1 00:00:53,327 --> 00:00:55,124 A-hem! A-hem! 2 00:00:56,327 --> 00:00:59,842 Bernard, is it important? I must finish these Defence papers. 3 00:01:00,007 --> 00:01:02,601 - This is more urgent, Minister. - What is it? 4 00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:07,204 Your Christmas cards, Minister. They can't be postponed any longer. 5 00:01:08,487 --> 00:01:11,126 - Eugh. Which is which? - They're labelled. 6 00:01:11,287 --> 00:01:15,963 These you sign Jim; these Jim Hacker; these Jim and Annie; these Annie and Jim Hacker; 7 00:01:16,127 --> 00:01:18,960 - these Love from Annie and Jim. - And those? 8 00:01:19,127 --> 00:01:23,803 Those are printed and those have cyclostyled signatures so you needn't write anything. 9 00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:28,677 Make sure none of them should have been personally signed Jim or Jim Hacker 10 00:01:28,847 --> 00:01:32,760 or Jim and Annie or Annie and Jim Hacker or Love from Annie and Jim. 11 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:37,557 - What about those? - Constituency cards. Your agent left them. 12 00:01:37,727 --> 00:01:42,926 As you see, they've been divided up. Those you sign Jim; those Jim Hacker; those Jim and... 13 00:01:43,087 --> 00:01:46,079 Thank you, Bernard! I think I've got the gist. 14 00:01:46,247 --> 00:01:49,523 - Is that it? - Apart from the ones at Party headquarters. 15 00:01:49,687 --> 00:01:53,885 - Party HQ? I didn't do those last year. - You weren't Party Chairman last year. 16 00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,959 Oh. Do I have to send this one? 17 00:01:57,127 --> 00:02:00,199 - Why not? - It's to Maurice in Brussels. 18 00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:03,996 He forced through the plan to standardise the Euro sausage. 19 00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:05,998 Euro sausage? 20 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:10,046 Next year we'll be waving goodbye to the good old British sausage, 21 00:02:10,207 --> 00:02:14,883 forced to accept some foreign muck like salami or bratwurst or something. 22 00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:17,686 They can't stop us eating the British sausage! 23 00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:23,205 They can stop us calling it a sausage. It'll be called the emulsified high-fat offal tube! 24 00:02:25,527 --> 00:02:27,722 And you swallowed it? 25 00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:33,079 It's my job to implement EEC regulations. It could finish my career. 26 00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:38,321 - What have they got against our sausage? - Don't you ever read the papers you give me? 27 00:02:38,487 --> 00:02:41,126 I glanced at it, but it rather put me off. 28 00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:44,085 Apparently, there's not enough meat in it. 29 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:49,844 "The average British sausage consists of 32.5% fat, 6.5% rind, 30 00:02:50,007 --> 00:02:55,081 "20% water, 10% rusk, 5% seasoning, preservative and colouring 31 00:02:55,247 --> 00:02:57,522 "and only 26% meat, 32 00:02:57,687 --> 00:03:01,839 "which is mostly gristle, head meat, other offcuts 33 00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:04,726 "and mechanically-recovered meat... 34 00:03:04,887 --> 00:03:07,401 "...steamed off the carcasses." 35 00:03:08,687 --> 00:03:11,599 I don't feel particularly... I had one... 36 00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:14,076 I had one for breakfast. 37 00:03:14,247 --> 00:03:17,000 Perhaps the EEC commissioner is right. 38 00:03:17,167 --> 00:03:21,046 He may be, but it'll be extremely unpopular with the voters. 39 00:03:21,207 --> 00:03:24,597 We shall just have to grit our teeth and bite on the bullet. 40 00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:29,761 You can't bite a bullet when gritting your teeth. If you do that, you can't get a bullet... 41 00:03:29,927 --> 00:03:31,246 Sorry. 42 00:03:31,407 --> 00:03:36,640 By the way, you were going to advise me what presents to get for the private office. 43 00:03:36,807 --> 00:03:40,720 That's up to you. Bottles of sherry for the assistant secretaries, 44 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:45,165 large boxes of mints for the diary secretary and correspondence secretary 45 00:03:45,327 --> 00:03:48,125 and small boxes of mints for the rest. 46 00:03:48,287 --> 00:03:51,085 - What about my Personal Private Secretary? - That's me. 47 00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:57,637 - Ah, yes, of course! What should I give you? - You don't have to give me anything. 48 00:03:57,807 --> 00:04:00,765 - I know, but I'd like to. - Oh, Minister... 49 00:04:00,927 --> 00:04:04,044 - Well, anything, really. - Such as? 50 00:04:04,207 --> 00:04:06,641 Well, really I would like a surprise. 51 00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:12,001 What sort of surprise should I give you? 52 00:04:12,167 --> 00:04:14,886 A bottle of champagne is the customary surprise. 53 00:04:16,407 --> 00:04:20,446 - What time is my meeting with Humphrey? - That's been cancelled. 54 00:04:20,607 --> 00:04:24,043 Sir Humphrey had an urgent meeting with the Cabinet Secretary. 55 00:04:24,207 --> 00:04:28,803 The Cabinet Secretary. Always makes me feel rather nervous. 56 00:04:28,967 --> 00:04:33,085 In some ways, Sir Arnold is the most powerful chap in the country. 57 00:04:33,247 --> 00:04:39,004 Permanent access to the PM, controls Cabinet agenda, controls access to everything. 58 00:04:39,167 --> 00:04:40,998 I wonder what he's up to? 59 00:04:44,967 --> 00:04:46,878 - By the way, Humphrey... - Yes? 60 00:04:47,047 --> 00:04:49,800 I've decided to retire early. 61 00:04:49,967 --> 00:04:52,401 Oh! Have you, Arnold? 62 00:04:52,567 --> 00:04:54,683 In the New Year. 63 00:04:56,247 --> 00:04:57,566 Ah... 64 00:04:59,447 --> 00:05:04,726 My successor has to be someone who can be firm with our political masters. 65 00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:07,720 Absolutely. No nonsense with that lot! 66 00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:10,640 - But tactful... - Exactly. 67 00:05:10,807 --> 00:05:15,437 - Suave, charming, emollient... - And above all, sound. 68 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,041 Sound? Oh, yes, sound. 69 00:05:18,207 --> 00:05:22,041 So my duty is to convey a recommendation to the Prime Minister 70 00:05:22,207 --> 00:05:27,998 as to which of the present Permanent Secretaries best meets these stringent criteria. 71 00:05:30,927 --> 00:05:33,043 And, er... 72 00:05:34,207 --> 00:05:38,644 ...Have you, er... Er, er, is there, er... Does anyone, er... 73 00:05:38,807 --> 00:05:45,360 You see, in this job, the problem isn't really finding the answers, it's finding the questions. 74 00:05:45,527 --> 00:05:49,156 We need the man who can find the key question. 75 00:05:56,167 --> 00:05:59,637 By the way, Arnold, to change the subject completely, 76 00:05:59,807 --> 00:06:04,597 - what will you be doing when you retire? - Ah, very good question! 77 00:06:05,607 --> 00:06:09,282 - Very good question. - There might be jobs you could pick up, 78 00:06:09,447 --> 00:06:14,157 ways you could serve the country, which your successor, whoever he might be, 79 00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:17,444 could put your way - er, persuade you to undertake! 80 00:06:18,807 --> 00:06:23,358 I had been giving it some thought. I'll be chairman of the Banque Occidentale 81 00:06:23,527 --> 00:06:27,361 and there'll be directorships of IBM and BP and so on. 82 00:06:27,527 --> 00:06:29,722 - But I was thinking... - Yes? 83 00:06:29,887 --> 00:06:34,119 The Chairmanship of the Opera House Trust will be coming up next year. 84 00:06:34,287 --> 00:06:39,486 - Chairman of Covent Garden... - And the chancellorship of Oxford. 85 00:06:39,647 --> 00:06:43,526 The deputy chairmanship of the Bank of England would be a... 86 00:06:43,687 --> 00:06:47,475 ...A challenge? - A challenge, exactly. 87 00:06:47,647 --> 00:06:50,400 And head of the Security Commission. 88 00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:55,118 The presidency of the Anglo-Caribbean Association would give one... 89 00:06:55,287 --> 00:06:58,404 ...a chance to be of service. 90 00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,205 Precisely! 91 00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:03,165 Especially during the winter months. 92 00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:08,955 I'm sure any successor worth his salt could arrange these. 93 00:07:09,127 --> 00:07:12,915 Do you think so? That's very reassuring, very reassuring. 94 00:07:13,087 --> 00:07:15,681 But there is another thing. 95 00:07:15,847 --> 00:07:21,683 Certain advice one may have given the Prime Minister could, if it emerged, be misinterpreted. 96 00:07:21,847 --> 00:07:25,806 - Er, what sort of advice? - All sensible and reasonable, 97 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:29,118 but advice about using troops during strikes. 98 00:07:29,287 --> 00:07:32,438 A very sensible precaution that they should be armed, 99 00:07:32,607 --> 00:07:36,486 but, taken out of context, machine guns... 100 00:07:36,647 --> 00:07:39,764 Oh, I'm sure that need never come out. 101 00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:45,877 And I did suggest negotiations with South Africa about reactivating the Simonstown naval base. 102 00:07:46,047 --> 00:07:51,246 Absolutely sensible strategically, of course, and a great help with the Falklands, 103 00:07:51,407 --> 00:07:56,003 but if one were in line for Secretary-General of the Commonwealth... 104 00:07:56,167 --> 00:08:00,797 Embarrassing. And you would be in line to be Secretary-General of the Commonwealth. 105 00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:03,401 Would I? How gratifying! 106 00:08:04,047 --> 00:08:10,805 And I'm sure that the right successor would see no problem in keeping those files under wraps. 107 00:08:10,967 --> 00:08:12,286 Good. 108 00:08:12,447 --> 00:08:15,007 Anyway, to get back to our original point, 109 00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:20,924 I think my colleagues and I can see our way forward to placing your name top of the list. 110 00:08:21,807 --> 00:08:23,240 I see. 111 00:08:24,447 --> 00:08:29,077 May I ask how many other names will be on the list? 112 00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:32,683 Oh, I don't think there's anyone else who's up to scratch. 113 00:08:32,847 --> 00:08:35,042 Have another drink. 114 00:08:36,007 --> 00:08:41,957 By the way, I've accepted the presidency of the Campaign for Freedom of Information. 115 00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:46,405 Freedom of Information?! What on earth for? 116 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:51,960 Well, it's very popular with the Opposition, and today's Opposition is tomorrow's government, 117 00:08:52,127 --> 00:08:56,245 and it will mean one can ensure that the freedom is not abused. 118 00:08:57,407 --> 00:09:01,719 So, here's to the continuity of sound government. 119 00:09:01,887 --> 00:09:04,526 And freedom of information. 120 00:09:04,687 --> 00:09:08,396 - Whenever it's in the national interest. - Oh, yes! 121 00:09:11,007 --> 00:09:13,202 (HE HUMS) 122 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:25,005 - Minister, I have some very grave news. - Yes, Humphrey? 123 00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:27,920 The relationship, which I might tentatively aver 124 00:09:28,087 --> 00:09:33,400 has been not without a degree of reciprocal utility, and even occasional gratification, 125 00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:37,719 is approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, 126 00:09:37,887 --> 00:09:41,277 is in the propinquity of its ultimate, regrettable, termination. 127 00:09:47,967 --> 00:09:49,286 I see. 128 00:09:51,527 --> 00:09:54,599 - I'm... on my way out. - What? 129 00:09:54,767 --> 00:10:00,239 There comes a time when one has to accept what fate has in store, when one passes on... 130 00:10:00,407 --> 00:10:01,920 Passes on?! 131 00:10:02,087 --> 00:10:04,521 ...to pastures new, perhaps greener... 132 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:10,205 ...and places oneself finally in the service of one who is greater than any of us. 133 00:10:10,367 --> 00:10:13,996 - Humphrey, I'm so sorry! - Thank you, Minister. 134 00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:18,285 - Does Lady Appleby know? - She's suspected it for some time. 135 00:10:18,447 --> 00:10:21,086 - When did they tell you? - This afternoon. 136 00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:24,603 - How long do they give you? - Just a few weeks. 137 00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:26,086 Weeks?! 138 00:10:26,247 --> 00:10:29,398 It'll give me enough time to sort everything out. 139 00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:32,400 Humphrey, you're so terribly brave! 140 00:10:32,567 --> 00:10:38,403 One is a little anxious. One is always wary of the unknown, but I have faith I'll muddle through. 141 00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:46,076 Minister, what's the matter? 142 00:10:46,527 --> 00:10:48,836 I'm sorry, Humphrey. 143 00:10:49,007 --> 00:10:53,125 It's just we've had our ups and downs, but... 144 00:10:53,287 --> 00:10:56,279 Oh, Minister, don't take on so! 145 00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:59,727 We'll still see one another regularly. 146 00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:06,725 - Yes, once a week at least. - What? 147 00:11:06,887 --> 00:11:09,879 - I haven't told you where I'm going yet. - Eh? 148 00:11:11,007 --> 00:11:14,477 I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet. 149 00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:19,676 - Secretary to the Cabinet? - Why, what did you think? 150 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,997 I... I thought... I thought... 151 00:11:23,727 --> 00:11:27,083 Sorry about crying. I'm not myself today, a little tired. 152 00:11:27,727 --> 00:11:30,719 Overwrought. Things have been, you know... 153 00:11:30,887 --> 00:11:32,639 I am so sorry. 154 00:11:32,807 --> 00:11:37,722 Perhaps as Cabinet Secretary designate I should suggest some lightening of the load... 155 00:11:37,887 --> 00:11:41,562 - No, no. Don't misunderstand me. I'm fine, fine! - Good, good. 156 00:11:41,727 --> 00:11:45,037 - So, you're going to be Cabinet Secretary. - Yes. 157 00:11:45,207 --> 00:11:47,767 - Cabinet Secretary! - Mm-hmm. 158 00:11:47,927 --> 00:11:50,600 - Secretary to the Cabinet! - YES! 159 00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:54,396 - That's a great honour. Congratulations. - Thank you. 160 00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:58,037 - 'Course, that means that you and I... - Alas, yes. 161 00:11:58,207 --> 00:12:01,119 - How shall I manage? - Probably even better without me. 162 00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:04,484 Yes, I probably... No, no, certainly not, no! 163 00:12:04,647 --> 00:12:10,085 So you're going to do for the Prime Minister what you've always done to me. 164 00:12:10,247 --> 00:12:11,646 For me! 165 00:12:12,687 --> 00:12:15,155 PM's right-hand man. 166 00:12:15,327 --> 00:12:19,240 - Advising on issues. - Quite so. 167 00:12:19,407 --> 00:12:23,286 And, er, and people, no doubt. 168 00:12:23,447 --> 00:12:25,244 Minister? 169 00:12:26,567 --> 00:12:28,956 - Humphrey... - Yes, Minister? 170 00:12:29,127 --> 00:12:33,484 I want you to know I think you've been absolutely wonderful. 171 00:12:34,127 --> 00:12:38,996 Highest admiration for all you've done. Wonderful work. Wonderful work. 172 00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:42,716 - Finest tradition of the service. - Minister, you're too kind. 173 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,357 I just hope you feel that I... In my... 174 00:12:48,127 --> 00:12:50,322 When things are... Well, it... 175 00:12:50,487 --> 00:12:52,682 If it should come up, er... 176 00:12:52,847 --> 00:12:56,078 I think we've made a jolly good team here, you and I? 177 00:12:56,247 --> 00:13:01,367 - I couldn't have wished for a better Minister. - Humphrey, you're too kind! 178 00:13:02,207 --> 00:13:05,165 When are you going to tell the staff? 179 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:08,239 On Friday evening, just before it's promulgated. 180 00:13:08,407 --> 00:13:13,765 - I will bid them farewell at the Christmas party. - That will certainly make it a happy occasion! 181 00:13:14,607 --> 00:13:18,122 - And sad. - Sad, yes, sad. 182 00:13:18,287 --> 00:13:20,039 Terribly sad. 183 00:13:21,327 --> 00:13:24,046 - Enjoying yourself? - Yes, thank you, Minister. 184 00:13:24,207 --> 00:13:27,517 - Enjoying yourself? - Yes, Minister. Lovely party. 185 00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:32,238 - Yes, it's frightfully good fun. - Always good to let your hair down. 186 00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:40,199 Right, now I think it's time I said a few words. 187 00:13:41,127 --> 00:13:44,437 This is a very, very special occasion for us all. 188 00:13:44,607 --> 00:13:47,838 Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men. 189 00:13:48,007 --> 00:13:50,123 Sorry, persons! 190 00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:55,961 It's always good to have this little get-together amongst the people who've served me, er... 191 00:13:56,127 --> 00:14:01,326 ...worked with me... for me... no, with me here at the Department of Adminis... 192 00:14:03,527 --> 00:14:05,563 ...Ministry of Administr... 