1 00:00:40,095 --> 00:00:42,689 Hello, darling. Good Cabinet meeting? 2 00:00:42,855 --> 00:00:45,847 - Hmm. - Good Cabinet meeting, darling? 3 00:00:46,015 --> 00:00:49,769 - I want a triple Scotch! - As bad as that? Why? 4 00:00:50,975 --> 00:00:57,164 The financial crisis is much worse than we thought. All the Cabinet must make cuts. 5 00:00:57,375 --> 00:01:01,812 - Bernard, would you like a Scotch? - Yes, a large one, please. 6 00:01:02,015 --> 00:01:05,166 Humphrey should have seen this coming. 7 00:01:05,375 --> 00:01:09,573 I don't think he understands Economics. He did read Classics. 8 00:01:09,735 --> 00:01:12,124 Sir Frank is head of the Treasury. 9 00:01:12,335 --> 00:01:17,284 He's at an even greater disadvantage in understanding Economics. He's an economist. 10 00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:22,489 - Can't they see there's got to be cuts? - In other departments, not in their own! 11 00:01:22,655 --> 00:01:25,089 So you ordered a clampdown? 12 00:01:25,255 --> 00:01:30,283 - I can't do that. I'm only the Prime Minister. - But you're in charge. 13 00:01:30,495 --> 00:01:34,454 A leader can only lead by consent, consensus. That's democracy. 14 00:01:34,655 --> 00:01:37,647 - So who IS in charge? - Nobody, really. 15 00:01:37,815 --> 00:01:42,093 - Is that good? - It must be. That's what democracy is about. 16 00:01:42,295 --> 00:01:48,404 And I've got a deputation of MPs coming to see me about a pay rise I promised them. 17 00:01:48,615 --> 00:01:52,210 - What will you say? - That I deeply sympathise. I don't. 18 00:01:52,375 --> 00:01:54,764 That they fully deserve it. Not true. 19 00:01:54,935 --> 00:01:59,725 And that I shall make it my first priority as soon as the crisis is over. I shan't. 20 00:01:59,895 --> 00:02:03,888 If they vote themselves a whacking great pay rise, 21 00:02:04,055 --> 00:02:08,287 it doesn't do very much for the dignity of Parliament. It doesn't. 22 00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:13,489 - Are they underpaid? - Underpaid?! Backbench MPs? Darling... 23 00:02:13,695 --> 00:02:16,687 Being an MP is a vast, subsidised ego trip. 24 00:02:16,855 --> 00:02:22,771 You need no qualifications, no compulsory hours of work, no performance standards. 25 00:02:23,775 --> 00:02:28,803 A warm room and subsidised meals for a bunch of self-opinionated windbags and busybodies 26 00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:34,809 who suddenly find people taking them seriously because they've got ''MP'' after their names! 27 00:02:34,975 --> 00:02:39,765 How can they be underpaid when there's about 200 applicants for every vacancy? 28 00:02:39,935 --> 00:02:44,531 You could fill every seat 20 times over even if they paid to do the job! 29 00:02:44,735 --> 00:02:47,329 You were a backbench MP only 5 years ago. 30 00:02:47,495 --> 00:02:49,884 I was the exception. 31 00:02:50,055 --> 00:02:52,649 I was the cream. I rose to the top. 32 00:02:55,255 --> 00:02:58,804 - Do you think you'll shut them up? - Who knows? 33 00:02:59,015 --> 00:03:04,487 The public will never stand for an MPs' pay rise when we cut back on nurses and teachers. 34 00:03:04,695 --> 00:03:07,448 Oh, that's a much more serious problem. 35 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:12,445 No, darling, much LESS serious. They can't vote against me till the next election. 36 00:03:12,615 --> 00:03:15,413 Backbenchers can do it at 10 o'clock tonight. 37 00:03:17,775 --> 00:03:20,687 Humphrey, I've just had a very stormy meeting with my backbenchers! 38 00:03:20,855 --> 00:03:24,848 - I'm so sorry. - If I had warning, I'd have softened them up. 39 00:03:25,015 --> 00:03:29,406 - Papers only arrived the night before Cabinet! - Most regrettable. 40 00:03:29,615 --> 00:03:35,247 It's up to you, Humphrey. You must insist that we get papers circulated earlier. 41 00:03:35,455 --> 00:03:40,245 Alas, there are grave problems in circulating papers before they are written. 42 00:03:41,575 --> 00:03:43,645 Why the sudden crisis? 43 00:03:43,855 --> 00:03:49,134 - Prime Minister, you must ask Sir Frank. - What would Sir Frank say? 44 00:03:49,335 --> 00:03:51,803 It is not for a humble mortal such as I 45 00:03:51,975 --> 00:03:56,765 to speculate on the complex and elevated deliberations of the mighty, 46 00:03:56,935 --> 00:04:01,725 but, in general, I think Sir Frank believes that if the Treasury knows something must be done, 47 00:04:01,895 --> 00:04:04,887 the Cabinet shouldn't have time to think about it.. 48 00:04:05,095 --> 00:04:06,494 Outrageous! 49 00:04:06,695 --> 00:04:11,485 - Yes, indeed. It's known as Treasury policy. - Suppose the Cabinet has questions? 50 00:04:11,695 --> 00:04:16,450 His view is on the rare occasions when the Treasury understands the questions, 51 00:04:16,615 --> 00:04:19,607 the Cabinet doesn't understand the answers. 52 00:04:19,815 --> 00:04:22,807 - Do you subscribe to that view? - I, Prime Minister, 53 00:04:22,975 --> 00:04:26,206 I merely try to carry out your wishes. 54 00:04:26,415 --> 00:04:31,205 I wish that in future all Cabinet papers be circulated at least 48 hours in advance. 55 00:04:31,375 --> 00:04:34,367 - Would you tell Sir Frank? - Yes, of course. 56 00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:38,130 I shall seek an audience with him at once. Thank you. 57 00:04:39,895 --> 00:04:44,286 Who does Frank think he is? At least Old Humpy knows his place. 58 00:04:45,455 --> 00:04:50,734 It was very loyal of him to tell me the truth. They usually all stick together, don't they? 59 00:04:50,935 --> 00:04:56,532 He's rather anxious because of your threat to make Sir Frank head of the home Civil Service. 60 00:04:56,735 --> 00:05:00,728 Of course. I wonder if I should do something about that. 61 00:05:00,895 --> 00:05:05,571 Or if there isn't something to be gained out of keeping them both in suspense. 62 00:05:05,775 --> 00:05:09,609 You gain an anxious Cabinet Secretary. Is that what you want? 63 00:05:10,695 --> 00:05:12,492 Hmm... 64 00:05:13,895 --> 00:05:16,284 He wasn't just unhappy about the cuts, Frank. 65 00:05:16,455 --> 00:05:20,767 He was very unhappy about your papers arriving at such short notice. 66 00:05:20,975 --> 00:05:24,570 I hope you explained it was because of America's policy change. 67 00:05:24,735 --> 00:05:27,727 My dear Frank, I defended you gallantly, 68 00:05:29,255 --> 00:05:32,725 leaving the Prime Minister in no doubt as to the real cause. 69 00:05:32,935 --> 00:05:35,529 Oh, good. Thanks. 70 00:05:36,935 --> 00:05:39,324 - I'll need his goodwill. - Why? 71 00:05:39,535 --> 00:05:43,926 We shall obviously have to bring in some form of pay restraint. 72 00:05:44,095 --> 00:05:48,691 The problem is, the MPs are being denied their pay rise 73 00:05:48,855 --> 00:05:52,689 just as we bring forward the proposed Civil Service pay rise. 74 00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:55,284 - Ah. That's an awkward one. - Yes. 75 00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:59,892 - One isn't interested for oneself... - Of course not. 76 00:06:00,095 --> 00:06:04,486 But one does owe it to one's junior colleagues. Ironic, isn't it, Frank? 77 00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:09,649 Trying to help them involves raising our own salaries, which we don't care about at all. 78 00:06:10,695 --> 00:06:14,449 And then we get accused of feathering our own nests! 79 00:06:14,655 --> 00:06:17,294 That's just another cross we have to bear. 80 00:06:17,495 --> 00:06:20,055 Yes. Envy, pure envy. 81 00:06:21,295 --> 00:06:25,766 You'd better get that proposal in fast before the pay restraint begins. 82 00:06:25,975 --> 00:06:28,364 The night before next Thursday's Cabinet. 83 00:06:28,535 --> 00:06:32,528 We can't let Ministers spend two days talking about it. 84 00:06:32,695 --> 00:06:35,289 They'll come up with stupid objections! 85 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:38,134 And try to delay it until the pay restraint. 86 00:06:38,335 --> 00:06:42,328 Mm. Do you think it's all right to bounce the Cabinet two weeks running? 87 00:06:42,495 --> 00:06:46,488 - No alternative. - I-I-I was thinking, Humphrey. 88 00:06:47,495 --> 00:06:52,523 Perhaps it would be better if the proposal came from both of us. 89 00:06:52,695 --> 00:06:57,405 - Both of us? - Well, we are joint heads of the Civil Service. 90 00:06:57,615 --> 00:07:00,527 Not as I understand it, Frank. 91 00:07:00,735 --> 00:07:04,774 - Oh, I think so, effectively. - I think not, effectively. 92 00:07:04,975 --> 00:07:09,048 I look after the financial side and you the establishment side. 93 00:07:09,255 --> 00:07:14,773 But, Frank, with respect, the Cabinet Secretary is the de jure head of the Civil Service. 94 00:07:14,975 --> 00:07:19,765 With respect, Humphrey, the Cabinet Secretary and the Permanent Secretary to the Treasury 95 00:07:19,935 --> 00:07:22,495 are de facto joint heads of the Civil Service. 96 00:07:22,695 --> 00:07:27,291 Be that as it may, Frank, we can't put up the proposal together. 97 00:07:27,455 --> 00:07:29,844 I must remain aloof and judicial. 98 00:07:30,015 --> 00:07:35,408 You must make the running. After weighty consideration, I will come down on your side. 99 00:07:37,535 --> 00:07:40,174 All right. One other point... 100 00:07:40,375 --> 00:07:43,811 We don't want Cabinet to adjudicate on this. 101 00:07:44,015 --> 00:07:48,213 - They must refer it to an impartial committee. - Who should chair it? 102 00:07:48,375 --> 00:07:52,163 - What about Professor Welsh? - That silly old buffer?! 103 00:07:52,375 --> 00:07:54,684 - That silly old buffer. - Why? 104 00:07:54,895 --> 00:07:59,889 He's asked me to put him forward as the next chairman of the University Grants Committee. 105 00:08:00,055 --> 00:08:04,651 He's desperate for the job, so he'll understand what's required of him. 106 00:08:04,855 --> 00:08:07,653 What an excellent choice. 107 00:08:07,815 --> 00:08:10,204 Humphrey, I'm astonished. 108 00:08:10,375 --> 00:08:15,165 The Treasury has just cancelled half our spending plans due to the financial crisis 109 00:08:15,335 --> 00:08:20,773 and now they have the temerity to put forward a plan for a Civil Service pay rise! 110 00:08:20,975 --> 00:08:23,364 And you're bouncing it through Cabinet! 111 00:08:23,535 --> 00:08:28,973 I wanted all papers circulated 48 hours in advance. Do you think I'm a complete idiot? 112 00:08:32,295 --> 00:08:35,367 It is not for me to speak for Sir Frank. 113 00:08:35,575 --> 00:08:40,046 I'm asking you. Speak for yourself. You're head of the Civil Service. 114 00:08:40,255 --> 00:08:44,965 - Am I indeed? How gratifying! - For the moment. 115 00:08:45,175 --> 00:08:49,566 As Cabinet Secretary, I am most eager to reduce public spending, 116 00:08:49,735 --> 00:08:54,729 but as head of the Civil Service I'm responsible for the real dangers that arise administratively 117 00:08:54,895 --> 00:09:00,686 if a pay rise does not come through very soon. It's so difficult for me. I'm wearing two hats. 118 00:09:00,895 --> 00:09:03,363 Yes, isn't that rather awkward for you? 119 00:09:04,215 --> 00:09:06,809 Not if one is in two minds. 120 00:09:07,015 --> 00:09:09,290 Or has two faces. 121 00:09:13,575 --> 00:09:15,964 Perhaps I should relieve you of one of them? 122 00:09:16,175 --> 00:09:20,054 - Oh, no, no, no. I'm perfectly happy with both. - Faces? 123 00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:22,371 Hats! 124 00:09:22,575 --> 00:09:27,968 You see, Prime Minister, the problem is that low morale will lead to the danger of a strike. 125 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:32,128 Think of the effect of that on the social services. 126 00:09:32,295 --> 00:09:36,083 And we are already experiencing difficulties in recruitment. 127 00:09:36,295 --> 00:09:40,971 - 10 applicants for every vacancy? - Yes, but the applicants are very low quality. 128 00:09:41,135 --> 00:09:46,528 With very few First Class degrees. Most of them...have Lower Seconds. 129 00:09:47,775 --> 00:09:49,970 I got a Third. 130 00:09:51,335 --> 00:09:55,726 That's all right for Prime Ministers. Sir Humphrey means civil servants. 131 00:09:55,935 --> 00:10:00,929 The point is, I couldn't get this through. There's already a backbench revolt looming. 132 00:10:01,095 --> 00:10:05,930 MPs will never agree to a pay rise for civil servants. And the Cabinet will be hostile. 133 00:10:06,135 --> 00:10:11,084 May I suggest that we just ask the Cabinet merely to agree to look at the application? 134 00:10:11,255 --> 00:10:15,646 Then we'll put the matter before an independent group of assessors. 135 00:10:15,855 --> 00:10:20,849 - Who would lead these assessors? - There's a very good man I could recommend. 136 00:10:21,015 --> 00:10:24,724 Professor Welsh. Very sound, very sensible, very careful. 137 00:10:24,935 --> 00:10:27,324 I heard he was a silly old buffer. 138 00:10:27,535 --> 00:10:31,528 I can't imagine who could possibly say such a thing! 139 00:10:33,335 --> 00:10:36,486 Since the most senior grades of the service really bear the heat of the battle, 140 00:10:36,655 --> 00:10:39,249 they should receive the greatest increase. 141 00:10:39,415 --> 00:10:41,804 Seems very fair to me. 142 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,763 - So this would be the scale. - Right. 143 00:10:45,975 --> 00:10:49,934 - I haven't seen this, by the way. - Of course not. Most improper. 144 00:10:50,135 --> 00:10:55,732 Quite. Well, they're very significant increases for Under Secretaries, 145 00:10:55,895 --> 00:10:58,284 Deputy Secretaries and, um, 146 00:10:59,295 --> 00:11:01,855 those of us who, um... 147 00:11:02,055 --> 00:11:03,852 Exactly. 148 00:11:04,015 --> 00:11:06,404 About 43%. 149 00:11:07,295 --> 00:11:11,083 - Alas. - But no more than we've earned. 150 00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:13,689 I take it this paper is not for submission. 151 00:11:13,895 --> 00:11:18,286 My dear Humphrey, those are the submission papers. 152 00:11:20,695 --> 00:11:23,084 Oh, yes. 153 00:11:24,295 --> 00:11:28,527 - It only goes up to Appendix K. - Sorry. Six more to follow. 154 00:11:28,735 --> 00:11:32,125 Oh! No danger of their wading through all those. 155 00:11:32,295 --> 00:11:35,526 Where's the one-page summary for the Cabinet? 156 00:11:35,735 --> 00:11:38,124 The Janet and John bit? 157 00:11:38,335 --> 00:11:40,724 Here it is. 158 00:11:40,895 --> 00:11:45,685 It's more or less the same as last time. Comparable jobs in industry. 159 00:11:45,855 --> 00:11:50,975 - On whose salary are the comparisons based? - The directors of BP and IBM, naturally. 160 00:11:51,175 --> 00:11:56,408 You don't think that might be challenged as untypical and above average? 161 00:11:56,615 --> 00:12:01,609 No. Of course, we don't mention them by name. Just ''typical industrial firms''. 162 00:12:01,775 --> 00:12:06,530 Then we take our own examples of increases from the lowest point of the incremental scale. 163 00:12:06,735 --> 00:12:11,934 - As before. - Principal examples are there at the end. 164 00:12:12,095 --> 00:12:16,691 £3.50 a week for a messenger. £4.20 for a registry clerk. 165 00:12:16,855 --> 00:12:19,847 £8.20 for a scientific officer. Hardly anything. 166 00:12:20,015 --> 00:12:23,405 So it would be £26,000 a year extra for us? 167 00:12:26,535 --> 00:12:29,333 More or less. 168 00:12:29,495 --> 00:12:33,204 - You haven't mentioned that, I hope. - My dear Humphrey... 169 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:39,289 Frank, you don't think there's a danger that someone might go into this in detail? 170 00:12:39,455 --> 00:12:44,449 - Not that there's anything wrong with it. - But who? Ministers are only briefed by us. 171 00:12:44,615 --> 00:12:47,175 We're all loyal members of the service. 172 00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:51,971 Yes. I'll get it in last item before lunch on the Cabinet's agenda. 173 00:12:52,135 --> 00:12:56,048 - They won't spend more than 5 minutes on it. - Plain sailing. 174 00:12:56,255 --> 00:13:00,248 Apart from the rigorous scrutiny of Professor Welsh. 175 00:13:02,855 --> 00:13:05,608 Your Chief Political Advisor is on the phone. 176 00:13:05,815 --> 00:13:08,693 Thank you. Put her through. ..Dorothy? 177 00:13:08,895 --> 00:13:15,164 I'm doing a paper on this Civil Service pay claim, but I can give an immediate response. 178 00:13:15,375 --> 00:13:19,129 - Yes, please. What's your answer? - It's a series of questions. 179 00:13:19,335 --> 00:13:21,929 - For me? - For Sir Humphrey. 180 00:13:22,095 --> 00:13:26,930 The claim is self-serving and inappropriate, and significant for what it leaves unanswered. 181 00:13:27,135 --> 00:13:31,925 - Right. Fire away. - You should treat this as highly confidential. 182 00:13:32,095 --> 00:13:34,734 First of all, you should ask what deduction... 183 00:13:36,695 --> 00:13:39,084 Yes... 184 00:13:44,335 --> 00:13:46,326 Triffic! 185 00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:54,294 Oh, George, that's for you, I think. All right for me to go in, Bernard? 186 00:13:54,455 --> 00:13:58,846 Uh, yes. Sir Humphrey, can I just mention one thing? 187 00:13:59,015 --> 00:14:01,404 Yes, Bernard? 188 00:14:01,575 --> 00:14:06,046 - There has been movement. - On what subject? 189 00:14:06,255 --> 00:14:09,850 On a subject we hoped for no movement. 190 00:14:10,055 --> 00:14:14,765 The Civil Service generally hopes there will be no movement on any subject! 191 00:14:14,975 --> 00:14:19,969 Uh, yes, what I mean is it's in relation to a subject that is normally wholly and exclusively 192 00:14:20,135 --> 00:14:24,287 within the control of the Civil Service that developments have developed. 193 00:14:24,495 --> 00:14:27,293 - You're speaking in riddles! - Oh, thank you. 194 00:14:27,495 --> 00:14:31,807 That was NOT a compliment, Bernard! Make yourself clear, please. 195 00:14:32,015 --> 00:14:34,404 I'm sorry, Sir Humphrey, my lips are sealed. 196 00:14:34,575 --> 00:14:39,365 I am referring to minutes that I was duty bound to make of a confidential conversation 197 00:14:39,535 --> 00:14:41,844 between the Prime Minister and an advisor. 