,766 --> 01:19:19,326
Vic, it's not a matter for the Chief Whip.
1095
01:19:19,486 --> 01:19:23,798
The PM asked me to have a preliminary
conversation and write a background note.
1096
01:19:23,966 --> 01:19:26,434
- Save time later.
- Oh.
1097
01:19:29,886 --> 01:19:33,799
Well, I've been given
some pretty dramatic information.
1098
01:19:33,966 --> 01:19:35,365
Go on.
1099
01:19:35,526 --> 01:19:40,475
The Italian Red Terrorists are being supplied
with top secret bomb detonators
1100
01:19:40,646 --> 01:19:43,843
made in this country, in a government factory.
1101
01:19:44,006 --> 01:19:49,285
- And you feel you should tell the PM?
- Yes, the PM's head of security.
1102
01:19:49,446 --> 01:19:53,280
I don't think it's anything
to burden the PM with. Let's hold it over.
1103
01:19:53,446 --> 01:19:56,836
- Forget all about it?
- That's my recommendation.
1104
01:19:57,566 --> 01:20:01,354
I'm sorry, Vic, I can't accept it.
The PM must be told.
1105
01:20:02,646 --> 01:20:06,355
- If the PM is told, there'd have to be an enquiry.
- Exactly.
1106
01:20:06,526 --> 01:20:09,916
Perhaps revealing other undesirable -
even hostile - governments
1107
01:20:10,086 --> 01:20:13,635
- had been supplied with British-made arms.
- Seriously?
1108
01:20:13,806 --> 01:20:17,765
Perhaps. It might be highly embarrassing
to our Cabinet colleagues -
1109
01:20:17,926 --> 01:20:22,761
Foreign Secretary, Defence Secretary,
Trade Secretary, and to the PM personally.
1110
01:20:23,846 --> 01:20:28,761
Doing the right thing might be embarrassing
sometimes, but that's no reason for not doing it.
1111
01:20:29,806 --> 01:20:33,276
You know we already sell arms
to Syria, Chile, Iran?
1112
01:20:33,446 --> 01:20:36,802
- It's officially approved.
- You like what they do with them?
1113
01:20:36,966 --> 01:20:39,685
Well, obviously not entirely.
1114
01:20:40,086 --> 01:20:46,559
- Either you're in the arms business or you're not!
- If being in it means arming terrorists,
1115
01:20:46,726 --> 01:20:49,718
- we should be out, it's immoral.
- Oh, great!
1116
01:20:49,886 --> 01:20:51,478
Great!
1117
01:20:52,006 --> 01:20:55,476
Is it moral to put 100,000 British workers
out of a job?
1118
01:20:55,646 --> 01:20:58,763
And exports, two billion a year gone, for starters.
1119
01:20:59,446 --> 01:21:03,883
And votes? Where do you think the government
places those weapons contracts?
1120
01:21:04,046 --> 01:21:08,005
- In marginal constituencies, obviously.
- Exactly.
1121
01:21:08,166 --> 01:21:12,398
All I'm saying is that now that I know,
the Prime Minister must be told.
1122
01:21:12,566 --> 01:21:14,318
- Why?
- Why?
1123
01:21:14,486 --> 01:21:20,038
Just because you've caught something nasty,
why do you have to breathe over everyone?
1124
01:21:20,206 --> 01:21:22,720
Are you happy in the Cabinet?
1125
01:21:22,886 --> 01:21:25,958
- Yes, of course I am!
- Do you want to stay in it?
1126
01:21:26,126 --> 01:21:28,276
(HE GULPS)
1127
01:21:28,446 --> 01:21:30,084
Well, then?
1128
01:21:30,246 --> 01:21:32,919
Sorry, Vic, but there is such a thing as duty.
1129
01:21:33,086 --> 01:21:37,602
- Sometimes one must follow one's conscience.
- For God's sake!
1130
01:21:38,846 --> 01:21:44,557
Must you flash about your petty little conscience?
Don't you think anybody else has got one?
1131
01:21:45,846 --> 01:21:50,044
- Have you no conscience for the government?
- Of course!
1132
01:21:50,206 --> 01:21:54,597
The PM is on the verge of signing
an international anti-terrorist agreement.
1133
01:21:54,766 --> 01:21:57,519
- I didn't know.
- There's a lot you don't know.
1134
01:21:57,686 --> 01:22:01,645
Can't you see it's essential
to deal with major policy
1135
01:22:01,806 --> 01:22:04,525
rather than a few arms exporters and terrorists?
1136
01:22:04,686 --> 01:22:07,962
Yes, I suppose it is
just a couple of terrorist groups.
1137
01:22:08,126 --> 01:22:11,402
- Can't kill that many people, can they?
- Suppose not!
1138
01:22:11,566 --> 01:22:15,957
And you want to blow it all
in a fit of moral self-indulgence!
1139
01:22:17,926 --> 01:22:22,875
After all, with the PM thinking about you
as the next Foreign Secretary...
1140
01:22:25,966 --> 01:22:27,763
Do you mean that?
1141
01:22:27,926 --> 01:22:29,359
Good Lord!
1142
01:22:30,646 --> 01:22:35,401
So if you want to martyr yourself,
go ahead and press for an enquiry.
1143
01:22:35,566 --> 01:22:39,445
Feel free to jeopardise everything
we've worked for all these years.
1144
01:22:39,606 --> 01:22:44,726
No, no. Obviously it's appalling if Italian
terrorists are getting hold of British weapons,
1145
01:22:44,886 --> 01:22:49,277
but there is such a thing as loyalty,
the common purpose.
1146
01:22:49,446 --> 01:22:53,837
I suppose one must see these things
in a proper perspective.
1147
01:22:54,006 --> 01:22:59,797
- If it was the Ministry of Defence, Board of Trade.
- Ministry of Defence, Board of Trade problem.
1148
01:22:59,966 --> 01:23:02,639
Foreign Office problem. I can see that now.
1149
01:23:02,806 --> 01:23:05,525
So we can hold it over for the time being?
1150
01:23:05,686 --> 01:23:11,875
- Don't want to upset and embarrass the PM!
- Absolutely not. Definitely not. No.
1151
01:23:13,766 --> 01:23:15,882
Sorry I mentioned it.
1152
01:23:17,366 --> 01:23:19,038
Good man!
1153
01:23:20,166 --> 01:23:23,875
So I thought on balance
it was best to leave it at that.
1154
01:23:24,046 --> 01:23:26,002
Let sleeping dogs lie...
1155
01:23:26,166 --> 01:23:28,157
In the wider interest.
1156
01:23:28,326 --> 01:23:30,920
As a loyal member of the government.
1157
01:23:31,726 --> 01:23:37,119
- Nothing to be gained. Opening a can of worms.
- The major said they were terrorists.
1158
01:23:37,766 --> 01:23:39,279
Yes, well...
1159
01:23:39,446 --> 01:23:43,485
- We bombed Dresden. We're all terrorists.
- No.
1160
01:23:44,006 --> 01:23:48,761
I mean metaphorically.
You should meet the Chief Whip. He certainly is!
1161
01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:54,444
- Someone in Britain's giving bombs to murderers.
- Selling, not giving.