193 00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,478 ...at the DAA. 194 00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:13,604 We're a team, like the Cabinet, except we're all on the same side... 195 00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:18,879 Not that the Cabinet... Well, I meant... really, the shadow Cabinet. 196 00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:23,164 Let's keep politics out of this. Season of goodwill. 197 00:14:24,327 --> 00:14:27,319 That's why Parliament doesn't sit over Christmas! 198 00:14:31,007 --> 00:14:34,636 Season of goodwill. Even to one's officials! 199 00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:40,486 Well, what can I say? Humphrey. 200 00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:44,117 (BERNARD) Sir Humphrey Appleby! (ALL) Sir Humphrey Appleby! 201 00:14:44,287 --> 00:14:49,998 Thank you. I'd just like to thank you all for all the hard work you've done all these years. 202 00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:56,561 An occasion like this engenders a certain emotional ambiguity and personal ambivalence. 203 00:14:56,727 --> 00:15:00,003 - What's he ambigulous about? - While one is, one should say, 204 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:04,319 honoured by the cause of one's departure, one is saddened by the fact of it - 205 00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:11,006 in particular, saddened to leave the service of a Minister without parallel in one's experience. 206 00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:13,317 I say, that's jolly decent. 207 00:15:13,487 --> 00:15:16,160 - A unique partnership. - Absolutely unique. 208 00:15:16,327 --> 00:15:19,763 So I should end by wishing a happy Christmas to you all, 209 00:15:19,927 --> 00:15:24,523 but in particular to a Minister whom, in the brief time we've had him with us 210 00:15:24,687 --> 00:15:28,999 we've watched grow in standing, stature and sureness of touch. 211 00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:32,637 So, seasonal felicitations to you all, 212 00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:37,756 but please, please, do remember the Home Secretary's campaign for the holiday: 213 00:15:37,927 --> 00:15:40,521 Don't drink and drive this Christmas. 214 00:15:40,687 --> 00:15:43,360 I'll drink to that! ...Oh, dear, I'm sorry! 215 00:15:46,887 --> 00:15:51,517 - I do wish you'd let me drive, Jim. - I'm driving perfectly stably. 216 00:15:51,687 --> 00:15:54,599 True, but we have to get home before dawn! 217 00:16:25,687 --> 00:16:28,440 Good evening, Cinstable. Happy Crispsmas. 218 00:16:28,607 --> 00:16:31,519 - May I see your licence, sir? - Certainly. 219 00:16:31,687 --> 00:16:35,077 - Aren't you Mr Jim Hacker? - That's right. 220 00:16:35,247 --> 00:16:40,116 - What seems to be the trouble? - Any reason you were driving so slowly? 221 00:16:40,287 --> 00:16:42,721 I didn't want the kerb to hit me... 222 00:16:42,887 --> 00:16:46,004 I didn't want to hit the kerb. 223 00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:49,557 Look, I've got a silver badge somewhere. 224 00:16:49,727 --> 00:16:54,676 - I see. Perhaps Constable Evans can drive you. - It's all right, Officer. I'll drive. 225 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,123 OK, Mrs Hacker. If you're in a proper state to drive. 226 00:16:58,287 --> 00:17:01,996 I don't drink, Officer. Well, not when my husband's driving. 227 00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:06,121 Nor do I, hardly. 228 00:17:10,047 --> 00:17:14,484 - There we are. - Nice little place you have here, Humphrey. 229 00:17:14,647 --> 00:17:18,435 - Thank you. - You handled your first Cabinet meeting well. 230 00:17:18,607 --> 00:17:23,203 - What was it like sitting next to the PM? - Do sit down, Minister. 231 00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:29,397 I've asked you to drop in for a coffee because the Home Office informs me of a traffic incident. 232 00:17:29,567 --> 00:17:30,886 Oh. 233 00:17:31,047 --> 00:17:34,039 - Yes, I see. - It's entirely your own affair... 234 00:17:34,207 --> 00:17:36,767 - Precisely. - But the PM takes a grave view. 235 00:17:36,927 --> 00:17:41,717 - He feels Ministers should set an example. - You're not ticking me off, are you? 236 00:17:41,887 --> 00:17:46,324 Far be it from me, I'm only a servant of the Cabinet, a humble functionary. 237 00:17:46,487 --> 00:17:49,718 But I need to assure the Home Office it won't occur again. 238 00:17:49,887 --> 00:17:54,358 - What do they give us silver badges for? - It's a very special privilege, Minister. 239 00:17:54,527 --> 00:17:59,647 It allows us to pass through police cordons and park in prohibited areas and so forth. 240 00:17:59,807 --> 00:18:02,924 It is not to protect drunks who drive cars. 241 00:18:04,727 --> 00:18:09,755 I will not be lectured by a functionary, even one as humble as your good self. 242 00:18:09,927 --> 00:18:14,717 - I'm a Minister of the Crown. - Yes, of course. I do apologise. 243 00:18:14,887 --> 00:18:18,926 I will inform the Crown of the incident if that is your wish. 244 00:18:22,807 --> 00:18:24,365 I... 245 00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:29,638 Now I think of it, you can tell the Home Office I take the point. 246 00:18:29,807 --> 00:18:34,756 - Thank you, Minister. - Does the Home Secretary himself know? 247 00:18:34,927 --> 00:18:37,202 It hardly matters. 248 00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:41,804 I'm afraid the Home Secretary has not been as lucky as you were, 249 00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:44,606 which is why he wasn't at Cabinet. 250 00:18:46,407 --> 00:18:51,242 As you're aware, he initiated this "Don't drink and drive at Christmas" campaign 251 00:18:51,407 --> 00:18:53,682 and ordered the police to "get tough". 252 00:18:53,847 --> 00:18:55,599 Well, unfortunately... 253 00:18:56,487 --> 00:19:01,515 ...he, too, was picked up last night for drunken driving in his own constituency. 254 00:19:02,487 --> 00:19:05,479 Have you seen the first edition of the Standard? 255 00:19:11,447 --> 00:19:15,440 - Where on earth was his security man? - He'd given him the slip. 256 00:19:15,607 --> 00:19:18,599 You know how cunning these drunks can be. 257 00:19:20,487 --> 00:19:24,036 Couldn't they have hushed it up? Silver badge job? 258 00:19:24,207 --> 00:19:30,396 His case was rather different. He caused a lorry to overturn. It was full of nuclear waste. 259 00:19:32,927 --> 00:19:38,797 Then he rebounded from the lorry into a private car driven by the editor of a local newspaper. 260 00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:40,286 Oh, no. 261 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:43,405 - Inevitably, it leaked out. - The nuclear waste? 262 00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,159 No, the story. 263 00:19:47,007 --> 00:19:50,602 - The Home Secretary will have to resign. - Alas, yes. 264 00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:53,235 - What will happen to him? - Well... 265 00:19:53,407 --> 00:19:59,164 I gather he was as drunk as a lord, so after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one! 266 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,520 He's obviously been held up. 267 00:20:04,727 --> 00:20:07,525 You can stamp some cards if you like. 268 00:20:07,687 --> 00:20:09,757 - Aren't they to constituents? - Yes. 269 00:20:09,927 --> 00:20:15,684 That's not government business, that's political activity. I'm not allowed to help with that. 270 00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,281 - If they're to journalists? - That'd be OK. 271 00:20:18,447 --> 00:20:20,722 - They're to journalists. - Fine. 272 00:20:21,207 --> 00:20:25,405 I suppose licking is an essential part of relationships with the press. 273 00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:31,645 - I hear the reshuffle is about to be announced. - It may be on the news. 274 00:20:31,807 --> 00:20:36,005 I like to watch the news. It's my best chance of finding out where Jim is. 275 00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:41,161 (NEWSREADER)... There was no question of American military personnel getting involved. 276 00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:45,320 We've j'ust had a newsflash from Number 10 Downing Street. 277 00:20:45,487 --> 00:20:48,604 The Prime Minister is to retire early in the New Year. 278 00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:51,645 He does not want to serve in another Parliament, 279 00:20:51,807 --> 00:20:55,083 giving his successor a good run-up to the next election. 280 00:20:55,247 --> 00:20:58,364 We'll bring you further news as soon as we can. 281 00:20:58,527 --> 00:21:00,802 (ALL) Have you heard? (ALL) Yes! 282 00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:04,801 - The emergency Cabinet meeting was to tell us. - Why so suddenly? 283 00:21:04,967 --> 00:21:10,724 He said to give his successor a good run-up to the next election, so that can't be the reason. 284 00:21:10,887 --> 00:21:14,562 - Why, then? - Some extraordinary rumours are going about. 285 00:21:14,727 --> 00:21:17,480 The left say he's a secret CIA agent. 286 00:21:17,647 --> 00:21:22,767 - The right say he's a secret KGB agent. - Minister, I've heard something quite different, 287 00:21:22,927 --> 00:21:27,717 that there is £1 million-worth of diamonds from South Africa in a Downing Street safe, 288 00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:30,037 - but it's only a rumour. - Is that true? 289 00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:31,526 Yes. 290 00:21:32,607 --> 00:21:36,122 So, there ARE all those diamonds in Downing Street! 291 00:21:36,287 --> 00:21:38,676 - Are there? - You said there were! 292 00:21:38,847 --> 00:21:40,599 - I didn't. - You did! 293 00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:44,396 - I said is the rumour true, you said yes! - True it's a rumour. 294 00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,876 - You heard it was true! - True I heard it! 295 00:21:47,047 --> 00:21:51,518 - Sorry to cut in, but do you believe it? - I believe I heard it. 296 00:21:51,687 --> 00:21:55,157 - Oh, about the diamonds? No. - Is it impossible? 297 00:21:55,327 --> 00:21:58,285 No, but it's never been officially denied. 298 00:21:58,447 --> 00:22:02,804 First rule of politics: Never believe anything until it's officially denied. 299 00:22:02,967 --> 00:22:06,437 - Will there be a general election? - There's no need. 300 00:22:06,607 --> 00:22:09,997 The majority's big enough. We'll just choose a new leader. 301 00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:12,681 - Do you want the job? - Me? No chance! 302 00:22:12,847 --> 00:22:15,361 It'll either be Eric or Duncan. 303 00:22:15,527 --> 00:22:18,439 It should have been Ray. He was Deputy Leader. 304 00:22:18,607 --> 00:22:21,485 But as he's had to resign as Home Secretary... 305 00:22:22,127 --> 00:22:27,121 - Of course! That's why the PM resigned! - (BERNARD) Why? 306 00:22:27,287 --> 00:22:33,044 He's always hated Ray. He just hung on to make sure his deputy didn't get the leadership! 307 00:22:34,567 --> 00:22:36,159 Like Attlee and Morrison. 308 00:22:36,327 --> 00:22:40,957 So the resignation is to give time for the new leader to be run in before the election? 309 00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:46,360 - Now that the Home Secretary's been run in! - Eric wants my support for the leadership. 310 00:22:46,527 --> 00:22:50,759 He could be the right man. He's been a fairly successful Chancellor. 311 00:22:50,927 --> 00:22:54,761 I've already indicated that I'm... on his side. 312 00:22:54,927 --> 00:22:58,602 - What about Duncan? - Yes, Duncan could be the man. 313 00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:01,565 He's done fairly well at the Foreign Office. 314 00:23:01,727 --> 00:23:05,800 - I think I'll support Duncan. - You're supporting Eric AND Duncan? 315 00:23:05,967 --> 00:23:10,199 It's all very well, but if I support Eric and Duncan gets it, that's it. 316 00:23:10,367 --> 00:23:14,485 - If I support Duncan and Eric gets it, that's it. - Don't support either! 317 00:23:14,647 --> 00:23:17,844 - Whoever gets it, that's it. - So who are you supporting? 318 00:23:18,007 --> 00:23:19,759 Duncan. 319 00:23:22,807 --> 00:23:24,286 Or Eric. 320 00:23:25,327 --> 00:23:29,525 Duncan's so divisive. It really would be for the good of the party, 321 00:23:29,687 --> 00:23:33,236 - the good of the country... - Eric, I don't see how I can. 322 00:23:33,407 --> 00:23:37,320 Your support would be crucial. You're universally popular... 323 00:23:37,487 --> 00:23:40,001 - I don't know... - Good public image... 324 00:23:40,167 --> 00:23:42,556 - Yes... - Regarded as sound. 325 00:23:42,727 --> 00:23:45,639 - Am I? - So, if you put your weight behind me... 326 00:23:45,807 --> 00:23:49,004 You see my problem as chairman of the party. 327 00:23:49,167 --> 00:23:53,080 - What would happen if Duncan got it? Disaster! - Well... 328 00:23:53,247 --> 00:23:56,523 Tell you what. I wouldn't keep him at the Foreign Office. 329 00:23:57,407 --> 00:23:59,875 I'd look for a new Foreign Secretary. 330 00:24:04,967 --> 00:24:08,039 But as I said, I must appear impartial. 331 00:24:09,207 --> 00:24:13,758 But if there could be ways of hinting at my support for you... 332 00:24:14,607 --> 00:24:17,599 ...in a perfectly impartial way... 333 00:24:23,247 --> 00:24:28,275 - But Duncan, as chairman of the party... - As such you carry even more weight. 334 00:24:28,447 --> 00:24:31,723 You haven't got any real enemies. Not yet, anyway. 335 00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:34,765 But it's my job to be impartial. 336 00:24:34,927 --> 00:24:38,966 - If Eric got into Number 10 it'd be catastrophic. - Yes... 337 00:24:39,127 --> 00:24:42,164 Jim, we're on the same side, aren't we? 338 00:24:43,127 --> 00:24:44,640 - Yes. - Good. 339 00:24:44,807 --> 00:24:48,277 I'm going to win and I never forgive people who let me down. 340 00:24:51,087 --> 00:24:53,965 I can't make my support too public. 341 00:24:54,127 --> 00:24:58,405 It doesn't have to be public, just so long as everybody knows. 342 00:24:59,487 --> 00:25:03,765 Then when I'm in Number 10, and Eric's in Northern Ireland... 343 00:25:07,687 --> 00:25:12,203 - we know who'll be the next Chancellor, don't we? - Do we? 344 00:25:13,647 --> 00:25:15,877 You mean...? 345 00:25:16,487 --> 00:25:19,399 Unless you fancy Northern Ireland yourself? 346 00:25:28,047 --> 00:25:31,960 How are things at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information? 347 00:25:32,127 --> 00:25:34,402 Sorry, I can't talk about that. 348 00:25:39,367 --> 00:25:45,476 So, will the new PM be our eminent Chancellor, or our distinguished Foreign Secretary? 349 00:25:45,647 --> 00:25:48,445 Well, which do you think it should be? 350 00:25:48,607 --> 00:25:53,397 Difficult. Like asking which lunatic should run the asylum. 351 00:25:53,567 --> 00:25:58,687 Trouble is, they're both interventionists, with notions about running the country themselves 352 00:25:58,847 --> 00:26:01,680 - if they became PM. - Have we any allies? 353 00:26:01,847 --> 00:26:04,520 Quite a few, the Chief Whip particularly. 354 00:26:04,687 --> 00:26:09,317 He's worried that whichever gets the job will antagonise the other's supporters 355 00:26:09,487 --> 00:26:13,765 - and split the party. - So we need a compromise candidate. 356 00:26:13,927 --> 00:26:15,963 Hmm. Malleable. 357 00:26:16,127 --> 00:26:17,685 - Flexible. - Likeable. 358 00:26:17,847 --> 00:26:19,838 - No firm opinions. - No bright ideas. 359 00:26:20,007 --> 00:26:25,604 - Not intellectually committed. - No strength of purpose to change anything. 360 00:26:25,767 --> 00:26:29,885 Someone who can be manipulated, professionally guided. 361 00:26:30,047 --> 00:26:33,960 And leave the business of government in the hands of the experts. 362 00:26:53,487 --> 00:26:56,763 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! It's impossible. 363 00:26:56,927 --> 00:27:03,446 Why? A lot of the government would welcome a less-interventionist leader. 364 00:27:03,607 --> 00:27:07,236 - Not the other two candidates! - They might be persuaded. 365 00:27:07,407 --> 00:27:12,162 - What, to stand aside? - Yes. Have you seen their Ml5 files? 366 00:27:12,887 --> 00:27:17,199 - No. - Always send for Cabinet Ministers' Ml5 files 367 00:27:17,367 --> 00:27:19,881 if you enjoy a good laugh! 368 00:27:21,927 --> 00:27:23,997 - Oh, Bernard. - Sir. 369 00:27:24,167 --> 00:27:26,601 - Just... - Thank you very much. 370 00:27:26,767 --> 00:27:28,917 - Do sit down. - Thank you. 371 00:27:31,287 --> 00:27:34,165 - Happy New Year, by the way. - Thank you. 372 00:27:34,327 --> 00:27:35,840 Right. 373 00:27:36,007 --> 00:27:37,360 So... 374 00:27:37,527 --> 00:27:44,080 ...this is our very last piece of DAA business. - Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir Humphrey. 375 00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:45,760 Ah, well. 376 00:27:46,767 --> 00:27:50,123 Bernard, just let me ask you something. 377 00:27:50,847 --> 00:27:53,884 What would you say to your present master... 378 00:27:56,287 --> 00:27:58,755 ...as the next Prime Minister? 379 00:28:01,927 --> 00:28:03,804 - The Minister? - Yes. 380 00:28:03,967 --> 00:28:05,844 - Mr Hacker? - Yes. 381 00:28:06,647 --> 00:28:09,241 - As Prime Minister? - Yes. 382 00:28:11,007 --> 00:28:15,205 - Are you in a hurry? - Just checking it's not April 1st. 383 00:28:19,727 --> 00:28:24,039 Are you suggesting your Minister is not up to the job of Prime Minister? 384 00:28:24,207 --> 00:28:26,880 Oh, no, Sir Arnold, it's not for me to, er... 385 00:28:27,047 --> 00:28:31,120 Well, I mean... Of course, I'm... I'm sure he's, er... 386 00:28:32,847 --> 00:28:34,360 Oh, gosh! 387 00:28:34,527 --> 00:28:38,964 There is a body of opinion that sees many advantages in the appointment. 388 00:28:39,127 --> 00:28:41,516 - For Britain. - For Britain. 389 00:28:41,687 --> 00:28:44,759 - Yes, well, yes... - So we trust you 390 00:28:44,927 --> 00:28:50,604 to ensure your Minister does nothing incisive or divisive over the next few weeks. 