198 00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:45,092 - Which advisor? - I cannot divulge her name. 199 00:14:45,295 --> 00:14:51,291 Thank you, Bernard. And this confidential advice was to do with the financial crisis? 200 00:14:51,495 --> 00:14:55,204 - No, much more important. - Not his silly nuclear strategy? 201 00:14:55,415 --> 00:15:00,330 - Much more important. - You don't mean the Civil Service pay claim?! 202 00:15:01,575 --> 00:15:03,964 I see. What do you advise, Bernard? 203 00:15:04,175 --> 00:15:09,169 I advise you consider your position carefully, perhaps adopting a more flexible posture, 204 00:15:09,335 --> 00:15:14,125 while keeping your ear to the ground, covering your retreat and watching your rear. 205 00:15:14,295 --> 00:15:17,048 Thank you, Bernard. You've been a great help. 206 00:15:17,255 --> 00:15:19,485 Actually, I haven't told you anything. 207 00:15:19,695 --> 00:15:24,689 - I should hope not. That's most improper. - Prime Minister, Sir Humphrey's here. 208 00:15:25,855 --> 00:15:27,811 Flexible. 209 00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:32,890 - Ah, Humphrey! Come in. - Thank you, Prime Minister. 210 00:15:33,055 --> 00:15:35,444 Tell me what you think of this. 211 00:15:39,215 --> 00:15:41,410 What do you make of it? 212 00:15:41,615 --> 00:15:46,405 - It is rather large for instant judgement. - Only read the one-page summary. 213 00:15:46,615 --> 00:15:50,085 - Ah. Oh, good. - Well? 214 00:15:50,295 --> 00:15:51,774 Well? 215 00:15:51,975 --> 00:15:56,366 Prime Minister, you place me in a very difficult position. 216 00:15:56,575 --> 00:16:02,491 Do I, Humphrey? You have to have loyalty to your colleagues, but also to Cabinet policies. 217 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:05,767 - I agree. - You agree? 218 00:16:05,975 --> 00:16:07,693 - Yes. - With me? 219 00:16:07,895 --> 00:16:12,525 - I agree with you. - I...ah... I don't... Who do you agree with? 220 00:16:12,735 --> 00:16:15,727 - With you. - Not with Sir Frank? 221 00:16:15,895 --> 00:16:18,409 - No. - You're not arguing with me? 222 00:16:18,615 --> 00:16:20,412 No. 223 00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:23,804 Perhaps I haven't made myself quite clear. 224 00:16:23,975 --> 00:16:26,409 I agree with you! 225 00:16:27,815 --> 00:16:30,204 Well, what do you make of that pay claim? 226 00:16:30,415 --> 00:16:32,804 Well, it's not excessive in itself, 227 00:16:32,975 --> 00:16:37,969 but at a time of national stringency it is neither wise nor in the national interest. 228 00:16:38,135 --> 00:16:40,729 I don't like to criticise my colleague, but... 229 00:16:40,895 --> 00:16:45,685 In my view, Sir Frank, though no doubt acting from the best of motives, 230 00:16:45,855 --> 00:16:50,849 should have placed the good of the nation before the narrower interests of civil servants. 231 00:16:51,015 --> 00:16:53,734 You see, this claim raises serious questions. 232 00:16:53,935 --> 00:16:58,645 That's interesting. I've made a note of some questions, too. 233 00:16:59,695 --> 00:17:03,051 Good questions. Where did they come from? 234 00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,644 - Oh, occurred to me. - Yes. 235 00:17:05,855 --> 00:17:08,369 They're...VERY good questions. 236 00:17:08,535 --> 00:17:11,811 Yes, that's what I thought. What should we do? 237 00:17:12,015 --> 00:17:14,609 - We should ask them. - Ask who? 238 00:17:14,815 --> 00:17:18,410 Sir Frank. You ought to invite him here to discuss them. 239 00:17:18,575 --> 00:17:22,966 He may well know the answers. Indeed, he should know them. 240 00:17:23,135 --> 00:17:25,410 That's his job, after all. 241 00:17:25,615 --> 00:17:28,448 Yes. Thank you. Arrange that, Bernard. 242 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:31,004 I must say I appreciate your impartiality. 243 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:34,963 You'd gain quite a lot yourself if it were to go through. 244 00:17:35,175 --> 00:17:37,564 Well, I suppose so, Prime Minister, 245 00:17:37,735 --> 00:17:42,331 but I see the rewards of this job as the knowledge... 246 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:48,172 ..that we've been of service to the nation, not to ourselves. Don't you agree, Prime Minister? 247 00:17:49,175 --> 00:17:53,646 - I agree. Thank you, Humphrey. - Thank you, Prime Minister. 248 00:17:56,415 --> 00:18:00,328 - Humphrey's very fair-minded, isn't he? - Oh, yes, Prime Minister. 249 00:18:01,095 --> 00:18:06,453 If there were a conflict of interests, which side are the Civil Service really on? 250 00:18:06,655 --> 00:18:09,123 The winning side, Prime Minister. 251 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:22,091 Ah, thank you, Billy. It was very painful for me not to be able to support Frank's case. 252 00:18:22,255 --> 00:18:25,247 - Deeply distressing. - But he was going to lose. 253 00:18:25,415 --> 00:18:31,012 And that Wainwright female had suggested that they stop us handling our own pay claims 254 00:18:31,175 --> 00:18:33,814 and let a Select Committee decide on them! 255 00:18:34,015 --> 00:18:38,406 Appalling! Next thing you'd have is politicians removing civil servants 256 00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:42,693 on the grounds of incompetence! The thin end of the wedge. 257 00:18:42,895 --> 00:18:47,286 Arnold, I need your help. Clearly, Frank's claim is discredited, 258 00:18:47,455 --> 00:18:51,846 but I need to get us the pay rise to consolidate my position. 259 00:18:52,015 --> 00:18:54,131 What did you do? 260 00:18:54,335 --> 00:18:58,533 - You say Frank used the normal formula? - That's right. 261 00:18:58,695 --> 00:19:02,290 - And you need 43%. Hm. - Thereabouts. 262 00:19:02,455 --> 00:19:06,448 Well, since virtually all the relevant staff work in London, 263 00:19:06,615 --> 00:19:11,405 start with a big increase in the London allowance. Allowances count as expenses. 264 00:19:11,575 --> 00:19:16,330 - They don't show in the percentage calculation. - London allowance. 265 00:19:16,535 --> 00:19:21,131 Then introduce a special graduate allowance for those with Firsts and Upper Seconds. 266 00:19:21,295 --> 00:19:25,527 - To aid recruitment. - Oxford doesn't give Upper Seconds. 267 00:19:25,735 --> 00:19:30,126 A second at Oxford counts as an Upper Second, at least. 268 00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:35,289 Then you double the Outstanding Merit awards. I take it people still get them? 269 00:19:35,495 --> 00:19:37,531 Oh, yes. Everyone. 270 00:19:37,735 --> 00:19:41,011 They don't count as rises either. Getting there? 271 00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:45,731 - That gets us down to only about 18%. - Since last time? 272 00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:50,531 Then don't calculate from last time. Calculate from 1973, the high point. 273 00:19:50,695 --> 00:19:56,486 And don't just take it to this year. Take it up to two years' time, the end of the claim period. 274 00:19:56,655 --> 00:19:59,772 Correcting for inflation, that should do it. 275 00:19:59,975 --> 00:20:05,368 Excellent. The percentage increases will sound all right now, but that still leaves a problem. 276 00:20:05,535 --> 00:20:09,574 The overall Civil Service pay bill will still be too high. 277 00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:14,166 - Easy. Reduce the size of the Civil Service. - What?! 278 00:20:16,055 --> 00:20:22,164 If the service were smaller than last time, a comfortable rise for individuals looks smaller. 279 00:20:22,375 --> 00:20:25,333 Real reductions in the size of the service?! 280 00:20:25,495 --> 00:20:29,170 It would be the end of civilisation as we know it! 281 00:20:29,375 --> 00:20:33,766 No, my dear Humphrey. All you do is stop calling them civil servants. 282 00:20:33,935 --> 00:20:36,324 Take the museums, for instance. 283 00:20:36,495 --> 00:20:42,092 If you turn them into independent trusts, the staff stop being classified as civil servants. 284 00:20:42,255 --> 00:20:47,045 They're still the same people doing the same job and still paid by government grants, 285 00:20:47,215 --> 00:20:52,209 but as it's a grant it doesn't count in the pay statistics. Unless anyone inquires closely, 286 00:20:52,375 --> 00:20:55,173 it will look like a cutback. 287 00:20:55,335 --> 00:21:01,410 - Can we set up so many trusts in time? - You won't have to. It only has to be planned. 288 00:21:01,575 --> 00:21:04,169 If it doesn't happen, it won't be your fault. 289 00:21:04,335 --> 00:21:09,170 Meanwhile, you should be able to get the rise to work out at 6% overall. 290 00:21:09,375 --> 00:21:14,165 - Thank you, Arnold. That's a great help. - Always happy to oblige. 291 00:21:14,335 --> 00:21:17,327 Especially with the birthday honours coming up. 292 00:21:20,015 --> 00:21:22,404 Should I talk to Frank about this, too? 293 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:28,087 Em...oh, no, Arnold. Leave it to me. Frank's got a lot of problems coming up. 294 00:21:28,295 --> 00:21:33,244 - Really? He hasn't mentioned them. - Because he doesn't know about them yet. 295 00:21:35,175 --> 00:21:39,088 And Civil Service pay has fallen significantly behind comparable jobs in industry. 296 00:21:39,295 --> 00:21:41,490 What comparable jobs? 297 00:21:41,655 --> 00:21:46,285 Well, it's quite a complex formula, but it has been accepted for some time. 298 00:21:46,495 --> 00:21:51,285 I understand that a Permanent Secretary earns over £45,000 a year. 299 00:21:51,455 --> 00:21:56,483 Cabinet Secretary and Permanent Secretary to the Treasury earn in excess of £51,000. 300 00:21:56,695 --> 00:21:58,970 Um...maybe you're right. 301 00:21:59,175 --> 00:22:03,885 Don't you know how much you earn, Frank, or has it just slipped your memory? 302 00:22:04,095 --> 00:22:06,768 Yes, but if that's what industry is paying... 303 00:22:06,975 --> 00:22:10,968 - What do you think, Humphrey? - It's not for me to say. 304 00:22:11,135 --> 00:22:14,127 Sir Frank is in charge of Civil Service pay. 305 00:22:14,335 --> 00:22:17,930 - Prime Minister, may I ask a question? - Yes. 306 00:22:18,095 --> 00:22:21,007 What deduction do you make for job security? 307 00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:25,811 - I beg your pardon? - Top people in industry can get sacked. 308 00:22:25,975 --> 00:22:28,773 They can go bust, but your jobs are guaranteed. 309 00:22:28,975 --> 00:22:32,968 - There are swings and roundabouts. - What roundabouts? 310 00:22:33,135 --> 00:22:36,127 - Long hours. - Don't those happen in industry? 311 00:22:36,295 --> 00:22:39,173 Industrial leaders must stand by decisions. 312 00:22:39,375 --> 00:22:43,687 - So do civil servants. - Really? I thought ministers took decisions. 313 00:22:43,895 --> 00:22:48,889 - And the blame. That's the deal, isn't it? - Yes, ministers do take the decisions. 314 00:22:49,055 --> 00:22:52,206 Civil servants must decide how to carry it out. 315 00:22:52,415 --> 00:22:56,010 - Like a secretary laying out a letter. - Yes. 316 00:22:57,015 --> 00:22:59,973 No! Um... Sir Humphrey knows what I mean. 317 00:23:00,175 --> 00:23:04,532 It's up to you, Frank. You're in charge of Civil Service pay. 318 00:23:05,895 --> 00:23:09,012 What about the service element? 319 00:23:09,215 --> 00:23:11,683 Service element? What do you mean? 320 00:23:11,895 --> 00:23:13,692 Er... 321 00:23:17,295 --> 00:23:21,174 - The job has a strong element of service. - Absolutely. 322 00:23:21,375 --> 00:23:25,766 Rewarded by CBs and KCMGs and knighthoods...Sir Frank. 323 00:23:25,975 --> 00:23:28,011 To an extent. 324 00:23:28,215 --> 00:23:33,005 I wonder whether we shouldn't compare civil servants with directors of charities 325 00:23:33,175 --> 00:23:38,169 rather than industries. They get £17,000 a year on average, rather than £75,000. 326 00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:43,125 - That's an interesting proposal. - Oh, no, I don't think... We'd never recruit. 327 00:23:43,295 --> 00:23:47,208 Morale would plummet. I'm sure Sir Humphrey would agree. 328 00:23:47,415 --> 00:23:50,805 - Humphrey? - Well, it's my opinion that... 329 00:23:50,975 --> 00:23:53,569 ..Sir Frank is in charge of Civil Service pay. 330 00:23:53,735 --> 00:23:58,729 I do think the Prime Minister is entitled to an answer, Frank. 331 00:23:58,935 --> 00:24:05,010 - Then there are indexed pensions. - Oh, well, those were agreed a long time ago. 332 00:24:05,215 --> 00:24:09,208 - They're of considerable value. - Of value, yes, but modest. 333 00:24:09,375 --> 00:24:15,325 I have an estimate that it would cost £650,000 to buy back a Permanent Secretary's pension. 334 00:24:15,535 --> 00:24:17,810 - Absurd. - How do you value it? 335 00:24:18,015 --> 00:24:22,611 - Er, about £100,000. - In that case, I'll make you a deal, Frank. 336 00:24:22,775 --> 00:24:27,565 The government will buy back your pension and anyone else's who is willing to sell 337 00:24:27,735 --> 00:24:33,332 at your own valuation. We'll pay you £100,000 in cash for your pension rights. OK? 338 00:24:33,535 --> 00:24:39,326 I was talking out of my...off the top of my head. It could be...that is... 339 00:24:39,495 --> 00:24:41,770 I haven't calculated it myself. 340 00:24:41,975 --> 00:24:46,605 The figure of £650,000 comes from the Society of Insurance and Pension Actuaries. 341 00:24:46,815 --> 00:24:51,650 Yes, but when it was agreed I'm sure it was nothing like that. 342 00:24:51,855 --> 00:24:56,645 What about this for an idea? An indexed pension could be an alternative to honours. 343 00:24:56,815 --> 00:25:01,445 Every civil servant could choose to take his reward as honours or cash. 344 00:25:01,655 --> 00:25:03,964 - That's preposterous! - Why? 345 00:25:04,175 --> 00:25:08,134 - Yes, why? - Well, it, it, it, it, it... 346 00:25:08,295 --> 00:25:13,415 It would put us - put THEM - in an impossible position. Some already have honours. 347 00:25:13,615 --> 00:25:18,405 They could choose whether to renounce their honour or their pension indexing. 348 00:25:18,575 --> 00:25:23,569 What do you think, Sir Humphrey? Or will you be Mr Appleby? 349 00:25:24,695 --> 00:25:29,166 I'm sure that Sir Frank has gone into this very thoroughly. 350 00:25:29,375 --> 00:25:34,051 Not thoroughly enough. You'd stand to gain quite a lot personally. 351 00:25:34,255 --> 00:25:37,008 Prime Minister, that is not a consideration. 352 00:25:37,215 --> 00:25:41,094 You'd be happy to be personally excluded from this rise? 353 00:25:41,295 --> 00:25:44,287 I know the Cabinet Secretary would be. 354 00:25:44,455 --> 00:25:49,654 Well, of course, the question is... in essence...not as a precedent... 355 00:25:49,815 --> 00:25:52,409 ..thinking of the service as a whole... 356 00:25:52,575 --> 00:25:57,774 ..fr-fr-fr-from the long-term point of view... as a matter of principle... 357 00:25:59,695 --> 00:26:03,893 - Go on. - Well, of course... 358 00:26:04,055 --> 00:26:05,852 ..IF... 359 00:26:06,015 --> 00:26:09,007 ..if...the government did believe 360 00:26:09,175 --> 00:26:13,168 that senior people should be paid less than their subordinates, 361 00:26:13,335 --> 00:26:17,931 and if the principle were extended to Cabinet ministers and junior ministers. 362 00:26:18,135 --> 00:26:21,650 Anyway, Frank, thank you very much for coming in. 363 00:26:21,855 --> 00:26:24,653 Thank you, Prime Minister. 364 00:26:28,695 --> 00:26:34,088 - What do you make of that? A bit hard? - No. Most proper and penetrating questions. 365 00:26:34,255 --> 00:26:37,247 - What happens now? - I'd like a word in private. 366 00:26:37,415 --> 00:26:40,612 - I was just going. - Good. 367 00:26:40,815 --> 00:26:43,409 - Thank you very much indeed. - Dear lady. 368 00:26:43,575 --> 00:26:46,772 Not as dear as a Cabinet Secretary, Humphrey. 369 00:26:46,975 --> 00:26:53,289 This is so difficult for me. One does so hate to be disloyal to one's colleagues. 370 00:26:53,495 --> 00:26:56,487 Clearly you've never been a Cabinet minister! 371 00:26:56,655 --> 00:27:01,445 I'd felt all along, at a time of stringency, that the Treasury claim was too high. 372 00:27:01,615 --> 00:27:04,004 Not in the nation's interests. Very nice for us, 373 00:27:04,175 --> 00:27:09,169 but not something the Cabinet Secretary with his higher loyalty could recommend. 374 00:27:09,335 --> 00:27:14,728 It's why we don't let the Permanent Secretary to the Treasury be head of the Civil Service. 375 00:27:14,895 --> 00:27:19,491 So I've taken the liberty of drawing up a much more modest submission 376 00:27:19,655 --> 00:27:24,445 which is only 11% over two years with the top grades rising by only the average 377 00:27:24,615 --> 00:27:30,292 and the overall Civil Service pay bill going up by only 6% a year over the period. 378 00:27:30,495 --> 00:27:32,645 This looks much more reasonable. 379 00:27:32,855 --> 00:27:37,451 Yes. The lower grades will have to go through the normal procedures, 380 00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:41,927 but I suggest that the First Division claim should be processed with secrecy. 381 00:27:42,135 --> 00:27:45,525 - Secrecy? Why? - If there were widespread discussion, 382 00:27:45,735 --> 00:27:50,525 it might backfire. Some of our people might want to put in a much bigger claim. 383 00:27:50,695 --> 00:27:53,289 Much better to present a fait accompli. 384 00:27:53,455 --> 00:27:58,290 And may I advise against letting...advisors see it? 385 00:27:59,295 --> 00:28:02,367 Are you sure your colleagues would accept 6%? 386 00:28:02,575 --> 00:28:05,567 If I had your support and co-operation, yes. 387 00:28:05,775 --> 00:28:11,168 It's still got to get through Parliament. Backbenchers hate Civil Service pay rises. 388 00:28:11,375 --> 00:28:13,764 Oh! How interesting you should say that! 389 00:28:13,935 --> 00:28:18,326 I was just about to make a suggestion, a major reform. 