1162
01:23:54,606 --> 01:23:57,120
- That makes it OK?
- Be serious, Annie.
1163
01:23:57,286 --> 01:23:59,880
An investigation might uncover all sorts.
1164
01:24:00,046 --> 01:24:04,995
I see. Investigate if you can catch one criminal,
but not if you might catch lots!
1165
01:24:05,166 --> 01:24:08,283
If they're your Cabinet colleagues, you're right!
1166
01:24:08,446 --> 01:24:13,884
Government is a very complex business, Annie.
There are so many conflicting considerations.
1167
01:24:14,046 --> 01:24:18,278
- Whether to do the right thing or wrong thing.
- Exactly. No...
1168
01:24:18,446 --> 01:24:20,835
What do you suggest I do?
1169
01:24:21,006 --> 01:24:23,645
- Take a moral stand.
- How?
1170
01:24:23,806 --> 01:24:27,082
- Threaten resignation.
- They'd accept it!
1171
01:24:27,246 --> 01:24:29,202
Then where would I be?
1172
01:24:29,366 --> 01:24:33,279
If I'm gone, I'm not in a position
to do any good any more.
1173
01:24:33,446 --> 01:24:37,439
- You're not doing good now.
- Resignation may be a sop to our consciences,
1174
01:24:37,606 --> 01:24:40,439
but it won't stop terrorists getting British bombs.
1175
01:24:40,606 --> 01:24:43,643
- It might if you tell what you know.
- What do I know?
1176
01:24:43,806 --> 01:24:49,563
I've no hard facts. I know it's going on
because nobody's denied it, but that's not proof.
1177
01:24:49,726 --> 01:24:52,286
Can't you see? I'm in a real fix.
1178
01:24:52,446 --> 01:24:57,725
I don't think you realise just how real a fix
you're in. This letter arrived today.
1179
01:24:58,406 --> 01:25:00,636
From Major Saunders.
1180
01:25:03,966 --> 01:25:06,605
"Dear Mr Hacker. Thank you for seeing me.
1181
01:25:06,766 --> 01:25:12,682
"Such a relief to have told you about the supply
of British weapons to Italian terrorists.
1182
01:25:13,366 --> 01:25:16,836
"I know you will act upon this information
as you promised
1183
01:25:17,006 --> 01:25:19,804
"and I look forward to seeing some action taken."
1184
01:25:19,966 --> 01:25:21,877
You see?
1185
01:25:22,046 --> 01:25:26,995
What will you do when Major Saunders tells the
world he told you about it and you did nothing?
1186
01:25:27,166 --> 01:25:32,479
- It's a photocopy. He's got the original.
- It was recorded delivery, so you did get it.
1187
01:25:33,086 --> 01:25:34,678
I'm trapped!
1188
01:25:37,246 --> 01:25:41,000
Completely trapped!
I can't tell the PM, I can't NOT tell the PM.
1189
01:25:41,166 --> 01:25:45,444
- I see.
- Might we not use the Rhodesia Solution?
1190
01:25:47,366 --> 01:25:52,076
Bernard, you excel yourself!
Of course, Minister, the Rhodesia Solution!
1191
01:25:52,246 --> 01:25:54,362
- What's that?
- Oil sanctions.
1192
01:25:54,526 --> 01:25:58,121
A member of the government
was told about sanction-busting.
1193
01:25:58,286 --> 01:25:59,958
- What did he do?
- Told the PM.
1194
01:26:00,126 --> 01:26:03,402
- And?
- He told the PM in a way the PM didn't hear him.
1195
01:26:03,566 --> 01:26:08,845
Oh. Do you mean I should mumble it
in the Division lobby?
1196
01:26:09,006 --> 01:26:12,476
- No, Minister, you write a note.
- Very faint pencil?
1197
01:26:12,646 --> 01:26:15,399
- Please, be practical.
- It's awfully obvious.
1198
01:26:15,566 --> 01:26:19,684
- Write a note susceptible of misinterpretation.
- Oh, I see!
1199
01:26:19,846 --> 01:26:23,600
"Dear Prime Minister,
I believe Italian Red Terrorists
1200
01:26:23,766 --> 01:26:28,078
"have secret British bomb-making
equipment." How do you misinterpret that?
1201
01:26:28,246 --> 01:26:30,806
You can't. So you don't write that.
1202
01:26:30,966 --> 01:26:35,084
You use a more circumspect style
with no mention of bombs or terrorists.
1203
01:26:35,246 --> 01:26:39,080
- Isn't that what it's all about?
- Bernard, write this down.
1204
01:26:39,246 --> 01:26:46,163
"My attention has been drawn to information
which suggests possible irregularities under..."
1205
01:26:46,326 --> 01:26:50,001
Section 1 of the Import, Export
and Customs Powers Defence Act 1939c.
1206
01:26:50,166 --> 01:26:51,758
Thank you, Bernard.
1207
01:26:51,926 --> 01:26:55,714
You then suggest that somebody else
should do something about it.
1208
01:26:55,886 --> 01:26:59,435
"Evidence suggests
there may be a case for further investigation
1209
01:26:59,606 --> 01:27:02,643
"to establish whether enquiries
should be put in hand."
1210
01:27:02,806 --> 01:27:05,195
Then you smudge it all over.
1211
01:27:05,366 --> 01:27:09,757
"Nevertheless, it should be stressed
that available information is limited
1212
01:27:09,926 --> 01:27:13,714
"and facts could be difficult to establish
with any certainty."
1213
01:27:13,886 --> 01:27:17,083
- I see.
- If there's an enquiry, you'd be in the clear
1214
01:27:17,246 --> 01:27:21,762
and everybody would understand the busy
PM might not have grasped the implications.
1215
01:27:21,926 --> 01:27:25,839
- They certainly would! That's most unclear.
- Thank you, Minister!
1216
01:27:26,006 --> 01:27:31,638
You arrange for the letter to arrive at No. 10
on the day the PM has an overseas summit!
1217
01:27:31,806 --> 01:27:36,596
So there is also doubt about whether it was
the PM or the acting PM who read the note.
1218
01:27:36,766 --> 01:27:41,521
It's seen as a breakdown in communication,
everyone's cleared and can get on with things.
1219
01:27:41,686 --> 01:27:45,156
- Including the Red Terrorists!
- Exactly... Bernard!
1220
01:27:46,646 --> 01:27:49,001
I'll tell you about government.
1221
01:27:49,166 --> 01:27:51,999
You must always try to do the right thing.
1222
01:27:52,166 --> 01:27:55,954
But you must never let anybody
catch you trying to do it
1223
01:27:56,126 --> 01:27:59,004
because doing right's wrong. Right?
1224
01:27:59,166 --> 01:28:03,478
- Haven't you had enough, darling?
- There's still some left in the bottle.
1225
01:28:04,566 --> 01:28:07,444
No, the thing about government is principle.
1226
01:28:07,606 --> 01:28:11,804
And the principle is you mustn't rock the boat...
1227
01:28:11,966 --> 01:28:16,323
...because if you do,
all the little consciences will fall out.
1228
01:28:17,086 --> 01:28:19,361
And you must all hang together.
1229
01:28:19,526 --> 01:28:24,122
Because if you don't hang together,
you'll all be hanged separately.