391 00:28:50,767 --> 00:28:56,922 - Avoids anything controversial. - Expresses no firm opinion about anything. 392 00:28:57,727 --> 00:29:03,484 - Now, is that quite clear? - I think that's what he was planning anyway. 393 00:29:08,927 --> 00:29:13,842 What's it all for, Bernard? What are we all doing? What does it all mean? 394 00:29:14,007 --> 00:29:16,646 I didn't read theology, Minister. 395 00:29:16,807 --> 00:29:20,356 The waste of it all. Take that EEC reception last night. 396 00:29:20,527 --> 00:29:26,636 Humphrey introduced me to an official who pays farmers to produce surplus food 397 00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:32,757 and then he introduced me to another official who pays others to destroy all the surpluses. 398 00:29:32,927 --> 00:29:38,399 Then they pay thousands of bureaucrats to push masses of paper round to make it all work. 399 00:29:38,567 --> 00:29:43,846 - Doesn't the futility of it all depress you? - Not really. I'm a civil servant. 400 00:29:46,087 --> 00:29:48,920 I've been talking to Eric and Duncan. 401 00:29:49,767 --> 00:29:52,839 I think I've promised to support Eric's candidature. 402 00:29:53,007 --> 00:29:56,841 - I see. - Then I think I promised to support Duncan's. 403 00:29:57,007 --> 00:30:02,161 - That sounds very even-handed, Minister. - But I can't keep both promises. Sherry? 404 00:30:02,327 --> 00:30:06,639 - Thank you. They were only political promises. - Yes... What do you mean? 405 00:30:07,047 --> 00:30:11,040 I mean, like your manifesto promises, people understand. 406 00:30:11,207 --> 00:30:12,526 Yes. 407 00:30:12,687 --> 00:30:18,444 Trouble is, I can't remember either of them making any categorical promises to me. 408 00:30:18,607 --> 00:30:22,919 - Then you have no problem. - I have. I've still to decide who to support. 409 00:30:23,087 --> 00:30:26,682 It's not just picking the winner. My support could tip the balance. 410 00:30:26,847 --> 00:30:31,557 The question is, do I want to be Foreign Secretary or Chancellor of the Exchequer? 411 00:30:31,727 --> 00:30:34,400 - Neither, do you? - Why not? 412 00:30:34,567 --> 00:30:37,127 They're both such terrible jobs! 413 00:30:37,287 --> 00:30:40,518 You're talking about two of the top three Cabinet jobs. 414 00:30:40,687 --> 00:30:42,086 I realise that. 415 00:30:42,247 --> 00:30:45,956 - As a civil servant, you don't understand politics. - Sorry. 416 00:30:46,127 --> 00:30:48,687 To be a success, you have to be in the limelight. 417 00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:53,875 You have a very high profile as Chancellor of the Exchequer, and that has to be good for votes. 418 00:30:54,047 --> 00:30:57,926 - You see now, don't you? - But with respect, Minister... 419 00:30:58,087 --> 00:31:02,126 The Chancellor is Mr Killjoy. Raising taxes on beer and cigarettes 420 00:31:02,287 --> 00:31:06,565 and cutting down public spending goes down badly with the electorate. 421 00:31:08,207 --> 00:31:13,600 Maybe I don't want to be Chancellor of the Exchequer. There's no escape in that job. 422 00:31:13,767 --> 00:31:18,887 No, Minister. Unless you're sent to the Foreign and Commonwealth Office as a punishment. 423 00:31:19,047 --> 00:31:21,720 - Punishment? - It's an even worse job. 424 00:31:21,887 --> 00:31:24,321 - No votes in Foreign Affairs? - Exactly. 425 00:31:24,487 --> 00:31:28,036 The FCO loves foreigners, but the British people don't. 426 00:31:28,207 --> 00:31:29,799 Quite. 427 00:31:30,367 --> 00:31:34,440 As far as world politics goes, the Foreign Office is an irrelevance. 428 00:31:34,607 --> 00:31:38,998 We've no real power. We're just an American missile base! 429 00:31:39,167 --> 00:31:40,646 Yes, Minister. 430 00:31:40,807 --> 00:31:43,640 Between the devil and the deep blue sea. 431 00:31:43,807 --> 00:31:47,038 Unless... Of course, there is one other option. 432 00:31:47,207 --> 00:31:49,801 - What other option? - Do the middle job. 433 00:31:49,967 --> 00:31:55,644 Middle job? What, Home Secretary? Responsible for all the muggings, jailbreaks and race riots? 434 00:31:55,807 --> 00:31:59,925 - No, thank you! - No, be the one who takes all the credit. 435 00:32:01,047 --> 00:32:03,845 What do you mean? You mean...? 436 00:32:05,127 --> 00:32:07,516 You don't mean...? 437 00:32:10,407 --> 00:32:13,319 You do mean...? 438 00:32:13,887 --> 00:32:16,799 How's it all looking from the Chief Whip's office? 439 00:32:16,967 --> 00:32:20,801 If Eric gets it we'll have a party split in three months. 440 00:32:20,967 --> 00:32:23,242 If it's Duncan, it'll take three weeks. 441 00:32:23,407 --> 00:32:27,116 Geoffrey, the PM's asked me to take you into my confidence. 442 00:32:27,287 --> 00:32:33,237 I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are, how shall I say, security question marks 443 00:32:33,407 --> 00:32:35,875 over both the current candidates. 444 00:32:36,047 --> 00:32:39,926 - What question marks? - Alas, I can say no more. 445 00:32:41,847 --> 00:32:45,442 The only person I can disclose this to in the PM's absence, 446 00:32:45,607 --> 00:32:49,316 and as it is essentially a party matter, is the chairman of the party. 447 00:32:49,487 --> 00:32:51,921 - Jim Hacker. - He's promised to join us. 448 00:32:52,087 --> 00:32:56,478 But in the meantime, do you think the party can find a compromise candidate? 449 00:32:56,647 --> 00:33:03,200 - Could be any one of half a dozen. - Have you considered the party chairman? 450 00:33:04,047 --> 00:33:06,083 Jim Hacker?! 451 00:33:08,287 --> 00:33:10,482 Jim Hacker... 452 00:33:10,647 --> 00:33:12,956 Yes, it is possible, isn't it? 453 00:33:13,127 --> 00:33:17,006 After all, there have been less likely Prime Ministers. 454 00:33:17,767 --> 00:33:19,280 Yes... 455 00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:21,720 Who? 456 00:33:22,847 --> 00:33:25,486 Oh, there must have been! 457 00:33:25,647 --> 00:33:27,763 (BUZZER) 458 00:33:27,927 --> 00:33:31,761 Yes? Oh, all right. Send him in. 459 00:33:34,847 --> 00:33:37,281 Minister, so good of you to call. 460 00:33:37,447 --> 00:33:39,199 - Henry. - Morning. 461 00:33:39,367 --> 00:33:41,676 Do sit down. Minister... 462 00:33:41,847 --> 00:33:45,237 ...I have a problem and I need your help. 463 00:33:45,407 --> 00:33:48,285 Oh, dear! Can't you run the country on your own? 464 00:33:51,047 --> 00:33:55,120 - It is a rather grave matter, I'm afraid. - Yes, of course. 465 00:33:56,207 --> 00:34:01,406 It's to do with the leadership election. The PM felt we had no alternative but to call you in. 466 00:34:01,567 --> 00:34:03,285 That bad, eh? 467 00:34:04,127 --> 00:34:06,925 There are certain items of confidential information 468 00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:10,921 which, while in theory might be susceptible of innocent interpretation, 469 00:34:11,087 --> 00:34:14,966 do nevertheless contain a sufficient element of ambiguity, 470 00:34:15,127 --> 00:34:19,325 so that were they to be presented in a less than generous manner, 471 00:34:19,487 --> 00:34:23,162 might be a source of great embarrassment and even hazard 472 00:34:23,327 --> 00:34:29,004 were they to impinge upon the deliberations of an office of more than usual sensitivity. 473 00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:31,478 I'm sorry? 474 00:34:34,487 --> 00:34:39,003 - He's talking about security question marks. - Security? What do you mean? 475 00:34:39,167 --> 00:34:42,204 - Secrets. - I know what security means. 476 00:34:42,367 --> 00:34:45,837 - But what do you mean? - I'm not allowed to know. 477 00:34:46,007 --> 00:34:47,804 - Why not? - Security. 478 00:34:50,887 --> 00:34:55,278 So, since in the PM's absence you are deputising on party matters, 479 00:34:55,447 --> 00:34:59,565 may I show you the security file on the Chancellor of the Exchequer? 480 00:34:59,727 --> 00:35:03,163 Technically, I can't show you any of it, but, er... 481 00:35:07,087 --> 00:35:11,205 ...under the circumstances, I feel I can show you relevant items. 482 00:35:11,367 --> 00:35:15,076 Here's a summary of the reports from the security services. 483 00:35:16,407 --> 00:35:18,318 Special Branch... 484 00:35:18,487 --> 00:35:20,045 There we are. 485 00:35:20,207 --> 00:35:22,846 Interview with his driver. 486 00:35:25,607 --> 00:35:28,758 And the PM's confidential memo. 487 00:35:30,087 --> 00:35:33,284 - Strictest secrecy, of course. - Of course. 488 00:35:36,687 --> 00:35:38,598 Dirty old...! 489 00:35:41,047 --> 00:35:43,800 You wouldn't have thought he had the time, 490 00:35:43,967 --> 00:35:46,197 a workaholic like Eric. 491 00:35:46,367 --> 00:35:50,519 I've found that people who are highly active in one area of life 492 00:35:50,687 --> 00:35:53,326 tend to be equally active in all the others. 493 00:35:53,487 --> 00:35:55,637 You wouldn't think he went in for... 494 00:35:55,807 --> 00:35:59,959 I understand the current expression is horizontal jogging, Minister. 495 00:36:03,527 --> 00:36:07,202 All this was some time ago and it doesn't seem very conclusive. 496 00:36:07,367 --> 00:36:10,677 That's why the PM thought it all right for him to be Chancellor. 497 00:36:10,847 --> 00:36:14,078 But the Yugoslavian one and the two South Africans, 498 00:36:14,247 --> 00:36:17,125 not to mention the shady lady from Argentina... 499 00:36:17,287 --> 00:36:22,077 - And it's thought she's just a cover anyway. - Cover? What for? 500 00:36:22,247 --> 00:36:23,726 Good heavens! 501 00:36:23,887 --> 00:36:29,519 If all these ladies were just covers, what on earth were his real requirements? 502 00:36:30,767 --> 00:36:33,804 - I really can't tell you. - Ooh! 503 00:36:34,967 --> 00:36:39,995 So it was thought that Defence and the Foreign Office might be too delicate. 504 00:36:40,167 --> 00:36:43,523 - I can see that! - Then, if he were PM... 505 00:36:43,687 --> 00:36:47,123 he'd be head of security services as well. It's unthinkable. 506 00:36:47,287 --> 00:36:53,157 - You're saying it's got to be Duncan. - I was coming to that. This is his file. 507 00:36:54,007 --> 00:36:56,316 Special Branch again. 508 00:36:56,487 --> 00:36:59,320 Then we have the Fraud Squad... 509 00:37:00,447 --> 00:37:02,517 Inland Revenue... 510 00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:06,760 Secret auditors' reports, Bank of England foreign exchange division... 511 00:37:06,927 --> 00:37:09,282 How much do you want? 512 00:37:09,447 --> 00:37:12,564 All this was technically legal at the time, wasn't it? 513 00:37:12,727 --> 00:37:17,562 Yes, it may have been technically, but it ruled him out of consideration for the Treasury. 514 00:37:17,727 --> 00:37:20,605 How did they get all this - Ml5? 515 00:37:20,767 --> 00:37:25,079 Er, well, let's just say it's all been gone into quite enough. 516 00:37:25,247 --> 00:37:27,283 Like the shady lady! 517 00:37:29,527 --> 00:37:34,282 - Isn't it all astounding, all this? - I don't know. I haven't seen it! 518 00:37:36,887 --> 00:37:41,722 - Humphrey, don't think me foolish... - Oh, Minister, perish the thought! 519 00:37:41,887 --> 00:37:46,085 - Forgive me, Geoffrey. Why are you here? - We dare not allow these scandals. 520 00:37:46,247 --> 00:37:50,286 If they are so embarrassing, it would embarrass the country and the party 521 00:37:50,447 --> 00:37:52,915 if either of them became head of government. 522 00:37:53,087 --> 00:37:56,875 - We can't be caught with our trousers down. - Like Eric! 523 00:37:58,647 --> 00:38:00,365 I see. 524 00:38:01,407 --> 00:38:03,523 Yes, this is serious. 525 00:38:03,687 --> 00:38:05,643 - Very serious. - Very serious. 526 00:38:05,807 --> 00:38:10,244 - What could happen if one them became PM? - Something very serious indeed. 527 00:38:10,407 --> 00:38:12,602 - Very serious. - I see. 528 00:38:13,047 --> 00:38:16,801 - Serious repercussions... - Serious repercussions... 529 00:38:16,967 --> 00:38:19,401 ...of the utmost seriousness. 530 00:38:19,887 --> 00:38:22,401 Yes, that is serious. 531 00:38:22,567 --> 00:38:27,561 In fact, I would go so far as to say that it could hardly be more serious. 532 00:38:29,887 --> 00:38:33,323 Well, I think we're all agreed, then, this is serious. 533 00:38:33,487 --> 00:38:34,920 Yes. 534 00:38:35,087 --> 00:38:37,282 What happens now? 535 00:38:37,447 --> 00:38:40,280 The party needs to agree on another candidate, quick. 536 00:38:40,447 --> 00:38:44,884 - The Chief Whip wondered if you had any ideas. - As you're Party Chairman. 537 00:38:45,047 --> 00:38:47,515 Well, it's rather difficult. 538 00:38:47,687 --> 00:38:53,478 You're looking for somebody with outstanding qualities, a potential Prime Minister. 539 00:38:53,647 --> 00:38:56,320 - Someone who's sound. - Yes. 540 00:38:57,447 --> 00:38:58,926 Likeable. 541 00:39:00,887 --> 00:39:02,525 Flexible. 542 00:39:02,687 --> 00:39:04,917 Yes. Normal. 543 00:39:07,447 --> 00:39:09,085 - Solvent. - Yes. 544 00:39:09,247 --> 00:39:12,603 And acceptable to both wings of the party. 545 00:39:12,767 --> 00:39:16,680 And someone who understands how to take advice, Minister. 546 00:39:16,847 --> 00:39:18,963 Yes. Well... 547 00:39:19,567 --> 00:39:22,400 Gosh! Who can I suggest? 548 00:39:24,367 --> 00:39:27,757 - Have you thought of doing the job yourself? - Me?! 549 00:39:27,927 --> 00:39:31,078 - Why not? - Wouldn't you want to be Prime Minister? 550 00:39:31,247 --> 00:39:36,241 I'd love to be, but... It's a very big job. I'm not sure I could. Prime Minister! 551 00:39:36,407 --> 00:39:40,798 Perhaps the Minister feels he's not absolutely Prime Ministerial calibre. 552 00:39:40,967 --> 00:39:45,961 - There isn't any doubt about that, Humphrey. - No, not in my mind. But you seem hesitant. 553 00:39:46,127 --> 00:39:49,676 Modesty forbids. But I have no doubt I can do the job. 554 00:39:49,847 --> 00:39:53,999 - Modestly put, Minister. - There's only one fly in the ointment. 555 00:39:54,167 --> 00:39:59,161 You're a bit of an outsider. Can you organise some public success in the next few days? 556 00:39:59,327 --> 00:40:03,366 A tall order. I'm up to my neck in the Euro sausage! 557 00:40:05,367 --> 00:40:09,440 Won't it be enough to start campaigning, let people know I want the job? 558 00:40:09,607 --> 00:40:13,600 Quite the reverse! Better to let people know you DON'T want it. 559 00:40:13,767 --> 00:40:17,203 - Would that be enough? - If you tell everybody that, yes. 560 00:40:17,367 --> 00:40:22,043 Leave the campaigning to me. Say you have no ambitions in that direction. 561 00:40:22,207 --> 00:40:26,485 Yes. But supposing somebody says, "Does that mean you refuse to stand?" 562 00:40:26,647 --> 00:40:31,402 - You know how the media try to trap you. - Minister, it's not my place, but, er, 563 00:40:31,567 --> 00:40:36,800 previously the acceptable answer has been, "While one does not seek the office, 564 00:40:36,967 --> 00:40:40,004 "one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country, 565 00:40:40,167 --> 00:40:44,843 "and if one's friends were to persuade one that was the best way one could serve, 566 00:40:45,007 --> 00:40:51,799 "one might have to accept the responsibility whatever one's own private wishes might be." 567 00:40:58,007 --> 00:41:02,683 "...private wishes might be." Yes, I think I've got that. 568 00:41:02,847 --> 00:41:06,044 So, it's a three-way election, then. 569 00:41:06,207 --> 00:41:10,200 Ideally, it should be an unopposed election. Unity sits well with the public. 570 00:41:10,367 --> 00:41:13,518 - The party will welcome that. - Eric and Duncan won't! 571 00:41:13,687 --> 00:41:16,406 Eric and Duncan must be persuaded to withdraw. 572 00:41:17,767 --> 00:41:23,717 - Oh. You mean you'll have a word with them. - I can't. I haven't seen the files. 573 00:41:23,887 --> 00:41:27,800 - Humphrey, then. - No, it's an internal party matter. 574 00:41:27,967 --> 00:41:30,845 - It would be most improper. - Well, who... 575 00:41:32,887 --> 00:41:34,843 You don't mean...? 576 00:41:35,007 --> 00:41:38,158 - I can't! - No one else can. 577 00:41:38,847 --> 00:41:43,796 You want me to tell one of my colleagues he's a swindler and the other he's a pervert! 578 00:41:44,767 --> 00:41:49,124 Not in so many words! Say you don't believe they've done anything wrong. 579 00:41:49,287 --> 00:41:53,678 - Just let them know you know something. - They'll tell me to mind my own business! 580 00:41:53,847 --> 00:41:59,399 Then you say, as Chairman, it's your duty to see the information reaches those who need to know. 581 00:41:59,567 --> 00:42:04,960 The Party Executive, major contributors, elder statesmen, patrons, the Palace, perhaps. 582 00:42:06,127 --> 00:42:10,040 Tell each of them they have no alternative but to pull out 583 00:42:10,207 --> 00:42:13,244 and support someone who will protect them. 584 00:42:13,407 --> 00:42:16,319 You want me to protect them? 585 00:42:16,487 --> 00:42:20,799 It's nobody else's business as long as security's not involved. 586 00:42:20,967 --> 00:42:25,995 - I don't have the stomach for the task. - You have no choice now that you know. 587 00:42:26,167 --> 00:42:30,843 Nobody else knows that I know. Let's just forget all about it! 588 00:42:31,807 --> 00:42:35,243 - That would be very courageous. - Courageous? Why? 589 00:42:35,407 --> 00:42:41,118 If anything were to happen and it later emerged you had the information and suppressed it... 590 00:42:41,287 --> 00:42:46,805 - You mean you'd leak it? - Covering up for your chums... 591 00:42:46,967 --> 00:42:50,960 Greater love hath no man than this, that he should lay down his career. 592 00:42:51,127 --> 00:42:53,402 Humphrey, you're threatening me! 593 00:42:55,207 --> 00:42:57,675 No, Minister, I'm helping you. 594 00:42:59,487 --> 00:43:03,685 You see, Jim, there's one other quality Prime Ministers need. 595 00:43:03,847 --> 00:43:05,883 The killer instinct. 596 00:43:07,127 --> 00:43:09,243 The killer instinct. 597 00:43:09,807 --> 00:43:11,286 Yes. 598 00:43:13,727 --> 00:43:15,479 Ah, thanks. 599 00:43:15,647 --> 00:43:21,119 - Well, here's to Number 10, eh? - Thanks... I mean, yes. 600 00:43:30,367 --> 00:43:32,085 What's up, Jim? 601 00:43:32,247 --> 00:43:34,158 Duncan... 