390 00:28:18,495 --> 00:28:23,489 Well, if MPs' salaries were to be linked to a grade in the Civil Service, 391 00:28:23,655 --> 00:28:27,648 they wouldn't need to vote themselves pay rises all the time. 392 00:28:27,815 --> 00:28:30,807 If the Civil Service got one, they'd get one. 393 00:28:30,975 --> 00:28:33,773 And if MPs' pensions were index-linked, 394 00:28:33,935 --> 00:28:37,848 it would make them much less hostile to Civil Service pay claims. 395 00:28:38,055 --> 00:28:40,853 It certainly would. Excellent. 396 00:28:41,015 --> 00:28:44,007 - Thank you, Humphrey. - Prime Minister. 397 00:28:44,175 --> 00:28:46,530 What grade ought backbenchers be? 398 00:28:46,735 --> 00:28:50,728 - Senior Principals. - Isn't that rather low? 399 00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:53,204 Backbenchers are rather low. 400 00:28:53,415 --> 00:28:57,806 - And what grade for Cabinet ministers? - Under Secretaries. 401 00:28:57,975 --> 00:29:00,205 And the Prime Minister? 402 00:29:00,415 --> 00:29:04,408 Well, at the moment, you earn even less than I do. 403 00:29:04,575 --> 00:29:09,365 Why don't you grade yourself as a Permanent Secretary? 404 00:29:09,535 --> 00:29:13,847 - Thank you, Humphrey. - After all, this is a partnership. 405 00:29:14,055 --> 00:29:18,845 - Yes. A real partnership. - Yes, Prime Minister. 406 00:30:39,357 --> 00:30:44,351 I got some frightful pressure from the American ambassador at that drinkies do last night. 407 00:30:44,517 --> 00:30:47,907 - Ah. - They'd heard about my cancelling Trident. 408 00:30:48,077 --> 00:30:49,669 Ah. 409 00:30:49,837 --> 00:30:53,830 The American defence industries are big contributors to the President. 410 00:30:53,997 --> 00:30:58,707 - Ah. - He said we had a big problem in East Yemen. 411 00:30:58,877 --> 00:31:00,833 Ah? 412 00:31:01,037 --> 00:31:05,428 Stop saying ''ah'' like that, Bernard. I'm not your doctor. 413 00:31:06,757 --> 00:31:09,635 - I'm sorry. - What is this big problem? 414 00:31:09,837 --> 00:31:11,793 Ah... 415 00:31:11,997 --> 00:31:14,989 - Thank you, Bernard. - I'll try to find out. 416 00:31:15,157 --> 00:31:19,435 - He muttered about St George's Island. - St George's Island? 417 00:31:19,637 --> 00:31:24,586 - Yes. There IS a St George's Island? - Yes, it's in the Commonwealth. 418 00:31:24,797 --> 00:31:27,595 Ah, I see, yes. THAT St George's Island. 419 00:31:27,757 --> 00:31:33,275 - He's afraid Communists might try to grab it. - What did you say? 420 00:31:33,477 --> 00:31:36,469 - I'd ask the Foreign Office. - What did he say? 421 00:31:36,637 --> 00:31:40,346 The White House thinks the Foreign Office is full of pinkos. 422 00:31:40,557 --> 00:31:43,549 No, it's not. Well, not full. 423 00:31:43,717 --> 00:31:48,313 They don't want the Reds to get a strategic base like St George's Island. 424 00:31:48,477 --> 00:31:53,471 He spoke about putting tariffs on British exports to the USA and taxing US investment, 425 00:31:53,637 --> 00:31:55,787 causing a run on the pound. 426 00:31:55,997 --> 00:32:01,117 Can't you get the Foreign Secretary to sort it out? After all, they are on our side. 427 00:32:01,317 --> 00:32:03,512 - Who are? - The Americans. 428 00:32:03,717 --> 00:32:06,515 I thought you meant the Foreign Office. 429 00:32:07,517 --> 00:32:12,511 What's the Foreign Office worried about, Dick? The Foreign Secretary eats out of your hand. 430 00:32:12,677 --> 00:32:16,033 - Oh, yes. Completely house-trained. - So? 431 00:32:16,237 --> 00:32:21,948 The Prime Minister's the problem. He's starting to mistrust our advice. 432 00:32:22,157 --> 00:32:26,992 - He even questioned Foreign Office policy. - Surely not! 433 00:32:27,197 --> 00:32:30,826 There's even a danger the Cabinet may pursue its own foreign policy. 434 00:32:31,037 --> 00:32:35,155 But that's absurd. The country can't have two foreign policies! 435 00:32:35,357 --> 00:32:39,873 Quite. And the PM's getting far too keen on keeping the White House happy. 436 00:32:40,077 --> 00:32:42,671 Dear, oh, dear. So, how can I help? 437 00:32:42,877 --> 00:32:47,667 There are a couple of things coming up where he might need guiding. 438 00:32:47,837 --> 00:32:51,830 - One is St George's Island. - Ah. Oh, yes, yes, yes. 439 00:32:51,997 --> 00:32:54,955 Remind me, would you, Dick? 440 00:32:55,157 --> 00:33:01,756 As you know, it's one of the few islands in the Indian Ocean to stay in the Commonwealth. 441 00:33:01,957 --> 00:33:04,915 Oh, yes, that's right. It's quite democratic. 442 00:33:05,117 --> 00:33:07,506 Yes. Free elections and everything. 443 00:33:07,677 --> 00:33:13,388 But there's a group of Marxist guerrillas in the mountains. We hear they're planning a coup. 444 00:33:13,597 --> 00:33:16,395 Well, these things will happen. 445 00:33:16,557 --> 00:33:20,948 They're not thinking of starting it on their own. East Yemen is helping. 446 00:33:21,157 --> 00:33:26,550 - Isn't that a democracy? - People's Democratic Republic of East Yemen. 447 00:33:26,757 --> 00:33:29,351 Oh, I see. It's a Communist dictatorship. 448 00:33:29,517 --> 00:33:32,509 And the guerrillas are Soviet-backed? 449 00:33:32,717 --> 00:33:37,950 Yes, and Libyan-backed. Obviously, we in the Foreign Office are staying right out of it. 450 00:33:38,157 --> 00:33:40,034 Obviously. 451 00:33:40,237 --> 00:33:43,991 It would only upset a load of frontline African states. 452 00:33:44,197 --> 00:33:46,836 And we don't want to antagonise the Soviets. 453 00:33:47,037 --> 00:33:52,828 Quite. And we've just landed a huge contract to build a new St George's airport and harbour. 454 00:33:52,997 --> 00:33:55,750 If we back the wrong side, we may lose it. 455 00:33:55,957 --> 00:34:00,508 We don't mind which side wins, the democrats or the Marxists? 456 00:34:00,717 --> 00:34:03,106 Why should we? But you see the problem. 457 00:34:03,277 --> 00:34:08,067 If the PM gets into one of his ghastly patriotic Churchillian moods, he may intervene. 458 00:34:08,237 --> 00:34:11,627 All that pro-British, defending democracy nonsense. 459 00:34:11,837 --> 00:34:14,749 Oh, I know, I know. 460 00:34:14,957 --> 00:34:19,951 He must understand that once you start interfering in the internal squabbles of other countries, 461 00:34:20,117 --> 00:34:24,747 you're on a very slippery slope. Even the Foreign Secretary's grasped that. 462 00:34:25,797 --> 00:34:28,834 Really? So what was the other point? 463 00:34:29,037 --> 00:34:33,235 The Arabs have put down a motion at the United Nations condemning Israel. 464 00:34:33,397 --> 00:34:36,389 - Naturally, we'll vote on the Arab side. - Naturally. 465 00:34:36,557 --> 00:34:40,789 - But I gather the PM wants us to abstain. - Surely not! Why? 466 00:34:40,997 --> 00:34:46,788 Something about the PLO starting it this time, faults on both sides. Sentimental nonsense. 467 00:34:46,957 --> 00:34:49,391 Sucking up to the Americans, as always. 468 00:34:49,597 --> 00:34:54,387 Just help him to realise that, as far as foreign affairs are concerned, 469 00:34:54,557 --> 00:34:59,677 his job is to confine himself to the hospitality and ceremonial role. 470 00:34:59,877 --> 00:35:04,667 I'll do my best, but you know what happens when politicians get into Number 10. 471 00:35:04,837 --> 00:35:07,635 They want their place on the world stage. 472 00:35:07,837 --> 00:35:10,226 People on stages are called actors. 473 00:35:10,397 --> 00:35:15,915 All they're required to do is look plausible, stay sober and say the lines they're given. 474 00:35:16,117 --> 00:35:18,756 Some of them try to make up their own lines. 475 00:35:18,957 --> 00:35:21,596 They don't last long. 476 00:35:24,837 --> 00:35:27,749 The American ambassador had a word with me last night. 477 00:35:27,917 --> 00:35:30,954 - About what? - What do you know about St George's Island? 478 00:35:37,357 --> 00:35:39,666 What do YOU know about it? 479 00:35:39,877 --> 00:35:42,471 Well, you're the Foreign Secretary, not me! 480 00:35:44,157 --> 00:35:46,546 Is there any danger of a Communist takeover? 481 00:35:46,757 --> 00:35:49,749 - Well, did he say there was? - He hinted. 482 00:35:50,917 --> 00:35:56,071 No. No chance at all. No chance at all. The Foreign Office would have told me. 483 00:35:56,277 --> 00:36:01,988 - You're sure they always tell you everything? - Well, everything they think I should know. 484 00:36:02,197 --> 00:36:07,590 That's what I'm afraid of. The Americans are worried and we can't afford to upset them now. 485 00:36:07,797 --> 00:36:13,030 - I'm sure we've got everything under control. - Chamberlain thought Hitler was under control. 486 00:36:13,237 --> 00:36:17,150 - Ah, well, Chamberlain. - Eden thought Nasser was under control. 487 00:36:17,357 --> 00:36:22,147 - The F.O. doesn't know what it's doing? - No, they don't tell us what they're doing! 488 00:36:23,237 --> 00:36:26,991 Absurd. They give me a full answer to any questions I ask. 489 00:36:27,197 --> 00:36:29,995 - And the ones you don't ask? - Such as? 490 00:36:30,157 --> 00:36:34,992 - Such as about St George's Island. - Ah, well, I don't ask those. 491 00:36:35,197 --> 00:36:39,190 - Well, just ask them. For me. All right? - Yes, of course. 492 00:36:39,357 --> 00:36:44,954 But once you interfere in other countries' internal squabbles, you're on a very slippery slope. 493 00:36:45,117 --> 00:36:47,187 Anything else? 494 00:36:47,397 --> 00:36:52,471 Yes, I gather we're proposing to vote against Israel in the UN tonight. Why? 495 00:36:52,677 --> 00:36:56,272 - They bombed the PLO. - The PLO bombed Israel. 496 00:36:56,477 --> 00:36:59,833 - But the Israelis dropped more bombs! - The PLO started it! 497 00:37:00,037 --> 00:37:04,474 - No, they didn't. - It seems to me there are faults on both sides. 498 00:37:04,677 --> 00:37:09,592 - Not according to my advice. - America is worried. They want us to abstain. 499 00:37:09,797 --> 00:37:13,995 I don't think we could do that. The Foreign Office wouldn't wear it. 500 00:37:14,197 --> 00:37:17,985 Are they here to follow our instructions or are we to follow theirs? 501 00:37:18,197 --> 00:37:20,347 Now, don't be silly. 502 00:37:23,957 --> 00:37:26,346 Prime Minister, Sir Humphrey's here. 503 00:37:26,517 --> 00:37:29,111 - Prime Minister. - Humphrey, I'm worried. 504 00:37:29,277 --> 00:37:31,666 Oh, what about, Prime Minister? 505 00:37:33,357 --> 00:37:38,192 - About the Americans. - Well, we're all worried about the Americans. 506 00:37:38,397 --> 00:37:43,994 - Foreign affairs are a complicated business. - That's why we leave it to the Foreign Office. 507 00:37:44,197 --> 00:37:48,554 I've got to keep in with the Americans if I'm to cancel our defence order. 508 00:37:48,757 --> 00:37:53,626 - Ah. - I gather that they're worried about us. 509 00:37:53,837 --> 00:37:57,512 Of course they are, but I know how to keep in with them. 510 00:37:57,717 --> 00:38:00,629 - How? - Don't cancel the huge defence order. 511 00:38:00,837 --> 00:38:05,433 No, Humphrey, I'm determined on that, but we mustn't upset them in any other way. 512 00:38:05,597 --> 00:38:08,907 The ambassador mentioned St George's Island. 513 00:38:09,797 --> 00:38:13,995 - Oh, really? - What's going on in that part of the world? 514 00:38:15,077 --> 00:38:17,466 What part of the world? 515 00:38:17,677 --> 00:38:21,511 That part. The part where St George's Island is. 516 00:38:22,517 --> 00:38:24,712 What part is that? 517 00:38:24,917 --> 00:38:29,274 - I suggest you go and have a look at the map! - No, I do know, Prime Minister. 518 00:38:29,477 --> 00:38:32,787 Good. Then we both know. 519 00:38:34,757 --> 00:38:39,433 The White House is worried it might be taken over by Marxists. 520 00:38:40,757 --> 00:38:44,750 - It's not funny, Humphrey. - No, indeed. Rather touching, really. 521 00:38:44,917 --> 00:38:49,911 Prime Minister, once you start interfering in the internal squabbles of other countries, 522 00:38:50,077 --> 00:38:52,671 you're on a very slippery slope. 523 00:38:52,837 --> 00:38:57,194 - That's what the Foreign Secretary said. - Extraordinary. 524 00:38:57,397 --> 00:39:02,517 Then there's the U.N. vote on Israel tonight. The Americans want us to abstain. 525 00:39:02,717 --> 00:39:08,189 It's a question of maintaining our relationship with the Arabs. The power of Islam. 526 00:39:08,357 --> 00:39:10,746 Oil supplies. 527 00:39:10,957 --> 00:39:13,312 I'm talking about what's right and wrong. 528 00:39:13,517 --> 00:39:16,077 Well, don't let the Foreign Office hear you. 529 00:39:16,237 --> 00:39:21,630 If you insist on an even-handed approach, the Foreign Office might agree to abstaining, 530 00:39:21,797 --> 00:39:26,791 so long as you authorise our man there to make a powerful speech attacking Zionism. 531 00:39:26,997 --> 00:39:30,273 Surely we should promote peace, harmony, goodwill. 532 00:39:30,477 --> 00:39:32,866 Well, it would be most unusual. 533 00:39:33,037 --> 00:39:37,428 The U.N. is the accepted forum for the expression of international hatred. 534 00:39:37,637 --> 00:39:43,587 - And defending democracy on St George's? - Not if it harms us by upsetting our friends. 535 00:39:43,797 --> 00:39:46,834 Britain should not support law and justice? 536 00:39:47,037 --> 00:39:52,873 Of course we should. We just shouldn't let it affect our foreign policy, that's all. 537 00:39:53,077 --> 00:39:55,466 We must fight for the weak against the strong. 538 00:39:55,677 --> 00:39:59,795 Then send troops to Afghanistan to fight the Russians. 539 00:39:59,997 --> 00:40:02,557 The Russians are too strong. 540 00:40:04,957 --> 00:40:07,346 What was that about law and justice? 541 00:40:07,557 --> 00:40:11,948 I want assurances sent to the Prime Minister of St George's Island 542 00:40:12,117 --> 00:40:14,426 that Britain will stand by him. 543 00:40:14,637 --> 00:40:18,994 - Discuss this with the Foreign Secretary. - Thank you, Humphrey. 544 00:40:19,197 --> 00:40:23,588 - Thank you, Prime Minister. - You've been a great help (!) 545 00:40:24,757 --> 00:40:27,351 - Bernard? - Yes, Prime Minister? 546 00:40:27,517 --> 00:40:29,712 Where exactly is St George's Island? 547 00:40:29,917 --> 00:40:31,714 Um... 548 00:40:32,717 --> 00:40:37,233 - Shall we look at the globe? - Good idea. 549 00:40:41,957 --> 00:40:45,950 - Good afternoon, Luke. - Good afternoon, Prime Minister. 550 00:40:46,117 --> 00:40:48,312 Now, where is it? 551 00:40:50,357 --> 00:40:52,154 Eh... 552 00:40:52,317 --> 00:40:56,310 - It's here, in the Arabian Sea. - Near the Persian Gulf. 553 00:40:56,477 --> 00:41:01,073 The lifeline of the West. There's Afghanistan, now under Soviet control. 554 00:41:01,237 --> 00:41:03,626 Only 400 miles north of the Arabian Sea. 555 00:41:03,797 --> 00:41:07,790 - If the Soviets ever took Pakistan... - Which they wouldn't. 556 00:41:07,957 --> 00:41:12,951 If they did, they'd control the Persian Gulf, the Arabian Sea and the Indian Ocean. 557 00:41:13,117 --> 00:41:16,712 They've always wanted a ''warm water port''. 558 00:41:16,917 --> 00:41:21,911 They wouldn't invade Pakistan. The Americans have a fleet permanently stationed here. 559 00:41:22,077 --> 00:41:24,671 The Indian Ocean. 560 00:41:25,957 --> 00:41:30,348 Prime Minister, may I have a word about...home affairs? 561 00:41:30,517 --> 00:41:33,429 - Home affairs? - Yes. 562 00:41:33,637 --> 00:41:39,155 - We're discussing foreign affairs. - No, Prime Minister, it's rather urgent. 563 00:41:39,357 --> 00:41:43,145 - Are you all right, Bernard? - Yes, Prime Minister. Please. 564 00:41:43,317 --> 00:41:45,706 Very well. Excuse me, Luke. 565 00:41:48,757 --> 00:41:52,352 - What on earth's the matter? - I don't want to be disloyal, 566 00:41:52,517 --> 00:41:57,511 but it wasn't a good idea to continue that conversation in front of Luke. Security. 567 00:41:57,717 --> 00:42:03,030 He's your colleague, one of my private secretaries. What is MI6 up to...? 568 00:42:03,237 --> 00:42:07,435 - Not that sort of risk. He works for the F.O. - He works for me. 569 00:42:07,637 --> 00:42:12,836 Eh...yes, but he's not only your man from the Foreign Office, 570 00:42:12,997 --> 00:42:17,434 he's also their man in Number 10. He's a plant. 571 00:42:17,637 --> 00:42:19,753 Oh. Ah. 572 00:42:19,917 --> 00:42:21,714 Oh. 573 00:42:21,877 --> 00:42:25,074 - Do you understand? - Yes. No! 574 00:42:26,877 --> 00:42:31,075 - The F.O. is keeping something from me? - Yes. 575 00:42:31,237 --> 00:42:35,594 - What? - I don't know. They're keeping it from me, too. 576 00:42:35,797 --> 00:42:38,152 - Then how do you know? - I don't know. 577 00:42:38,317 --> 00:42:41,707 How do you know if you don't know?! 578 00:42:41,917 --> 00:42:46,911 I don't know specifically what, but I do know they always keep everything from everybody. 579 00:42:47,077 --> 00:42:49,637 - It's normal practice. - Who does know? 580 00:42:49,837 --> 00:42:52,226 May I just clarify the question? 581 00:42:52,397 --> 00:42:56,993 You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the F.O. know 582 00:42:57,157 --> 00:43:01,947 that they keep from you so you don't know and all we know is there is something we don't know 583 00:43:02,117 --> 00:43:07,669 and we want to know, but we don't know what because we don't know? Is that it? 584 00:43:08,357 --> 00:43:14,148 May I clarify? Who knows Foreign Office secrets apart from the Foreign Office? 585 00:43:14,357 --> 00:43:16,951 Oh, that's easy. Only the Kremlin. 586 00:43:20,157 --> 00:43:23,866 This bother about St George's Island is getting to be a bore. 587 00:43:24,077 --> 00:43:27,911 We made the real mistake giving them their independence. 588 00:43:28,117 --> 00:43:30,711 Wasn't that right? Wind of change and all? 589 00:43:30,877 --> 00:43:34,870 Yes, but not that way. We should have partitioned the island. 590 00:43:35,037 --> 00:43:38,916 Like we did in India, Cyprus and Palestine? And Ireland? 591 00:43:39,117 --> 00:43:44,145 Yes, that was our invariable practice with the colonies. It always worked. 592 00:43:45,357 --> 00:43:47,746 But didn't partition always lead to civil war? 593 00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:52,911 - As in India, Cyprus, Palestine and Ireland. - Yes, but it kept them busy. 594 00:43:53,077 --> 00:43:57,593 Instead of fighting other people, they fought each other. 595 00:43:57,797 --> 00:44:02,075 Yes, rather good. Saved us having a policy. Cheers. 596 00:44:03,077 --> 00:44:05,875 - Sir Humphrey? - Yes, Bernard? 