1230
01:28:24,286 --> 01:28:26,641
I'm hanged if I'll be hanged!
1231
01:28:28,566 --> 01:28:32,878
You know... politics is about helping others.
1232
01:28:34,686 --> 01:28:37,598
Even if that means helping terrorists.
1233
01:28:38,766 --> 01:28:42,554
Terrorists are others, aren't they?
Not us, are they?
1234
01:28:43,246 --> 01:28:44,599
No.
1235
01:28:44,766 --> 01:28:50,124
And you must always follow your conscience,
but you must know where you're going.
1236
01:28:51,246 --> 01:28:53,714
So you can't follow your conscience.
1237
01:28:53,886 --> 01:28:57,322
'Cause it may not be going
the same way that you are.
1238
01:28:58,526 --> 01:29:01,199
Empty... Like me.
1239
01:29:02,486 --> 01:29:06,001
- I'm a moral vacuum.
- Cheer up, darling!
1240
01:29:06,166 --> 01:29:09,317
Nothing good comes out of Whitehall.
You did what you could.
1241
01:29:09,486 --> 01:29:12,637
- You don't really mean that.
- I do.
1242
01:29:12,806 --> 01:29:16,594
- I'm just like Humphrey and the rest.
- That's not true!
1243
01:29:16,766 --> 01:29:20,475
He's lost his sense of right and wrong.
You've still got yours.
1244
01:29:20,646 --> 01:29:24,002
- Have I?
- It's just that you don't use it much.
1245
01:29:25,286 --> 01:29:30,041
You're a sort of whisky priest, you at least know
when you've done the wrong thing.
1246
01:29:30,206 --> 01:29:32,845
- Whisky priest?
- That's right.
1247
01:29:34,006 --> 01:29:35,803
Good.
1248
01:29:35,966 --> 01:29:39,675
- Let's open another bottle.
- We haven't got one.
1249
01:29:39,846 --> 01:29:42,280
That's what you think!
1250
01:29:45,166 --> 01:29:48,238
Who said nothing good
ever came out of Whitehall?
1251
01:29:49,526 --> 01:29:52,040
- You want one?
- Yes, Minister!
1252
01:31:26,740 --> 01:31:29,573
(THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT)
1253
01:31:36,300 --> 01:31:39,292
(FINAL WHISTLE BLOWS)
1254
01:31:44,380 --> 01:31:47,929
- Coming for a drink in the board room, Jim?
- Thanks.
1255
01:31:53,700 --> 01:31:57,010
Ah, well, better enjoy it while the club's still here.
1256
01:31:58,180 --> 01:32:01,138
- We've always survived.
- It's different this time.
1257
01:32:01,300 --> 01:32:06,374
- Tell him, Brian.
- We've had a meeting of the finance committee.
1258
01:32:06,540 --> 01:32:09,452
Aston Wanderers will have to call in the Receiver!
1259
01:32:09,620 --> 01:32:13,090
- You mean bankrupt?
- The final whistle.
1260
01:32:13,260 --> 01:32:18,778
- We need one-and-a-half million quid, Jim.
- The government waste that every 30 seconds!
1261
01:32:18,940 --> 01:32:22,376
- Oh, I say!
- You know what people are saying, Jim?
1262
01:32:22,540 --> 01:32:28,251
It's no good having a Cabinet Minister for an MP.
Better a local lad with time for his constituency.
1263
01:32:28,420 --> 01:32:29,899
- That's absurd!
- Why?
1264
01:32:30,060 --> 01:32:35,054
- There are advantages if an MP's in the Cabinet.
- We haven't noticed them, have we, Harry?
1265
01:32:35,220 --> 01:32:38,769
- Such as?
- It reflects well on the constituency.
1266
01:32:38,940 --> 01:32:44,219
It's good to have powerful friends,
influence in high places, a friend in need...
1267
01:32:44,380 --> 01:32:47,736
Listen, friend, what we need
is one-and-a-half million quid!
1268
01:32:48,740 --> 01:32:50,059
Ah.
1269
01:32:50,220 --> 01:32:52,575
So will you use that influence to help us?
1270
01:32:52,740 --> 01:32:56,813
Well, when I said influence,
I meant the indefinable sort,
1271
01:32:56,980 --> 01:33:01,178
the intangible, subtle benefit
1272
01:33:01,340 --> 01:33:05,094
of an input into broad general policy
at its early stages
1273
01:33:05,260 --> 01:33:07,979
while keeping constituency interests in mind.
1274
01:33:08,980 --> 01:33:11,130
Do you mean no?
1275
01:33:11,900 --> 01:33:16,735
Well, anything I can do in a broad, general sense
to further the cause, I will certainly...
1276
01:33:16,900 --> 01:33:18,333
...er, do.
1277
01:33:19,100 --> 01:33:24,333
If I can. But for a minister to pump
one-and-a-half million into his local football club!
1278
01:33:24,500 --> 01:33:26,092
He means no.
1279
01:33:26,260 --> 01:33:30,731
But there'd be lots of votes in it.
You'd be the hero of the constituency.
1280
01:33:30,900 --> 01:33:35,098
"Jim Hacker, the man who saved
Aston Wanderers!" Safe seat for life!
1281
01:33:35,260 --> 01:33:39,048
That might occur to the press.
And the opposition. And the judge!
1282
01:33:39,220 --> 01:33:43,293
If this club goes to the wall it'll be a disaster.
Look at our history!
1283
01:33:43,460 --> 01:33:47,055
FA Cup winners, League Champions,
first team into Europe.
1284
01:33:47,220 --> 01:33:52,135
I know all that, but be fair.
It's a local matter, not a ministerial one.
1285
01:33:52,300 --> 01:33:55,292
As chair of the Arts and Leisure Committee,
can you help?
1286
01:33:55,460 --> 01:34:00,090
Me? You're joking. I spent half of yesterday
trying to raise 711 quid
1287
01:34:00,260 --> 01:34:02,933
to repoint the chimney on the art gallery.
1288
01:34:03,100 --> 01:34:06,331
That miserable place? Why not let it fall down?
1289
01:34:06,500 --> 01:34:11,255
I'd love to, but if it fell on somebody,
the Council's liable. We own the bloody place!
1290
01:34:11,420 --> 01:34:14,059
And we keep getting offers for the site.
1291
01:34:14,220 --> 01:34:17,257
Savefair Supermarkets were after it last month.
1292
01:34:17,420 --> 01:34:20,093
Hold on, how much were they offering?
1293
01:34:20,980 --> 01:34:23,414
About two million quid, I think.
1294
01:34:23,580 --> 01:34:27,459
If you sold the art gallery,
you could save the football club.
1295
01:34:27,620 --> 01:34:31,215
- There'd have to be a planning enquiry.
- Can we see it?
1296
01:34:31,380 --> 01:34:34,178
We'll have to be quick. They close at five.
1297
01:34:51,900 --> 01:34:55,449
- Hideous, isn't it?
- It's a Grade II listed building.
1298
01:35:01,220 --> 01:35:07,295
Bernard, what is our political master up to
with the Corn Exchange Art Gallery?
1299
01:35:07,460 --> 01:35:12,534
- Oh, er, how did you find out about that?