602 00:43:34,327 --> 00:43:37,524 ...I have a problem. - You're not going to support me. 603 00:43:37,687 --> 00:43:39,757 - Yes. No. - Yes, no? 604 00:43:39,927 --> 00:43:41,280 Exactly. 605 00:43:41,447 --> 00:43:44,757 Some information has come my way. 606 00:43:44,927 --> 00:43:47,885 - Oh, yes? - Serious information. 607 00:43:48,047 --> 00:43:54,839 - Concerning your personal... financial operations. - I beg your pardon? 608 00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:59,046 - About the collapse of Continental and General. - That was just bad luck. 609 00:43:59,207 --> 00:44:02,404 The transfer of funds to directors' nominee companies. 610 00:44:02,567 --> 00:44:05,877 - There's nothing wrong with that. - Technically, but... 611 00:44:06,047 --> 00:44:09,926 ...in conjunction with a similar case at Offshore Securities? 612 00:44:11,807 --> 00:44:15,322 - Where did you get all this? - Sorry, but if you're running for PM 613 00:44:15,487 --> 00:44:20,925 I shall feel obliged to share what I know with senior party members. 614 00:44:21,087 --> 00:44:27,037 If it came out into the open, there'd have to be an enquiry by the Inland Revenue, Fraud Squad. 615 00:44:29,087 --> 00:44:32,636 None of that need matter if it's all above-board. 616 00:44:32,807 --> 00:44:35,924 And I'm sure it is, if you say so, Duncan. 617 00:44:40,527 --> 00:44:44,406 - There was nothing improper. - Good, then I'm free to talk about it, 618 00:44:44,567 --> 00:44:47,639 - bring it all out into the open. - Hold on! 619 00:44:47,807 --> 00:44:51,641 Financial matters can be misinterpreted. People will misunderstand. 620 00:44:51,807 --> 00:44:53,399 How true. 621 00:44:53,567 --> 00:44:57,845 Look, Jim, I'm not sure that I really want Number 10. 622 00:44:59,447 --> 00:45:04,282 The Foreign Office is a better job in many ways. But I won't support Eric. 623 00:45:05,687 --> 00:45:08,155 Suppose Eric didn't get it? 624 00:45:08,967 --> 00:45:14,837 How would it be if you were to transfer all your support to someone else? 625 00:45:15,007 --> 00:45:16,326 Who? 626 00:45:16,487 --> 00:45:20,002 It would have to be somebody who recognised your qualities, 627 00:45:20,167 --> 00:45:22,886 who'd want you to stay at the Foreign Office. 628 00:45:23,047 --> 00:45:26,642 Someone who could be discreet about Continental and General. 629 00:45:27,487 --> 00:45:30,001 Someone you could trust. 630 00:45:30,807 --> 00:45:32,877 An old friend. 631 00:45:36,847 --> 00:45:39,236 Do you mean you? 632 00:45:39,407 --> 00:45:43,525 Me? I have absolutely no ambition in that direction. 633 00:45:43,687 --> 00:45:45,882 You DO mean you! 634 00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:51,438 - I see. - You do realise this is serious, Eric? 635 00:45:51,607 --> 00:45:54,997 - Yes. And you're not going to help me, right? - Yes. 636 00:45:55,167 --> 00:45:57,283 - You are or you're not? - Yes. 637 00:45:57,447 --> 00:46:01,963 - Jim! - I'm going to help you, but not to become PM. 638 00:46:02,127 --> 00:46:07,042 - You said you were. - Until I heard about the lady from Argentina. 639 00:46:07,567 --> 00:46:10,525 - And others. - I see. 640 00:46:11,007 --> 00:46:13,601 As Party Chairman I have my duty. 641 00:46:13,767 --> 00:46:18,557 It'd be a disaster for the party if you became PM and all this came out. 642 00:46:18,727 --> 00:46:22,800 I wouldn't care to have to explain it to Her Majesty. 643 00:46:22,967 --> 00:46:24,798 Would you? 644 00:46:25,807 --> 00:46:27,957 I'll withdraw. 645 00:46:28,127 --> 00:46:30,561 I think that's very sensible. 646 00:46:31,447 --> 00:46:34,439 So we'll say no more about it to anyone. 647 00:46:34,607 --> 00:46:36,359 Thanks, Jim. 648 00:46:36,527 --> 00:46:41,555 - So Duncan will get Number 10. My God! - Not if I can help it. 649 00:46:41,727 --> 00:46:44,525 - Who, then? - Cheers. 650 00:46:46,607 --> 00:46:49,644 - You don't mean YOU? - Me? 651 00:46:49,807 --> 00:46:55,643 Our children are reaching the age where Annie and I are hoping to spend more time together. 652 00:46:55,807 --> 00:46:57,684 You DO mean you! 653 00:47:00,447 --> 00:47:02,961 - Minister. - Humphrey, what's the hurry? 654 00:47:03,127 --> 00:47:06,119 I've arranged a brief meeting with the European Commissioner. 655 00:47:06,287 --> 00:47:08,118 Maurice? He flew out this morning. 656 00:47:08,287 --> 00:47:10,676 - His flight's been delayed. - So? 657 00:47:10,847 --> 00:47:14,522 We might persuade him to solve our sausage problem. 658 00:47:14,687 --> 00:47:16,678 - How? - (PHONE RINGS) 659 00:47:16,847 --> 00:47:19,281 Excuse me... Yes? 660 00:47:19,447 --> 00:47:22,837 Oh, yes, ask him to come in, will you? Thank you. 661 00:47:24,047 --> 00:47:25,560 Leave it to me. 662 00:47:27,087 --> 00:47:30,363 Just, er, just give me support when I ask for it. 663 00:47:32,367 --> 00:47:35,359 - Ah, Maurice, how nice to see you. - Humphrey. 664 00:47:35,527 --> 00:47:39,486 - You know each other. - Jim, to what do I owe this pleasure? 665 00:47:42,247 --> 00:47:45,444 The Minister asked me to arrange this meeting 666 00:47:45,607 --> 00:47:48,963 - to see if you could help us with a problem. - Problem. 667 00:47:49,127 --> 00:47:50,480 Of course. 668 00:47:50,647 --> 00:47:55,198 The problem is that the EEC is becoming very unpopular over here. 669 00:47:55,367 --> 00:47:57,437 - Isn't that so? - Very unpopular. 670 00:47:57,607 --> 00:47:59,643 - You want to restore its image? - Yes. 671 00:47:59,807 --> 00:48:01,445 - No. - No. 672 00:48:02,527 --> 00:48:05,997 The Minister feels there would be more votes... 673 00:48:06,167 --> 00:48:09,603 ...that he would be better expressing the views of the British people 674 00:48:09,767 --> 00:48:14,443 by joining the attack on the EEC rather than leaping to its defence. 675 00:48:14,607 --> 00:48:18,361 - Exactly. - But your party's committed to support us! 676 00:48:20,367 --> 00:48:23,723 The Minister's point, as I understand it, 677 00:48:23,887 --> 00:48:27,402 is that the commitment is to the concept and the treaty. 678 00:48:27,567 --> 00:48:30,525 - Treaty. - It's not committed to the institutions, 679 00:48:30,687 --> 00:48:33,599 nor to the practices, nor to individual policies. 680 00:48:33,767 --> 00:48:38,602 The Minister was giving me an example the other day, weren't you, Minister? 681 00:48:41,087 --> 00:48:44,397 - About food production. - Oh, yes. 682 00:48:44,567 --> 00:48:49,561 I've discovered one of your officials pays farmers to produce masses of surplus food 683 00:48:49,727 --> 00:48:53,037 while the next office pays people to destroy the surpluses. 684 00:48:53,207 --> 00:48:55,767 - That's not true! - No? 685 00:48:55,927 --> 00:48:58,805 It's not the next office, not even the same floor! 686 00:49:00,207 --> 00:49:04,439 - The Minister has hundreds of similar examples. - Hundreds. 687 00:49:04,607 --> 00:49:09,965 The nub of the problem is, the Minister is starting to think that a member of the Cabinet 688 00:49:10,127 --> 00:49:13,358 ought to start telling the British people about them. 689 00:49:13,527 --> 00:49:16,041 But that would be intolerable! 690 00:49:16,207 --> 00:49:19,005 Even the Italians wouldn't stoop that low! 691 00:49:19,167 --> 00:49:25,322 The Italians aren't being asked to redesignate salami as emulsified high-fat offal tubing. 692 00:49:27,247 --> 00:49:28,726 Ah! 693 00:49:30,327 --> 00:49:32,716 And what are you proposing? 694 00:49:32,887 --> 00:49:37,756 After all, we are committed to harmonisation. We cannot call it a sausage. 695 00:49:37,927 --> 00:49:40,236 What do you suggest? 696 00:49:41,087 --> 00:49:43,806 Well, politics is about presentation. 697 00:49:43,967 --> 00:49:47,198 Why don't we call it "the British sausage"? 698 00:49:47,847 --> 00:49:50,884 British sausage? Saucisse Anglaise. 699 00:49:51,047 --> 00:49:54,437 Salsiccia Inglese. Britisherwurst. 700 00:49:54,607 --> 00:49:59,237 Yes, I think we could... recommend that to the Commission. 701 00:49:59,407 --> 00:50:00,726 Splendid! 702 00:50:00,887 --> 00:50:05,119 The Minister's always said the EEC is a splendid institution, haven't you? 703 00:50:05,287 --> 00:50:06,766 Splendid! 704 00:50:12,527 --> 00:50:16,600 - The European correspondents are here now. - Good. Let 'em in. 705 00:50:16,767 --> 00:50:18,519 Send them in. 706 00:50:18,687 --> 00:50:22,760 - This is about the Euro sausage problem? - That's right, Bernard. 707 00:50:22,927 --> 00:50:25,760 - That you've solved it. - No, Bernard. 708 00:50:25,927 --> 00:50:29,840 Solved problems aren't news. To the press, bad news is good news. 709 00:50:30,007 --> 00:50:34,444 I'm not going to give them a non-story today. I'll give them a disaster today 710 00:50:34,607 --> 00:50:37,405 - and a triumph tomorrow. - I see. 711 00:50:38,127 --> 00:50:40,641 - Good morning, gentlemen! - (ALL) Morning. 712 00:50:40,807 --> 00:50:43,640 Do sit down. Good of you to come. 713 00:50:43,807 --> 00:50:49,564 This is on a lobby basis, non-attributable. We've got some trouble coming up with Brussels. 714 00:50:49,727 --> 00:50:54,676 Somebody's going to tell you some time, so I might as well tell you myself. 715 00:50:54,847 --> 00:51:00,285 The trouble is, Brussels is about to make the British sausage illegal 716 00:51:00,447 --> 00:51:03,200 - under EEC regulations. - Minister... 717 00:51:03,367 --> 00:51:08,885 ...not making the sausage illegal, just the name. - Thank you, Bernard. I'll deal with that later. 718 00:51:09,047 --> 00:51:12,278 - What do you mean, "illegal"? - Effectively illegal. 719 00:51:12,447 --> 00:51:17,840 The pork sausage will have to contain 75% lean pork. The same for the beef sausage. 720 00:51:20,887 --> 00:51:23,685 75% lean pork too? 721 00:51:24,287 --> 00:51:26,721 75% lean beef. 722 00:51:26,887 --> 00:51:30,721 - It would make it a luxury food. - When's this being promulgated? 723 00:51:30,887 --> 00:51:37,042 Next month, probably. They'll deny it, probably tell you they're just discussing changing its name. 724 00:51:37,207 --> 00:51:40,882 - What is the government going to do? - I just don't know. 725 00:51:41,047 --> 00:51:43,845 It's a big problem. I won't pretend we've got an answer. 726 00:51:45,247 --> 00:51:48,000 Well, I must rush. Any more questions? 727 00:51:48,167 --> 00:51:51,398 - When can we use this? - Tomorrow, as far as I'm concerned. 728 00:51:51,567 --> 00:51:55,845 Bernard will give you a drink in the press office. Thanks for coming. 729 00:51:56,887 --> 00:52:00,880 You realise the press will be printing something that isn't true? 730 00:52:01,047 --> 00:52:02,446 Really? 731 00:52:03,247 --> 00:52:05,124 How frightful! 732 00:52:07,807 --> 00:52:12,403 (RADl0) Today's story about the proposed European ban on the British sausage 733 00:52:12,567 --> 00:52:15,127 has caused a maj'or political storm. 734 00:52:15,287 --> 00:52:18,996 Westminster sources say the sausage could be another banana skin. 735 00:52:19,167 --> 00:52:22,398 It adds to the government's problems with the succession. 736 00:52:22,567 --> 00:52:27,277 Members are troubled by the fact that the two obvious candidates for the leadership 737 00:52:27,447 --> 00:52:30,245 represent the extreme wings of the party. 738 00:52:30,407 --> 00:52:34,685 Pressure is mounting for them to withdraw in favour of a compromise candidate. 739 00:52:34,847 --> 00:52:39,363 No other contender seems to have caught the public imagination. 740 00:52:39,527 --> 00:52:42,166 - Now sport... - Turn it off, Donald. 741 00:52:44,087 --> 00:52:48,717 - Is it true about the compromise candidate? - I believe so. 742 00:52:48,887 --> 00:52:53,244 - Where DO they get their information? - I can't imagine, Bernard! 743 00:52:53,407 --> 00:52:56,604 Anyway, I never said compromise. I said moderate. 744 00:52:57,847 --> 00:53:02,682 Incidentally, why are BBC TV and ITN covering your speech this evening? 745 00:53:02,847 --> 00:53:04,838 I can't imagine, Bernard. 746 00:53:05,007 --> 00:53:10,639 I know that fire and safety policy in government buildings is awfully important, but... 747 00:53:10,807 --> 00:53:15,164 Maybe someone suggested I was going to raise other issues as well. 748 00:53:15,687 --> 00:53:19,282 - Who? - I can't imagine, Bernard. 749 00:53:21,967 --> 00:53:26,279 I am a good European. I believe in the European ideal. 750 00:53:26,447 --> 00:53:31,282 Never again shall we repeat the bloodshed of the two world wars. 751 00:53:31,447 --> 00:53:34,007 Europe is here to stay. 752 00:53:34,167 --> 00:53:39,241 But this does not mean that we have to bow the knee to every directive 753 00:53:39,407 --> 00:53:42,717 from every little bureaucratic Bonaparte in Brussels. 754 00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:47,324 We are a sovereign nation still. We are British and proud of it! 755 00:53:51,127 --> 00:53:55,484 We have made enough concessions to the European Commissar for Agriculture. 756 00:53:55,647 --> 00:53:59,196 When I say Commissar, I use the word advisedly. 757 00:53:59,367 --> 00:54:02,643 We've swallowed the wine lake and the butter mountain, 758 00:54:02,807 --> 00:54:06,561 we've watched our French friends beating up British lorry drivers 759 00:54:06,727 --> 00:54:09,036 carrying British lamb to the French. 760 00:54:09,207 --> 00:54:12,438 We have bowed and scraped, doffed our caps, 761 00:54:12,607 --> 00:54:17,635 tugged our forelocks and turned the other cheek, but I say enough is enough! 762 00:54:20,567 --> 00:54:25,402 The Europeans have gone too far. They are now threatening the British sausage. 763 00:54:25,567 --> 00:54:31,358 They want to standardise it, by which they mean they'll force us to eat salami and bratwurst 764 00:54:31,527 --> 00:54:36,999 and other garlic-ridden greasy foods that are totally alien to the British way of life. 765 00:54:37,167 --> 00:54:41,285 Do you want salami for breakfast with your egg and bacon? I don't! I won't! 766 00:54:44,407 --> 00:54:49,003 They've turned our pints into litres and our yards into metres. 767 00:54:49,167 --> 00:54:53,399 We gave up the tanner, the threepenny bit, the two-bob piece and the half crown, 768 00:54:53,567 --> 00:54:57,276 but they cannot and WILL not destroy the British sausage. 769 00:55:00,007 --> 00:55:01,804 Not while I'm here! 770 00:55:04,367 --> 00:55:09,600 In the words of Martin Luther, here I stand. I can do no more. 771 00:55:15,287 --> 00:55:18,802 - Strong stuff, Minister. - I feel strongly about it. 772 00:55:18,967 --> 00:55:23,802 I sometimes wonder whether you media people realise how strongly we others feel 773 00:55:23,967 --> 00:55:27,642 about Britain, about our country. We love it and we're proud of it. 774 00:55:27,807 --> 00:55:30,879 You're at odds with government policy over the EEC? 775 00:55:31,047 --> 00:55:34,357 I'm very happy with government policy, Sir Ludovic. 776 00:55:34,527 --> 00:55:40,284 Just a guess. But it's never been government policy to abolish the British sausage. 777 00:55:40,447 --> 00:55:44,565 Sausages are not only good to eat, they're full of top-quality nourishment. 778 00:55:44,727 --> 00:55:48,402 Brussels denies wanting to abolish the British sausage. 779 00:55:48,567 --> 00:55:53,277 They would. They know what they're up against. They know the strength of British opinion. 780 00:55:53,447 --> 00:55:56,644 Your speech got a lot of coverage and a lot of praise. 781 00:55:56,807 --> 00:56:00,402 - Was there any significance in the timing? - Sorry? 782 00:56:00,567 --> 00:56:05,516 Your party is looking for a new leader and your name's been mentioned a few times. 783 00:56:05,687 --> 00:56:08,440 Oh. Quite a lot, I believe. 784 00:56:09,367 --> 00:56:12,439 But no, I've no ambitions at all in that direction. 785 00:56:12,607 --> 00:56:15,485 So you definitely won't let your name go forward? 786 00:56:16,767 --> 00:56:18,962 Well, Ludo... All I've... 787 00:56:21,087 --> 00:56:25,763 All I've ever wanted to do is serve my country. I've never sought office. 788 00:56:25,927 --> 00:56:30,955 But if my colleagues persuaded me the best place to serve it from was 10 Downing Street, 789 00:56:31,127 --> 00:56:35,837 I might perhaps reluctantly be persuaded to undertake the responsibility 790 00:56:36,007 --> 00:56:38,885 whatever my own private wishes might be. 791 00:56:39,047 --> 00:56:42,403 If you're not in the running, who will you vote for? 792 00:56:42,567 --> 00:56:46,276 Well, it's far too early to say. But I will say this. 793 00:56:46,447 --> 00:56:48,802 This is a time for healing. 794 00:56:48,967 --> 00:56:55,122 A time to stress what we agree about, not what we disagree about. 795 00:56:55,287 --> 00:57:00,680 We should be looking for the good in our opponents, not always looking for faults. 796 00:57:00,847 --> 00:57:03,964 There's good in everyone, you know, Ludo. 797 00:57:05,287 --> 00:57:07,926 - Except the French! - Except... 798 00:57:12,047 --> 00:57:14,038 Even the French. 799 00:57:21,287 --> 00:57:25,565 Minister, a message came from Central House while you were in committee. 800 00:57:25,727 --> 00:57:27,046 Yes? 801 00:57:27,207 --> 00:57:30,995 - They brought the party meeting forward. - Brought it forward? 802 00:57:31,167 --> 00:57:36,924 The committee will decide if they're going to bring up another candidate to oppose you. 803 00:57:37,087 --> 00:57:43,276 - The Chief Whip will phone as soon as it's over. - W-W-Will he... W-What will they... What if... 804 00:57:43,447 --> 00:57:45,836 Which phone? 805 00:57:46,007 --> 00:57:48,043 - What? - Which phone will he ring on? 806 00:57:48,207 --> 00:57:50,767 Oh. Er, this one, probably. 807 00:57:51,767 --> 00:57:53,405 Or this one. 808 00:57:54,847 --> 00:57:56,326 Either, really. 809 00:57:56,487 --> 00:58:00,446 If Duncan and Eric withdraw, which they will, they might not support me. 810 00:58:00,607 --> 00:58:05,078 - That means an election. - You're the favourite candidate for both sides, 811 00:58:05,247 --> 00:58:08,205 - so you'll be unopposed. - That's what they say. 812 00:58:09,407 --> 00:58:12,160 Oh, well... No point in worrying about it. 813 00:58:13,607 --> 00:58:17,282 - Might as well sit down and relax. - (PHONE RINGS) 814 00:58:18,927 --> 00:58:20,440 Yes? 815 00:58:22,007 --> 00:58:23,440 Yes. 816 00:58:25,647 --> 00:58:26,966 Yes. 817 00:58:29,087 --> 00:58:30,406 Yes. 818 00:58:30,567 --> 00:58:33,081 Bernard has an urgent message. 