597 00:44:06,037 --> 00:44:08,835 - Um, Sir Humphrey... - Yes, Bernard? 598 00:44:08,997 --> 00:44:11,386 - Could I have a word? - Yes, Bernard? 599 00:44:11,557 --> 00:44:13,946 - With both of you. - Yes. What about? 600 00:44:14,117 --> 00:44:16,108 - St George's. - What now? 601 00:44:16,317 --> 00:44:19,070 The PM seems to be completely in the dark. 602 00:44:19,277 --> 00:44:23,714 - Good. - Excellent. Anything else? 603 00:44:23,917 --> 00:44:26,590 I wonder, is there anything he doesn't know? 604 00:44:26,797 --> 00:44:29,186 I hardly know where to begin, Bernard. 605 00:44:31,077 --> 00:44:35,593 - No, I mean anything important. - He has the Foreign Secretary to tell him. 606 00:44:35,797 --> 00:44:40,188 - He seems to think HE doesn't know either. - I should hope not! 607 00:44:41,357 --> 00:44:46,715 - Are you implying that he ought to know? - Well, he IS the Prime Minister. 608 00:44:46,917 --> 00:44:52,071 Bernard, it's simply too dangerous to let politicians become involved with diplomacy. 609 00:44:52,277 --> 00:44:57,749 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving to Friday! 610 00:44:57,957 --> 00:45:02,951 There are 157 independent countries in the world. We've dealt with them for years. 611 00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:06,029 There's hardly an MP who knows anything. 612 00:45:06,197 --> 00:45:11,032 Show them a map of the world, most have a job finding the Isle of Wight. 613 00:45:11,237 --> 00:45:14,229 Surely politicians can't be that ignorant? 614 00:45:15,357 --> 00:45:17,746 Very well. Sit down, Bernard. 615 00:45:17,917 --> 00:45:20,909 - Where is the Upper Volta? - Em... 616 00:45:21,077 --> 00:45:24,069 - What's the capital of Chad? - Um... 617 00:45:24,237 --> 00:45:28,708 - What language do they speak in Mali? - Em... 618 00:45:28,917 --> 00:45:32,626 - Who's the president of Peru? - Um... 619 00:45:32,837 --> 00:45:35,431 What is the national religion of Cameroon? 620 00:45:36,637 --> 00:45:39,674 - Em... - Bernard? 621 00:45:39,877 --> 00:45:42,266 You should stand for Parliament. 622 00:45:43,677 --> 00:45:48,592 No, what I mean is if it's a democracy, shouldn't people sort of discuss things a bit? 623 00:45:48,797 --> 00:45:51,709 - Of course. Full discussion. - And have the facts? 624 00:45:51,917 --> 00:45:56,308 Of course not! They don't want them. Facts complicate things. 625 00:45:56,477 --> 00:46:01,870 All the press, the people and their leaders want to know is who are the goodies and baddies. 626 00:46:02,077 --> 00:46:07,356 The interests of Britain nearly always involve doing deals with people they think are baddies. 627 00:46:07,557 --> 00:46:10,435 And not helping the goodies occasionally. 628 00:46:10,637 --> 00:46:13,231 So we avoid discussion of foreign affairs. 629 00:46:13,397 --> 00:46:15,786 Or rather we keep it inside the Foreign Office 630 00:46:15,957 --> 00:46:21,589 then we produce one policy for the Foreign Secretary, which is our considered view. 631 00:46:21,797 --> 00:46:25,312 - No options? No alternatives? - None. 632 00:46:25,517 --> 00:46:29,795 - What if he's not satisfied? - If pressed, we look at it again. 633 00:46:29,997 --> 00:46:34,195 - And come up with a different view? - Of course not! The same view. 634 00:46:34,397 --> 00:46:37,389 - What if he demands options? - It's obvious. 635 00:46:37,557 --> 00:46:43,427 The F.O. present him with three options, two of which are, in fact, exactly the same. 636 00:46:43,637 --> 00:46:45,832 And the third is totally unacceptable. 637 00:46:46,037 --> 00:46:48,710 Like bombing Warsaw or invading France. 638 00:46:48,917 --> 00:46:53,707 We occasionally encourage the Foreign Secretary to produce his own policy, 639 00:46:53,877 --> 00:46:59,634 then we tell him it will inevitably lead to World War Three, perhaps within 48 hours. 640 00:46:59,837 --> 00:47:04,991 - I see. I'm sorry to appear stupid... - Oh, perish the thought, Bernard. 641 00:47:06,757 --> 00:47:11,956 In my experience, ministers are concerned about the effect of policy on domestic opinion. 642 00:47:12,117 --> 00:47:14,506 Our system doesn't seem to allow for that. 643 00:47:14,717 --> 00:47:19,427 Of course not. We take the global view. We ask what's best for the world. 644 00:47:19,637 --> 00:47:23,346 Most ministers would ask what will the ''Daily Mail'' say! 645 00:47:23,557 --> 00:47:29,746 We can't have foreign policy made by yobbos like Fleet Street editors or backbench MPs! 646 00:47:29,917 --> 00:47:32,909 - Or Cabinet ministers. - Or Cabinet ministers. 647 00:47:33,077 --> 00:47:37,070 We take the right decisions and let them sort out the politics. 648 00:47:37,237 --> 00:47:41,628 - (KNOCKING) - Yes? Yes, come in, Mrs Whitmore. 649 00:47:42,637 --> 00:47:46,596 - Thank you. - If the Foreign Secretary won't accept this...? 650 00:47:46,797 --> 00:47:49,391 It's a free country. He can always resign. 651 00:47:49,597 --> 00:47:54,273 How can you treat the PM like this? After all, St George's IS a democracy! 652 00:47:54,477 --> 00:47:56,468 Not for long. 653 00:47:56,637 --> 00:48:01,552 The East Yemen are preparing to invade in support of the Marxist guerrillas. 654 00:48:01,757 --> 00:48:03,952 - That's awful. - Yes and no. 655 00:48:04,117 --> 00:48:09,191 Moderately bad news for the government of St George's, but very good for the guerrillas. 656 00:48:09,397 --> 00:48:14,391 - What about the islanders? - Bernard, you're reacting like a politician. 657 00:48:14,597 --> 00:48:16,986 - What are we going to do to help them? - Nothing. 658 00:48:17,157 --> 00:48:22,789 - What if St George's appeals to us? - We'll give them every support, short of help. 659 00:48:22,997 --> 00:48:27,991 - What if the Prime Minister insists? - Then we follow the four-stage strategy. 660 00:48:28,157 --> 00:48:32,753 - What's that? - Standard F.O. response in a time of crisis. 661 00:48:32,917 --> 00:48:35,909 In stage one we say nothing is going to happen. 662 00:48:36,117 --> 00:48:39,427 Stage two, it may happen, but we should do nothing. 663 00:48:39,637 --> 00:48:44,472 Stage three, maybe we should do something, but there's nothing we CAN do. 664 00:48:44,677 --> 00:48:49,671 Stage four, maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now. 665 00:48:55,957 --> 00:48:58,346 Afternoon telegrams, Prime Minister. 666 00:48:59,837 --> 00:49:02,226 Thank you, Luke. 667 00:49:03,357 --> 00:49:07,953 - Where's Bernard? - I think he's with Sir Humphrey. 668 00:49:08,117 --> 00:49:11,996 - Troop movements in East Yemen? - It's not significant. 669 00:49:12,197 --> 00:49:15,075 The American ambassador mentioned it. 670 00:49:15,277 --> 00:49:17,871 Really? I'm surprised he'd heard of it. 671 00:49:18,037 --> 00:49:22,553 - What are they up to? - Just preparing a regular raid on West Yemen. 672 00:49:22,757 --> 00:49:25,749 - Nothing for us to worry about? - Nothing at all. 673 00:49:25,957 --> 00:49:29,347 He said something about St George's, too. 674 00:49:29,557 --> 00:49:32,230 Really? Educated man. 675 00:49:33,757 --> 00:49:36,032 For an American. 676 00:49:36,237 --> 00:49:41,265 - Is there a problem there? - No, no, no. Just the normal local squabbles. 677 00:49:41,477 --> 00:49:46,426 - He was worried about a Communist takeover. - Americans always are. 678 00:49:46,637 --> 00:49:49,231 Luke! Have you read this? 679 00:49:49,397 --> 00:49:53,675 - We voted against Israel in the U.N. last night! - Yes, Prime Minister. 680 00:49:53,877 --> 00:49:58,428 - But I gave express instructions to abstain. - I think not. 681 00:49:58,637 --> 00:50:02,596 I said I felt very strongly that we should not take sides. 682 00:50:02,797 --> 00:50:07,188 - The Foreign Secretary noted your feeling. - But did nothing about it! 683 00:50:07,357 --> 00:50:12,226 With respect, he did. He asked our U.N. ambassador if we should consider abstaining. 684 00:50:12,437 --> 00:50:14,428 - What did HE do? - He said no. 685 00:50:14,637 --> 00:50:18,994 You mean the Foreign Office can simply ignore the Prime Minister?! 686 00:50:19,197 --> 00:50:24,191 Certainly not, Prime Minister. They take full account of you when coming to their decision, 687 00:50:24,357 --> 00:50:29,147 but events move rapidly. There were important factors in our relationship with the Arabs 688 00:50:29,317 --> 00:50:34,266 that were not known to you when you took your view. We couldn't get through to you in time. 689 00:50:34,477 --> 00:50:37,275 I am on the phone, you know. 690 00:50:37,437 --> 00:50:40,907 It wasn't sufficiently important to wake you. 691 00:50:41,117 --> 00:50:44,029 It was! The White House will do its nut! 692 00:50:44,237 --> 00:50:49,550 You could be telephoned before every U.N. vote, but there are two or three a night. 693 00:50:49,757 --> 00:50:54,353 - What can I do to reverse this? - Nothing. That would be most embarrassing. 694 00:50:54,517 --> 00:50:56,985 Once stated, policy can't be retracted. 695 00:50:57,997 --> 00:51:03,025 - I'd like to talk to the Israeli ambassador. - I think not, Prime Minister. 696 00:51:04,237 --> 00:51:07,035 I want to talk to the Israeli ambassador. 697 00:51:07,237 --> 00:51:09,751 If I may say so, it would be rather unwise. 698 00:51:09,957 --> 00:51:15,315 Luke! Can you hear me? Watch my lips! I want to talk to the Israeli ambassador! 699 00:51:16,357 --> 00:51:18,746 Of course, Prime Minister, if that is your wish. 700 00:51:18,917 --> 00:51:22,956 I will contact the Foreign Secretary and then telephone... 701 00:51:23,157 --> 00:51:26,149 I don't want the Foreign Secretary! 702 00:51:26,357 --> 00:51:31,829 Prime Minister, it would be most improper to see him without the Foreign Secretary present. 703 00:51:32,037 --> 00:51:36,269 - Why? What do you think I want to talk about? - Presumably the vote at the U.N. 704 00:51:36,477 --> 00:51:40,072 - That would be most improper. - Oh. 705 00:51:40,277 --> 00:51:44,873 My daughter Lucy wishes to spend her next long vacation on a kibbutz. 706 00:51:45,037 --> 00:51:49,269 Or I should say, as she's at the University of Sussex, another kibbutz. 707 00:51:49,477 --> 00:51:53,072 - I see. - The ambassador and I were at the LSE. 708 00:51:53,237 --> 00:51:59,107 I thought I'd invite him to the flat tonight for a drink. 6 p.m. See to it, would you, Luke? 709 00:51:59,317 --> 00:52:03,310 - Yes, Prime Minister. - Thank you. 710 00:52:09,517 --> 00:52:14,307 - Don't be upset, Jim. It happens all the time. - I told them to abstain. 711 00:52:14,517 --> 00:52:19,307 It's well known that in the British Foreign Office an instruction from the Prime Minister 712 00:52:19,477 --> 00:52:24,267 becomes a request from the Foreign Secretary, a recommendation from the Minister of State 713 00:52:24,437 --> 00:52:28,555 and, finally, a suggestion to the ambassador. If it ever gets that far. 714 00:52:28,757 --> 00:52:31,146 Thank you. L'Chaim. 715 00:52:31,317 --> 00:52:33,114 Cheers. 716 00:52:33,277 --> 00:52:37,270 Well, Jim, what are you going to do about St George's? 717 00:52:37,437 --> 00:52:40,634 - You know about that? - Obviously. 718 00:52:40,797 --> 00:52:45,393 - Not a serious problem, is it? - Your information must be better than mine. 719 00:52:45,597 --> 00:52:48,157 Mine comes from the Foreign Office. 720 00:52:49,357 --> 00:52:51,552 Israeli Intelligence says 721 00:52:51,717 --> 00:52:55,915 that East Yemen are going to invade St George's Island in the next few days. 722 00:52:56,117 --> 00:52:57,914 What?! 723 00:52:58,077 --> 00:53:02,867 - So that's the connection. - Your Foreign Office agreed with East Yemen 724 00:53:03,037 --> 00:53:07,633 that they'll make strong diplomatic representations, but do nothing. 725 00:53:07,797 --> 00:53:12,507 - In return, you keep your airport contract. - There will be uproar! 726 00:53:12,717 --> 00:53:14,708 That's only the start. 727 00:53:14,877 --> 00:53:19,826 I happen to know that the Americans are going to support the present St George's government. 728 00:53:20,037 --> 00:53:24,110 - In the U.N...? - No, in battle. On St George's Island. 729 00:53:24,317 --> 00:53:27,673 An airborne division and the Seventh Fleet. 730 00:53:27,877 --> 00:53:30,437 Invading a Commonwealth country?! 731 00:53:30,597 --> 00:53:34,590 The Palace will hit the roof. And I'll look ridiculous. 732 00:53:34,757 --> 00:53:38,033 - Why didn't they tell me? - They don't trust you. 733 00:53:38,237 --> 00:53:43,709 - Because you trust the Foreign Office. - Oh, I see. What can I do about it? 734 00:53:43,917 --> 00:53:48,513 Jim, you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany 735 00:53:48,677 --> 00:53:51,066 that is not now needed for the NATO exercise. 736 00:53:51,277 --> 00:53:54,269 - How do you know? - I know. 737 00:53:54,957 --> 00:54:00,190 Now, if you were to send it to St George's Island, it would frighten off East Yemen. 738 00:54:00,397 --> 00:54:02,627 They'd never dare invade. 739 00:54:02,837 --> 00:54:07,194 Of course, it's not for the Israeli ambassador to advise the British Prime Minister. 740 00:54:07,397 --> 00:54:09,991 And he wouldn't take your advice anyway. 741 00:54:13,357 --> 00:54:17,748 Get me the Foreign Secretary and the Defence Secretary. 742 00:54:17,917 --> 00:54:22,707 I wonder why the Foreign Office didn't cover themselves. Maybe they did. 743 00:54:22,877 --> 00:54:27,667 They gave me several boxes tonight. I've been through them all except this one. 744 00:54:27,837 --> 00:54:30,431 I wonder if this could be it. 745 00:54:30,597 --> 00:54:33,589 ''Northern Indian Ocean Situation Report''. 746 00:54:34,597 --> 00:54:36,986 It's 138 pages. It must be it. 747 00:54:37,157 --> 00:54:39,546 (TELEPHONE RINGS) 748 00:54:39,717 --> 00:54:42,106 Hello? Yes, Ronnie. 749 00:54:42,277 --> 00:54:47,271 I want the president of St George's Island to invite Britain to send an airborne battalion 750 00:54:47,437 --> 00:54:49,826 on a goodwill visit. 751 00:54:49,997 --> 00:54:52,386 No, just a friendly gesture. Goodwill. 752 00:54:52,557 --> 00:54:55,549 Yes, at once, please. Thank you. 753 00:54:56,557 --> 00:55:01,551 He seemed to think that 800 paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a goodwill visit. 754 00:55:04,197 --> 00:55:07,269 No, it's just an awful lot of goodwill. 755 00:55:07,477 --> 00:55:09,866 (TELEPHONE RINGS) 756 00:55:10,037 --> 00:55:14,827 Oh, yes, Paul. You know you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany? 757 00:55:14,997 --> 00:55:17,386 Never mind how I know. 758 00:55:17,557 --> 00:55:22,551 Well, since it's not being used, I want them to fly straight off to St George's Island. 759 00:55:22,717 --> 00:55:25,515 Sort of between Africa and India. 760 00:55:27,157 --> 00:55:29,830 A goodwill visit. Just showing the flag. 761 00:55:30,837 --> 00:55:35,433 They have been invited. Yes. Leave in...six hours. 762 00:55:36,437 --> 00:55:39,031 Yes, an instant goodwill visit. 763 00:55:39,197 --> 00:55:41,586 Tell your press office to announce it at once. 764 00:55:41,757 --> 00:55:44,749 No, no, leave me out of it. A routine visit. 765 00:55:44,917 --> 00:55:47,715 All right - a routine surprise visit. 766 00:55:49,157 --> 00:55:53,548 Well, say they were invited earlier, but the NATO exercise got in the way. 767 00:55:53,717 --> 00:55:58,711 Now they're not needed, they're going. All right. Nobody knows it's not true. 768 00:55:58,877 --> 00:56:01,471 Press statements aren't delivered under oath. 769 00:56:03,357 --> 00:56:05,746 They'll be off at midnight. 770 00:56:07,277 --> 00:56:11,429 - There's an airborne battalion in the air. - Sounds like the right place for it! 771 00:56:13,757 --> 00:56:19,229 - I gather it's on its way to St George's. - Yes, it should land in two hours' time. 772 00:56:19,437 --> 00:56:24,033 - Isn't this all rather sudden? - I had a sudden friendly impulse. 773 00:56:24,197 --> 00:56:28,952 - I wanted to spread a little goodwill. - There's not much goodwill in the F.O. 774 00:56:29,157 --> 00:56:33,150 - Really? Why not? - It might be construed as provocative, 775 00:56:33,317 --> 00:56:38,755 sending a fully-armed airborne battalion like that into an explosive situation. 776 00:56:38,957 --> 00:56:43,553 - I thought there was no problem there. - Eh...well, yes, indeed. 777 00:56:43,717 --> 00:56:47,551 There is no problem, but it's explosive potentially. 778 00:56:47,757 --> 00:56:52,353 - Why? - Moving troops is always potentially explosive. 779 00:56:52,557 --> 00:56:56,948 We move them around Salisbury Plain. Is that potentially explosive? 780 00:56:57,157 --> 00:56:59,876 There are a lot of unexploded shells on... 781 00:57:01,077 --> 00:57:06,515 Thank you, Bernard. Do tell me why the Foreign Office is worried. I'm fascinated. 782 00:57:06,717 --> 00:57:11,347 - It's a sensitive part of the world. Unstable. - They always tell me how stable it is. 783 00:57:11,557 --> 00:57:14,435 Well, yes, indeed it is...very, 784 00:57:14,597 --> 00:57:18,192 but it's a sort of...unstable sort of stability. 785 00:57:19,917 --> 00:57:22,715 - Excuse me, Sir Humphrey. - Yes, Luke. 786 00:57:22,877 --> 00:57:27,871 - Foreign Office telegrams. - Thank you, Luke. Oh, gosh. Rather a lot. 787 00:57:28,037 --> 00:57:32,872 Yes, the somewhat unorthodox visit to St George's has stirred things up. 788 00:57:33,077 --> 00:57:37,070 Ah, I see East Yemen is moving its troops back to base. 789 00:57:37,277 --> 00:57:41,668 - Yes, Prime Minister. - Decided not to invade West Yemen? 790 00:57:41,877 --> 00:57:44,869 - So it seems. - Oh, this is nice. 791 00:57:45,037 --> 00:57:48,632 The Americans are delighted by our visit. That's good. 792 00:57:48,797 --> 00:57:51,550 Excellent, Prime Minister. 793 00:57:51,757 --> 00:57:56,512 - They're ready if we want reinforcements. - Reinforcements of what? 794 00:57:56,717 --> 00:57:59,675 Reinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey. 795 00:58:01,597 --> 00:58:06,432 May I inquire where the impulse for this little escapade came from? 796 00:58:06,637 --> 00:58:10,425 - Of course you may. It came from Luke. - Luke?! 797 00:58:10,597 --> 00:58:12,553 From me? 798 00:58:12,757 --> 00:58:17,626 It was you who put together that masterly Northern Indian Ocean Situation Report? 