- Not from you, Bernard.
1300
01:35:12,700 --> 01:35:15,294
An omission you may care to explain.
1301
01:35:16,500 --> 01:35:19,936
- Surely it's just a constituency matter?
- Surely not.
1302
01:35:20,100 --> 01:35:23,137
Selling the gallery to Savefair Supermarkets
1303
01:35:23,300 --> 01:35:29,091
and giving an interest-free loan to Aston
Wanderers, he's acting as an MP not a minister.
1304
01:35:29,260 --> 01:35:31,251
It is the principle, Bernard.
1305
01:35:31,420 --> 01:35:34,856
Have you thought what the effect would be
if this happens?
1306
01:35:35,020 --> 01:35:37,329
- He'd be very popular.
- Exactly!
1307
01:35:39,380 --> 01:35:42,577
Distressingly popular.
Hideously popular. And then?
1308
01:35:42,740 --> 01:35:49,213
- The minister would be re-elected.
- And that is not our top priority.
1309
01:35:49,380 --> 01:35:53,453
In this department,
it makes little difference who the minister is.
1310
01:35:53,620 --> 01:35:58,410
But the point is, suppose other football clubs
got into difficulties?
1311
01:35:58,580 --> 01:36:04,177
And what about greyhound racing? Should dog
tracks be subsidised as well as football clubs?
1312
01:36:04,340 --> 01:36:08,333
- Why not, if that's what the people want?
- Bernard...
1313
01:36:09,140 --> 01:36:10,539
...subsidy...
1314
01:36:11,580 --> 01:36:15,209
...is for art, for culture.
1315
01:36:16,820 --> 01:36:19,812
It is not to be given to what the people want!
1316
01:36:21,620 --> 01:36:24,976
It is for what the people don't want
but ought to have!
1317
01:36:26,180 --> 01:36:29,570
If they want something
they'll pay for it themselves!
1318
01:36:29,740 --> 01:36:35,895
No, we subsidise education,
enlightenment, spiritual uplift.
1319
01:36:36,060 --> 01:36:38,699
Not the vulgar pastimes of ordinary people.
1320
01:36:38,860 --> 01:36:41,249
It's the thin end of the wedge.
It must be stopped!
1321
01:36:43,860 --> 01:36:48,092
- Ah, Minister.
- Humphrey. What's the matter now?
1322
01:36:48,260 --> 01:36:53,414
Minister, I thought you'd like early warning
that there's a reshuffle in the offing.
1323
01:36:53,580 --> 01:36:55,889
(HE GASPS)
1324
01:36:56,060 --> 01:37:00,372
- You don't mean... You're not suggesting...
- No, no, no, Minister.
1325
01:37:00,540 --> 01:37:04,055
There is to be a departmental reorganisation.
1326
01:37:04,220 --> 01:37:06,495
A real reshuffle.
1327
01:37:06,660 --> 01:37:09,572
- We may get extra responsibilities.
- Do we want them?
1328
01:37:09,740 --> 01:37:14,655
We want all responsibilities, Minister,
if they mean extra staff and bigger budgets.
1329
01:37:14,820 --> 01:37:20,497
It's the breadth of our responsibilities that makes
us important, makes YOU important, Minister.
1330
01:37:20,660 --> 01:37:26,132
When you see vast buildings, huge staff
and massive budgets, what do you conclude?
1331
01:37:26,300 --> 01:37:28,291
Bureaucracy?
1332
01:37:30,020 --> 01:37:33,933
No, Minister, you conclude that at the summit
1333
01:37:34,100 --> 01:37:39,857
there are men of great stature and dignity
who hold the world in their hands
1334
01:37:40,020 --> 01:37:42,329
and tread the earth like princes.
1335
01:37:44,340 --> 01:37:45,853
Yes, I see.
1336
01:37:46,420 --> 01:37:49,696
So each new responsibility
must be seized eagerly
1337
01:37:49,860 --> 01:37:52,328
and each old one guarded jealously.
1338
01:37:52,500 --> 01:37:57,369
- Entirely in your interests, of course, Minister.
- Thank you for warning me, Humphrey.
1339
01:37:57,540 --> 01:37:59,656
Thank you, Minister.
1340
01:38:00,940 --> 01:38:03,932
Oh! By the way...
1341
01:38:04,940 --> 01:38:09,456
- About the Corn Exchange Art Gallery proposal.
- What about it?
1342
01:38:09,620 --> 01:38:12,851
It's the most imaginative scheme, novel idea,
1343
01:38:13,020 --> 01:38:17,172
- but I wonder if it might not be a little unwise?
- Why?
1344
01:38:17,340 --> 01:38:20,252
- A valuable civic amenity.
- A monstrosity!
1345
01:38:21,460 --> 01:38:23,974
A valuable civic monstrosity.
1346
01:38:25,580 --> 01:38:29,414
- An important collection of British paintings.
- Utterly unimportant.
1347
01:38:29,580 --> 01:38:33,255
Second-rate 18th-century portraits,
third-rate 19th-century landscapes,
1348
01:38:33,420 --> 01:38:36,412
modern paintings the Tate wouldn't even store.
1349
01:38:36,580 --> 01:38:40,493
But an important representative collection
of unimportant paintings.
1350
01:38:40,660 --> 01:38:44,573
And a source of great spiritual uplift
to passing citizenry.
1351
01:38:44,740 --> 01:38:47,777
- They never go in!
- But they know it's there.
1352
01:38:47,940 --> 01:38:51,535
The curator says they average 11 visitors a day!
1353
01:38:51,700 --> 01:38:55,852
It's a constituency matter. Nothing to do
with Whitehall. What's your interest?
1354
01:38:56,020 --> 01:38:58,454
- A question of principle.
- Principle?
1355
01:38:58,620 --> 01:39:01,612
What you used to tell me politics was about.
1356
01:39:01,780 --> 01:39:06,092
- What principle?
- The principle of taking money away from the arts
1357
01:39:06,260 --> 01:39:08,137
and putting it into football.
1358
01:39:08,300 --> 01:39:14,057
A football club is a commercial operation. There's
no cause for subsidy if it runs out of money.
1359
01:39:14,220 --> 01:39:15,653
- Why not?
- Why not?
1360
01:39:15,820 --> 01:39:19,449
Yes. There's no difference
between subsidising football and art.
1361
01:39:19,620 --> 01:39:22,453
Except more people are interested in football.
1362
01:39:22,620 --> 01:39:26,454
- Our cultural heritage has to be preserved.
- For whom?
1363
01:39:26,620 --> 01:39:30,898
For people like you, you mean,
the educated middle classes.
1364
01:39:31,060 --> 01:39:34,894
Why should others subsidise
the pleasures of the middle-class few?
1365
01:39:35,060 --> 01:39:37,574
Theatre, opera, ballet!
1366
01:39:37,740 --> 01:39:44,088
- Subsidising art is a middle-class rip-off.
- Oh, Minister, how can you say such a thing?
1367
01:39:44,260 --> 01:39:48,731
Subsidy is about education,
preserving the pinnacles of our civilisation.
1368
01:39:48,900 --> 01:39:52,939
- Or hadn't you noticed?