819 00:58:33,807 --> 00:58:36,605 Minister, the Palace have been on the phone. 820 00:58:36,767 --> 00:58:40,999 - The Palace? Why? - Will you be free to kiss hands at five o'clock? 821 00:58:41,167 --> 00:58:43,886 In the event of an unopposed recommendation. 822 00:58:44,047 --> 00:58:45,366 Well, I... 823 00:58:47,687 --> 00:58:50,565 I think I might be able to make that. 824 00:59:00,567 --> 00:59:02,364 Bernard... 825 00:59:02,527 --> 00:59:05,041 Supposing... You know if I... 826 00:59:06,767 --> 00:59:08,086 Er... 827 00:59:08,247 --> 00:59:11,000 I'd still want a Principal Private Secretary. 828 00:59:12,487 --> 00:59:15,365 - Do you think, er... - Oh, Minister. 829 00:59:16,367 --> 00:59:17,800 Gosh! 830 00:59:19,887 --> 00:59:22,924 - That'll be all right, won't it, Humphrey? - Well... 831 00:59:23,087 --> 00:59:25,442 The Prime Minister's word is law. 832 00:59:29,087 --> 00:59:31,601 (PHONE RINGS) 833 00:59:32,887 --> 00:59:34,206 Yes? 834 00:59:36,007 --> 00:59:37,326 Yes. 835 00:59:38,447 --> 00:59:39,766 Yes. 836 00:59:41,247 --> 00:59:43,044 Yes, he's here. 837 00:59:45,287 --> 00:59:47,164 I'll tell him. 838 00:59:47,927 --> 00:59:50,487 It... It... It... Is... 839 00:59:51,487 --> 00:59:53,603 Is it me? 840 00:59:53,767 --> 00:59:56,076 Yes, Prime Minister! 841 01:01:45,726 --> 01:01:48,115 What time is he coming? 842 01:01:48,286 --> 01:01:51,198 Any time. Should be here now. 843 01:01:51,726 --> 01:01:56,038 - Perhaps something's happened to him. - You think he's missed his bus? 844 01:01:56,206 --> 01:01:57,878 No, no, no. 845 01:01:58,046 --> 01:02:02,756 I mean something may have... happened. 846 01:02:06,166 --> 01:02:07,963 Who is he, exactly? 847 01:02:08,126 --> 01:02:13,120 All I know is he's an army officer with something to tell me he wouldn't divulge on the phone. 848 01:02:13,286 --> 01:02:15,516 - It's probably nothing. - Perhaps. 849 01:02:15,686 --> 01:02:18,120 Remember Churchill, the wilderness years? 850 01:02:18,926 --> 01:02:23,636 He found out about our military inadequacy from army officers. 851 01:02:23,806 --> 01:02:28,197 So while he was in the wilderness he could leak stories to the press 852 01:02:28,366 --> 01:02:31,563 and embarrass the government. I could do that! 853 01:02:32,846 --> 01:02:35,406 But you're IN the government. 854 01:02:36,726 --> 01:02:38,364 Oh, yes! 855 01:02:39,206 --> 01:02:40,844 (DOORBELL) 856 01:02:41,006 --> 01:02:42,758 I'll get it. 857 01:02:49,086 --> 01:02:51,361 - Major Saunders? - Yes, sir. 858 01:02:51,526 --> 01:02:53,164 Come in. 859 01:02:58,446 --> 01:03:00,118 Follow me. 860 01:03:03,806 --> 01:03:07,560 - It's all right. My wife, Annie. - Good evening. 861 01:03:07,726 --> 01:03:09,523 - Drink? - Thanks. 862 01:03:09,686 --> 01:03:11,005 - Scotch? - Thanks. 863 01:03:11,166 --> 01:03:12,997 - Sit down. - Thanks. 864 01:03:14,046 --> 01:03:17,675 - No need to keep thanking me. - Thanks. I mean, sorry. 865 01:03:17,846 --> 01:03:21,521 - No need to apologise, either. - Sorry. I mean, thanks. 866 01:03:21,686 --> 01:03:26,157 - Shall I go and let you talk in private? - Please stay, if that's OK with you. 867 01:03:26,326 --> 01:03:31,480 - Yes. No secrets from Annie. I tell her everything. - Several times, usually! 868 01:03:33,126 --> 01:03:37,404 - So, is this highly confidential? - It is, rather, yes. 869 01:03:37,566 --> 01:03:40,956 - Shall I turn on the radio? - Is there something good on? 870 01:03:43,006 --> 01:03:47,079 - In case we're being bugged. - Oh. Is that likely? 871 01:03:47,246 --> 01:03:50,636 - Who's in charge of bugging politicians? - Ah... 872 01:03:50,806 --> 01:03:53,320 Yes, come to think of it, I am! 873 01:03:53,486 --> 01:03:55,363 That's all right, then. 874 01:03:56,966 --> 01:04:01,835 Could I say that what I'm about to tell you I'm telling you on a personal basis? 875 01:04:02,006 --> 01:04:04,804 Fine... What do you mean, exactly? 876 01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:08,800 I'm telling you personally and not as Minister for Administrative Affairs. 877 01:04:08,966 --> 01:04:13,596 - But I am Minister of Administrative Affairs. - But I'm not telling you in that role. 878 01:04:13,766 --> 01:04:19,079 - I'm telling you as a journalist. - Journalist? I thought you were an army officer? 879 01:04:19,246 --> 01:04:23,239 - No, YOU'RE a journalist. - I'm a minister. 880 01:04:23,846 --> 01:04:27,361 But what were you before you became a minister? 881 01:04:27,526 --> 01:04:30,404 Your starter for ten, no conferring! 882 01:04:30,566 --> 01:04:32,079 I get your drift. 883 01:04:32,246 --> 01:04:36,876 You're telling me what you're telling me, though I don't know yet what you're telling me, 884 01:04:37,046 --> 01:04:39,401 as the former editor of "Reform". 885 01:04:39,566 --> 01:04:41,841 Yes. You were a very fine editor. 886 01:04:42,006 --> 01:04:44,725 - I wouldn't say that. - You've often said that! 887 01:04:45,566 --> 01:04:51,516 But how do I prevent myself, as a minister, from knowing what you'll tell me as a former editor? 888 01:04:51,686 --> 01:04:54,246 I can't prevent the minister from knowing. 889 01:04:54,406 --> 01:04:57,159 - He means it's a question of hats. - Yes. 890 01:04:57,326 --> 01:05:01,604 I'm not wearing my ministerial hat tonight, but I ought to warn you, 891 01:05:01,766 --> 01:05:07,204 if I need to be told what you tell me, I shan't hesitate in my duty to keep myself informed! 892 01:05:10,686 --> 01:05:15,282 Fine. Now, who's in charge of selling British weapons to foreigners? 893 01:05:15,446 --> 01:05:18,040 - Bzzz. Hacker, LSE. - Shut up, Annie. 894 01:05:21,126 --> 01:05:26,883 You wrote an article in "Reform" about the sale of British weapons to undesirable foreigners. 895 01:05:27,046 --> 01:05:29,685 Yes, it was called "The Dreadful Trade". 896 01:05:29,846 --> 01:05:34,237 Perfectly patriotic to manufacture arms for our own defence or our allies'. 897 01:05:34,406 --> 01:05:37,239 Although not all our allies are very commendable. 898 01:05:37,406 --> 01:05:44,118 But we must not sell weapons to bolster the regimes of foreign despots, Nazi dictators... 899 01:05:44,286 --> 01:05:47,164 - Or terrorists. - Terroris... Terrorists? 900 01:05:48,406 --> 01:05:52,718 Terrorists. As I told you, I've recently returned from Rome. 901 01:05:52,886 --> 01:05:56,595 - NATO, wasn't it? - A military delegation to NATO. 902 01:05:56,766 --> 01:06:02,284 While I was there, they showed me something they'd captured in a raid on a terrorist HQ. 903 01:06:02,446 --> 01:06:07,725 It was a computerised bomb detonator. Very new, very secret, and very lethal. 904 01:06:07,886 --> 01:06:12,437 - Who showed it to you? - I can't possibly say. It's a confidence. 905 01:06:12,606 --> 01:06:15,439 I see. Computerised bomb detonator? 906 01:06:15,606 --> 01:06:20,885 You set it to calculate the weight of the victim, speed of his car, so you're sure to get him, 907 01:06:21,046 --> 01:06:25,756 and you can reprogram it remotely, by radio, after setting it. 908 01:06:25,926 --> 01:06:30,124 Gosh. I don't associate Italians with that sort of technology! 909 01:06:32,766 --> 01:06:37,999 - It wasn't made in Italy. It was made here. - Made in Britain? 910 01:06:38,166 --> 01:06:42,637 Under a Ministry of Defence contract and paid for by the British taxpayer. 911 01:06:42,806 --> 01:06:45,559 - And used by Italian terrorists? - Yes. 912 01:06:45,726 --> 01:06:48,604 - Where did they get them? - That's what I want to know. 913 01:06:48,766 --> 01:06:51,200 You haven't told anybody else? 914 01:06:51,366 --> 01:06:54,961 If I make an official report, I have to disclose my sources. 915 01:06:55,126 --> 01:06:58,118 But if I tell someone near the top of government... 916 01:06:58,286 --> 01:07:00,880 Er, AT the top, actually. 917 01:07:03,166 --> 01:07:07,364 Yes... that secret British equipment was being supplied to Italian terrorists, 918 01:07:07,526 --> 01:07:10,245 - then he would, er... - Absolutely. 919 01:07:10,406 --> 01:07:12,442 What would he? 920 01:07:13,246 --> 01:07:18,479 Find out how it's being done. The investigation would have to start in Britain at the top level. 921 01:07:18,646 --> 01:07:20,204 Fine. 922 01:07:20,366 --> 01:07:24,439 But you told me you were telling me on a personal level. 923 01:07:24,606 --> 01:07:30,238 Yes, but now you know personally, if not officially, you can use your personal knowledge 924 01:07:30,406 --> 01:07:35,196 to start official investigations to get official confirmation of personal suspicions 925 01:07:35,366 --> 01:07:38,676 so what you now know personally, but not officially, 926 01:07:38,846 --> 01:07:42,122 you will then know officially as well as personally. 927 01:07:42,286 --> 01:07:45,596 You're not related to Sir Humphrey Appleby by any chance? 928 01:07:46,806 --> 01:07:49,036 - Who? - Never mind! 929 01:07:49,206 --> 01:07:52,357 - I felt I had to tell someone. - Absolutely. 930 01:07:52,526 --> 01:07:56,075 Well, now I know, personally. 931 01:07:56,246 --> 01:07:59,556 Marvellous. Going to do something about it, aren't you? 932 01:08:00,646 --> 01:08:03,479 - Absolutely, indeed I am. - Right away? 933 01:08:03,646 --> 01:08:05,477 Right away. 934 01:08:07,006 --> 01:08:09,315 What are you going to do? 935 01:08:10,846 --> 01:08:14,839 I'm going to think about what you've told me. Right away. 936 01:08:16,806 --> 01:08:22,881 - And then? - Then I will consider various courses of action. 937 01:08:23,046 --> 01:08:26,482 - Without delay. - You'll take action without delay. 938 01:08:26,646 --> 01:08:31,640 - I will consider taking action without delay. - Are you related to Sir Humphrey Appleby? 939 01:08:31,806 --> 01:08:35,401 - Like another drink? - No, I must be off. 940 01:08:35,566 --> 01:08:40,321 - Can I rely on you to tackle this shocking matter? - Indeed you can. 941 01:08:41,046 --> 01:08:43,162 - Goodbye. - Goodnight. 942 01:08:44,726 --> 01:08:47,843 - Goodnight, Major. - Goodnight, sir. 943 01:08:55,126 --> 01:08:57,356 - What do you think? - You'll do something? 944 01:08:57,526 --> 01:08:59,801 I certainly will, if it's right. 945 01:08:59,966 --> 01:09:02,605 But I can't believe it's true. 946 01:09:02,766 --> 01:09:04,916 Could it happen? 947 01:09:05,566 --> 01:09:07,761 Couldn't. Could it? 948 01:09:08,766 --> 01:09:13,840 It's not just that it shouldn't. It couldn't. And if it could, it wouldn't. Would it? 949 01:09:14,006 --> 01:09:17,123 You ARE related to Sir Humphrey Appleby! 950 01:09:19,566 --> 01:09:24,924 Humphrey, I must talk to you about something which concerns me deeply. 951 01:09:25,086 --> 01:09:27,395 Really profoundly important. 952 01:09:27,566 --> 01:09:32,481 The amendment to the order on stock control in government establishments? 953 01:09:32,646 --> 01:09:37,162 The procedure for renewal of local authority leaseholds in development areas? 954 01:09:37,326 --> 01:09:42,241 No, what concerns me is a great issue really of life and death. 955 01:09:42,406 --> 01:09:44,966 Shouldn't that wait till after work? 956 01:09:46,566 --> 01:09:50,115 - It is work. - Really? Please go on. 957 01:09:50,286 --> 01:09:54,723 How do British armaments manufacturers sell their arms to foreigners? 958 01:09:54,886 --> 01:09:58,481 You get an export licence from the Department of Trade. 959 01:09:58,646 --> 01:10:01,114 Private firms can sell their arms abroad? 960 01:10:01,286 --> 01:10:04,437 - Companies and government agencies. - To whom? 961 01:10:04,606 --> 01:10:07,120 - Foreign governments, usually. - Is that all? 962 01:10:07,286 --> 01:10:10,562 Well, sometimes you can sell to an arms dealer, third party. 963 01:10:10,726 --> 01:10:14,958 A man in Manchester buys on behalf of a party in the Channel Islands 964 01:10:15,126 --> 01:10:16,923 with contacts in Luxembourg... 965 01:10:17,086 --> 01:10:20,283 There's no real control over who the arms go to in the end? 966 01:10:20,446 --> 01:10:24,837 Indeed there is. The dealer has to provide an end user certificate 967 01:10:25,006 --> 01:10:28,157 which is a signature acceptable to the government 968 01:10:28,326 --> 01:10:31,238 that the ultimate customer is an approved user. 969 01:10:31,406 --> 01:10:33,044 Is that a real guarantee? 970 01:10:33,206 --> 01:10:38,439 Would you be surprised if a British aircraft carrier turned up in the Central African Republic? 971 01:10:40,446 --> 01:10:44,439 I, for one, Minister, would be very surprised. It's 1,000 miles inland! 972 01:10:47,606 --> 01:10:51,315 You know what I mean. What about smaller weapons? 973 01:10:51,486 --> 01:10:56,560 It's officially impossible. Stringent security, rigorous inspections, meticulous scrutiny. 974 01:10:56,726 --> 01:10:58,876 You mean it's all a facade? 975 01:11:02,686 --> 01:11:04,005 Ah. 976 01:11:04,166 --> 01:11:10,036 - I think this conversation should end here. - No, it's as I thought. 977 01:11:10,206 --> 01:11:16,839 A confidential source has disclosed to me that British arms are being sold to Italian terrorists. 978 01:11:17,006 --> 01:11:20,760 I see. May I ask who this confidential source was? 979 01:11:20,926 --> 01:11:23,486 Humphrey, I said it was confidential. 980 01:11:23,646 --> 01:11:27,639 Sorry. I naturally assumed that meant you were going to tell me. 981 01:11:28,366 --> 01:11:32,723 - You don't seem worried. - It happens all the time. It's not our problem. 982 01:11:32,886 --> 01:11:36,276 So does robbery with violence. Does that worry you? 983 01:11:36,446 --> 01:11:38,482 No, Minister. Home Office problem. 984 01:11:39,326 --> 01:11:43,399 Humphrey, we're letting terrorists have murderous weapons! 985 01:11:43,566 --> 01:11:45,955 - WE'RE not. - Well, who is? 986 01:11:46,126 --> 01:11:49,880 Who knows? Department of Trade? Ministry of Defence? Foreign Office? 987 01:11:50,046 --> 01:11:52,685 We, Humphrey, the British government. 988 01:11:52,846 --> 01:11:57,124 Innocent lives set at risk by British arms in the hands of terrorists. 989 01:11:57,646 --> 01:12:00,638 Only Italian lives, not British lives, Minister. 990 01:12:01,526 --> 01:12:05,405 - Could be British tourists abroad. - Tourists? Foreign Office problem. 991 01:12:05,566 --> 01:12:09,923 - Humphrey, we have to do something. - With respect, we have to do nothing. 992 01:12:10,086 --> 01:12:12,839 - What do you mean? - The sale of arms abroad 993 01:12:13,006 --> 01:12:16,282 is one area of government we do not examine too closely. 994 01:12:16,446 --> 01:12:18,880 - I have to, now I know. - Say you don't know. 995 01:12:19,046 --> 01:12:21,958 - Are you suggesting I lie? - Not you, Minister, no. 996 01:12:22,126 --> 01:12:25,277 - Well, who should lie? - Sleeping dogs, Minister. 997 01:12:27,086 --> 01:12:29,680 - I'm going to raise this. - No, I beg you. 998 01:12:29,846 --> 01:12:33,725 A rule of government is never look into anything you don't have to, 999 01:12:33,886 --> 01:12:37,356 never start an enquiry unless you know what its findings will be. 1000 01:12:37,526 --> 01:12:40,677 I can't believe this! We're talking about good and evil. 1001 01:12:40,846 --> 01:12:43,724 - Church of England problem. - No, Humphrey! 1002 01:12:43,886 --> 01:12:50,519 - Our problem. We are discussing right and wrong. - I'm not. It's misuse of government time. 1003 01:12:53,166 --> 01:12:57,921 - Selling arms to terrorists is wrong. - Either you sell arms or you don't. 1004 01:12:58,086 --> 01:13:02,079 If you sell them, they end up with people who can afford them. 1005 01:13:02,246 --> 01:13:04,680 But not terrorists? 1006 01:13:04,846 --> 01:13:09,476 I suppose we could put a government health warning on the rifle butts! 1007 01:13:10,166 --> 01:13:13,158 "This gun can seriously damage your health." 1008 01:13:13,326 --> 01:13:18,525 You may take this lightly, but we cannot close our eyes to something as morally wrong as this. 1009 01:13:18,686 --> 01:13:21,280 If you insist on discussing moral issues, 1010 01:13:21,446 --> 01:13:26,122 something is either morally wrong or it isn't. It can't be slightly morally wrong. 1011 01:13:26,286 --> 01:13:30,040 - Don't quibble. - Government isn't about morality. 1012 01:13:30,206 --> 01:13:34,802 - Really? What is it about? - Stability. Keeping things going. 1013 01:13:34,966 --> 01:13:39,244 Preventing anarchy. Stopping society falling to bits. Still being here tomorrow. 1014 01:13:39,406 --> 01:13:41,715 - What for? - I beg your pardon? 1015 01:13:41,886 --> 01:13:45,322 What is the purpose of government if not for doing good? 1016 01:13:45,486 --> 01:13:49,638 Government isn't about good and evil. It's about order or chaos. 1017 01:13:49,806 --> 01:13:54,322 It's in order for Italian terrorists to get British bombs? 1018 01:13:54,486 --> 01:13:57,125 - You don't care? - It's not my job to care. 1019 01:13:57,286 --> 01:14:01,199 That's what politicians are for. My job is to carry out policy. 1020 01:14:01,366 --> 01:14:06,440 - Even if you think it's wrong? - Almost all government policy is wrong, but... 1021 01:14:06,606 --> 01:14:09,120 ...frightfully well carried out! 1022 01:14:11,326 --> 01:14:15,160 Have you ever known a civil servant resign on a matter of principle? 1023 01:14:15,886 --> 01:14:18,923 I should think not! What an appalling suggestion! 1024 01:14:20,726 --> 01:14:26,198 For the first time, I fully understand that you are purely committed to means and not ends! 1025 01:14:26,366 --> 01:14:31,486 As far as I'm concerned, and all my colleagues, there is no difference between means and ends. 1026 01:14:31,646 --> 01:14:35,275 If you believe that, Humphrey, you will go to hell. 1027 01:14:38,526 --> 01:14:41,518 Minister, I had no idea you had a theological bent. 1028 01:14:42,846 --> 01:14:47,442 - You are a moral vacuum. - If you say so, Minister. 1029 01:14:47,606 --> 01:14:51,963 - Time for your lunch appointment. - You're keeping very quiet, Bernard. 1030 01:14:52,126 --> 01:14:55,482 - What would you do about all this? - I would keep very quiet. 