799 00:58:17,837 --> 00:58:20,226 Yes, but it argued for not doing anything. 800 00:58:20,437 --> 00:58:23,429 - Come off it, Luke. You can't fool me. - What?! 801 00:58:23,637 --> 00:58:26,151 I can read between the lines. 802 00:58:26,317 --> 00:58:30,310 Some politicians have a feeling for foreign affairs. 803 00:58:30,477 --> 00:58:33,913 I knew you meant St George's needed support. 804 00:58:34,117 --> 00:58:36,711 Oh, yes. Well, no, actually. 805 00:58:37,717 --> 00:58:40,356 Only in one paragraph on page 107. 806 00:58:40,557 --> 00:58:42,946 It was enough. I can take the hint. 807 00:58:43,117 --> 00:58:48,669 I'm giving you full credit. I told the Foreign Secretary it was your warning sparked it off. 808 00:58:48,877 --> 00:58:52,665 No, no, it wasn't! You haven't?! 809 00:58:52,877 --> 00:58:57,997 And I don't think I'm giving away any secrets when I say you are going to be rewarded. 810 00:58:58,197 --> 00:59:03,396 - Rewarded? - Ambassador at a very important embassy. 811 00:59:03,597 --> 00:59:06,111 - Which embassy? - Tel Aviv. 812 00:59:06,317 --> 00:59:10,868 Oh, my God! You can't send me to Israel. Think about my career. 813 00:59:11,077 --> 00:59:13,796 Don't be absurd. It's an honour. Promotion. 814 00:59:13,997 --> 00:59:17,512 They won't want me. I'm on the Arab side. 815 00:59:18,757 --> 00:59:22,466 - I thought you were on OUR side. - Of course, yes, but... 816 00:59:22,677 --> 00:59:28,149 We need somebody like you in Tel Aviv to explain why we always vote against them. 817 00:59:28,317 --> 00:59:31,115 Don't we, Humphrey? 818 00:59:31,277 --> 00:59:33,472 Yes, Prime Minister. 819 01:00:57,451 --> 01:01:03,321 (TV) Growing concern for Fiona McGregor, the nurse held in the Gulf state of Kumran 820 01:01:03,531 --> 01:01:05,920 for alleged possession of a bottle of whisky. 821 01:01:06,091 --> 01:01:10,926 Her sentence of 10 years' imprisonment and 40 lashes is awaiting confirmation. 822 01:01:11,131 --> 01:01:16,125 Today, her mother, accompanied by her MP, Stuart Gordon, and a group of sympathisers, 823 01:01:16,291 --> 01:01:21,081 took a petition to the Kumran embassy, but the Kumrani's refused to accept it. 824 01:01:21,251 --> 01:01:26,530 The Foreign Secretary described the incident as regrettable, but no action is planned. 825 01:01:26,731 --> 01:01:29,120 Turn it off, Bernard. 826 01:01:30,251 --> 01:01:33,960 This is very worrying. There's a lot of public sympathy. 827 01:01:34,171 --> 01:01:36,765 I'm sure the Foreign Secretary will advise you. 828 01:01:36,931 --> 01:01:41,925 - He advises me to do nothing. - I'm sure that's good advice. 829 01:01:42,131 --> 01:01:44,520 If we do nothing, we look heartless. And feeble. 830 01:01:44,691 --> 01:01:49,924 It doesn't do the government any good to look heartless and feeble simultaneously. Bernard? 831 01:01:50,131 --> 01:01:55,330 Perhaps you could arrange it so you only look heartless and feeble alternately. 832 01:01:55,531 --> 01:02:00,321 - Humphrey, we must do something. - The Kumranis are good friends of Britain. 833 01:02:00,491 --> 01:02:05,281 They placed a huge defence contract with us, they tell us about the Soviets in Iraq, 834 01:02:05,451 --> 01:02:09,683 they even sabotage OPEC agreements for us. We can't afford to upset them. 835 01:02:09,891 --> 01:02:14,681 I know, but a British national is facing a barbaric punishment for a trivial offence. 836 01:02:14,851 --> 01:02:19,129 The Foreign Office is there to protect British nationals. 837 01:02:19,331 --> 01:02:22,767 - To protect British interests. - It's not in her interest to be flogged. 838 01:02:22,971 --> 01:02:27,169 - It's not in ours to prevent it. - This could hurt the government very badly. 839 01:02:27,851 --> 01:02:34,006 Well, I understand that tomorrow the Foreign Secretary will deliver a strong note of protest. 840 01:02:34,211 --> 01:02:38,409 - Why can't he do it now? - We haven't got their agreement yet. 841 01:02:38,571 --> 01:02:43,770 We're seeing the ambassador privately now. Once they approve the wording, we hand it over. 842 01:02:43,931 --> 01:02:47,446 - Then we'll have done all we can. - Very heartless. 843 01:02:47,651 --> 01:02:50,040 It's safer to be heartless than mindless. 844 01:02:50,211 --> 01:02:54,090 History is the triumph of the heartless over the mindless. 845 01:02:54,291 --> 01:02:59,888 - The Cabinet will never agree to this policy. - The F.O. never expect that for their policies. 846 01:03:00,891 --> 01:03:03,689 That's why they never fully explain them. 847 01:03:03,851 --> 01:03:08,641 - Even to the Foreign Secretary? - Especially not to the Foreign Secretary. 848 01:03:08,811 --> 01:03:13,680 All that the Foreign Office requires is that the Cabinet agree to their decisions 849 01:03:13,851 --> 01:03:18,163 once they've been taken. Will that be all? I have a dinner engagement. 850 01:03:18,371 --> 01:03:23,161 - Yes, I suppose so. - It's time to get ready for the reception. 851 01:03:23,331 --> 01:03:26,721 - Oh, who's coming? - The synod of the Church of England. 852 01:03:26,891 --> 01:03:29,280 There's a vacancy in Bury St Edmunds. 853 01:03:29,451 --> 01:03:33,364 - They come here when a bishopric is vacant. - Why? 854 01:03:33,571 --> 01:03:37,723 To lobby. So you don't choose the wrong name. 855 01:03:37,931 --> 01:03:42,322 - How should I know which one to choose? - It's like any Civil Service option. 856 01:03:42,491 --> 01:03:44,880 It will be a conjuring trick. 857 01:03:45,051 --> 01:03:50,444 Take any card, you always end up with the card the magician forced you to take. 858 01:03:50,651 --> 01:03:54,405 - Suppose I don't take it? - You will. 859 01:03:54,611 --> 01:03:56,602 Who are these cards? 860 01:03:56,811 --> 01:04:00,929 With the Church, you usually get the choice of a knave or a queen. 861 01:04:05,451 --> 01:04:08,648 We do appreciate you dining at the college. 862 01:04:08,811 --> 01:04:12,804 Always a pleasure to dine with old friends. Thank you, Master. 863 01:04:12,971 --> 01:04:19,365 Humphrey, I'll be retiring in four or five years. Isn't that roughly when you retire? 864 01:04:19,571 --> 01:04:21,004 Yes. 865 01:04:21,211 --> 01:04:26,888 The Bursar and I think you could be just the chap to succeed me as Master of Ballie. 866 01:04:27,091 --> 01:04:28,843 Really? 867 01:04:29,051 --> 01:04:31,440 But there is one obstacle. The Dean. 868 01:04:31,611 --> 01:04:36,002 - Why is he an obstacle? - He says you're too clever by half. 869 01:04:36,171 --> 01:04:41,120 I should have thought that at Oxford to be called clever might be rather a compliment. 870 01:04:41,331 --> 01:04:44,926 - He also says you're smug. - Thank you, Bursar. 871 01:04:45,091 --> 01:04:49,881 Well, you've got a lot to be smug about. If I had £75,000 a year, 872 01:04:50,051 --> 01:04:52,849 a knighthood, an index-linked pension, 873 01:04:53,011 --> 01:04:57,801 and a bunch of politicians to take the blame for all my mistakes, I'd be pretty smug myself! 874 01:04:58,011 --> 01:05:02,721 The Dean is paranoid that we're intriguing in this matter behind his back. 875 01:05:02,931 --> 01:05:08,289 That is why we decided to...discuss it with you while he's away. 876 01:05:08,491 --> 01:05:10,049 Quite. 877 01:05:10,251 --> 01:05:15,041 The only way you'll become Master of Baillie is if we can dump the Dean. 878 01:05:15,211 --> 01:05:19,204 - But how? - It isn't easy. He's a lazy devil. 879 01:05:19,371 --> 01:05:21,965 He only has to do four hours' work a week. 880 01:05:22,131 --> 01:05:26,522 Give one lecture and a couple of tutorials and he's got tenure for life! 881 01:05:26,691 --> 01:05:29,728 Only two interests - cricket and steam engines. 882 01:05:29,931 --> 01:05:33,048 Never reads a new book, thinks a new thought. 883 01:05:33,251 --> 01:05:35,845 So being an Oxford don is the perfect job. 884 01:05:37,051 --> 01:05:40,441 So what would get him away from Baillie? 885 01:05:40,651 --> 01:05:43,165 - Only a bishopric. - A bishopric? 886 01:05:43,371 --> 01:05:48,286 We wondered about Bury St Edmunds. That's up for grabs, isn't it? 887 01:05:48,491 --> 01:05:52,689 Yes, a very agreeable diocese. It has a seat in the Lords. 888 01:05:52,891 --> 01:05:59,000 The Dean would like that. His third hobby is sucking up to the aristocracy. 889 01:05:59,211 --> 01:06:01,679 Naturally. Well, it's not up to me at all. 890 01:06:01,851 --> 01:06:05,764 - The Church wants to maintain the balance. - What balance? 891 01:06:05,971 --> 01:06:09,361 Between those who believe in God and those who don't. 892 01:06:09,571 --> 01:06:12,449 Is there anyone in the Church who doesn't? 893 01:06:12,651 --> 01:06:15,040 Oh, yes. Most of the bishops. 894 01:06:15,211 --> 01:06:20,888 But, in any case, Bury St Edmunds is all sewn up. Canon Stanford is getting the job. 895 01:06:21,091 --> 01:06:23,730 We thought the Prime Minister had to choose. 896 01:06:23,931 --> 01:06:26,729 But they gave an impossible second candidate. 897 01:06:26,891 --> 01:06:31,646 In any case, the Dean hasn't done enough public service to qualify. 898 01:06:31,851 --> 01:06:34,319 Are any other dioceses coming free? 899 01:06:34,531 --> 01:06:36,920 Well, it doesn't happen very often. 900 01:06:37,091 --> 01:06:41,687 The older appointees don't have to retire at 60. Bishops tend to have long lives. 901 01:06:41,851 --> 01:06:46,527 Apparently the Lord isn't all that keen for them to join Him. 902 01:06:47,731 --> 01:06:52,361 What sort of public service did you have in mind for the Dean? 903 01:06:52,571 --> 01:06:57,565 Well, why don't you get the bishop to send him to Kumran, 904 01:06:57,731 --> 01:07:01,121 to try to intercede on behalf of that nurse? 905 01:07:01,291 --> 01:07:05,682 The Arabs love him because he's an expert in Islamic studies. 906 01:07:05,851 --> 01:07:09,890 He'd love the Arabs. Either way, we can't lose. 907 01:07:10,091 --> 01:07:12,286 That's right. 908 01:07:12,451 --> 01:07:16,729 - If he fails, at least he's tried. - If he succeeds, he's a hero. 909 01:07:16,931 --> 01:07:20,970 And if he doesn't come back, he won't be missed. 910 01:07:21,171 --> 01:07:23,765 No, it's such an awful country. 911 01:07:23,931 --> 01:07:28,766 They cut people's hands off and women get stoned when they commit adultery. 912 01:07:28,971 --> 01:07:33,010 Unlike Britain where they commit adultery when they get stoned! 913 01:07:36,851 --> 01:07:40,844 He may even come back with a few parts missing! 914 01:07:42,451 --> 01:07:45,443 Look, no hands! 915 01:07:48,371 --> 01:07:52,080 Sorry to be so hesitant, Peter. I've never appointed a bishop before. 916 01:07:52,291 --> 01:07:56,489 Er, recommended the appointment to the sovereign, Prime Minister. 917 01:07:56,691 --> 01:08:00,320 Yes. Tell me about Canon Stanford. 918 01:08:00,531 --> 01:08:03,921 Well, Mike is very highly thought of. He's a modernist. 919 01:08:04,091 --> 01:08:06,685 - Modernist? - A theological term. 920 01:08:06,891 --> 01:08:11,885 It seems that he accepts that some events described in the Bible are not literally true. 921 01:08:12,051 --> 01:08:14,645 He sees them as metaphors, myths or legends. 922 01:08:14,811 --> 01:08:18,770 He's interested in their spiritual and philosophical truth. 923 01:08:18,971 --> 01:08:23,567 He doesn't believe the world was made in seven days and Eve came out of Adam's rib? 924 01:08:23,771 --> 01:08:28,049 - Precisely. - Sounds very sensible. Anything else? 925 01:08:28,251 --> 01:08:34,167 He went to Winchester and New College, Oxford, and his name is first on the list. 926 01:08:34,371 --> 01:08:37,761 - Sounds good. - And he has an eminently suitable wife. 927 01:08:37,931 --> 01:08:40,240 Devout, full of good works? 928 01:08:40,451 --> 01:08:45,127 No, I mean she's the daughter of the Earl of Chichester. 929 01:08:45,331 --> 01:08:48,687 I see. And what about the second? 930 01:08:49,651 --> 01:08:53,405 Well, second is Doctor Paul Harvey. 931 01:08:53,611 --> 01:08:55,363 And? 932 01:08:55,571 --> 01:08:58,961 - He's an admirable man. - But? 933 01:08:59,171 --> 01:09:01,969 It's your choice, of course, 934 01:09:02,131 --> 01:09:07,000 but there's a suspicion he tends towards disestablishmentarianism. 935 01:09:07,211 --> 01:09:09,008 Oh. 936 01:09:09,651 --> 01:09:11,448 What? 937 01:09:12,491 --> 01:09:17,087 The view that the Church of England shouldn't be part of the state. 938 01:09:17,251 --> 01:09:21,642 Some people feel it should be separate, like Methodists or Catholics. 939 01:09:21,811 --> 01:09:26,248 They think ordinary people feel the established church is a club for the ruling classes. 940 01:09:26,451 --> 01:09:29,170 Sounds a good man. 941 01:09:29,371 --> 01:09:33,364 Well, it's entirely up to you, of course, Prime Minister, 942 01:09:33,531 --> 01:09:38,525 but I suspect Her Majesty might be a little surprised if you asked her to appoint a man 943 01:09:38,691 --> 01:09:43,287 who'd make her break her coronation vows to defend the Church. 944 01:09:43,851 --> 01:09:49,687 - Why's he on the list, then? - Well, he's not quite a disestablishmentarian. 945 01:09:49,851 --> 01:09:52,843 But that's the way his mind seems to be moving. 946 01:09:53,051 --> 01:09:58,284 I see. So I'm being asked to choose Mike Stanford or Mike Stanford? 947 01:09:58,491 --> 01:10:02,166 The Commission is offering you the two names which emerged. 948 01:10:02,371 --> 01:10:07,923 - Was there an open election? - No. Bishops are in the apostolic succession. 949 01:10:08,131 --> 01:10:11,123 - What's that? - It's God's will. 950 01:10:11,291 --> 01:10:17,287 When Judas Iscariot blotted his copybook, he was replaced. They let the Holy Ghost decide. 951 01:10:18,211 --> 01:10:22,204 - How did he make his views known? - By drawing lots. 952 01:10:23,571 --> 01:10:26,369 Couldn't we let the Holy Ghost decide now? 953 01:10:26,571 --> 01:10:31,565 No one's confident the Holy Ghost would know what makes a good Church of England bishop. 954 01:10:31,731 --> 01:10:35,929 Sir Humphrey is due here now. Could we continue tomorrow? 955 01:10:36,091 --> 01:10:38,685 Not at all. Thank you, Prime Minister. 956 01:10:38,851 --> 01:10:44,448 Prime Minister, appointing Canon Stanford may be an own goal. May I get his career details? 957 01:10:44,611 --> 01:10:48,604 - Yes, please do. - And I'll send Sir Humphrey in. 958 01:10:52,651 --> 01:10:57,850 - Bernard. Prime Minister. - Ah, Humphrey. Sherry? 959 01:10:58,051 --> 01:11:00,246 Yes, thank you. 960 01:11:02,451 --> 01:11:05,249 What's a modernist in the Church of England? 961 01:11:05,411 --> 01:11:09,802 Ah, well, the word ''modernist'' is code for non-believer. 962 01:11:10,811 --> 01:11:13,803 - You mean an atheist? - No, no. 963 01:11:13,971 --> 01:11:17,964 An atheist couldn't continue to draw his stipend, 964 01:11:18,131 --> 01:11:22,727 so when they stop believing in God they call themselves modernists. 965 01:11:22,891 --> 01:11:26,520 How could the Church of England suggest an atheist as bishop? 966 01:11:26,731 --> 01:11:31,361 The Church of England is primarily a social organisation, not religious. 967 01:11:31,571 --> 01:11:35,564 - Is it? - Part of the rich social fabric of the country. 968 01:11:35,731 --> 01:11:40,725 Bishops need to be the sort of chaps who speak properly, know which knife and fork to use. 969 01:11:40,891 --> 01:11:43,485 The sort of people one can look up to. 970 01:11:43,691 --> 01:11:48,321 - So Canon Stanford's wife's eminently suitable? - Of course. Cheers. 971 01:11:48,491 --> 01:11:52,484 - Is there really no other candidate? - Well, not really. 972 01:11:52,651 --> 01:11:58,362 - There were better jobs available recently. - What's better than a bishop? A rook? 973 01:12:00,131 --> 01:12:02,326 Very droll. 974 01:12:03,331 --> 01:12:06,926 No, Dean of Windsor is a better job. Or Westminster. 975 01:12:07,091 --> 01:12:09,730 It enables one to be on better terms with the Royals. 976 01:12:10,691 --> 01:12:15,242 So being a bishop is just a matter of status? Dressing up in cassocks and gaiters. 977 01:12:15,451 --> 01:12:20,047 Yes, though gaiters are now only worn at significant religious events 978 01:12:20,211 --> 01:12:22,850 like the Royal garden party. 979 01:12:23,051 --> 01:12:26,441 - Why? - The Church is trying to be more relevant. 980 01:12:26,611 --> 01:12:30,001 - To God? - No, of course not. 981 01:12:30,171 --> 01:12:33,004 I meant relevant in sociological terms. 982 01:12:33,211 --> 01:12:39,047 So the ideal candidate in the Church's view is a cross between a socialite and a socialist? 983 01:12:39,251 --> 01:12:43,642 - Precisely. - May I give you Canon Stanford's details? 984 01:12:43,851 --> 01:12:47,844 - Please do. - He was chaplain to the Bishop of Sheffield. 985 01:12:48,011 --> 01:12:52,801 He moved on to be the diocesan advisor on ethnic communities and social responsibility. 986 01:12:52,971 --> 01:12:58,568 He organised conferences on inter-faith interface and between Christians and Marxists, 987 01:12:58,731 --> 01:13:02,804 and between Christians and the women of Greenham Common. 988 01:13:03,011 --> 01:13:08,005 He was chaplain at the University of Essex, vice-principal at a theological college 989 01:13:08,171 --> 01:13:13,199 and is now secretary to the Disarmament Committee of the Council of Churches. 990 01:13:13,411 --> 01:13:16,767 Has he ever been an ordinary vicar of a parish? 991 01:13:16,971 --> 01:13:21,999 Good heavens, no. Clergymen who want to be bishops try to avoid pastoral work. 992 01:13:22,211 --> 01:13:25,760 So you're saying he's a political troublemaker? 993 01:13:25,971 --> 01:13:31,364 No, but he could be a thorn in your side on strikes, public expenditure on welfare, 994 01:13:31,531 --> 01:13:34,125 inner cities, unemployment, defence. 995 01:13:34,291 --> 01:13:38,887 It's interesting that nowadays politicians want to talk about moral issues 996 01:13:39,051 --> 01:13:41,690 and bishops want to talk politics. 997 01:13:41,891 --> 01:13:45,600 And he'd speak with the authority of a bishop and from the Lords. 998 01:13:45,811 --> 01:13:48,200 He designed a new church in South London 999 01:13:48,371 --> 01:13:53,365 with places for dispensing orange juice, family planning and organising demos... 