- Don't patronise me. I believe in education.
1369
01:39:53,100 --> 01:39:57,537
I'm a graduate of the London School
of Economics, remember.
1370
01:39:57,700 --> 01:40:02,615
I'm glad to learn that even the LSE
is not totally opposed to education.
1371
01:40:03,540 --> 01:40:06,930
Nothing wrong with subsidising sport.
Sport is educational.
1372
01:40:07,100 --> 01:40:10,410
We have sex education too.
Should we subsidise sex?
1373
01:40:10,580 --> 01:40:11,933
Could we?
1374
01:40:14,820 --> 01:40:19,336
Let us choose what we subsidise
by the extent of popular demand.
1375
01:40:19,500 --> 01:40:23,493
- Nothing wrong with that. It's democratic.
- It's the thin end of the wedge!
1376
01:40:23,660 --> 01:40:28,893
What would happen to the Royal Opera House,
the very summit of our cultural achievement?
1377
01:40:29,060 --> 01:40:34,418
Very good case in point. What do they do?
Mozart, Wagner, Verdi, Puccini.
1378
01:40:34,580 --> 01:40:37,936
Germans and Italians, not our culture.
1379
01:40:38,820 --> 01:40:42,938
Why should we subsidise the culture
of the Axis powers?
1380
01:40:43,100 --> 01:40:45,853
Our European partners, Minister!
1381
01:40:46,020 --> 01:40:50,935
The Royal Opera House gets nine-and-a-half
million pounds of public money every year.
1382
01:40:51,100 --> 01:40:56,970
And for what? The public can't afford £30 seats
and if it could there aren't enough of them.
1383
01:40:57,140 --> 01:41:01,258
The vast majority of the audience consists
of big business executives
1384
01:41:01,420 --> 01:41:06,210
block-booked by the banks and oil companies
and multinationals and people like you.
1385
01:41:06,380 --> 01:41:09,690
The Royal Opera House
is the establishment at play.
1386
01:41:09,860 --> 01:41:15,571
Why should the working man pay for the gentry
who can perfectly well afford their own seats?
1387
01:41:15,740 --> 01:41:20,052
Minister, I'm quite frankly appalled.
This is savagery, barbarism.
1388
01:41:20,940 --> 01:41:26,731
That a Minister of the Crown should say such
things, it's the end of civilisation as we know it,
1389
01:41:28,820 --> 01:41:32,495
- as well as being a gross distortion of the truth.
- Distortion?
1390
01:41:32,660 --> 01:41:36,699
- Art cannot survive without public subsidy.
- Did Shakespeare get a subsidy?
1391
01:41:36,860 --> 01:41:42,617
And films? Films are art and educational. Why
does the establishment ignore their subsidy?
1392
01:41:42,780 --> 01:41:45,294
Because people like you prefer opera.
1393
01:41:45,460 --> 01:41:50,170
We should subsidise relevant art
like films that the man in the street can enjoy.
1394
01:41:50,340 --> 01:41:52,774
Precisely! They are commercial.
1395
01:41:54,220 --> 01:41:59,374
Now, excuse me, I have to go early. I cannot
continue with this appalling discussion.
1396
01:41:59,540 --> 01:42:01,849
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.
1397
01:42:02,020 --> 01:42:05,410
Well, I'm sorry. We must talk this through.
1398
01:42:05,580 --> 01:42:07,855
I can't. I have to dress.
1399
01:42:09,100 --> 01:42:11,853
Dress? Where are you going?
1400
01:42:15,700 --> 01:42:19,454
Since you insist,
I am going to the Royal Opera House.
1401
01:42:21,180 --> 01:42:23,216
Are you really?
1402
01:42:24,820 --> 01:42:26,890
Gala night, is it?
1403
01:42:27,700 --> 01:42:32,091
- Yes, it is, since you ask.
- Lots of Permanent Secretaries going?
1404
01:42:32,260 --> 01:42:34,410
Some, no doubt.
1405
01:42:34,580 --> 01:42:37,811
- Off you go, then.
- Thank you.
1406
01:42:37,980 --> 01:42:41,370
I don't want to make you late
for your works' outing!
1407
01:42:42,900 --> 01:42:45,698
That's what it is, isn't it? What's on tonight?
1408
01:42:45,860 --> 01:42:48,169
The Flying Dutchman.
1409
01:42:48,340 --> 01:42:51,218
Another of our European partners!
1410
01:42:57,100 --> 01:42:59,250
- G&T, lan?
- Thanks.
1411
01:42:59,420 --> 01:43:02,298
Two G&Ts, please, large ones.
1412
01:43:02,460 --> 01:43:07,773
And some of those smoked salmon sandwiches
you have. Thank you very much.
1413
01:43:08,500 --> 01:43:12,049
- So, how's the environment?
- Bit smoky, isn't it?
1414
01:43:13,260 --> 01:43:16,855
Oh, you mean my department? Chaos, as usual.
1415
01:43:17,020 --> 01:43:21,377
- What, the Secretary of State is trying to run it?
- I could cope with that.
1416
01:43:21,540 --> 01:43:24,498
One of the junior ministers is trying to help him.
1417
01:43:24,660 --> 01:43:26,776
Oh, Lord. Who?
1418
01:43:26,940 --> 01:43:31,218
- Giles Freeman, the Parli Sec.
- Oh, Lord, him?
1419
01:43:31,380 --> 01:43:35,578
- Anyhow, what do you want to talk about?
- A planning enquiry.
1420
01:43:35,740 --> 01:43:38,049
Important we get the right result.
1421
01:43:38,220 --> 01:43:41,371
My planning inspectors
are absolutely independent.
1422
01:43:41,540 --> 01:43:43,895
- Absolutely.
- No undue influence.
1423
01:43:44,060 --> 01:43:49,339
No, no, I wouldn't suggest it. But if it's a
question of giving certain informal guidelines...
1424
01:43:49,500 --> 01:43:53,254
- Putting the enquiry into perspective.
- Yes, indeed.
1425
01:43:53,420 --> 01:43:58,175
Explaining the background to facilitate
an appreciation of the issues and implications.
1426
01:43:58,340 --> 01:44:00,934
- That would be quite proper.
- Splendid.
1427
01:44:01,100 --> 01:44:03,455
- Ah.
- Thank you very much.
1428
01:44:05,540 --> 01:44:08,532
Er, right. Thank you very much.
1429
01:44:09,220 --> 01:44:10,539
Cheers.
1430
01:44:10,700 --> 01:44:13,692
So what do you want me to fix?
1431
01:44:15,380 --> 01:44:20,659
It's an art gallery in the West Midlands.
Proposed demolition of a Grade II listed building.
1432
01:44:20,820 --> 01:44:25,496
- I'm sure we can arrange that. Only too happy.
- Splendid.
1433
01:44:25,660 --> 01:44:28,652
We're knocking them down all over the place.
1434
01:44:28,820 --> 01:44:31,778
No, no, the proposal has to be rejected.
1435
01:44:33,420 --> 01:44:36,014
Really? Why?
1436
01:44:36,180 --> 01:44:42,130
If it goes through, they'll use the proceeds
to save the local football club from bankruptcy.
1437
01:44:42,300 --> 01:44:44,939
- Humphrey...