1031 01:14:56,846 --> 01:15:01,317 - So may we drop the matter of arms sales? - No, we may not! 1032 01:15:01,486 --> 01:15:06,321 I'm going to tell the Prime Minister personally. Make an appointment, Bernard. 1033 01:15:06,486 --> 01:15:09,284 This is the sort of thing he wants to know about. 1034 01:15:09,446 --> 01:15:13,758 I assure you, this is the sort of thing he wants NOT to know about. 1035 01:15:13,926 --> 01:15:16,520 We shall see about that. 1036 01:15:18,886 --> 01:15:20,524 Indeed we will. 1037 01:15:22,606 --> 01:15:24,403 What's the matter, Bernard? 1038 01:15:24,566 --> 01:15:27,478 - Nothing really, Sir Humphrey. - You look unhappy. 1039 01:15:27,646 --> 01:15:32,515 - I was wondering if the minister was right. - Very unlikely. What about? 1040 01:15:32,686 --> 01:15:37,282 About ends and means. Will I end up as a moral vacuum, too? 1041 01:15:39,886 --> 01:15:42,116 Oh, I hope so, Bernard. 1042 01:15:44,086 --> 01:15:46,441 If you work hard enough. 1043 01:15:46,606 --> 01:15:49,200 Makes me feel rather downcast. 1044 01:15:49,366 --> 01:15:53,644 If it's our job to carry out government policies, shouldn't we believe in them? 1045 01:15:53,806 --> 01:15:56,525 Oh, what an extraordinary idea! 1046 01:15:57,246 --> 01:15:59,396 - Why? - Bernard... 1047 01:15:59,566 --> 01:16:06,165 I have served 11 governments in the past 30 years. If I'd believed in all their policies, 1048 01:16:06,326 --> 01:16:10,638 I'd have been passionately committed to keeping out of the Common Market, 1049 01:16:10,806 --> 01:16:13,366 and passionately committed to joining it. 1050 01:16:13,526 --> 01:16:17,485 I'd have been utterly convinced of the rightness of nationalising steel 1051 01:16:17,646 --> 01:16:20,285 and of denationalising it and renationalising it. 1052 01:16:21,366 --> 01:16:26,394 Capital punishment? I'd have been a fervent retentionist and an ardent abolitionist. 1053 01:16:26,566 --> 01:16:31,515 I'd have been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite, a grammar school preserver and destroyer, 1054 01:16:31,686 --> 01:16:35,076 a nationalisation freak and a privatisation maniac, 1055 01:16:35,246 --> 01:16:40,001 but above all, I would have been a stark-staring raving schizophrenic! 1056 01:16:40,766 --> 01:16:42,722 So what do we believe in? 1057 01:16:42,886 --> 01:16:49,041 At this moment, Bernard, we believe in stopping the minister from informing the Prime Minister. 1058 01:16:49,206 --> 01:16:52,881 - But why? - Because once the Prime Minister knows, 1059 01:16:53,046 --> 01:16:56,038 there will have to be an enquiry, like Watergate. 1060 01:16:56,206 --> 01:17:00,722 The investigation of a trivial break-in led to one ghastly revelation after another 1061 01:17:00,886 --> 01:17:03,764 and finally the downfall of a president. 1062 01:17:03,926 --> 01:17:07,601 The golden rule is don't lift lids off cans of worms. 1063 01:17:07,766 --> 01:17:11,315 - No, Sir Humphrey. - Everything is connected to everything else. 1064 01:17:11,486 --> 01:17:14,046 - Who said that? - The Cabinet Secretary? 1065 01:17:14,926 --> 01:17:17,520 Nearly right. Actually, it was Lenin. 1066 01:17:19,886 --> 01:17:23,720 How do you stop a Cabinet Minister talking to a Prime Minister? 1067 01:17:23,886 --> 01:17:26,798 - Interesting question. You tell me. - I don't know. 1068 01:17:26,966 --> 01:17:29,844 Work it out. You're supposed to be a high-flier. 1069 01:17:30,006 --> 01:17:34,841 Or are you really a low-flier supported by occasional gusts of wind? 1070 01:17:36,606 --> 01:17:41,521 Well, YOU can't stop the minister seeing the PM, can you? 1071 01:17:41,686 --> 01:17:44,883 - I can't. - Nor can the private office at No. 10. 1072 01:17:45,046 --> 01:17:48,277 - Correct. - It has to be someone high up in government. 1073 01:17:48,446 --> 01:17:51,085 - Getting warmer. - Someone close to the PM. 1074 01:17:51,246 --> 01:17:54,079 Someone who can frighten the minister... 1075 01:17:54,246 --> 01:17:57,238 - The Chief Whip? - Excellent, you've learnt a lot. 1076 01:17:57,406 --> 01:18:00,955 - So, how do you crack the whip? - I'm sorry? 1077 01:18:02,166 --> 01:18:04,964 How do you mobilise the Chief Whip? 1078 01:18:05,126 --> 01:18:09,483 The minister's asked me to phone the PM's private office for an appointment, 1079 01:18:09,646 --> 01:18:12,638 so if you had a word with the Cabinet Secretary, 1080 01:18:12,806 --> 01:18:17,834 and he had a word with the diary secretary, and they all had a word with the Whip's office... 1081 01:18:19,846 --> 01:18:24,681 ...then when the minister arrived, the Whip could meet him and say the PM is busy 1082 01:18:24,846 --> 01:18:28,316 and asked him to have a word with the minister instead. 1083 01:18:29,046 --> 01:18:31,162 Excellent, Bernard. 1084 01:18:31,966 --> 01:18:34,958 You should have taken a degree in engineering! 1085 01:18:36,086 --> 01:18:39,681 - What are you doing? - You wanted the Cabinet Secretary. 1086 01:18:39,846 --> 01:18:43,839 I do, indeed. Now, do you, as the minister's private secretary, 1087 01:18:44,006 --> 01:18:47,999 feel obliged to tell the minister of this conversation? 1088 01:18:50,126 --> 01:18:52,003 What conversation? 1089 01:18:53,926 --> 01:18:56,918 Well done, Bernard. You'll be a moral vacuum yet! 1090 01:19:04,966 --> 01:19:06,445 Ah, Jim. 1091 01:19:06,606 --> 01:19:08,881 My dear chap, how nice to see you. 1092 01:19:09,046 --> 01:19:12,959 - Vic, I was hoping to see the Prime Minister. - Yes. 1093 01:19:13,126 --> 01:19:16,596 The PM's rather busy today. Asked me to see you instead. 1094 01:19:16,766 --> 01:19:19,326 Vic, it's not a matter for the Chief Whip. 1095 01:19:19,486 --> 01:19:23,798 The PM asked me to have a preliminary conversation and write a background note. 1096 01:19:23,966 --> 01:19:26,434 - Save time later. - Oh. 1097 01:19:29,886 --> 01:19:33,799 Well, I've been given some pretty dramatic information. 1098 01:19:33,966 --> 01:19:35,365 Go on. 1099 01:19:35,526 --> 01:19:40,475 The Italian Red Terrorists are being supplied with top secret bomb detonators 1100 01:19:40,646 --> 01:19:43,843 made in this country, in a government factory. 1101 01:19:44,006 --> 01:19:49,285 - And you feel you should tell the PM? - Yes, the PM's head of security. 1102 01:19:49,446 --> 01:19:53,280 I don't think it's anything to burden the PM with. Let's hold it over. 1103 01:19:53,446 --> 01:19:56,836 - Forget all about it? - That's my recommendation. 1104 01:19:57,566 --> 01:20:01,354 I'm sorry, Vic, I can't accept it. The PM must be told. 1105 01:20:02,646 --> 01:20:06,355 - If the PM is told, there'd have to be an enquiry. - Exactly. 1106 01:20:06,526 --> 01:20:09,916 Perhaps revealing other undesirable - even hostile - governments 1107 01:20:10,086 --> 01:20:13,635 - had been supplied with British-made arms. - Seriously? 1108 01:20:13,806 --> 01:20:17,765 Perhaps. It might be highly embarrassing to our Cabinet colleagues - 1109 01:20:17,926 --> 01:20:22,761 Foreign Secretary, Defence Secretary, Trade Secretary, and to the PM personally. 1110 01:20:23,846 --> 01:20:28,761 Doing the right thing might be embarrassing sometimes, but that's no reason for not doing it. 1111 01:20:29,806 --> 01:20:33,276 You know we already sell arms to Syria, Chile, Iran? 1112 01:20:33,446 --> 01:20:36,802 - It's officially approved. - You like what they do with them? 1113 01:20:36,966 --> 01:20:39,685 Well, obviously not entirely. 1114 01:20:40,086 --> 01:20:46,559 - Either you're in the arms business or you're not! - If being in it means arming terrorists, 1115 01:20:46,726 --> 01:20:49,718 - we should be out, it's immoral. - Oh, great! 1116 01:20:49,886 --> 01:20:51,478 Great! 1117 01:20:52,006 --> 01:20:55,476 Is it moral to put 100,000 British workers out of a job? 1118 01:20:55,646 --> 01:20:58,763 And exports, two billion a year gone, for starters. 1119 01:20:59,446 --> 01:21:03,883 And votes? Where do you think the government places those weapons contracts? 1120 01:21:04,046 --> 01:21:08,005 - In marginal constituencies, obviously. - Exactly. 1121 01:21:08,166 --> 01:21:12,398 All I'm saying is that now that I know, the Prime Minister must be told. 1122 01:21:12,566 --> 01:21:14,318 - Why? - Why? 1123 01:21:14,486 --> 01:21:20,038 Just because you've caught something nasty, why do you have to breathe over everyone? 1124 01:21:20,206 --> 01:21:22,720 Are you happy in the Cabinet? 1125 01:21:22,886 --> 01:21:25,958 - Yes, of course I am! - Do you want to stay in it? 1126 01:21:26,126 --> 01:21:28,276 (HE GULPS) 1127 01:21:28,446 --> 01:21:30,084 Well, then? 1128 01:21:30,246 --> 01:21:32,919 Sorry, Vic, but there is such a thing as duty. 1129 01:21:33,086 --> 01:21:37,602 - Sometimes one must follow one's conscience. - For God's sake! 1130 01:21:38,846 --> 01:21:44,557 Must you flash about your petty little conscience? Don't you think anybody else has got one? 1131 01:21:45,846 --> 01:21:50,044 - Have you no conscience for the government? - Of course! 1132 01:21:50,206 --> 01:21:54,597 The PM is on the verge of signing an international anti-terrorist agreement. 1133 01:21:54,766 --> 01:21:57,519 - I didn't know. - There's a lot you don't know. 1134 01:21:57,686 --> 01:22:01,645 Can't you see it's essential to deal with major policy 1135 01:22:01,806 --> 01:22:04,525 rather than a few arms exporters and terrorists? 1136 01:22:04,686 --> 01:22:07,962 Yes, I suppose it is just a couple of terrorist groups. 1137 01:22:08,126 --> 01:22:11,402 - Can't kill that many people, can they? - Suppose not! 1138 01:22:11,566 --> 01:22:15,957 And you want to blow it all in a fit of moral self-indulgence! 1139 01:22:17,926 --> 01:22:22,875 After all, with the PM thinking about you as the next Foreign Secretary... 1140 01:22:25,966 --> 01:22:27,763 Do you mean that? 1141 01:22:27,926 --> 01:22:29,359 Good Lord! 1142 01:22:30,646 --> 01:22:35,401 So if you want to martyr yourself, go ahead and press for an enquiry. 1143 01:22:35,566 --> 01:22:39,445 Feel free to jeopardise everything we've worked for all these years. 1144 01:22:39,606 --> 01:22:44,726 No, no. Obviously it's appalling if Italian terrorists are getting hold of British weapons, 1145 01:22:44,886 --> 01:22:49,277 but there is such a thing as loyalty, the common purpose. 1146 01:22:49,446 --> 01:22:53,837 I suppose one must see these things in a proper perspective. 1147 01:22:54,006 --> 01:22:59,797 - If it was the Ministry of Defence, Board of Trade. - Ministry of Defence, Board of Trade problem. 1148 01:22:59,966 --> 01:23:02,639 Foreign Office problem. I can see that now. 1149 01:23:02,806 --> 01:23:05,525 So we can hold it over for the time being? 1150 01:23:05,686 --> 01:23:11,875 - Don't want to upset and embarrass the PM! - Absolutely not. Definitely not. No. 1151 01:23:13,766 --> 01:23:15,882 Sorry I mentioned it. 1152 01:23:17,366 --> 01:23:19,038 Good man! 1153 01:23:20,166 --> 01:23:23,875 So I thought on balance it was best to leave it at that. 1154 01:23:24,046 --> 01:23:26,002 Let sleeping dogs lie... 1155 01:23:26,166 --> 01:23:28,157 In the wider interest. 1156 01:23:28,326 --> 01:23:30,920 As a loyal member of the government. 1157 01:23:31,726 --> 01:23:37,119 - Nothing to be gained. Opening a can of worms. - The major said they were terrorists. 1158 01:23:37,766 --> 01:23:39,279 Yes, well... 1159 01:23:39,446 --> 01:23:43,485 - We bombed Dresden. We're all terrorists. - No. 1160 01:23:44,006 --> 01:23:48,761 I mean metaphorically. You should meet the Chief Whip. He certainly is! 1161 01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:54,444 - Someone in Britain's giving bombs to murderers. - Selling, not giving. 1162 01:23:54,606 --> 01:23:57,120 - That makes it OK? - Be serious, Annie. 1163 01:23:57,286 --> 01:23:59,880 An investigation might uncover all sorts. 1164 01:24:00,046 --> 01:24:04,995 I see. Investigate if you can catch one criminal, but not if you might catch lots! 1165 01:24:05,166 --> 01:24:08,283 If they're your Cabinet colleagues, you're right! 1166 01:24:08,446 --> 01:24:13,884 Government is a very complex business, Annie. There are so many conflicting considerations. 1167 01:24:14,046 --> 01:24:18,278 - Whether to do the right thing or wrong thing. - Exactly. No... 1168 01:24:18,446 --> 01:24:20,835 What do you suggest I do? 1169 01:24:21,006 --> 01:24:23,645 - Take a moral stand. - How? 1170 01:24:23,806 --> 01:24:27,082 - Threaten resignation. - They'd accept it! 1171 01:24:27,246 --> 01:24:29,202 Then where would I be? 1172 01:24:29,366 --> 01:24:33,279 If I'm gone, I'm not in a position to do any good any more. 1173 01:24:33,446 --> 01:24:37,439 - You're not doing good now. - Resignation may be a sop to our consciences, 1174 01:24:37,606 --> 01:24:40,439 but it won't stop terrorists getting British bombs. 1175 01:24:40,606 --> 01:24:43,643 - It might if you tell what you know. - What do I know? 1176 01:24:43,806 --> 01:24:49,563 I've no hard facts. I know it's going on because nobody's denied it, but that's not proof. 1177 01:24:49,726 --> 01:24:52,286 Can't you see? I'm in a real fix. 1178 01:24:52,446 --> 01:24:57,725 I don't think you realise just how real a fix you're in. This letter arrived today. 1179 01:24:58,406 --> 01:25:00,636 From Major Saunders. 1180 01:25:03,966 --> 01:25:06,605 "Dear Mr Hacker. Thank you for seeing me. 1181 01:25:06,766 --> 01:25:12,682 "Such a relief to have told you about the supply of British weapons to Italian terrorists. 1182 01:25:13,366 --> 01:25:16,836 "I know you will act upon this information as you promised 1183 01:25:17,006 --> 01:25:19,804 "and I look forward to seeing some action taken." 1184 01:25:19,966 --> 01:25:21,877 You see? 1185 01:25:22,046 --> 01:25:26,995 What will you do when Major Saunders tells the world he told you about it and you did nothing? 1186 01:25:27,166 --> 01:25:32,479 - It's a photocopy. He's got the original. - It was recorded delivery, so you did get it. 1187 01:25:33,086 --> 01:25:34,678 I'm trapped! 1188 01:25:37,246 --> 01:25:41,000 Completely trapped! I can't tell the PM, I can't NOT tell the PM. 1189 01:25:41,166 --> 01:25:45,444 - I see. - Might we not use the Rhodesia Solution? 1190 01:25:47,366 --> 01:25:52,076 Bernard, you excel yourself! Of course, Minister, the Rhodesia Solution! 1191 01:25:52,246 --> 01:25:54,362 - What's that? - Oil sanctions. 1192 01:25:54,526 --> 01:25:58,121 A member of the government was told about sanction-busting. 1193 01:25:58,286 --> 01:25:59,958 - What did he do? - Told the PM. 1194 01:26:00,126 --> 01:26:03,402 - And? - He told the PM in a way the PM didn't hear him. 1195 01:26:03,566 --> 01:26:08,845 Oh. Do you mean I should mumble it in the Division lobby? 1196 01:26:09,006 --> 01:26:12,476 - No, Minister, you write a note. - Very faint pencil? 1197 01:26:12,646 --> 01:26:15,399 - Please, be practical. - It's awfully obvious. 1198 01:26:15,566 --> 01:26:19,684 - Write a note susceptible of misinterpretation. - Oh, I see! 1199 01:26:19,846 --> 01:26:23,600 "Dear Prime Minister, I believe Italian Red Terrorists 1200 01:26:23,766 --> 01:26:28,078 "have secret British bomb-making equipment." How do you misinterpret that? 1201 01:26:28,246 --> 01:26:30,806 You can't. So you don't write that. 1202 01:26:30,966 --> 01:26:35,084 You use a more circumspect style with no mention of bombs or terrorists. 1203 01:26:35,246 --> 01:26:39,080 - Isn't that what it's all about? - Bernard, write this down. 1204 01:26:39,246 --> 01:26:46,163 "My attention has been drawn to information which suggests possible irregularities under..." 1205 01:26:46,326 --> 01:26:50,001 Section 1 of the Import, Export and Customs Powers Defence Act 1939c. 1206 01:26:50,166 --> 01:26:51,758 Thank you, Bernard. 1207 01:26:51,926 --> 01:26:55,714 You then suggest that somebody else should do something about it. 1208 01:26:55,886 --> 01:26:59,435 "Evidence suggests there may be a case for further investigation 1209 01:26:59,606 --> 01:27:02,643 "to establish whether enquiries should be put in hand." 1210 01:27:02,806 --> 01:27:05,195 Then you smudge it all over. 1211 01:27:05,366 --> 01:27:09,757 "Nevertheless, it should be stressed that available information is limited 1212 01:27:09,926 --> 01:27:13,714 "and facts could be difficult to establish with any certainty." 1213 01:27:13,886 --> 01:27:17,083 - I see. - If there's an enquiry, you'd be in the clear 1214 01:27:17,246 --> 01:27:21,762 and everybody would understand the busy PM might not have grasped the implications. 1215 01:27:21,926 --> 01:27:25,839 - They certainly would! That's most unclear. - Thank you, Minister! 1216 01:27:26,006 --> 01:27:31,638 You arrange for the letter to arrive at No. 10 on the day the PM has an overseas summit! 1217 01:27:31,806 --> 01:27:36,596 So there is also doubt about whether it was the PM or the acting PM who read the note. 1218 01:27:36,766 --> 01:27:41,521 It's seen as a breakdown in communication, everyone's cleared and can get on with things. 1219 01:27:41,686 --> 01:27:45,156 - Including the Red Terrorists! - Exactly... Bernard! 1220 01:27:46,646 --> 01:27:49,001 I'll tell you about government. 1221 01:27:49,166 --> 01:27:51,999 You must always try to do the right thing. 1222 01:27:52,166 --> 01:27:55,954 But you must never let anybody catch you trying to do it 1223 01:27:56,126 --> 01:27:59,004 because doing right's wrong. Right? 1224 01:27:59,166 --> 01:28:03,478 - Haven't you had enough, darling? - There's still some left in the bottle. 1225 01:28:04,566 --> 01:28:07,444 No, the thing about government is principle. 1226 01:28:07,606 --> 01:28:11,804 And the principle is you mustn't rock the boat... 1227 01:28:11,966 --> 01:28:16,323 ...because if you do, all the little consciences will fall out. 1228 01:28:17,086 --> 01:28:19,361 And you must all hang together. 1229 01:28:19,526 --> 01:28:24,122 Because if you don't hang together, you'll all be hanged separately. 1230 01:28:24,286 --> 01:28:26,641 I'm hanged if I'll be hanged! 1231 01:28:28,566 --> 01:28:32,878 You know... politics is about helping others. 1232 01:28:34,686 --> 01:28:37,598 Even if that means helping terrorists. 