1000 01:13:53,531 --> 01:13:57,809 - But no place for Holy Communion. - Are you serious? 1001 01:13:58,011 --> 01:14:02,641 - Well, there was a dual-purpose hall. - And the Church approved this? 1002 01:14:02,851 --> 01:14:06,810 - Of course. The Church is run by theologians. - So? 1003 01:14:07,011 --> 01:14:12,039 Well, theology is a device for enabling agnostics to stay within the Church. 1004 01:14:12,251 --> 01:14:15,243 I don't want Stanford. What am I to do? 1005 01:14:15,451 --> 01:14:21,321 You could turn both candidates down, but that would be exceptional and not advised. 1006 01:14:21,531 --> 01:14:26,810 Even though one wants God out of the Church of England and the other wants the Queen out? 1007 01:14:27,011 --> 01:14:31,607 - The Queen is inseparable from the Church. - What about God? 1008 01:14:32,451 --> 01:14:35,761 I think he's what's called an optional extra. 1009 01:14:38,651 --> 01:14:42,849 Bernard's on his way up. Any more news about that nurse? 1010 01:14:43,011 --> 01:14:46,845 - No, not really. - Can't the Foreign Office do something? 1011 01:14:47,051 --> 01:14:51,841 The Foreign Office is there to explain why things can't be done. 1012 01:14:52,011 --> 01:14:54,400 This could damage us very badly. 1013 01:14:54,571 --> 01:14:58,928 All the Foreign Office does is shrug and say we mustn't upset the Kumranis. 1014 01:14:59,131 --> 01:15:02,203 - Must be ghastly for her. - Who? 1015 01:15:02,411 --> 01:15:04,447 Oh, that nurse. Yes. 1016 01:15:04,651 --> 01:15:09,247 - You don't care about her either. - Oh, Annie. 1017 01:15:09,411 --> 01:15:13,962 - You're only worried about your popularity. - That's not true. 1018 01:15:14,171 --> 01:15:16,731 Sorry, Prime Minister. It's rather important. 1019 01:15:16,891 --> 01:15:20,884 The Bishop of Banbury and the Church Missionary Society 1020 01:15:21,051 --> 01:15:25,203 are sending the Dean of Baillie College to Kumran on a mercy mission. 1021 01:15:25,411 --> 01:15:29,802 - An Oxford don? Why? - He's an expert on Islam. 1022 01:15:29,971 --> 01:15:32,724 It's a faith to faith meeting. 1023 01:15:32,931 --> 01:15:37,482 All right. Tell the Foreign Office I support their moves to support him. 1024 01:15:37,691 --> 01:15:40,285 No, the Foreign Office want you to stop it. 1025 01:15:40,451 --> 01:15:45,320 They say it's a futile gesture which will impair our relationship with a friendly country. 1026 01:15:45,531 --> 01:15:48,409 But I think it's a good idea. Don't you, Annie? 1027 01:15:48,611 --> 01:15:53,002 - You mean it might save the nurse? - Er, yes, that too. 1028 01:15:53,171 --> 01:15:55,162 Principally. All right, tell them to go ahead. 1029 01:15:56,131 --> 01:16:00,044 Oh, Lambeth Palace want to know if you've decided about Bury St Edmunds. 1030 01:16:00,211 --> 01:16:02,247 - All right, Bernard. Thank you. - Good night. 1031 01:16:02,411 --> 01:16:04,800 What's happening in Bury St Edmunds? 1032 01:16:05,011 --> 01:16:08,720 - I've got to choose a bishop. - That's ridiculous! 1033 01:16:08,931 --> 01:16:12,446 - Why? - You're not exactly religious. 1034 01:16:12,651 --> 01:16:16,200 I'm Prime Minister. Religion has nothing to do with it. 1035 01:16:16,411 --> 01:16:18,800 - To do with bishops?! - Not really. 1036 01:16:18,971 --> 01:16:21,769 They're just managers in fancy dress. 1037 01:16:23,051 --> 01:16:28,648 The Church of England has over 172,000 acres of land, thousands of tenants, 1038 01:16:28,811 --> 01:16:35,000 leaseholds, property and investments worth a total of £1.6 billion. 1039 01:16:35,171 --> 01:16:37,560 The ideal bishop is a corporate executive. 1040 01:16:37,731 --> 01:16:42,009 A sort of merchant banker, personnel manager and estate agent. 1041 01:16:42,211 --> 01:16:45,726 I'd prefer you to choose a man of God. 1042 01:16:45,931 --> 01:16:50,925 They offered me one of those, but he wants to turn the Church into a religious movement. 1043 01:16:51,931 --> 01:16:56,322 - They're trying to force a modernist on me. - Marxist or atheist? 1044 01:16:56,531 --> 01:16:59,329 Both. Doesn't matter about the atheist bit, 1045 01:16:59,491 --> 01:17:04,485 but being a Marxist could cause me a lot of trouble once he's in the House of Lords. 1046 01:17:04,691 --> 01:17:08,081 - Can't you turn him down? - It would look political. 1047 01:17:08,251 --> 01:17:12,324 - You said the Church IS political. - But it mustn't look it. 1048 01:17:12,531 --> 01:17:14,522 I see. 1049 01:17:14,691 --> 01:17:19,082 - Why not turn him down on religious grounds? - How do you mean? 1050 01:17:19,251 --> 01:17:22,209 - Does he believe in Heaven and Hell? - Of course not. 1051 01:17:22,411 --> 01:17:27,166 - The virgin birth? The resurrection? - No, nothing like that. 1052 01:17:27,371 --> 01:17:31,762 - Isn't that enough? - Annie, you're brilliant! 1053 01:17:31,931 --> 01:17:35,924 I'll reject both candidates and force them to submit another. 1054 01:17:36,091 --> 01:17:39,720 I really want a candidate who'll get on with everybody. 1055 01:17:39,931 --> 01:17:43,890 - Someone without strong views on anything? - Yes. 1056 01:17:44,091 --> 01:17:49,449 It might help if he were inclined towards Christianity. That wouldn't do any real harm. 1057 01:17:50,531 --> 01:17:53,329 So what you need is a sort of closet Christian. 1058 01:17:53,531 --> 01:17:56,329 Exactly. Thank you, darling. 1059 01:18:00,451 --> 01:18:05,969 The Six 0'Clock News from the BBC, with Sue Lawley and Nicholas Witchell. 1060 01:18:08,051 --> 01:18:12,647 Good evening. News is just coming in that after two weeks in Kumran 1061 01:18:12,811 --> 01:18:19,080 the Dean of Baillie College has succeeded in obtaining the release of Fiona McGregor, 1062 01:18:19,291 --> 01:18:22,761 the British nurse held there in prison. 1063 01:18:22,971 --> 01:18:27,965 She was awaiting a sentence of 40 lashes for possessing a bottle of whisky. 1064 01:18:28,131 --> 01:18:33,524 She and the Dean are expected back in England tomorrow. Now for the rest of the news. 1065 01:18:33,691 --> 01:18:36,080 The pound had another bad day... 1066 01:18:37,651 --> 01:18:41,007 So it's true. I can't believe it. 1067 01:18:41,211 --> 01:18:44,806 - It's a disaster. - Disaster! 1068 01:18:45,011 --> 01:18:48,048 Whose idea was it to send him to Kumran? 1069 01:18:48,251 --> 01:18:51,482 Eh, can't imagine. Bishop of Banbury perhaps? 1070 01:18:51,691 --> 01:18:56,401 - We had the situation under control. - Yes, of course you did. 1071 01:18:56,611 --> 01:19:02,800 We made our protest. The nurse would have been quietly flogged and stuffed in some jail. 1072 01:19:04,851 --> 01:19:08,605 Within a couple of weeks, the press would forget. 1073 01:19:08,811 --> 01:19:12,804 - Still, no real damage done. - There is to the Foreign Office. 1074 01:19:12,971 --> 01:19:17,761 We've almost got agreement to set up a signals listening post in Kumran. 1075 01:19:17,931 --> 01:19:22,800 We said we wouldn't make a fuss if they signed. We've lost our best bargaining counter. 1076 01:19:23,011 --> 01:19:27,084 You could find another nurse and plant some Scotch on her! 1077 01:19:27,291 --> 01:19:32,285 - I don't think we could do that. - No. No, it wouldn't be right. 1078 01:19:33,691 --> 01:19:36,080 No, it's too dangerous. 1079 01:19:37,251 --> 01:19:42,041 Still, at least it's got that nurse's ghastly mother off my back. 1080 01:19:42,211 --> 01:19:47,444 She's been writing and phoning and telling the press that we haven't been doing anything. 1081 01:19:47,651 --> 01:19:51,644 - Extraordinary. - And the press have taken her part. 1082 01:19:51,811 --> 01:19:55,565 - Going on about being more patriotic! - Extraordinary. 1083 01:19:55,771 --> 01:20:01,368 They've said a lot of unpleasant things, but we've never been accused of patriotism! 1084 01:20:02,651 --> 01:20:07,850 Sometimes I can't believe the newspapers' abject ignorance of diplomatic realities. 1085 01:20:08,011 --> 01:20:11,526 But we may have a problem with the PM now. 1086 01:20:11,731 --> 01:20:14,529 Because we advised him against this? 1087 01:20:14,691 --> 01:20:19,162 Because the Foreign Secretary said it was impossible to get her released! 1088 01:20:19,371 --> 01:20:24,650 And we were right! If we'd left it to the Foreign Office, it would have been impossible. 1089 01:20:24,851 --> 01:20:29,845 You see what will happen now? The press will say the Church succeeds where the F.O. fails. 1090 01:20:30,011 --> 01:20:34,607 They'll dig out all the old cuttings about ambassadors' Rolls Royces, 1091 01:20:34,771 --> 01:20:40,641 £4 million embassies, school fees at Eton paid for by the taxpayer and what does Britain get? 1092 01:20:40,851 --> 01:20:44,446 - Don't. I know what we'll do. - What? 1093 01:20:44,611 --> 01:20:49,924 We'll tell the press that it was the Prime Minister's initiative to send the Dean. 1094 01:20:50,131 --> 01:20:53,646 Good idea. The PM will enjoy taking the credit. 1095 01:20:54,851 --> 01:20:59,208 There's no danger the PM will deny it because it isn't true? 1096 01:20:59,411 --> 01:21:02,209 None at all. 1097 01:21:03,651 --> 01:21:09,647 And then for the Sundays we'll leak the idea that the Foreign Office suggested it to him 1098 01:21:09,811 --> 01:21:12,245 when the diplomatic channels were blocked. 1099 01:21:12,451 --> 01:21:17,241 Perfect. Nobody gets the blame and everybody gets the credit. 1100 01:21:17,411 --> 01:21:21,120 - Except the person who really thought it up. - I don't mind. 1101 01:21:24,691 --> 01:21:27,683 - Em... - (TELEPHONE RINGS) 1102 01:21:27,851 --> 01:21:31,844 I don't mind that he doesn't get the credit. Excuse me. 1103 01:21:32,011 --> 01:21:34,400 Hello? Oh, put him on. 1104 01:21:34,571 --> 01:21:36,368 Oh, hello, Master. 1105 01:21:37,331 --> 01:21:39,606 Have you seen the television news? Splendid! 1106 01:21:39,811 --> 01:21:43,360 - Yes, absolutely splendid. - This could help our friend, eh? 1107 01:21:43,571 --> 01:21:48,406 - Certainly could. - How long until a bishopric falls vacant? 1108 01:21:48,611 --> 01:21:51,205 Well, there's no time like the present. 1109 01:21:51,371 --> 01:21:56,968 I think the battle of Bury St Edmunds is not over yet. There have been developments. 1110 01:21:57,131 --> 01:22:00,726 - (TELEPHONE RINGS) - Excuse me. 1111 01:22:00,891 --> 01:22:04,361 Hello? Yes, ask him to come in. Thank you. 1112 01:22:06,051 --> 01:22:10,442 I think we can still get the Dean up to the starting gate. 1113 01:22:10,611 --> 01:22:13,205 As a late entry. Just leave it to me. 1114 01:22:13,371 --> 01:22:16,522 All right. Bye, Master. Bye-bye. 1115 01:22:16,731 --> 01:22:19,120 Ah, come in, Peter. 1116 01:22:19,291 --> 01:22:24,923 I understand there's a meeting of the Crown Appointments Commission in the morning? 1117 01:22:25,131 --> 01:22:29,124 Yes, they are aware that a further candidate is required 1118 01:22:29,291 --> 01:22:31,725 since the PM saw fit to break with tradition. 1119 01:22:31,931 --> 01:22:35,082 By insisting on a bishop who is a believer? 1120 01:22:35,291 --> 01:22:40,888 There is one possible candidate, Steven Soames, but we've saved him up for years. 1121 01:22:41,051 --> 01:22:43,611 - We'd rather offer him Truro. - Why? 1122 01:22:43,811 --> 01:22:47,804 Well, Truro is... How shall I put it? Very remote. 1123 01:22:47,971 --> 01:22:53,841 It is to the Church what the Vehicle Licensing Centre in Swansea is to the Civil Service. 1124 01:22:54,051 --> 01:22:55,723 Yes. 1125 01:22:55,931 --> 01:23:01,528 - Soames has been waiting for years. - Long time, no see. 1126 01:23:01,731 --> 01:23:04,120 Oh, very droll, Humphrey. 1127 01:23:05,251 --> 01:23:09,847 Yes, he is a bit of a nuisance. He keeps on about our duty to God. 1128 01:23:10,011 --> 01:23:14,801 We rather wanted him out of the way. ''Long time, no see''! 1129 01:23:14,971 --> 01:23:19,487 Yes, but if the PM wants a religious bishop, he's the only candidate. 1130 01:23:19,691 --> 01:23:22,285 He sounds fine, but there is one little snag. 1131 01:23:22,451 --> 01:23:26,444 - The PM wants you to put up two more names. - Two? 1132 01:23:26,651 --> 01:23:29,245 You must give the PM the feeling of a choice. 1133 01:23:29,411 --> 01:23:33,643 You need a second candidate who is plausible, but unacceptable. 1134 01:23:33,851 --> 01:23:39,448 - I can't think who and the meeting's so soon. - Why not the Dean of Baillie College? 1135 01:23:39,651 --> 01:23:44,566 - I agree he is impossible, but not plausible. - Why not? 1136 01:23:44,731 --> 01:23:50,283 He's a crank! He's unbelievably vain and hopelessly incompetent. 1137 01:23:50,491 --> 01:23:55,485 But the PM appoints people who are vain and incompetent - look at the Cabinet. 1138 01:23:57,651 --> 01:24:00,040 And the Dean's just had good publicity. 1139 01:24:00,251 --> 01:24:02,685 Isn't there a danger he'll get in? 1140 01:24:02,891 --> 01:24:07,681 Not the slightest. The PM has stated that he wants a devout Christian. 1141 01:24:07,851 --> 01:24:12,242 The Dean only believes in Islam, steam engines and the MCC. 1142 01:24:12,411 --> 01:24:17,121 In fact, some smart aleck once asked him on TV if he knew what the Bible was. 1143 01:24:17,331 --> 01:24:22,325 - And did he? - He said it's a Christian version of the Koran. 1144 01:24:24,851 --> 01:24:27,888 ''Jim's Dean saves Fiona from lash''! 1145 01:24:28,091 --> 01:24:30,480 - What about that? - Excellent. 1146 01:24:30,651 --> 01:24:35,247 - ''Prime Minister's envoy secures release''. - Excellent, Prime Minister. 1147 01:24:35,451 --> 01:24:38,921 - ''Angel of mercy was sent by PM''! - Excellent! 1148 01:24:39,131 --> 01:24:43,249 I was given full credit on the news. I suppose it was me. 1149 01:24:43,451 --> 01:24:45,601 It must have been. 1150 01:24:45,811 --> 01:24:50,680 After all, I stopped the Foreign Office from stopping him, which is the same thing. 1151 01:24:50,891 --> 01:24:56,807 - Too late to change it now. - I wonder why they gave me the credit, though. 1152 01:24:57,011 --> 01:25:01,721 Well, they couldn't take it themselves. This looks like a government achievement. 1153 01:25:01,931 --> 01:25:04,206 There's even a leader. 1154 01:25:04,371 --> 01:25:08,842 ''It does the PM great credit that he has not been bound by the shackles of diplomacy. 1155 01:25:09,811 --> 01:25:11,802 ''The Kumran aff...'' This IS important. 1156 01:25:11,971 --> 01:25:16,761 Yes, but the Palace is waiting for your recommendation for Bury St Edmunds. 1157 01:25:16,931 --> 01:25:19,286 The two names were in your box. 1158 01:25:19,491 --> 01:25:22,289 I thought Steven Soames sounded right. 1159 01:25:22,451 --> 01:25:27,161 The Dean of Baillie did a very good job, but I gather he's rather eccentric. 1160 01:25:27,371 --> 01:25:31,967 I'm sure that Soames is the choice the Commissioners are hoping you make. 1161 01:25:32,171 --> 01:25:35,368 Oh? Why? What's wrong with him? 1162 01:25:35,571 --> 01:25:38,563 Well, I have heard say that he's an extremist. 1163 01:25:38,771 --> 01:25:43,447 - You mean he believes in God? - He's very religious. 1164 01:25:43,651 --> 01:25:46,006 That's all right for a bishop, isn't it? 1165 01:25:46,211 --> 01:25:50,602 He tends to raise issues that governments would prefer not to be raised. 1166 01:25:50,771 --> 01:25:55,765 He's a trenchant critic of abortion, contraception, sex education, pornography, 1167 01:25:55,931 --> 01:25:59,207 Sunday trading, easy divorce and bad language on TV. 1168 01:25:59,411 --> 01:26:03,802 - Oh. - He'd be likely to challenge government policy. 1169 01:26:04,011 --> 01:26:08,801 But these are subjects on which the government is hoping to have no policy. 1170 01:26:09,851 --> 01:26:12,649 Our policy is not to have a policy. 1171 01:26:12,851 --> 01:26:17,083 Well, quite. He's against your no-policy policy. 1172 01:26:17,291 --> 01:26:21,125 He will demand that you ban abortion, Sunday trading... 1173 01:26:21,331 --> 01:26:23,640 Thank you. I get the picture. 1174 01:26:23,851 --> 01:26:27,605 - He's also against oppression in Africa. - So are we. 1175 01:26:27,811 --> 01:26:31,690 But he's against it from black AND white governments. 1176 01:26:31,891 --> 01:26:34,883 Oh. You mean he's a racist? 1177 01:26:36,251 --> 01:26:38,640 But you can choose him if you like. 1178 01:26:38,851 --> 01:26:41,684 I can't turn down another two names. 1179 01:26:42,891 --> 01:26:45,485 Well, there is always the Dean of Baillie. 1180 01:26:45,691 --> 01:26:51,687 He's not really up to it, is he? I gather he's lazy, vain and uninterested in Christianity. 1181 01:26:51,891 --> 01:26:54,280 But he's not AGAINST it! 1182 01:26:55,291 --> 01:26:59,887 I think he would make a thoroughly suitable British bishop. 1183 01:27:00,051 --> 01:27:04,329 Cricket, steam engines and a complete ignorance of theology. 1184 01:27:04,531 --> 01:27:08,240 He's never had an ordinary church job. He's been at Oxford. 1185 01:27:08,451 --> 01:27:11,170 - But he did well in Kumran. - Yes. 1186 01:27:11,371 --> 01:27:16,491 I gather he's thinking of telling the press that the Kumran visit wasn't your idea. 1187 01:27:17,651 --> 01:27:22,122 - What?! - He's thinking of telling the press... 1188 01:27:22,331 --> 01:27:26,404 Yes, yes, I heard what you said. He can't say that! 1189 01:27:26,611 --> 01:27:31,526 I gather he has a letter from the Bishop of Banbury dated before your involvement. 1190 01:27:31,731 --> 01:27:36,486 But that would be frightfully embarrassing! Taking credit for something I didn't do. 1191 01:27:36,691 --> 01:27:42,641 Yes, I can see the headlines now. ''PM takes credit for Dean's mercy mission''. 1192 01:27:42,851 --> 01:27:45,649 ''Jim didn't fix it!'' Sorry. 1193 01:27:46,531 --> 01:27:51,525 - He must be stopped! How can we stop him? - He feels he hasn't had enough recognition... 1194 01:27:51,691 --> 01:27:56,890 That the Church hasn't had enough recognition for its role in Kumran. 1195 01:27:57,091 --> 01:28:01,448 Well, give him some. Get him round for drinks. Photo opportunity. 1196 01:28:01,651 --> 01:28:04,165 - That might be a little improper. - Why? 1197 01:28:04,371 --> 01:28:10,287 If you're considering two candidates, you can hardly invite just one round for a drink. 1198 01:28:10,491 --> 01:28:13,688 - I see. - Unless, of course... 1199 01:28:13,891 --> 01:28:19,045 If you'd already given him the job, then it would be perfectly proper. 