- I know.
1438
01:44:45,780 --> 01:44:51,730
If once you allow the principle of money being
taken from the arts and given to ordinary people...
1439
01:44:53,860 --> 01:44:56,215
...to enjoy themselves!
1440
01:44:57,980 --> 01:44:59,891
- I agree.
- Where will it end?
1441
01:45:00,060 --> 01:45:01,379
Exactly.
1442
01:45:01,980 --> 01:45:05,495
- Where did this appalling idea come from?
- My lord and master.
1443
01:45:05,660 --> 01:45:08,936
He's getting very het up
over the sweaty masses.
1444
01:45:09,100 --> 01:45:14,538
- Didn't you stop him? What were you thinking of?
- It's not me. It's his constituency.
1445
01:45:14,700 --> 01:45:20,013
Apparently he put it to a group of councillors
last Saturday and they jumped at it.
1446
01:45:20,180 --> 01:45:23,536
I've always said
we shouldn't let him out at weekends!
1447
01:45:23,940 --> 01:45:27,535
He only causes trouble.
You realise where this could lead?
1448
01:45:27,700 --> 01:45:32,490
Today a Midlands art gallery goes
to support the local football club,
1449
01:45:32,660 --> 01:45:36,858
tomorrow the Royal Opera House grant goes
to modernise Wembley Stadium.
1450
01:45:37,020 --> 01:45:41,650
My point exactly. So I can trust you
to keep an eye on the planning enquiry?
1451
01:45:41,820 --> 01:45:45,051
- Well, I can't influence the inspector...
- 'Course not.
1452
01:45:45,220 --> 01:45:48,735
But I'll put someone on it
who's overdue for promotion.
1453
01:45:48,900 --> 01:45:52,256
Good. You'll give him
a thorough briefing, won't you?
1454
01:45:52,420 --> 01:45:55,457
Oh, I'm sure he will see the real issue.
1455
01:45:56,020 --> 01:45:58,488
Civilisation versus barbarism.
1456
01:45:59,100 --> 01:46:04,811
We can't have arts money going to popular
sport. It's simply subsidising self-indulgence.
1457
01:46:04,980 --> 01:46:06,459
Exactly.
1458
01:46:08,100 --> 01:46:14,255
Minister, before we go over today's diary, there's
something I'd like to suggest, if I may be so bold.
1459
01:46:14,420 --> 01:46:18,618
- Be as bold as you like.
- Well, I feel, and I say this with respect,
1460
01:46:18,780 --> 01:46:22,455
you shouldn't get too involved
with this football club affair.
1461
01:46:22,620 --> 01:46:26,374
That is bold, isn't it? It's a constituency matter.
1462
01:46:26,540 --> 01:46:30,692
Better for me to be "bold"
than you to be stumped, Minister!
1463
01:46:31,860 --> 01:46:33,418
Very droll.
1464
01:46:33,580 --> 01:46:37,459
It's axiomatic in Whitehall that even an MP,
let alone a minister,
1465
01:46:37,620 --> 01:46:41,533
should never take part in a planning enquiry
in his own constituency.
1466
01:46:41,700 --> 01:46:44,612
- Why not?
- Because of finely-balanced local issues.
1467
01:46:44,780 --> 01:46:48,136
You'll offend as many constituents
as you'll please.
1468
01:46:48,300 --> 01:46:51,770
It's especially dangerous
if there's a quango in the wings.
1469
01:46:51,940 --> 01:46:55,819
No. Issues aren't finely-balanced.
Everyone's on the same side,
1470
01:46:55,980 --> 01:46:58,733
except a few wet, long-haired scruffy art lovers!
1471
01:47:00,860 --> 01:47:03,772
We'll take a look at your diary for this morning.
1472
01:47:03,940 --> 01:47:05,578
Oh, fine.
1473
01:47:05,740 --> 01:47:10,370
10.15, Secretary General of the Arts Council,
the biggest quango of all.
1474
01:47:10,540 --> 01:47:14,499
10.45, Historic Monuments Association,
11.00, The National Trust.
1475
01:47:14,660 --> 01:47:19,336
11.15, Country Landowners Association,
11.30, Council for Protection of Rural England...
1476
01:47:19,500 --> 01:47:23,413
- Rural England?
- There's quite a lot of it out there!
1477
01:47:23,580 --> 01:47:28,131
- Why are all these people coming to see me?
- The art gallery, Minister.
1478
01:47:28,300 --> 01:47:31,053
It's the arts and architecture mafia.
1479
01:47:31,940 --> 01:47:36,730
- 11.45, the Country Crafts and Folklore Council.
- Who are they?
1480
01:47:36,900 --> 01:47:39,209
The raffia mafia.
1481
01:47:43,140 --> 01:47:45,893
Influential people coming out of the woodwork.
1482
01:47:46,060 --> 01:47:51,054
There'll be letters in The Times, hostile articles
in the Sundays, you'll be called a vandal.
1483
01:47:51,220 --> 01:47:54,417
They'll orchestrate opposition
in your constituency.
1484
01:47:54,580 --> 01:47:58,778
Why did you put them in my diary?
I didn't ask you to. What were you thinking?
1485
01:47:58,940 --> 01:48:02,376
- I was thinking of Sir Humphrey. He asked me to.
- No.
1486
01:48:02,540 --> 01:48:05,259
I'm going to support this excellent scheme,
come what may.
1487
01:48:07,820 --> 01:48:14,134
As you will. May I just have your approval for
this local government allowances amendment?
1488
01:48:14,780 --> 01:48:17,578
It's a statutory instrument
to go before the House.
1489
01:48:17,740 --> 01:48:22,177
As Minister for Local Government,
you need to authorise that revised paragraph 5,
1490
01:48:22,340 --> 01:48:26,492
Number 2 regulation 1971
shall come into operation on March 18th,
1491
01:48:26,660 --> 01:48:32,576
revoking regulation 7 of the local government
allowances amendment regulations 1954b.
1492
01:48:33,780 --> 01:48:35,896
What the hell's all that mean?
1493
01:48:36,060 --> 01:48:38,290
There is an explanatory note.
1494
01:48:38,460 --> 01:48:40,496
"These regulations make provision
1495
01:48:40,660 --> 01:48:45,450
"for prescribing allowances payable
to members of local authorities.
1496
01:48:45,620 --> 01:48:51,695
"Explanatory note, regulation 3 of the local
government allowances amendment (1971)
1497
01:48:51,860 --> 01:48:54,055
"(the 1971 regulations)
1498
01:48:54,220 --> 01:48:58,259
"Substituted a new regulation for regulation 3
of the 1954 regulations.
1499
01:48:58,420 --> 01:49:02,777
"Regulation 3 of the local government
allowances amendment regulations 1972,
1500
01:49:02,940 --> 01:49:07,809
"(the 1972 regulations) further made amends
regulation 3 of the 1954 regulations
1501
01:49:07,980 --> 01:49:12,132
"by increasing the maximum rates of attendance
and financial loss allowances."
1502
01:49:12,300 --> 01:49:15,975
- I haven't the faintest...