1233 01:28:38,766 --> 01:28:42,554 Terrorists are others, aren't they? Not us, are they? 1234 01:28:43,246 --> 01:28:44,599 No. 1235 01:28:44,766 --> 01:28:50,124 And you must always follow your conscience, but you must know where you're going. 1236 01:28:51,246 --> 01:28:53,714 So you can't follow your conscience. 1237 01:28:53,886 --> 01:28:57,322 'Cause it may not be going the same way that you are. 1238 01:28:58,526 --> 01:29:01,199 Empty... Like me. 1239 01:29:02,486 --> 01:29:06,001 - I'm a moral vacuum. - Cheer up, darling! 1240 01:29:06,166 --> 01:29:09,317 Nothing good comes out of Whitehall. You did what you could. 1241 01:29:09,486 --> 01:29:12,637 - You don't really mean that. - I do. 1242 01:29:12,806 --> 01:29:16,594 - I'm just like Humphrey and the rest. - That's not true! 1243 01:29:16,766 --> 01:29:20,475 He's lost his sense of right and wrong. You've still got yours. 1244 01:29:20,646 --> 01:29:24,002 - Have I? - It's just that you don't use it much. 1245 01:29:25,286 --> 01:29:30,041 You're a sort of whisky priest, you at least know when you've done the wrong thing. 1246 01:29:30,206 --> 01:29:32,845 - Whisky priest? - That's right. 1247 01:29:34,006 --> 01:29:35,803 Good. 1248 01:29:35,966 --> 01:29:39,675 - Let's open another bottle. - We haven't got one. 1249 01:29:39,846 --> 01:29:42,280 That's what you think! 1250 01:29:45,166 --> 01:29:48,238 Who said nothing good ever came out of Whitehall? 1251 01:29:49,526 --> 01:29:52,040 - You want one? - Yes, Minister! 1252 01:31:26,740 --> 01:31:29,573 (THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT) 1253 01:31:36,300 --> 01:31:39,292 (FINAL WHISTLE BLOWS) 1254 01:31:44,380 --> 01:31:47,929 - Coming for a drink in the board room, Jim? - Thanks. 1255 01:31:53,700 --> 01:31:57,010 Ah, well, better enjoy it while the club's still here. 1256 01:31:58,180 --> 01:32:01,138 - We've always survived. - It's different this time. 1257 01:32:01,300 --> 01:32:06,374 - Tell him, Brian. - We've had a meeting of the finance committee. 1258 01:32:06,540 --> 01:32:09,452 Aston Wanderers will have to call in the Receiver! 1259 01:32:09,620 --> 01:32:13,090 - You mean bankrupt? - The final whistle. 1260 01:32:13,260 --> 01:32:18,778 - We need one-and-a-half million quid, Jim. - The government waste that every 30 seconds! 1261 01:32:18,940 --> 01:32:22,376 - Oh, I say! - You know what people are saying, Jim? 1262 01:32:22,540 --> 01:32:28,251 It's no good having a Cabinet Minister for an MP. Better a local lad with time for his constituency. 1263 01:32:28,420 --> 01:32:29,899 - That's absurd! - Why? 1264 01:32:30,060 --> 01:32:35,054 - There are advantages if an MP's in the Cabinet. - We haven't noticed them, have we, Harry? 1265 01:32:35,220 --> 01:32:38,769 - Such as? - It reflects well on the constituency. 1266 01:32:38,940 --> 01:32:44,219 It's good to have powerful friends, influence in high places, a friend in need... 1267 01:32:44,380 --> 01:32:47,736 Listen, friend, what we need is one-and-a-half million quid! 1268 01:32:48,740 --> 01:32:50,059 Ah. 1269 01:32:50,220 --> 01:32:52,575 So will you use that influence to help us? 1270 01:32:52,740 --> 01:32:56,813 Well, when I said influence, I meant the indefinable sort, 1271 01:32:56,980 --> 01:33:01,178 the intangible, subtle benefit 1272 01:33:01,340 --> 01:33:05,094 of an input into broad general policy at its early stages 1273 01:33:05,260 --> 01:33:07,979 while keeping constituency interests in mind. 1274 01:33:08,980 --> 01:33:11,130 Do you mean no? 1275 01:33:11,900 --> 01:33:16,735 Well, anything I can do in a broad, general sense to further the cause, I will certainly... 1276 01:33:16,900 --> 01:33:18,333 ...er, do. 1277 01:33:19,100 --> 01:33:24,333 If I can. But for a minister to pump one-and-a-half million into his local football club! 1278 01:33:24,500 --> 01:33:26,092 He means no. 1279 01:33:26,260 --> 01:33:30,731 But there'd be lots of votes in it. You'd be the hero of the constituency. 1280 01:33:30,900 --> 01:33:35,098 "Jim Hacker, the man who saved Aston Wanderers!" Safe seat for life! 1281 01:33:35,260 --> 01:33:39,048 That might occur to the press. And the opposition. And the judge! 1282 01:33:39,220 --> 01:33:43,293 If this club goes to the wall it'll be a disaster. Look at our history! 1283 01:33:43,460 --> 01:33:47,055 FA Cup winners, League Champions, first team into Europe. 1284 01:33:47,220 --> 01:33:52,135 I know all that, but be fair. It's a local matter, not a ministerial one. 1285 01:33:52,300 --> 01:33:55,292 As chair of the Arts and Leisure Committee, can you help? 1286 01:33:55,460 --> 01:34:00,090 Me? You're joking. I spent half of yesterday trying to raise 711 quid 1287 01:34:00,260 --> 01:34:02,933 to repoint the chimney on the art gallery. 1288 01:34:03,100 --> 01:34:06,331 That miserable place? Why not let it fall down? 1289 01:34:06,500 --> 01:34:11,255 I'd love to, but if it fell on somebody, the Council's liable. We own the bloody place! 1290 01:34:11,420 --> 01:34:14,059 And we keep getting offers for the site. 1291 01:34:14,220 --> 01:34:17,257 Savefair Supermarkets were after it last month. 1292 01:34:17,420 --> 01:34:20,093 Hold on, how much were they offering? 1293 01:34:20,980 --> 01:34:23,414 About two million quid, I think. 1294 01:34:23,580 --> 01:34:27,459 If you sold the art gallery, you could save the football club. 1295 01:34:27,620 --> 01:34:31,215 - There'd have to be a planning enquiry. - Can we see it? 1296 01:34:31,380 --> 01:34:34,178 We'll have to be quick. They close at five. 1297 01:34:51,900 --> 01:34:55,449 - Hideous, isn't it? - It's a Grade II listed building. 1298 01:35:01,220 --> 01:35:07,295 Bernard, what is our political master up to with the Corn Exchange Art Gallery? 1299 01:35:07,460 --> 01:35:12,534 - Oh, er, how did you find out about that? - Not from you, Bernard. 1300 01:35:12,700 --> 01:35:15,294 An omission you may care to explain. 1301 01:35:16,500 --> 01:35:19,936 - Surely it's just a constituency matter? - Surely not. 1302 01:35:20,100 --> 01:35:23,137 Selling the gallery to Savefair Supermarkets 1303 01:35:23,300 --> 01:35:29,091 and giving an interest-free loan to Aston Wanderers, he's acting as an MP not a minister. 1304 01:35:29,260 --> 01:35:31,251 It is the principle, Bernard. 1305 01:35:31,420 --> 01:35:34,856 Have you thought what the effect would be if this happens? 1306 01:35:35,020 --> 01:35:37,329 - He'd be very popular. - Exactly! 1307 01:35:39,380 --> 01:35:42,577 Distressingly popular. Hideously popular. And then? 1308 01:35:42,740 --> 01:35:49,213 - The minister would be re-elected. - And that is not our top priority. 1309 01:35:49,380 --> 01:35:53,453 In this department, it makes little difference who the minister is. 1310 01:35:53,620 --> 01:35:58,410 But the point is, suppose other football clubs got into difficulties? 1311 01:35:58,580 --> 01:36:04,177 And what about greyhound racing? Should dog tracks be subsidised as well as football clubs? 1312 01:36:04,340 --> 01:36:08,333 - Why not, if that's what the people want? - Bernard... 1313 01:36:09,140 --> 01:36:10,539 ...subsidy... 1314 01:36:11,580 --> 01:36:15,209 ...is for art, for culture. 1315 01:36:16,820 --> 01:36:19,812 It is not to be given to what the people want! 1316 01:36:21,620 --> 01:36:24,976 It is for what the people don't want but ought to have! 1317 01:36:26,180 --> 01:36:29,570 If they want something they'll pay for it themselves! 1318 01:36:29,740 --> 01:36:35,895 No, we subsidise education, enlightenment, spiritual uplift. 1319 01:36:36,060 --> 01:36:38,699 Not the vulgar pastimes of ordinary people. 1320 01:36:38,860 --> 01:36:41,249 It's the thin end of the wedge. It must be stopped! 1321 01:36:43,860 --> 01:36:48,092 - Ah, Minister. - Humphrey. What's the matter now? 1322 01:36:48,260 --> 01:36:53,414 Minister, I thought you'd like early warning that there's a reshuffle in the offing. 1323 01:36:53,580 --> 01:36:55,889 (HE GASPS) 1324 01:36:56,060 --> 01:37:00,372 - You don't mean... You're not suggesting... - No, no, no, Minister. 1325 01:37:00,540 --> 01:37:04,055 There is to be a departmental reorganisation. 1326 01:37:04,220 --> 01:37:06,495 A real reshuffle. 1327 01:37:06,660 --> 01:37:09,572 - We may get extra responsibilities. - Do we want them? 1328 01:37:09,740 --> 01:37:14,655 We want all responsibilities, Minister, if they mean extra staff and bigger budgets. 1329 01:37:14,820 --> 01:37:20,497 It's the breadth of our responsibilities that makes us important, makes YOU important, Minister. 1330 01:37:20,660 --> 01:37:26,132 When you see vast buildings, huge staff and massive budgets, what do you conclude? 1331 01:37:26,300 --> 01:37:28,291 Bureaucracy? 1332 01:37:30,020 --> 01:37:33,933 No, Minister, you conclude that at the summit 1333 01:37:34,100 --> 01:37:39,857 there are men of great stature and dignity who hold the world in their hands 1334 01:37:40,020 --> 01:37:42,329 and tread the earth like princes. 1335 01:37:44,340 --> 01:37:45,853 Yes, I see. 1336 01:37:46,420 --> 01:37:49,696 So each new responsibility must be seized eagerly 1337 01:37:49,860 --> 01:37:52,328 and each old one guarded jealously. 1338 01:37:52,500 --> 01:37:57,369 - Entirely in your interests, of course, Minister. - Thank you for warning me, Humphrey. 1339 01:37:57,540 --> 01:37:59,656 Thank you, Minister. 1340 01:38:00,940 --> 01:38:03,932 Oh! By the way... 1341 01:38:04,940 --> 01:38:09,456 - About the Corn Exchange Art Gallery proposal. - What about it? 1342 01:38:09,620 --> 01:38:12,851 It's the most imaginative scheme, novel idea, 1343 01:38:13,020 --> 01:38:17,172 - but I wonder if it might not be a little unwise? - Why? 1344 01:38:17,340 --> 01:38:20,252 - A valuable civic amenity. - A monstrosity! 1345 01:38:21,460 --> 01:38:23,974 A valuable civic monstrosity. 1346 01:38:25,580 --> 01:38:29,414 - An important collection of British paintings. - Utterly unimportant. 1347 01:38:29,580 --> 01:38:33,255 Second-rate 18th-century portraits, third-rate 19th-century landscapes, 1348 01:38:33,420 --> 01:38:36,412 modern paintings the Tate wouldn't even store. 1349 01:38:36,580 --> 01:38:40,493 But an important representative collection of unimportant paintings. 1350 01:38:40,660 --> 01:38:44,573 And a source of great spiritual uplift to passing citizenry. 1351 01:38:44,740 --> 01:38:47,777 - They never go in! - But they know it's there. 1352 01:38:47,940 --> 01:38:51,535 The curator says they average 11 visitors a day! 1353 01:38:51,700 --> 01:38:55,852 It's a constituency matter. Nothing to do with Whitehall. What's your interest? 1354 01:38:56,020 --> 01:38:58,454 - A question of principle. - Principle? 1355 01:38:58,620 --> 01:39:01,612 What you used to tell me politics was about. 1356 01:39:01,780 --> 01:39:06,092 - What principle? - The principle of taking money away from the arts 1357 01:39:06,260 --> 01:39:08,137 and putting it into football. 1358 01:39:08,300 --> 01:39:14,057 A football club is a commercial operation. There's no cause for subsidy if it runs out of money. 1359 01:39:14,220 --> 01:39:15,653 - Why not? - Why not? 1360 01:39:15,820 --> 01:39:19,449 Yes. There's no difference between subsidising football and art. 1361 01:39:19,620 --> 01:39:22,453 Except more people are interested in football. 1362 01:39:22,620 --> 01:39:26,454 - Our cultural heritage has to be preserved. - For whom? 1363 01:39:26,620 --> 01:39:30,898 For people like you, you mean, the educated middle classes. 1364 01:39:31,060 --> 01:39:34,894 Why should others subsidise the pleasures of the middle-class few? 1365 01:39:35,060 --> 01:39:37,574 Theatre, opera, ballet! 1366 01:39:37,740 --> 01:39:44,088 - Subsidising art is a middle-class rip-off. - Oh, Minister, how can you say such a thing? 1367 01:39:44,260 --> 01:39:48,731 Subsidy is about education, preserving the pinnacles of our civilisation. 1368 01:39:48,900 --> 01:39:52,939 - Or hadn't you noticed? - Don't patronise me. I believe in education. 1369 01:39:53,100 --> 01:39:57,537 I'm a graduate of the London School of Economics, remember. 1370 01:39:57,700 --> 01:40:02,615 I'm glad to learn that even the LSE is not totally opposed to education. 1371 01:40:03,540 --> 01:40:06,930 Nothing wrong with subsidising sport. Sport is educational. 1372 01:40:07,100 --> 01:40:10,410 We have sex education too. Should we subsidise sex? 1373 01:40:10,580 --> 01:40:11,933 Could we? 1374 01:40:14,820 --> 01:40:19,336 Let us choose what we subsidise by the extent of popular demand. 1375 01:40:19,500 --> 01:40:23,493 - Nothing wrong with that. It's democratic. - It's the thin end of the wedge! 1376 01:40:23,660 --> 01:40:28,893 What would happen to the Royal Opera House, the very summit of our cultural achievement? 1377 01:40:29,060 --> 01:40:34,418 Very good case in point. What do they do? Mozart, Wagner, Verdi, Puccini. 1378 01:40:34,580 --> 01:40:37,936 Germans and Italians, not our culture. 1379 01:40:38,820 --> 01:40:42,938 Why should we subsidise the culture of the Axis powers? 1380 01:40:43,100 --> 01:40:45,853 Our European partners, Minister! 1381 01:40:46,020 --> 01:40:50,935 The Royal Opera House gets nine-and-a-half million pounds of public money every year. 1382 01:40:51,100 --> 01:40:56,970 And for what? The public can't afford £30 seats and if it could there aren't enough of them. 1383 01:40:57,140 --> 01:41:01,258 The vast majority of the audience consists of big business executives 1384 01:41:01,420 --> 01:41:06,210 block-booked by the banks and oil companies and multinationals and people like you. 1385 01:41:06,380 --> 01:41:09,690 The Royal Opera House is the establishment at play. 1386 01:41:09,860 --> 01:41:15,571 Why should the working man pay for the gentry who can perfectly well afford their own seats? 1387 01:41:15,740 --> 01:41:20,052 Minister, I'm quite frankly appalled. This is savagery, barbarism. 1388 01:41:20,940 --> 01:41:26,731 That a Minister of the Crown should say such things, it's the end of civilisation as we know it, 1389 01:41:28,820 --> 01:41:32,495 - as well as being a gross distortion of the truth. - Distortion? 1390 01:41:32,660 --> 01:41:36,699 - Art cannot survive without public subsidy. - Did Shakespeare get a subsidy? 1391 01:41:36,860 --> 01:41:42,617 And films? Films are art and educational. Why does the establishment ignore their subsidy? 1392 01:41:42,780 --> 01:41:45,294 Because people like you prefer opera. 1393 01:41:45,460 --> 01:41:50,170 We should subsidise relevant art like films that the man in the street can enjoy. 1394 01:41:50,340 --> 01:41:52,774 Precisely! They are commercial. 1395 01:41:54,220 --> 01:41:59,374 Now, excuse me, I have to go early. I cannot continue with this appalling discussion. 1396 01:41:59,540 --> 01:42:01,849 - Where are you going? - Nowhere. 1397 01:42:02,020 --> 01:42:05,410 Well, I'm sorry. We must talk this through. 1398 01:42:05,580 --> 01:42:07,855 I can't. I have to dress. 1399 01:42:09,100 --> 01:42:11,853 Dress? Where are you going? 1400 01:42:15,700 --> 01:42:19,454 Since you insist, I am going to the Royal Opera House. 1401 01:42:21,180 --> 01:42:23,216 Are you really? 1402 01:42:24,820 --> 01:42:26,890 Gala night, is it? 1403 01:42:27,700 --> 01:42:32,091 - Yes, it is, since you ask. - Lots of Permanent Secretaries going? 1404 01:42:32,260 --> 01:42:34,410 Some, no doubt. 1405 01:42:34,580 --> 01:42:37,811 - Off you go, then. - Thank you. 1406 01:42:37,980 --> 01:42:41,370 I don't want to make you late for your works' outing! 1407 01:42:42,900 --> 01:42:45,698 That's what it is, isn't it? What's on tonight? 1408 01:42:45,860 --> 01:42:48,169 The Flying Dutchman. 1409 01:42:48,340 --> 01:42:51,218 Another of our European partners! 1410 01:42:57,100 --> 01:42:59,250 - G&T, lan? - Thanks. 1411 01:42:59,420 --> 01:43:02,298 Two G&Ts, please, large ones. 1412 01:43:02,460 --> 01:43:07,773 And some of those smoked salmon sandwiches you have. Thank you very much. 1413 01:43:08,500 --> 01:43:12,049 - So, how's the environment? - Bit smoky, isn't it? 1414 01:43:13,260 --> 01:43:16,855 Oh, you mean my department? Chaos, as usual. 1415 01:43:17,020 --> 01:43:21,377 - What, the Secretary of State is trying to run it? - I could cope with that. 1416 01:43:21,540 --> 01:43:24,498 One of the junior ministers is trying to help him. 1417 01:43:24,660 --> 01:43:26,776 Oh, Lord. Who? 1418 01:43:26,940 --> 01:43:31,218 - Giles Freeman, the Parli Sec. - Oh, Lord, him? 1419 01:43:31,380 --> 01:43:35,578 - Anyhow, what do you want to talk about? - A planning enquiry. 1420 01:43:35,740 --> 01:43:38,049 Important we get the right result. 1421 01:43:38,220 --> 01:43:41,371 My planning inspectors are absolutely independent. 1422 01:43:41,540 --> 01:43:43,895 - Absolutely. - No undue influence. 1423 01:43:44,060 --> 01:43:49,339 No, no, I wouldn't suggest it. But if it's a question of giving certain informal guidelines... 1424 01:43:49,500 --> 01:43:53,254 - Putting the enquiry into perspective. - Yes, indeed. 1425 01:43:53,420 --> 01:43:58,175 Explaining the background to facilitate an appreciation of the issues and implications. 1426 01:43:58,340 --> 01:44:00,934 - That would be quite proper. - Splendid. 1427 01:44:01,100 --> 01:44:03,455 - Ah. - Thank you very much. 1428 01:44:05,540 --> 01:44:08,532 Er, right. Thank you very much. 1429 01:44:09,220 --> 01:44:10,539 Cheers. 1430 01:44:10,700 --> 01:44:13,692 So what do you want me to fix? 1431 01:44:15,380 --> 01:44:20,659 It's an art gallery in the West Midlands. Proposed demolition of a Grade II listed building. 1432 01:44:20,820 --> 01:44:25,496 - I'm sure we can arrange that. Only too happy. - Splendid. 1433 01:44:25,660 --> 01:44:28,652 We're knocking them down all over the place. 1434 01:44:28,820 --> 01:44:31,778 No, no, the proposal has to be rejected. 1435 01:44:33,420 --> 01:44:36,014 Really? Why? 1436 01:44:36,180 --> 01:44:42,130 If it goes through, they'll use the proceeds to save the local football club from bankruptcy. 1437 01:44:42,300 --> 01:44:44,939 - Humphrey... - I know. 1438 01:44:45,780 --> 01:44:51,730 If once you allow the principle of money being taken from the arts and given to ordinary people... 1439 01:44:53,860 --> 01:44:56,215 ...to enjoy themselves! 