1200 01:28:19,251 --> 01:28:21,048 Oh. 1201 01:28:24,451 --> 01:28:26,840 Actually, Humphrey, 1202 01:28:27,011 --> 01:28:30,208 I think he's rather a good choice for bishop. 1203 01:28:30,371 --> 01:28:33,488 - He's an enterprising chap. - Enterprising. 1204 01:28:33,691 --> 01:28:37,843 - Eccentricity can be a virtue. - If you call it individualism. 1205 01:28:38,051 --> 01:28:42,841 I have an independent mind, you are an eccentric, he is round the twist. 1206 01:28:43,011 --> 01:28:44,524 Sorry. 1207 01:28:45,851 --> 01:28:50,845 Thank you, Bernard. Furthermore, we need people like him in the House of Lords. 1208 01:28:51,011 --> 01:28:56,039 - People who really understand the Arab world. - And steam engines. 1209 01:28:56,251 --> 01:29:01,041 Yes, on mature consideration, I think the Dean of Baillie is my choice. 1210 01:29:01,211 --> 01:29:03,600 Convey that to the Palace, Bernard. 1211 01:29:03,811 --> 01:29:08,202 - Yes, Prime Minister. - Now! Fast. Announce it by midday. 1212 01:29:08,371 --> 01:29:11,363 Get him round for a drinkie at six. Move! 1213 01:29:13,131 --> 01:29:18,159 - A wise decision, if I may say so. - You may, Humphrey. 1214 01:29:18,371 --> 01:29:23,491 How come you know so much about the Dean of Baillie? Weren't you at Baillie yourself? 1215 01:29:23,691 --> 01:29:28,207 - I was, yes. - Jobs for the boys, is it? 1216 01:29:28,411 --> 01:29:31,005 On the contrary! I hardly know him. 1217 01:29:31,171 --> 01:29:33,844 In fact, I happen to know that he dislikes me. 1218 01:29:34,011 --> 01:29:39,722 You can ask him yourself this evening. I don't like him very much, either. 1219 01:29:39,931 --> 01:29:42,525 - Honestly? - On my word of honour. 1220 01:29:42,731 --> 01:29:46,963 - You have nothing to gain? - How could I have? 1221 01:29:47,171 --> 01:29:49,560 In that case, well done. 1222 01:29:49,731 --> 01:29:54,885 Helpful, impartial advice. The best traditions of the Civil Service. 1223 01:29:57,051 --> 01:30:00,043 Yes, Prime Minister. 1224 01:31:24,313 --> 01:31:26,702 Hello, darling! 1225 01:31:26,873 --> 01:31:29,467 Ah, the news! Got to me yet? 1226 01:31:29,633 --> 01:31:34,024 - No. What have you done now? - A sensational Question Time. 1227 01:31:34,193 --> 01:31:38,789 - I really made mincemeat of them. - They haven't mentioned it yet. 1228 01:31:38,953 --> 01:31:41,342 - Typical BBC. - It's not BBC. 1229 01:31:41,513 --> 01:31:44,107 - Typical ITV. - It's Channel 4. 1230 01:31:44,273 --> 01:31:48,710 Well, what can you expect? Turn it up, then. 1231 01:31:48,953 --> 01:31:53,469 There's growing anxiety for the fate of Benji, an 0ld English sheepdog, 1232 01:31:53,633 --> 01:31:59,503 who last night got under the wire and into the artillery range on Salisbury Plain. 1233 01:31:59,673 --> 01:32:03,188 Benji belongs to 8-year-old Linda Fletcher. 1234 01:32:03,393 --> 01:32:08,069 Linda lost both her parents in a car crash. Both she and Benji survived. 1235 01:32:08,273 --> 01:32:13,063 Unfortunately, the area is full of unexploded shells and is highly dangerous 1236 01:32:13,233 --> 01:32:18,023 except for one fixed road. Benji is a long way from the road and seems to be lost. 1237 01:32:18,193 --> 01:32:23,313 The Army expressed their regrets, but say that unless he comes to the road 1238 01:32:23,513 --> 01:32:29,349 there's nothing they can do. If nothing happens soon, he will either starve or be blown up. 1239 01:32:29,513 --> 01:32:34,143 Linda is preparing to spend another night's vigil on Salisbury Plain, 1240 01:32:34,353 --> 01:32:39,143 hoping that Benji will come back. And that's the news this evening. 1241 01:32:40,153 --> 01:32:43,145 - Are you sure you watched all of the news? - Yes. 1242 01:32:43,313 --> 01:32:46,305 - Was it on, the bit about me? - No. 1243 01:32:46,473 --> 01:32:52,230 - You said you watched it all. - But one mentally tunes out the boring bits. 1244 01:32:52,433 --> 01:32:58,622 Not you, dear. You're not boring. Not to me, even if you are to the rest of the country. 1245 01:32:58,833 --> 01:33:03,827 The future defence of Britain was being fought out in the great forum of the nation 1246 01:33:03,993 --> 01:33:08,225 and what do they give the viewers? A rerun of ''Lassie Come Home''! 1247 01:33:08,433 --> 01:33:11,425 I think the Army ought to rescue that dog. 1248 01:33:11,633 --> 01:33:16,832 Kids lose dogs every day. Should the Army rescue every one of them? 1249 01:33:16,993 --> 01:33:21,066 - You don't understand ordinary people. - I am an ordinary person. 1250 01:33:21,273 --> 01:33:24,868 - Oh, surely not (!) - You want me to waste taxpayers' money 1251 01:33:25,033 --> 01:33:27,388 on buying cheap popularity? 1252 01:33:27,553 --> 01:33:32,069 Sometimes you have to do things that aren't economic in a civilised society. 1253 01:33:32,273 --> 01:33:37,666 Write a paper on that and submit it to the Treasury. We don't get many laughs! 1254 01:33:39,313 --> 01:33:44,103 - The Director General of MI5, Prime Minister. - Ah, hello, Geoffrey. Come along in. 1255 01:33:44,273 --> 01:33:46,662 Thank you, Prime Minister. 1256 01:33:46,833 --> 01:33:49,950 Eh, I wonder if... 1257 01:33:50,153 --> 01:33:53,543 Oh, that's all right. I always have Bernard present. 1258 01:33:53,753 --> 01:34:00,067 - Not this time, Prime Minister. - Ah. I don't always have Bernard present. 1259 01:34:01,993 --> 01:34:05,906 Do sit down. I don't have any papers for this meeting. 1260 01:34:06,073 --> 01:34:09,065 - No, it's too serious. - Why? 1261 01:34:10,273 --> 01:34:15,063 - We've just received some information. - Isn't that what you're supposed to do? 1262 01:34:15,233 --> 01:34:20,512 - Do you know John Halsted? - Your predecessor. Died last month. 1263 01:34:20,713 --> 01:34:25,503 He left his personal papers to us. We've started to go through them. 1264 01:34:25,673 --> 01:34:30,508 He was passing government secrets to Moscow in the '50s and '60s. 1265 01:34:31,113 --> 01:34:36,107 - The head of MI5?! A Russian agent? - So it seems. 1266 01:34:36,273 --> 01:34:41,063 - Why did he leave his papers to you? - His will said it was a final act of conscience. 1267 01:34:41,233 --> 01:34:46,182 I think it's just posthumous gloating. Showing us he could get away with it. 1268 01:34:46,393 --> 01:34:50,386 - How much did he tell them? - That hardly matters. 1269 01:34:50,553 --> 01:34:54,751 With Burgess, McLean, Philby, Blake and Fuchs and the Krogers, 1270 01:34:54,913 --> 01:34:57,711 one more didn't make much more difference. 1271 01:34:58,513 --> 01:35:02,188 - The point is he was one of us. - One of us? 1272 01:35:02,393 --> 01:35:06,591 Joined MI5 straight from Cambridge, Civil Service all his life. 1273 01:35:06,753 --> 01:35:11,907 If this ever gets out, all of us recruited in his time will be suspects for ever. 1274 01:35:12,113 --> 01:35:15,185 Yes. ..You're not a spy, are you? 1275 01:35:16,673 --> 01:35:19,267 Only joking. You're not, are you? No... 1276 01:35:21,193 --> 01:35:26,187 This is not all. We held an internal security investigation into Sir John in the '70s. 1277 01:35:26,353 --> 01:35:29,345 - There was a lot of speculation. Remember? - Vaguely. 1278 01:35:29,513 --> 01:35:31,981 All totally irresponsible and ill-informed. 1279 01:35:32,153 --> 01:35:35,190 - When the press suggested he was a spy? - Yes. 1280 01:35:35,393 --> 01:35:38,385 - Well, he was. - But they didn't know that! 1281 01:35:38,553 --> 01:35:43,069 They were being totally ignorant. They just happened to be accurate. 1282 01:35:44,913 --> 01:35:48,462 Anyway, the inquiry cleared him completely, 1283 01:35:48,633 --> 01:35:52,626 but they missed some rather obvious questions and checks. 1284 01:35:52,793 --> 01:35:55,261 So obvious that...well... One wonders. 1285 01:35:55,473 --> 01:35:57,270 Yes. 1286 01:35:57,913 --> 01:36:00,302 What does one wonder? 1287 01:36:00,513 --> 01:36:03,949 One wonders about the chaps who cleared him. 1288 01:36:04,113 --> 01:36:07,662 I see. Whether they were stupid, you mean? 1289 01:36:07,873 --> 01:36:11,183 No, Prime Minister. Whether they were also... 1290 01:36:11,393 --> 01:36:14,385 Spies?! My God! 1291 01:36:14,553 --> 01:36:19,343 - Who headed that inquiry? - Old Lord MacIver, but he was ill a lot. 1292 01:36:19,513 --> 01:36:25,349 Well, ga-ga, actually. So, effectively, it was the secretary who conducted it. 1293 01:36:25,553 --> 01:36:30,183 - Who was the secretary? - Humphrey Appleby. 1294 01:36:30,393 --> 01:36:33,191 - Humphrey?! - Yes, Prime Minister. 1295 01:36:33,393 --> 01:36:38,387 - You think he may have been a spy, too? - It's a remote possibility, but very unlikely. 1296 01:36:38,553 --> 01:36:41,021 - He's one of us. - So was John Halsted. 1297 01:36:42,113 --> 01:36:45,788 Well, yes, but there's no other evidence against Humphrey. 1298 01:36:45,993 --> 01:36:50,271 Might he have been covering up for one of us... one of you? 1299 01:36:50,473 --> 01:36:55,069 I suppose so, but I have no doubts at all about his loyalty. 1300 01:36:55,233 --> 01:37:00,102 - It's much more likely to be just... - Hideous incompetence. 1301 01:37:00,313 --> 01:37:05,023 We haven't been through the rest of his papers. You could hold an inquiry into Sir Humphrey. 1302 01:37:05,233 --> 01:37:09,829 - Could I? - Well, I wouldn't recommend it at this stage. 1303 01:37:09,993 --> 01:37:13,110 We don't want more irresponsible speculation. 1304 01:37:13,313 --> 01:37:16,908 - Even if it's accurate. - Especially if it's accurate. 1305 01:37:17,073 --> 01:37:22,431 There's nothing worse than accurate, irresponsible, ill-informed press speculation. 1306 01:37:22,633 --> 01:37:28,230 You could send Humphrey off on gardening leave while we examine the Halsted papers. 1307 01:37:28,433 --> 01:37:31,630 - Gardening leave? - And you could confront him. 1308 01:37:31,793 --> 01:37:37,026 - The substantive evidence is all here. - Shouldn't we just forget about it? 1309 01:37:37,233 --> 01:37:39,622 Well, obviously, it's your decision, 1310 01:37:39,793 --> 01:37:44,787 but if you did nothing and it emerged later that Sir Humphrey...that he was... 1311 01:37:45,793 --> 01:37:48,785 ..one of them, well, it might not look too good. 1312 01:37:48,953 --> 01:37:55,142 Not to mention that as Cabinet Secretary he co-ordinates our security services. 1313 01:37:55,313 --> 01:37:58,544 - There are no secrets from him. - You're right. 1314 01:37:58,753 --> 01:38:03,543 But I find it hard enough to believe that one of us was one of them. 1315 01:38:04,713 --> 01:38:07,102 But if two of us were one of them... 1316 01:38:08,913 --> 01:38:11,108 Two of them. 1317 01:38:11,273 --> 01:38:13,662 ..all of us could be, um... 1318 01:38:13,873 --> 01:38:16,262 All of them. 1319 01:38:16,433 --> 01:38:19,231 Thank you, Geoffrey. I've heard enough. 1320 01:38:20,313 --> 01:38:23,828 Awful! Another three points down in the polls. 1321 01:38:24,033 --> 01:38:29,232 - Not the government. Only your personal rating. - What have I done wrong? 1322 01:38:29,393 --> 01:38:34,945 - Low popularity usually means doing it right. - It's not my failure to get defence cuts? 1323 01:38:35,153 --> 01:38:41,501 To be honest, I don't think defence cuts are the principal topic of conversation in supermarkets. 1324 01:38:41,713 --> 01:38:45,308 - What is? - To judge from the popular press, 1325 01:38:45,473 --> 01:38:48,271 it's the lost dog on Salisbury Plain. 1326 01:38:48,473 --> 01:38:51,943 Perhaps the government needs a lost dog policy. 1327 01:38:52,153 --> 01:38:56,749 - Anything else, Prime Minister? - Yes, there is something else. 1328 01:38:56,913 --> 01:39:01,703 - A security matter. Bernard, would you mind? - I'm sorry? 1329 01:39:12,913 --> 01:39:16,906 - What are you doing? - Well, I thought... 1330 01:39:17,073 --> 01:39:22,227 - There wasn't anyone... - I was just hoping you'd leave us alone. 1331 01:39:23,313 --> 01:39:25,110 Oh! 1332 01:39:25,273 --> 01:39:28,185 Oh. Yes. 1333 01:39:32,913 --> 01:39:35,108 - Prime Minister. - Yes, Humphrey. 1334 01:39:36,913 --> 01:39:41,509 There's something I want to talk to you about. Something...very secret. 1335 01:39:46,113 --> 01:39:48,707 Would it be easier if I wasn't here? 1336 01:39:54,313 --> 01:39:57,305 A few years ago, there was a security inquiry. 1337 01:39:57,473 --> 01:40:00,670 Does the name Sir John Halsted ring a bell? 1338 01:40:00,873 --> 01:40:05,344 Yes, of course. In fact, I had to conduct the inquiry myself, virtually. 1339 01:40:05,553 --> 01:40:09,944 - And you found nothing incriminating? - Of course not. 1340 01:40:10,113 --> 01:40:14,106 John Halsted was one of us. We'd been friends for years. 1341 01:40:14,273 --> 01:40:16,662 The whole story was got up by the press 1342 01:40:16,833 --> 01:40:21,349 and the whole object of internal security inquiries is to find no evidence. 1343 01:40:21,553 --> 01:40:24,067 Even if the security of the realm is at risk? 1344 01:40:24,273 --> 01:40:28,471 If you really believe that, you call in the Special Branch. 1345 01:40:28,633 --> 01:40:33,229 Government security inquiries are only used for killing press stories. 1346 01:40:33,393 --> 01:40:37,989 They enable the Prime Minister to stand up in the House and say, 1347 01:40:38,153 --> 01:40:40,621 ''There is no evidence for these charges.'' 1348 01:40:40,833 --> 01:40:46,430 - What if you found something suspicious? - Practically all of government is suspicious. 1349 01:40:46,593 --> 01:40:51,872 The fact that you asked Bernard to leave us alone might be construed as suspicious. 1350 01:40:52,073 --> 01:40:55,463 - Indeed. - But the whole story was clearly a nonsense. 1351 01:40:55,633 --> 01:40:58,352 Typical Fleet Street sensationalism. 1352 01:40:58,553 --> 01:41:04,389 - So he wasn't passing secrets to Moscow? - Impossible. Out of the question. 1353 01:41:04,553 --> 01:41:07,386 - You'd stake your reputation on it? - Without hesitation. 1354 01:41:07,593 --> 01:41:13,190 I see. Well, I'm afraid I have to tell you that for a substantial part of his career 1355 01:41:13,353 --> 01:41:16,345 he was a Russian spy. 1356 01:41:17,993 --> 01:41:20,791 I don't believe it. Who says so? 1357 01:41:20,993 --> 01:41:26,386 He does. He left his papers to the government, including a detailed confession. MI5 agrees. 1358 01:41:26,553 --> 01:41:29,147 It checks out all along the line. 1359 01:41:29,313 --> 01:41:31,110 But... 1360 01:41:31,273 --> 01:41:34,231 Good Lord, he... I mean, he was... 1361 01:41:34,433 --> 01:41:39,188 - One of us? - Exactly! This leaves a lot of questions. 1362 01:41:39,393 --> 01:41:43,545 Yes, and I'm asking you - why didn't you ask him a lot of questions? 1363 01:41:45,793 --> 01:41:49,103 Why did the inquiry exonerate him so quickly? 1364 01:41:49,313 --> 01:41:54,023 I've already told you! Anyway, we were very busy. Besides... 1365 01:41:55,513 --> 01:41:59,950 Good Lord! You don't think...? I mean, surely nobody suspects...? 1366 01:42:00,153 --> 01:42:04,943 - What else was I expected to do? - You could have held a proper inquiry. 1367 01:42:05,113 --> 01:42:09,186 - He had a surprisingly long stay in Yugoslavia. - Yes? 1368 01:42:09,393 --> 01:42:14,262 Shortly afterwards, several MI5 agents were rounded up and never seen again. 1369 01:42:14,473 --> 01:42:18,068 - Yes... - He spent a lot of time with one interpreter. 1370 01:42:18,233 --> 01:42:22,226 And she turned out to be a Russian agent. We knew that. 1371 01:42:22,393 --> 01:42:24,987 Most Yugoslav interpreters are Russian agents. 1372 01:42:25,153 --> 01:42:27,792 Those who aren't with the CIA, that is. 1373 01:42:27,993 --> 01:42:31,269 - You never followed it up. - I had better things to do. 1374 01:42:31,473 --> 01:42:36,069 Three months later, she moved to England and settled in Cambridge, 1375 01:42:36,233 --> 01:42:41,353 150 yards from Sir John Halsted's house. They were neighbours for the next 11 years. 1376 01:42:41,553 --> 01:42:43,544 Crikey! 1377 01:42:45,313 --> 01:42:50,103 You can't check up on everything! You never know what you might find! 1378 01:42:50,273 --> 01:42:55,142 - If you have such a suspicious mind... - Hold security inquiries. 1379 01:42:55,353 --> 01:42:57,344 Ye...no! 1380 01:42:58,353 --> 01:43:01,868 John gave me his word. Halsted. The word of a gentleman. 1381 01:43:02,073 --> 01:43:05,110 Anyway, I have a problem. You. 1382 01:43:06,513 --> 01:43:09,107 Me? You don't think...? 1383 01:43:09,273 --> 01:43:11,662 You couldn't think... 1384 01:43:12,673 --> 01:43:15,267 I don't speak a word of Russian! 1385 01:43:17,313 --> 01:43:20,146 It was either incompetence or collusion. 1386 01:43:20,353 --> 01:43:23,026 I give you my word it wasn't collusion! 1387 01:43:23,233 --> 01:43:28,512 - The word of a gentleman? - Exactly! An Oxford gentleman. 1388 01:43:28,713 --> 01:43:32,911 - How's the garden? - Oh, well, it... 1389 01:43:35,433 --> 01:43:38,630 - I beseech you, not gardening leave. - Why not? 1390 01:43:38,833 --> 01:43:43,463 - I have my reputation to think of! - You staked that on Halsted's innocence. 1391 01:43:44,593 --> 01:43:50,031 - I think I'll talk to your predecessor. - Arnold? Why? 1392 01:43:50,233 --> 01:43:52,701 I've no experience of this sort of thing. 1393 01:43:52,873 --> 01:43:57,389 I need Arnold's advice on setting up a security inquiry on a Cabinet Secretary. 1394 01:43:57,593 --> 01:43:59,982 Anyway, thank you, Humphrey. 1395 01:44:01,513 --> 01:44:03,663 That will be all. 1396 01:44:03,873 --> 01:44:05,750 Yes... 1397 01:44:07,313 --> 01:44:09,952 For the time being. 1398 01:44:10,153 --> 01:44:12,713 Don't discuss this with Arnold. 1399 01:44:12,913 --> 01:44:17,111 Of course not, Prime Minister! I wouldn't dream of it. 1400 01:44:18,713 --> 01:44:21,181 So what do you think I should do, Arnold? 1401 01:44:23,513 --> 01:44:27,984 Difficult. Depends a bit on whether you actually were spying or not. 1402 01:44:29,033 --> 01:44:33,106 - Arnold! - One must keep an open mind. 1403 01:44:33,313 --> 01:44:36,783 But I couldn't have been. I wasn't at Cambridge. 1404 01:44:39,793 --> 01:44:42,182 I'm not one of them. I'm a married man. 1405 01:44:43,513 --> 01:44:47,267 One of us. I've been in the Civil Service all my life. 1406 01:44:47,473 --> 01:44:50,704 - So had John Halsted. - But he was different. 