- "Regulation 7, 1982,
1503
01:49:16,140 --> 01:49:20,372
"revoked both regulations 3 and 5
of the 1971 regulations,
1504
01:49:20,540 --> 01:49:25,694
"regulation 5 being a regulation revoking
earlier spent regulations,
1505
01:49:25,860 --> 01:49:28,215
"with effect from 1st April next.
1506
01:49:29,460 --> 01:49:34,136
"These regulations preserve regulations 3 and 5
of the 1971 regulations
1507
01:49:34,300 --> 01:49:37,576
"by revoking regulation 7 of the 1972 regulations."
1508
01:49:40,980 --> 01:49:43,335
That's an explanatory note?
1509
01:49:44,100 --> 01:49:46,455
Yes, I think that's all quite clear.
1510
01:49:47,620 --> 01:49:50,532
Why must I listen to this piddling gobbledegook?
1511
01:49:52,220 --> 01:49:56,133
I thought it would be an opportune moment
for you to ensure
1512
01:49:56,300 --> 01:50:01,772
that as a result of your ministerial efforts, local
councillors will get more for attending meetings.
1513
01:50:01,940 --> 01:50:04,818
- Oh, is that what it means?
- Yes.
1514
01:50:04,980 --> 01:50:08,097
Excellent. It is, as you say, opportune.
1515
01:50:09,020 --> 01:50:14,219
- And may I make one further small suggestion?
- Be my guest.
1516
01:50:14,660 --> 01:50:18,733
Sir Humphrey had a word
with Sir lan Whitworth last night.
1517
01:50:18,900 --> 01:50:22,131
- Lan Whitworth!
- The Corn Exchange is a listed building,
1518
01:50:22,300 --> 01:50:25,736
so one of his planning inspectors
will conduct the enquiry.
1519
01:50:25,900 --> 01:50:29,859
Sir Humphrey and Sir lan will give him
some informal guidelines.
1520
01:50:30,020 --> 01:50:32,659
How do you mean, "informal guidelines"?
1521
01:50:32,820 --> 01:50:37,177
Guidelines are perfectly proper.
Everyone has guidelines for their work.
1522
01:50:37,820 --> 01:50:40,892
I thought planning inspectors were impartial?
1523
01:50:41,060 --> 01:50:42,937
Oh, really, Minister!
1524
01:50:43,100 --> 01:50:46,092
So they are. Railway trains are impartial too.
1525
01:50:46,260 --> 01:50:50,697
But if you lay down the lines for them,
that's the way they go!
1526
01:50:51,300 --> 01:50:54,497
- But that's not fair!
- It's politics, Minister.
1527
01:50:54,660 --> 01:51:00,098
What has Sir Humphrey got to do with politics?
He's a civil servant. I'm the one in politics!
1528
01:51:00,260 --> 01:51:02,330
Yes, Minister, indeed you are!
1529
01:51:03,620 --> 01:51:07,613
How do they intend to put pressure
on this planning inspector?
1530
01:51:07,780 --> 01:51:10,977
Planning inspectors
have an independent hierarchy.
1531
01:51:11,140 --> 01:51:14,257
A vulnerable one is one anxious for promotion.
1532
01:51:15,180 --> 01:51:20,618
How are planning inspectors chosen
for an enquiry? Could a minister interfere?
1533
01:51:20,780 --> 01:51:24,489
- Ministers are our lords and masters.
- Good.
1534
01:51:25,060 --> 01:51:29,929
The Parli Sec at the Department of the
Environment is an old friend, Giles Freeman.
1535
01:51:30,100 --> 01:51:34,855
Well, if Mr Freeman could arrange for an
inspector who didn't care about promotion,
1536
01:51:35,020 --> 01:51:37,534
if, for instance, he's about to retire,
1537
01:51:37,700 --> 01:51:42,410
he'll probably reach a verdict favouring
the community rather than the department.
1538
01:51:43,060 --> 01:51:45,972
Good! Get me Giles on the phone, would you?
1539
01:51:46,140 --> 01:51:50,816
His Private Secretary says he can meet you
in the lobby after the vote this evening.
1540
01:51:54,500 --> 01:51:57,856
Bernard, have you ever thought
of going into politics?
1541
01:51:59,900 --> 01:52:02,095
- Oh, no, Minister.
- Why not?
1542
01:52:02,260 --> 01:52:05,730
- I once looked it up in my thesaurus.
- What did it say?
1543
01:52:05,900 --> 01:52:09,973
Manipulation, intrigue, wire-pulling,
evasion, graft, rabble-rousing...
1544
01:52:10,140 --> 01:52:13,132
I'd prefer to leave that to our lords and masters.
1545
01:52:13,300 --> 01:52:15,894
I don't think I have the necessary qualities.
1546
01:52:17,860 --> 01:52:21,057
Don't underestimate yourself, Bernard!
1547
01:52:21,220 --> 01:52:26,214
Now it seems Hacker has got at Giles Freeman,
the Parli Sec in my department,
1548
01:52:26,380 --> 01:52:30,578
who insisted on appointing a different
planning inspector to the one I chose!
1549
01:52:30,740 --> 01:52:33,732
One who'd be sympathetic to Hacker's scheme.
1550
01:52:33,900 --> 01:52:37,131
- This is rather worrying.
- Worrying? It's desperate!
1551
01:52:37,300 --> 01:52:42,818
There's now every danger that the planning
inspector could make up his own mind!
1552
01:52:44,180 --> 01:52:47,616
There's likely to be huge local support
for the scheme.
1553
01:52:47,780 --> 01:52:52,934
- But how can I help?
- I hoped you'd have some ideas, Arnold.
1554
01:52:54,500 --> 01:52:57,492
Wait a minute! I've thought of something.
1555
01:52:58,660 --> 01:53:02,812
When the departmental reorganisation
occurs next week...
1556
01:53:05,060 --> 01:53:09,451
...you could make Hacker
Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts!
1557
01:53:10,260 --> 01:53:13,570
- But isn't he a complete philistine?
- Yes.
1558
01:53:14,420 --> 01:53:18,413
But then the Industry Secretary
is the idlest man in town.
1559
01:53:23,020 --> 01:53:25,614
The Education Secretary is illiterate!
1560
01:53:28,060 --> 01:53:30,938
The Employment Secretary is unemployable!
1561
01:53:31,940 --> 01:53:34,932
Quite. That's good thinking, Humphrey.
1562
01:53:35,100 --> 01:53:41,096
Hacker can hardly start out as Cabinet Minister
for the arts by closing down an art gallery.
1563
01:53:41,260 --> 01:53:43,979
- Exactly.
- But it's not a reshuffle, is it?
1564
01:53:44,140 --> 01:53:49,134
No, I simply meant reorganise.
Move the arts and telecommunications
1565
01:53:49,300 --> 01:53:51,939
into the purview of the DAA.
1566
01:53:52,100 --> 01:53:54,898
Arts and television together?
1567
01:53:55,060 --> 01:53:57,938
What have they got to do with each other?
1568
01:53:59,100 --> 01:54:01,375
They're complete opposites.
1569
01:54:01,540 --> 01:54:07,058
Wouldn't we be creating a monster department?
You've already got local government as well.
1570
01:54:07,220 --> 01:54:11,293
- Arts and local government go well together.
- How so?