1440 01:44:57,980 --> 01:44:59,891 - I agree. - Where will it end? 1441 01:45:00,060 --> 01:45:01,379 Exactly. 1442 01:45:01,980 --> 01:45:05,495 - Where did this appalling idea come from? - My lord and master. 1443 01:45:05,660 --> 01:45:08,936 He's getting very het up over the sweaty masses. 1444 01:45:09,100 --> 01:45:14,538 - Didn't you stop him? What were you thinking of? - It's not me. It's his constituency. 1445 01:45:14,700 --> 01:45:20,013 Apparently he put it to a group of councillors last Saturday and they jumped at it. 1446 01:45:20,180 --> 01:45:23,536 I've always said we shouldn't let him out at weekends! 1447 01:45:23,940 --> 01:45:27,535 He only causes trouble. You realise where this could lead? 1448 01:45:27,700 --> 01:45:32,490 Today a Midlands art gallery goes to support the local football club, 1449 01:45:32,660 --> 01:45:36,858 tomorrow the Royal Opera House grant goes to modernise Wembley Stadium. 1450 01:45:37,020 --> 01:45:41,650 My point exactly. So I can trust you to keep an eye on the planning enquiry? 1451 01:45:41,820 --> 01:45:45,051 - Well, I can't influence the inspector... - 'Course not. 1452 01:45:45,220 --> 01:45:48,735 But I'll put someone on it who's overdue for promotion. 1453 01:45:48,900 --> 01:45:52,256 Good. You'll give him a thorough briefing, won't you? 1454 01:45:52,420 --> 01:45:55,457 Oh, I'm sure he will see the real issue. 1455 01:45:56,020 --> 01:45:58,488 Civilisation versus barbarism. 1456 01:45:59,100 --> 01:46:04,811 We can't have arts money going to popular sport. It's simply subsidising self-indulgence. 1457 01:46:04,980 --> 01:46:06,459 Exactly. 1458 01:46:08,100 --> 01:46:14,255 Minister, before we go over today's diary, there's something I'd like to suggest, if I may be so bold. 1459 01:46:14,420 --> 01:46:18,618 - Be as bold as you like. - Well, I feel, and I say this with respect, 1460 01:46:18,780 --> 01:46:22,455 you shouldn't get too involved with this football club affair. 1461 01:46:22,620 --> 01:46:26,374 That is bold, isn't it? It's a constituency matter. 1462 01:46:26,540 --> 01:46:30,692 Better for me to be "bold" than you to be stumped, Minister! 1463 01:46:31,860 --> 01:46:33,418 Very droll. 1464 01:46:33,580 --> 01:46:37,459 It's axiomatic in Whitehall that even an MP, let alone a minister, 1465 01:46:37,620 --> 01:46:41,533 should never take part in a planning enquiry in his own constituency. 1466 01:46:41,700 --> 01:46:44,612 - Why not? - Because of finely-balanced local issues. 1467 01:46:44,780 --> 01:46:48,136 You'll offend as many constituents as you'll please. 1468 01:46:48,300 --> 01:46:51,770 It's especially dangerous if there's a quango in the wings. 1469 01:46:51,940 --> 01:46:55,819 No. Issues aren't finely-balanced. Everyone's on the same side, 1470 01:46:55,980 --> 01:46:58,733 except a few wet, long-haired scruffy art lovers! 1471 01:47:00,860 --> 01:47:03,772 We'll take a look at your diary for this morning. 1472 01:47:03,940 --> 01:47:05,578 Oh, fine. 1473 01:47:05,740 --> 01:47:10,370 10.15, Secretary General of the Arts Council, the biggest quango of all. 1474 01:47:10,540 --> 01:47:14,499 10.45, Historic Monuments Association, 11.00, The National Trust. 1475 01:47:14,660 --> 01:47:19,336 11.15, Country Landowners Association, 11.30, Council for Protection of Rural England... 1476 01:47:19,500 --> 01:47:23,413 - Rural England? - There's quite a lot of it out there! 1477 01:47:23,580 --> 01:47:28,131 - Why are all these people coming to see me? - The art gallery, Minister. 1478 01:47:28,300 --> 01:47:31,053 It's the arts and architecture mafia. 1479 01:47:31,940 --> 01:47:36,730 - 11.45, the Country Crafts and Folklore Council. - Who are they? 1480 01:47:36,900 --> 01:47:39,209 The raffia mafia. 1481 01:47:43,140 --> 01:47:45,893 Influential people coming out of the woodwork. 1482 01:47:46,060 --> 01:47:51,054 There'll be letters in The Times, hostile articles in the Sundays, you'll be called a vandal. 1483 01:47:51,220 --> 01:47:54,417 They'll orchestrate opposition in your constituency. 1484 01:47:54,580 --> 01:47:58,778 Why did you put them in my diary? I didn't ask you to. What were you thinking? 1485 01:47:58,940 --> 01:48:02,376 - I was thinking of Sir Humphrey. He asked me to. - No. 1486 01:48:02,540 --> 01:48:05,259 I'm going to support this excellent scheme, come what may. 1487 01:48:07,820 --> 01:48:14,134 As you will. May I just have your approval for this local government allowances amendment? 1488 01:48:14,780 --> 01:48:17,578 It's a statutory instrument to go before the House. 1489 01:48:17,740 --> 01:48:22,177 As Minister for Local Government, you need to authorise that revised paragraph 5, 1490 01:48:22,340 --> 01:48:26,492 Number 2 regulation 1971 shall come into operation on March 18th, 1491 01:48:26,660 --> 01:48:32,576 revoking regulation 7 of the local government allowances amendment regulations 1954b. 1492 01:48:33,780 --> 01:48:35,896 What the hell's all that mean? 1493 01:48:36,060 --> 01:48:38,290 There is an explanatory note. 1494 01:48:38,460 --> 01:48:40,496 "These regulations make provision 1495 01:48:40,660 --> 01:48:45,450 "for prescribing allowances payable to members of local authorities. 1496 01:48:45,620 --> 01:48:51,695 "Explanatory note, regulation 3 of the local government allowances amendment (1971) 1497 01:48:51,860 --> 01:48:54,055 "(the 1971 regulations) 1498 01:48:54,220 --> 01:48:58,259 "Substituted a new regulation for regulation 3 of the 1954 regulations. 1499 01:48:58,420 --> 01:49:02,777 "Regulation 3 of the local government allowances amendment regulations 1972, 1500 01:49:02,940 --> 01:49:07,809 "(the 1972 regulations) further made amends regulation 3 of the 1954 regulations 1501 01:49:07,980 --> 01:49:12,132 "by increasing the maximum rates of attendance and financial loss allowances." 1502 01:49:12,300 --> 01:49:15,975 - I haven't the faintest... - "Regulation 7, 1982, 1503 01:49:16,140 --> 01:49:20,372 "revoked both regulations 3 and 5 of the 1971 regulations, 1504 01:49:20,540 --> 01:49:25,694 "regulation 5 being a regulation revoking earlier spent regulations, 1505 01:49:25,860 --> 01:49:28,215 "with effect from 1st April next. 1506 01:49:29,460 --> 01:49:34,136 "These regulations preserve regulations 3 and 5 of the 1971 regulations 1507 01:49:34,300 --> 01:49:37,576 "by revoking regulation 7 of the 1972 regulations." 1508 01:49:40,980 --> 01:49:43,335 That's an explanatory note? 1509 01:49:44,100 --> 01:49:46,455 Yes, I think that's all quite clear. 1510 01:49:47,620 --> 01:49:50,532 Why must I listen to this piddling gobbledegook? 1511 01:49:52,220 --> 01:49:56,133 I thought it would be an opportune moment for you to ensure 1512 01:49:56,300 --> 01:50:01,772 that as a result of your ministerial efforts, local councillors will get more for attending meetings. 1513 01:50:01,940 --> 01:50:04,818 - Oh, is that what it means? - Yes. 1514 01:50:04,980 --> 01:50:08,097 Excellent. It is, as you say, opportune. 1515 01:50:09,020 --> 01:50:14,219 - And may I make one further small suggestion? - Be my guest. 1516 01:50:14,660 --> 01:50:18,733 Sir Humphrey had a word with Sir lan Whitworth last night. 1517 01:50:18,900 --> 01:50:22,131 - Lan Whitworth! - The Corn Exchange is a listed building, 1518 01:50:22,300 --> 01:50:25,736 so one of his planning inspectors will conduct the enquiry. 1519 01:50:25,900 --> 01:50:29,859 Sir Humphrey and Sir lan will give him some informal guidelines. 1520 01:50:30,020 --> 01:50:32,659 How do you mean, "informal guidelines"? 1521 01:50:32,820 --> 01:50:37,177 Guidelines are perfectly proper. Everyone has guidelines for their work. 1522 01:50:37,820 --> 01:50:40,892 I thought planning inspectors were impartial? 1523 01:50:41,060 --> 01:50:42,937 Oh, really, Minister! 1524 01:50:43,100 --> 01:50:46,092 So they are. Railway trains are impartial too. 1525 01:50:46,260 --> 01:50:50,697 But if you lay down the lines for them, that's the way they go! 1526 01:50:51,300 --> 01:50:54,497 - But that's not fair! - It's politics, Minister. 1527 01:50:54,660 --> 01:51:00,098 What has Sir Humphrey got to do with politics? He's a civil servant. I'm the one in politics! 1528 01:51:00,260 --> 01:51:02,330 Yes, Minister, indeed you are! 1529 01:51:03,620 --> 01:51:07,613 How do they intend to put pressure on this planning inspector? 1530 01:51:07,780 --> 01:51:10,977 Planning inspectors have an independent hierarchy. 1531 01:51:11,140 --> 01:51:14,257 A vulnerable one is one anxious for promotion. 1532 01:51:15,180 --> 01:51:20,618 How are planning inspectors chosen for an enquiry? Could a minister interfere? 1533 01:51:20,780 --> 01:51:24,489 - Ministers are our lords and masters. - Good. 1534 01:51:25,060 --> 01:51:29,929 The Parli Sec at the Department of the Environment is an old friend, Giles Freeman. 1535 01:51:30,100 --> 01:51:34,855 Well, if Mr Freeman could arrange for an inspector who didn't care about promotion, 1536 01:51:35,020 --> 01:51:37,534 if, for instance, he's about to retire, 1537 01:51:37,700 --> 01:51:42,410 he'll probably reach a verdict favouring the community rather than the department. 1538 01:51:43,060 --> 01:51:45,972 Good! Get me Giles on the phone, would you? 1539 01:51:46,140 --> 01:51:50,816 His Private Secretary says he can meet you in the lobby after the vote this evening. 1540 01:51:54,500 --> 01:51:57,856 Bernard, have you ever thought of going into politics? 1541 01:51:59,900 --> 01:52:02,095 - Oh, no, Minister. - Why not? 1542 01:52:02,260 --> 01:52:05,730 - I once looked it up in my thesaurus. - What did it say? 1543 01:52:05,900 --> 01:52:09,973 Manipulation, intrigue, wire-pulling, evasion, graft, rabble-rousing... 1544 01:52:10,140 --> 01:52:13,132 I'd prefer to leave that to our lords and masters. 1545 01:52:13,300 --> 01:52:15,894 I don't think I have the necessary qualities. 1546 01:52:17,860 --> 01:52:21,057 Don't underestimate yourself, Bernard! 1547 01:52:21,220 --> 01:52:26,214 Now it seems Hacker has got at Giles Freeman, the Parli Sec in my department, 1548 01:52:26,380 --> 01:52:30,578 who insisted on appointing a different planning inspector to the one I chose! 1549 01:52:30,740 --> 01:52:33,732 One who'd be sympathetic to Hacker's scheme. 1550 01:52:33,900 --> 01:52:37,131 - This is rather worrying. - Worrying? It's desperate! 1551 01:52:37,300 --> 01:52:42,818 There's now every danger that the planning inspector could make up his own mind! 1552 01:52:44,180 --> 01:52:47,616 There's likely to be huge local support for the scheme. 1553 01:52:47,780 --> 01:52:52,934 - But how can I help? - I hoped you'd have some ideas, Arnold. 1554 01:52:54,500 --> 01:52:57,492 Wait a minute! I've thought of something. 1555 01:52:58,660 --> 01:53:02,812 When the departmental reorganisation occurs next week... 1556 01:53:05,060 --> 01:53:09,451 ...you could make Hacker Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts! 1557 01:53:10,260 --> 01:53:13,570 - But isn't he a complete philistine? - Yes. 1558 01:53:14,420 --> 01:53:18,413 But then the Industry Secretary is the idlest man in town. 1559 01:53:23,020 --> 01:53:25,614 The Education Secretary is illiterate! 1560 01:53:28,060 --> 01:53:30,938 The Employment Secretary is unemployable! 1561 01:53:31,940 --> 01:53:34,932 Quite. That's good thinking, Humphrey. 1562 01:53:35,100 --> 01:53:41,096 Hacker can hardly start out as Cabinet Minister for the arts by closing down an art gallery. 1563 01:53:41,260 --> 01:53:43,979 - Exactly. - But it's not a reshuffle, is it? 1564 01:53:44,140 --> 01:53:49,134 No, I simply meant reorganise. Move the arts and telecommunications 1565 01:53:49,300 --> 01:53:51,939 into the purview of the DAA. 1566 01:53:52,100 --> 01:53:54,898 Arts and television together? 1567 01:53:55,060 --> 01:53:57,938 What have they got to do with each other? 1568 01:53:59,100 --> 01:54:01,375 They're complete opposites. 1569 01:54:01,540 --> 01:54:07,058 Wouldn't we be creating a monster department? You've already got local government as well. 1570 01:54:07,220 --> 01:54:11,293 - Arts and local government go well together. - How so? 1571 01:54:12,180 --> 01:54:14,933 Well, the art of jiggery-pokery! 1572 01:54:17,140 --> 01:54:20,530 You only just thought of this here and now, did you? 1573 01:54:21,740 --> 01:54:26,211 - Yes, why? - Bit of an artist yourself, aren't you? 1574 01:54:26,900 --> 01:54:28,697 Oh, Arnold! 1575 01:54:31,260 --> 01:54:34,058 - Anything more, Bernard? - Sir Humphrey wants a word 1576 01:54:34,220 --> 01:54:36,973 before your meeting about Aston Wanderers. 1577 01:54:37,140 --> 01:54:39,529 But I'm unshakeable on that! 1578 01:54:39,700 --> 01:54:41,975 It's no good, Humphrey, my mind is made up. 1579 01:54:42,140 --> 01:54:46,179 You might be interested in a new development, the government reshuffle. 1580 01:54:46,340 --> 01:54:50,856 - You said it was just a reorganisation. - Not JUST a reorganisation. 1581 01:54:51,020 --> 01:54:53,409 A reorganisation. 1582 01:54:54,940 --> 01:55:00,253 I'm delighted to tell you that it has brought us, brought YOU, new honour and importance. 1583 01:55:00,420 --> 01:55:07,496 In addition to existing responsibilities, you will be Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts. 1584 01:55:13,300 --> 01:55:17,976 I say, that's rather good, isn't it! Hold on, how do you know before I do? 1585 01:55:18,140 --> 01:55:23,134 I just happened to be with the Cabinet Secretary shortly after the decision was taken. 1586 01:55:23,300 --> 01:55:24,699 I see. 1587 01:55:24,860 --> 01:55:27,852 Cabinet Minister with responsibility for the arts! 1588 01:55:28,020 --> 01:55:30,488 - Well, well, well! - Yes, indeed. 1589 01:55:30,660 --> 01:55:33,333 Anything more? I'm about to start a meeting. 1590 01:55:33,500 --> 01:55:34,979 Oh, the meeting, yes. 1591 01:55:35,140 --> 01:55:40,737 I do hope you've considered the implications of your new appointment on the subject. 1592 01:55:40,900 --> 01:55:44,017 - Rescuing a football club? - No, no. 1593 01:55:44,180 --> 01:55:48,651 I was wondering how it would look if as Minister responsible for the arts, 1594 01:55:48,820 --> 01:55:51,493 your first act was to knock down an art gallery. 1595 01:56:07,580 --> 01:56:09,935 It's quite a decent little art gallery... 1596 01:56:11,860 --> 01:56:13,691 - Exactly. - Interesting building. 1597 01:56:13,860 --> 01:56:16,852 - Grade II listed. - Minister, your meeting... 1598 01:56:18,420 --> 01:56:21,571 Oh, my God! What am I going to say? 1599 01:56:22,740 --> 01:56:27,052 - Councillors Wilkinson, Noble and Green. - Brian, good to see you. 1600 01:56:27,220 --> 01:56:29,529 Pete... Doug. 1601 01:56:29,700 --> 01:56:32,692 Sir Humphrey Appleby, my Permanent Secretary. 1602 01:56:32,860 --> 01:56:35,533 You mean he's only a temp! 1603 01:56:38,180 --> 01:56:43,095 It's going great, Jim. We've got all the political parties with us and the County Council. 1604 01:56:43,260 --> 01:56:48,937 All we need is your approval for using the sale of the art gallery as a loan to the club. 1605 01:56:50,700 --> 01:56:53,498 Well, I'm afraid there's a snag. 1606 01:56:53,660 --> 01:56:56,299 - You said there weren't any! - Well, there is. 1607 01:56:57,780 --> 01:57:00,248 Well, it's just that... Well... 1608 01:57:00,420 --> 01:57:02,775 It appears... Well, it seems... 1609 01:57:03,980 --> 01:57:06,813 Well, I should say it has emerged... 1610 01:57:08,340 --> 01:57:11,059 Sir Humphrey can explain better than me. 1611 01:57:15,380 --> 01:57:20,898 It can't be done, gentlemen. Er, the art gallery is... It's a trust. 1612 01:57:21,060 --> 01:57:24,814 - Terms of the original bequest. - Yes, it's a trust. 1613 01:57:24,980 --> 01:57:27,858 We shall have to knock something else down! 1614 01:57:28,020 --> 01:57:32,218 School, church, hospital... There's bound to be something! 1615 01:57:32,380 --> 01:57:38,091 I can't believe this. So I have to tell people back home you've gone back on your word? 1616 01:57:38,260 --> 01:57:41,093 - It was your own idea! - It's not me, it's the law. 1617 01:57:41,260 --> 01:57:44,093 Why didn't you find out till now? 1618 01:57:45,220 --> 01:57:47,859 - Well... - A-hem. 1619 01:57:57,020 --> 01:57:59,853 Let me be absolutely frank with you. 1620 01:58:00,020 --> 01:58:05,936 The truth is, it would be possible to push this through, just possible, 1621 01:58:06,100 --> 01:58:10,059 - but it would take an awful long time. - OK, we've spent enough. 1622 01:58:10,220 --> 01:58:14,657 Trouble is, something else would have to go by the board. 1623 01:58:14,820 --> 01:58:20,258 The thing that's taking my time at the moment is forcing through councillors' expenses 1624 01:58:20,420 --> 01:58:23,014 and attendance allowances. 1625 01:58:23,980 --> 01:58:27,734 I can't put my personal weight behind both schemes. 1626 01:58:29,860 --> 01:58:34,809 I suppose I could forget about the increased allowances for councillors 1627 01:58:34,980 --> 01:58:39,098 and concentrate on the legal obstacles, the sale of the art gallery. 1628 01:58:39,260 --> 01:58:44,778 - Tricky things, legal obstacles. - This is a particularly tricky one. 1629 01:58:44,940 --> 01:58:47,534 At the end of the day, you might still fail. 1630 01:58:49,300 --> 01:58:53,054 - Every possibility. - If that's the way it is... 1631 01:58:53,220 --> 01:58:58,533 there's a chance we might want to close Edgehill primary at the end of the year... 1632 01:58:58,700 --> 01:59:02,090 That site would fetch a couple of million, give or take. 1633 01:59:02,260 --> 01:59:06,048 Well, there it is, then. No ill feelings to you. 1634 01:59:06,220 --> 01:59:10,816 Good. And you'll explain locally that we can't overcome the legal obstacles? 1635 01:59:10,980 --> 01:59:14,336 'Course we will. Carry on with the good work! 1636 01:59:19,780 --> 01:59:23,375 Oh, Minister, a work of art. 1637 01:59:26,260 --> 01:59:31,050 - If you'll excuse me, I have to dress. - Another works' outing? 1638 01:59:34,820 --> 01:59:37,493 - Er, Humphrey... - Minister? 1639 01:59:37,660 --> 01:59:42,176 - As Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts... - Hmm? 1640 01:59:44,860 --> 01:59:47,420 ...could I come too? 1641 01:59:47,940 --> 01:59:49,453 Yes, Minister!