1407 01:44:50,913 --> 01:44:54,383 - Why? - Well, John used to believe in things. Causes. 1408 01:44:54,553 --> 01:44:57,351 I've never believed in anything in my life! 1409 01:44:59,513 --> 01:45:02,107 He had ideas. Original ideas. 1410 01:45:02,273 --> 01:45:05,629 You know I've never done anything like that. 1411 01:45:05,833 --> 01:45:10,543 - Even if you were, I agree it mustn't get out. - Do you, Arnold? 1412 01:45:10,753 --> 01:45:14,541 Of course. Giving information to Moscow is serious. 1413 01:45:14,713 --> 01:45:18,183 - Giving information to anyone is serious. - The Cabinet. 1414 01:45:18,393 --> 01:45:24,662 A scandal like this could gravely weaken the authority of the service. You mustn't confess. 1415 01:45:24,873 --> 01:45:27,387 But I haven't done anything to confess to! 1416 01:45:27,593 --> 01:45:31,791 Be that as it may, there is still the other possibility. 1417 01:45:31,953 --> 01:45:35,832 Let us assume, for the sake of argument, that you are innocent. 1418 01:45:36,033 --> 01:45:40,424 - Oh, thank you, Arnold. - Just assuming, without prejudice. 1419 01:45:40,593 --> 01:45:43,983 Then the question of incompetence arises. 1420 01:45:44,193 --> 01:45:46,582 But I wasn't incompetent. 1421 01:45:46,753 --> 01:45:51,110 You made it clear we were expected to find no evidence against him. 1422 01:45:51,313 --> 01:45:56,228 - I have no recollections of that. - Oh! You know perfectly well. 1423 01:45:56,433 --> 01:45:59,869 - You have written evidence of this? - Of course not. 1424 01:46:00,073 --> 01:46:03,861 So we return to the question of your incompetence. 1425 01:46:04,033 --> 01:46:08,424 You and I may know that you did the job you were required to do, 1426 01:46:08,593 --> 01:46:11,232 but it's hard to explain that to politicians. 1427 01:46:11,433 --> 01:46:16,905 - Do they have to know? - Not if we can help it. The PM is the danger. 1428 01:46:17,073 --> 01:46:20,509 - He may want to tell people. - He mustn't! 1429 01:46:20,673 --> 01:46:23,312 - Can you stop him? - I don't know. 1430 01:46:23,513 --> 01:46:29,110 You have to stop him. Suppose he told the Cabinet? And they decided to suspend you? 1431 01:46:29,273 --> 01:46:33,107 Remove you to the chairmanship of the War Graves Commission? 1432 01:46:34,513 --> 01:46:37,710 - They couldn't! - They could, but they mustn't. 1433 01:46:37,873 --> 01:46:41,866 - But not because of you. You are expendable. - I'm not! 1434 01:46:42,073 --> 01:46:47,625 Once they accept the principle that senior civil servants can be removed for incompetence, 1435 01:46:47,793 --> 01:46:54,232 that would be thin end of the wedge. We could lose dozens of our chaps. Hundreds, perhaps! 1436 01:46:54,433 --> 01:46:57,869 Thousands. Arnold, what am I going to do? 1437 01:46:58,073 --> 01:47:02,669 I suggest you make yourself so valuable to the Prime Minister over the next few days 1438 01:47:02,833 --> 01:47:05,063 that he cannot afford to let you go. 1439 01:47:05,273 --> 01:47:10,063 - How? - What is he really dead set on at the moment? 1440 01:47:10,233 --> 01:47:15,626 - Popularity. - That is what all politicians are dead set on. 1441 01:47:15,833 --> 01:47:18,188 But he's dropping at the moment in the polls. 1442 01:47:18,393 --> 01:47:20,782 Then you must lift him up again. 1443 01:47:20,953 --> 01:47:24,832 Give him a popular role in the biggest current news story. 1444 01:47:25,033 --> 01:47:29,743 Well, the biggest current news story is a lost dog on Salisbury Plain. 1445 01:47:29,953 --> 01:47:32,547 - Well? - Oh, Arnold. 1446 01:47:32,713 --> 01:47:37,662 Are you suggesting that I have the Prime Minister crawling all over Salisbury Plain 1447 01:47:37,833 --> 01:47:42,349 with a mine detector in one hand and a packet of Winalot in the other? 1448 01:47:42,553 --> 01:47:47,547 It would probably do Britain less harm than anything else he'd be likely to be doing. 1449 01:47:49,633 --> 01:47:53,911 - The Permanent Secretary for Defence. - Norman, good of you to come. 1450 01:47:54,073 --> 01:47:56,871 How did my Secretary of State do in Cabinet? 1451 01:47:57,033 --> 01:48:02,027 Well, so-so. I think Cabinet is starting to resent his refusal to make defence cuts. 1452 01:48:02,193 --> 01:48:04,582 - But he didn't back down? - No. 1453 01:48:04,753 --> 01:48:09,952 - Excellent. What can I do for you? - Well, it's rather a sensitive one. 1454 01:48:10,113 --> 01:48:12,104 - Cruise missiles? - No. 1455 01:48:12,273 --> 01:48:14,662 - Star Wars? - No. 1456 01:48:14,833 --> 01:48:17,825 - What, then? - Em... 1457 01:48:17,993 --> 01:48:21,190 It's this dog on Salisbury Plain. 1458 01:48:22,993 --> 01:48:28,784 Oh, that! The PM getting his knickers in a twist? Don't worry. It's all under control. 1459 01:48:28,953 --> 01:48:32,741 - Oh, really? - It will starve to death by the weekend. 1460 01:48:32,913 --> 01:48:37,304 They'll recover the body and bury it just outside the gates. 1461 01:48:37,473 --> 01:48:42,263 Guards resting at arms reversed. The C.O. comforting the weeping little girl. 1462 01:48:42,433 --> 01:48:46,426 Telly will lap it up, lovely pictures in the Sundays. 1463 01:48:46,633 --> 01:48:51,946 - How about rescuing it? - Don't be silly, Humphrey. It's dangerous. 1464 01:48:52,153 --> 01:48:55,031 - But to do it safely. - Safely? 1465 01:48:55,193 --> 01:49:01,189 A squadron of Royal Engineers with mine detectors, the Veterinary Corps with stun darts, 1466 01:49:01,353 --> 01:49:06,746 a helicopter with winching equipment and a bill up in the hundreds of thousands 1467 01:49:06,913 --> 01:49:10,701 for a dog you could replace for a fiver at the local pet shop! 1468 01:49:10,913 --> 01:49:13,108 But it could be done? 1469 01:49:13,273 --> 01:49:16,390 - If you've got the money. - Could you do it? 1470 01:49:16,593 --> 01:49:21,383 You must be mad! Here we are under the greatest pressure to cut spending 1471 01:49:21,553 --> 01:49:26,547 and you suggest that we waste hundreds of thousands in front of the press on a dog! 1472 01:49:26,713 --> 01:49:29,352 It would be departmental suicide. 1473 01:49:29,553 --> 01:49:35,344 Yes, but if the Prime Minister were to authorise it, if it was his initiative, 1474 01:49:35,513 --> 01:49:40,541 wouldn't it make it harder for him to insist on defence cuts after that? 1475 01:49:40,753 --> 01:49:43,347 Humphrey, you excel yourself. 1476 01:49:44,513 --> 01:49:49,985 Especially if he didn't find out the true size of the cost until after the rescue. 1477 01:49:50,193 --> 01:49:52,582 What do you want me to do? 1478 01:49:52,753 --> 01:49:57,031 Put the rescue operation on standby in strict confidence. 1479 01:49:57,233 --> 01:50:00,031 And promise me the PM will get all the credit. 1480 01:50:00,193 --> 01:50:05,825 No nonsense about your Secretary of State trying to muscle in on all the publicity. 1481 01:50:06,033 --> 01:50:10,185 - You've been briefed by MI5? - Indeed, Prime Minister. Unfortunate. 1482 01:50:10,393 --> 01:50:14,466 - Disastrous. - Not disastrous. It will never come out. 1483 01:50:14,673 --> 01:50:18,791 - Things are only disastrous if people find out? - Of course. 1484 01:50:20,113 --> 01:50:22,502 Even if the Cabinet Secretary is a spy? 1485 01:50:22,713 --> 01:50:26,103 - I'm happy to say that is not the case. - Why so sure? 1486 01:50:26,273 --> 01:50:31,063 MI5 have just come across this in the Halsted papers, from his private diary. 1487 01:50:33,513 --> 01:50:36,471 ''Another session with that prize goof Appleby. 1488 01:50:37,913 --> 01:50:42,111 ''Fooled him completely. He never asked any difficult questions, 1489 01:50:42,273 --> 01:50:44,662 ''didn't seem to have read the MI5 report. 1490 01:50:44,833 --> 01:50:49,623 ''So much wool in his head it's child's play to pull it over his eyes.'' 1491 01:50:50,633 --> 01:50:54,182 - That certainly... - Exonerates Sir Humphrey. 1492 01:50:54,393 --> 01:50:58,784 Arnold...I can't tell you how happy this makes me. 1493 01:51:00,873 --> 01:51:04,707 - Shall I...? - No, no. I'll keep this. 1494 01:51:06,073 --> 01:51:09,065 I take it there's nothing for me to investigate? 1495 01:51:09,273 --> 01:51:13,664 - Not on security grounds. - Good. I'll take up no more of your time. 1496 01:51:13,833 --> 01:51:16,666 Hold on. There's still the incompetence. 1497 01:51:16,873 --> 01:51:20,070 Well, of course, we all make mistakes. 1498 01:51:20,273 --> 01:51:24,869 - Not on that scale. Think I should sack him? - I hardly think so. 1499 01:51:25,073 --> 01:51:29,669 - No? Should civil servants never be sacked? - If they deserve it, of course. 1500 01:51:29,833 --> 01:51:32,267 In principle, but not in practice. 1501 01:51:32,473 --> 01:51:36,864 - Why not? - There would have to be an inquiry. 1502 01:51:37,033 --> 01:51:43,222 All inquiries into the incompetence of civil servants lead back to mistakes by ministers. 1503 01:51:43,433 --> 01:51:48,223 - On second thoughts, leave it with me. - Thank you, Prime Minister. 1504 01:51:52,513 --> 01:51:55,311 - (KNOCKING) - Sir Humphrey. 1505 01:51:55,473 --> 01:51:58,465 (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Show him in, Bernard. Show him in! 1506 01:52:01,273 --> 01:52:03,992 - Prime Minister. - Ah! 1507 01:52:04,193 --> 01:52:06,309 Goofy. Er, Humphrey. 1508 01:52:09,393 --> 01:52:13,511 I'm happy to tell you you've been cleared of spying. 1509 01:52:13,713 --> 01:52:17,501 - How? - Something Sir John Halsted wrote. 1510 01:52:17,673 --> 01:52:20,870 - Oh, that's very gratifying. - Isn't it? 1511 01:52:21,073 --> 01:52:25,863 - May one see the document? - One certainly may. 1512 01:52:26,073 --> 01:52:28,541 Better still, one can have it read to one. 1513 01:52:31,393 --> 01:52:37,946 ''May 28th. Another session with that prize goof Appleby. Fooled him completely...'' 1514 01:52:38,153 --> 01:52:42,943 - Yes, thank you. - No, it goes on. It clears you even more. 1515 01:52:43,113 --> 01:52:48,028 - ''He never asked any difficult questions...'' - Yes, that's quite clear. 1516 01:52:48,233 --> 01:52:53,227 ''So much wool in his head, it's child's play to pull it over his eyes.'' Isn't that wonderful? 1517 01:52:53,393 --> 01:52:55,987 You must be a very happy man. 1518 01:52:57,793 --> 01:53:00,626 Halsted was a hopeless judge of character. 1519 01:53:00,833 --> 01:53:05,429 - You mean we can't believe this? - Oh, no, no, no. 1520 01:53:05,593 --> 01:53:07,982 No, no, it's absolutely true. 1521 01:53:08,993 --> 01:53:11,382 True, that is, in the sense of... 1522 01:53:12,313 --> 01:53:14,702 You see, he wasn't bright enough 1523 01:53:14,873 --> 01:53:19,901 to understand subtle questioning techniques. The non-confrontational approach. 1524 01:53:20,113 --> 01:53:24,504 - Lulled him into a TRUE sense of security? - No, no, no. 1525 01:53:25,513 --> 01:53:27,822 Anyway, I take it it's all over now? 1526 01:53:28,033 --> 01:53:33,869 The matter of collusion, yes. But would you condone incompetence of this sort? 1527 01:53:34,073 --> 01:53:38,464 It was a long time ago. I had many other onerous duties. 1528 01:53:38,673 --> 01:53:41,665 - You have many now. - Yes. And, in fact... 1529 01:53:41,833 --> 01:53:47,271 ..I have been giving some thought to how you might increase your popularity rating. 1530 01:53:47,473 --> 01:53:50,351 - Yes? - Strong government needs a popular PM. 1531 01:53:50,553 --> 01:53:53,351 - You should do something popular. - But what? 1532 01:53:53,553 --> 01:53:57,546 I was about to suggest that you might intervene personally 1533 01:53:57,713 --> 01:54:00,307 to save that poor little doggie on Salisbury Plain. 1534 01:54:00,513 --> 01:54:02,947 - Are you serious? - Of course. 1535 01:54:03,153 --> 01:54:05,542 It certainly would be very popular. 1536 01:54:05,713 --> 01:54:08,591 - Would it be very expensive? - Surely not. 1537 01:54:08,793 --> 01:54:11,182 Could we cost it? 1538 01:54:11,353 --> 01:54:15,141 Well, I gather that time is running out for little Benji. 1539 01:54:15,313 --> 01:54:17,781 We have to make a decision this morning. 1540 01:54:19,473 --> 01:54:24,228 There are times when you have to act from the heart, even as Prime Minister. 1541 01:54:25,513 --> 01:54:28,346 - You're right, Humphrey! - May I? 1542 01:54:28,553 --> 01:54:32,944 Please do. It's not a question of buying cheap popularity. 1543 01:54:33,153 --> 01:54:35,223 By no means. 1544 01:54:37,113 --> 01:54:42,745 - Will it take long? - I've got the Army on three-hour standby. 1545 01:54:42,953 --> 01:54:47,344 - Splendid. - Is that you, Norman? Walkies. 1546 01:54:50,513 --> 01:54:56,304 And finally, Benji, the 0ld English sheepdog lost on the artillery range on Salisbury Plain 1547 01:54:56,473 --> 01:55:00,022 has been rescued. Martin Muncaster reports. 1548 01:55:00,233 --> 01:55:03,623 The operation began here on B Range. 1549 01:55:03,793 --> 01:55:09,390 Four detachments of the Royal Engineers with mine detectors set off from different points 1550 01:55:09,593 --> 01:55:14,906 to close in on where Benji was last sighted. It took them over an hour to locate him. 1551 01:55:15,113 --> 01:55:19,425 Then the Royal Veterinary Corps fired a stun dart at Benji. 1552 01:55:19,633 --> 01:55:25,185 Unfortunately, the area is too dangerous to enter without detonating shells, 1553 01:55:25,393 --> 01:55:28,385 so a Royal Navy helicopter was flown in 1554 01:55:28,593 --> 01:55:33,383 and they lowered a man to pick up Benji without crossing the dangerous ground 1555 01:55:33,553 --> 01:55:38,547 and fly him to safety. Later, he was reunited with his young owner, Linda Fletcher, 1556 01:55:38,713 --> 01:55:43,309 who said she'd almost given up hope of ever seeing Benji again. 1557 01:55:43,473 --> 01:55:49,105 It's understood that direct intervention from the Prime Minister made this possible. 1558 01:55:50,073 --> 01:55:53,429 - Darling, you got them to rescue that dog! - Yes. 1559 01:55:53,593 --> 01:55:58,383 - You said it would be a waste of money. - I know, but government is caring. 1560 01:55:58,553 --> 01:56:02,626 - Caring about votes? - That's not very kind, Annie. 1561 01:56:02,833 --> 01:56:07,827 I thought about that little girl and what Benji must mean to her. Individuals do count, 1562 01:56:07,993 --> 01:56:10,791 even in a world of budgets and balance sheets. 1563 01:56:10,953 --> 01:56:13,945 Some people might criticise me, 1564 01:56:14,113 --> 01:56:18,550 but sometimes doing the right thing means risking unpopularity. 1565 01:56:18,753 --> 01:56:23,349 Well, I won't criticise you, darling. I think you're wonderful. 1566 01:56:25,913 --> 01:56:28,108 See this, Humphrey? 1567 01:56:28,273 --> 01:56:32,869 ''Britain learned today that a real human heart beats inside Number 10 Downing Street.'' 1568 01:56:33,033 --> 01:56:38,346 - Actually, 74 human hearts beat inside here. - Thank you, Bernard. 1569 01:56:38,553 --> 01:56:41,625 See? I was right. I have an instinct for what people want. 1570 01:56:41,833 --> 01:56:47,226 - If I may say so, Prime Minister... - Of course! It was your idea, wasn't it? 1571 01:56:47,393 --> 01:56:50,783 Well done. What can I do for you? 1572 01:56:50,993 --> 01:56:55,908 - The Halsted inquiry? - Say no more about it. Completely forgotten. 1573 01:56:56,113 --> 01:57:01,107 Oh, thank you. Now may we discuss the Cabinet agenda? One or two points. 1574 01:57:01,273 --> 01:57:05,186 - Item 3... - Linda says, ''My vote goes to Mr Hacker!'' 1575 01:57:07,513 --> 01:57:11,108 - I beg your pardon? - I'm sorry, Humphrey. Yes? 1576 01:57:13,113 --> 01:57:15,707 ''BBC and ITV report a flood of phone calls, 1577 01:57:15,873 --> 01:57:19,582 ''all approving the PM's decision to rescue Benji.'' 1578 01:57:19,793 --> 01:57:22,990 May I suggest that we postpone Item 3? 1579 01:57:23,153 --> 01:57:27,943 ''The Leader of the Opposition was not available for comment.'' I bet he wasn't! 1580 01:57:28,113 --> 01:57:33,107 Support me or let pet dogs starve to death! I really had him there, didn't I? 1581 01:57:33,273 --> 01:57:36,504 - Sorry, Humphrey. - Item 3. 1582 01:57:36,713 --> 01:57:40,308 Yes, what's Item 3? Defence cuts? What about them? 1583 01:57:40,513 --> 01:57:43,789 We should refer them to Cabinet Committee. 1584 01:57:43,993 --> 01:57:48,589 No, I want a decision on Thursday, not a 60-page submission next Easter. 1585 01:57:48,793 --> 01:57:53,389 Ah, because I've just had the provisional costings 1586 01:57:53,553 --> 01:57:56,192 for the dog rescue operation. 1587 01:57:59,513 --> 01:58:02,311 £310,000?! 1588 01:58:02,473 --> 01:58:07,024 - That's impossible! - Those are MoD figures on a true-cost basis. 1589 01:58:07,233 --> 01:58:11,829 - This is absurd. We must do something. - Put the dog back? 1590 01:58:12,833 --> 01:58:18,226 - That's ridiculous. I'm not postponing Item 3. - Well, it's your decision, Prime Minister. 1591 01:58:18,393 --> 01:58:21,624 And a very courageous one, if I may say so. 1592 01:58:22,713 --> 01:58:25,307 Courageous? Why? 1593 01:58:25,513 --> 01:58:30,871 Well, if the defence cuts are made, the cost of rescuing a dog is bound to be leaked. 1594 01:58:31,073 --> 01:58:35,783 - Oh, no. - Unless you have faith in MoD confidentiality. 1595 01:58:35,993 --> 01:58:39,463 Don't be absurd! They leak like sieves. 1596 01:58:39,673 --> 01:58:44,872 I can see it now. ''Prime Minister saves dog at expense of Britain's air defences.'' 1597 01:58:45,033 --> 01:58:49,549 - It would be quite a story. - A shaggy dog story. 1598 01:58:49,753 --> 01:58:52,984 But it would only come out if... 1599 01:58:53,193 --> 01:58:57,584 - I'm not going to be blackmailed. - Of course not. 1600 01:59:01,713 --> 01:59:06,025 On the other hand, one can cut defence too far. 1601 01:59:06,193 --> 01:59:11,665 - Absolutely. - Defence of the realm. First duty of government. 1602 01:59:11,873 --> 01:59:16,025 - First duty. - There are emergencies - Korea, the Falklands. 1603 01:59:16,233 --> 01:59:19,225 - Benji. - Benji! Yes. 1604 01:59:20,513 --> 01:59:26,110 I think I may have been a little hasty. Item 3 probably needs a bit more thought. 1605 01:59:26,313 --> 01:59:31,467 - I'm sure that's wise. - No hurry. Refer defence cuts to committee. 1606 01:59:31,673 --> 01:59:34,471 Yes, Prime Minister.