1571
01:54:12,180 --> 01:54:14,933
Well, the art of jiggery-pokery!
1572
01:54:17,140 --> 01:54:20,530
You only just thought of this
here and now, did you?
1573
01:54:21,740 --> 01:54:26,211
- Yes, why?
- Bit of an artist yourself, aren't you?
1574
01:54:26,900 --> 01:54:28,697
Oh, Arnold!
1575
01:54:31,260 --> 01:54:34,058
- Anything more, Bernard?
- Sir Humphrey wants a word
1576
01:54:34,220 --> 01:54:36,973
before your meeting about Aston Wanderers.
1577
01:54:37,140 --> 01:54:39,529
But I'm unshakeable on that!
1578
01:54:39,700 --> 01:54:41,975
It's no good, Humphrey, my mind is made up.
1579
01:54:42,140 --> 01:54:46,179
You might be interested in a new development,
the government reshuffle.
1580
01:54:46,340 --> 01:54:50,856
- You said it was just a reorganisation.
- Not JUST a reorganisation.
1581
01:54:51,020 --> 01:54:53,409
A reorganisation.
1582
01:54:54,940 --> 01:55:00,253
I'm delighted to tell you that it has brought us,
brought YOU, new honour and importance.
1583
01:55:00,420 --> 01:55:07,496
In addition to existing responsibilities, you will
be Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts.
1584
01:55:13,300 --> 01:55:17,976
I say, that's rather good, isn't it!
Hold on, how do you know before I do?
1585
01:55:18,140 --> 01:55:23,134
I just happened to be with the Cabinet Secretary
shortly after the decision was taken.
1586
01:55:23,300 --> 01:55:24,699
I see.
1587
01:55:24,860 --> 01:55:27,852
Cabinet Minister with responsibility for the arts!
1588
01:55:28,020 --> 01:55:30,488
- Well, well, well!
- Yes, indeed.
1589
01:55:30,660 --> 01:55:33,333
Anything more? I'm about to start a meeting.
1590
01:55:33,500 --> 01:55:34,979
Oh, the meeting, yes.
1591
01:55:35,140 --> 01:55:40,737
I do hope you've considered the implications
of your new appointment on the subject.
1592
01:55:40,900 --> 01:55:44,017
- Rescuing a football club?
- No, no.
1593
01:55:44,180 --> 01:55:48,651
I was wondering how it would look
if as Minister responsible for the arts,
1594
01:55:48,820 --> 01:55:51,493
your first act was to knock down an art gallery.
1595
01:56:07,580 --> 01:56:09,935
It's quite a decent little art gallery...
1596
01:56:11,860 --> 01:56:13,691
- Exactly.
- Interesting building.
1597
01:56:13,860 --> 01:56:16,852
- Grade II listed.
- Minister, your meeting...
1598
01:56:18,420 --> 01:56:21,571
Oh, my God! What am I going to say?
1599
01:56:22,740 --> 01:56:27,052
- Councillors Wilkinson, Noble and Green.
- Brian, good to see you.
1600
01:56:27,220 --> 01:56:29,529
Pete... Doug.
1601
01:56:29,700 --> 01:56:32,692
Sir Humphrey Appleby, my Permanent Secretary.
1602
01:56:32,860 --> 01:56:35,533
You mean he's only a temp!
1603
01:56:38,180 --> 01:56:43,095
It's going great, Jim. We've got all the political
parties with us and the County Council.
1604
01:56:43,260 --> 01:56:48,937
All we need is your approval for using the sale
of the art gallery as a loan to the club.
1605
01:56:50,700 --> 01:56:53,498
Well, I'm afraid there's a snag.
1606
01:56:53,660 --> 01:56:56,299
- You said there weren't any!
- Well, there is.
1607
01:56:57,780 --> 01:57:00,248
Well, it's just that... Well...
1608
01:57:00,420 --> 01:57:02,775
It appears... Well, it seems...
1609
01:57:03,980 --> 01:57:06,813
Well, I should say it has emerged...
1610
01:57:08,340 --> 01:57:11,059
Sir Humphrey can explain better than me.
1611
01:57:15,380 --> 01:57:20,898
It can't be done, gentlemen.
Er, the art gallery is... It's a trust.
1612
01:57:21,060 --> 01:57:24,814
- Terms of the original bequest.
- Yes, it's a trust.
1613
01:57:24,980 --> 01:57:27,858
We shall have to knock something else down!
1614
01:57:28,020 --> 01:57:32,218
School, church, hospital...
There's bound to be something!
1615
01:57:32,380 --> 01:57:38,091
I can't believe this. So I have to tell people
back home you've gone back on your word?
1616
01:57:38,260 --> 01:57:41,093
- It was your own idea!
- It's not me, it's the law.
1617
01:57:41,260 --> 01:57:44,093
Why didn't you find out till now?
1618
01:57:45,220 --> 01:57:47,859
- Well...
- A-hem.
1619
01:57:57,020 --> 01:57:59,853
Let me be absolutely frank with you.
1620
01:58:00,020 --> 01:58:05,936
The truth is, it would be possible
to push this through, just possible,
1621
01:58:06,100 --> 01:58:10,059
- but it would take an awful long time.
- OK, we've spent enough.
1622
01:58:10,220 --> 01:58:14,657
Trouble is, something else
would have to go by the board.
1623
01:58:14,820 --> 01:58:20,258
The thing that's taking my time at the moment
is forcing through councillors' expenses
1624
01:58:20,420 --> 01:58:23,014
and attendance allowances.
1625
01:58:23,980 --> 01:58:27,734
I can't put my personal weight
behind both schemes.
1626
01:58:29,860 --> 01:58:34,809
I suppose I could forget about
the increased allowances for councillors
1627
01:58:34,980 --> 01:58:39,098
and concentrate on the legal obstacles,
the sale of the art gallery.
1628
01:58:39,260 --> 01:58:44,778
- Tricky things, legal obstacles.
- This is a particularly tricky one.
1629
01:58:44,940 --> 01:58:47,534
At the end of the day, you might still fail.
1630
01:58:49,300 --> 01:58:53,054
- Every possibility.
- If that's the way it is...
1631
01:58:53,220 --> 01:58:58,533
there's a chance we might want to close
Edgehill primary at the end of the year...
1632
01:58:58,700 --> 01:59:02,090
That site would fetch
a couple of million, give or take.
1633
01:59:02,260 --> 01:59:06,048
Well, there it is, then. No ill feelings to you.
1634
01:59:06,220 --> 01:59:10,816
Good. And you'll explain locally
that we can't overcome the legal obstacles?
1635
01:59:10,980 --> 01:59:14,336
'Course we will. Carry on with the good work!
1636
01:59:19,780 --> 01:59:23,375
Oh, Minister, a work of art.
1637
01:59:26,260 --> 01:59:31,050
- If you'll excuse me, I have to dress.
- Another works' outing?
1638
01:59:34,820 --> 01:59:37,493
- Er, Humphrey...
- Minister?
1639
01:59:37,660 --> 01:59:42,176
- As Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts...
- Hmm?
1640
01:59:44,860 --> 01:59:47,420
...could I come too?
1641
01:59:47,940 --> 01:59:49,453
Yes, Minister!